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To all those surrounded by darkness – The sun will rise again.
look at my reflection. The permanent ink sprawled under my ribs is a reminder of temporary people. My eyes look more prominent than usual, displaying my pain. The green has faded, and the grey is more pronounced, making them look lifeless. My hair is flat, overgrown, and tangled, so different from how it used to be. Running my fingers over my cheeks, I realise how sunken, sullen, and colourless they are. My cheeks used to be flushed and ached from smiling and laughing. My lips are chapped and set into a frown. I look like a corpse. Who is this girl? She looks sad, broken and just hollow. Is
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I want to cry and scream. I want to throw everything that reminds me of him against the wall and watch it break the same way he broke me.
only saw things that could be fixed because, after all, everything that is broken was once whole and can be fixed again with a bit of time, understanding and love.
I’m finally back to living my life again; this time, I won’t let anyone take it from me.
But then I thought I had found my Prince Charming. He was everything and more. Until he wasn’t. Until I was competing with every girl he came across. I never won. My confidence was knocked until it didn’t exist. But I’m building it again.
the young girl ready to embrace light after so much time in the darkness.
There is nothing better than losing yourself in a fictional world.
Not everyone falls in love, but we’re all heartbroken.”
“I need to do things differently next time. I need to do it properly. I have to make sure I know who I am letting in my life. I thought I knew Kai, but I only ever knew the side he wanted to show me. I was so desperate to feel loved that I accepted it, despite the little bells going off in my brain. I want the chance to live the love stories I have spent my life reading and dreaming about. I owe myself that. I refuse to put myself through that pain again.”
Alex did you see me?!” My voice echoes in the wind. “Yes. I have always seen you, Ava.”
“I have always found comfort in music. I love finding songs and lyrics that perfectly describe what I am feeling. I don’t feel alone. There is someone else in the world that understands. I didn’t always have someone to talk to, and when I did, people couldn’t understand my pain. But my music always understood. It’s been my comfort when people couldn’t be.”
One life to do all the things we love and overcome our fears. Don’t spend your life being afraid of what may come. Find the courage and get on the ride for all its highs and lows.”
“It was. She tried so hard to make him happy, but nothing was ever enough. She wanted to make her marriage work. She told me he wasn’t always like that. He was so soft, kind and gentle.”
“You can’t think of it as a waste of time. Kai needed to happen to make you as strong as you are today. Maybe you don’t believe that, but I do. I can see how resilient you are now. You have a fire burning in your eyes.
“Love is not for the naïve. It’s for the strong. It’s for those who have faith in people. To love someone is to trust them with your heart. It’s finding happiness in a single soul. It’s finding someone who accepts you for who you are, who loves
all the things you hate about yourself. It’s having that one person to laugh and cry with. Love isn’t easy and sometimes it’s a choice. It’s choosing that person even when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs or when distance separates you. It’s choosing to look past their flaws and love them regardless. It’s having a hand to hold through every season, sunshine or rain; it doesn’t matter because you know you will get through both and there will be a rainbow at the end of it. Love doesn’t make you weak. It’s the highest show of strength, courage and trust.”
As she danced in the rain, with the lights behind her, laughter on her lips and the stars watching, I finally understood the word ‘beautiful’.
She was a ray of light in the dark. She was the brightest star in the sky. She was good. She was pure. She was happiness. She was truly an unrivalled beauty.
“Because I wanted to see how far I could break you until you learnt to fight back.”
“The devil was once an angel too.”
But is that not better than being beaten and bruised, my brain argues. I know she is thinking straight, but I wish my wounded heart could understand. Sometimes I wish I didn’t live my life with my heart leading.
Dear God, if you are there and listening, please send me a guardian angel. I know I asked for one before, and you sent me Kai. He taught me how to love, but now I need a different one. Please send me one that can teach me how to survive this heartbreak.
How much heartbreak can one person bear? There has to be a way out of this dark tunnel because I can’t spend the rest of my life suffocated by the pain other people have inflicted on me.
“It’s unfair that we, who have been hurt, are burdened with the weight of forgiveness, especially when those who hurt us haven’t asked for it. You can’t force it to come. As the days go by, you will feel that burden lift from your shoulders.
“I thought I was staying for you,” she continues, “but it was my fear of the world without him. If anything, I should have left for you. I am so sorry for putting you through that. I am a mother and you should have been put first. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
“We can’t control how others treat us, but we do have a say in who we become after. Don’t let her actions change who you become. Put your head up and walk away.”
“It’s not the letting go part that is hurting you. It’s the betrayal from the person you trusted most. It’s knowing that you allowed yourself to bleed to protect them from the knives others tried to stick in their back. All the while, they sharpened their knife and stuck it into your back, straight to your heart.”
I sacrificed my happiness trying to make you happy. I let my daughter think this is what love is. But this isn’t love. Did you ever love me?”
My mum never let me see that sadness, though. She held my hand and loved me even though her heart was broken.
“Maybe there is no point but it’s down to us to make our lives mean something. We don’t all have to change the world. Sometimes helping one person is enough and it’s okay if that person is yourself.”
“I can’t live in a world thinking like that. I like to see the good in people.” “That thinking is going to destroy you. People are going to hurt you over and over again,” he warns.
“Pain is part of life. We can’t escape it. We have to learn how to overcome it. You can’t stop living in fear of being hurt. Love has hurt me more than once, but I won’t give it up in fear of it hurting again.”
Dear God, take me away from this life even if it means to take my life.
Tomorrow it’s me, you and the stars.”
“You value love before everything else, including yourself. If you chose yourself instead of love, you would have been able to walk away. But it is more important for you to feel loved than it is to be happy.”
“I like the night. It brings me peace. The world is quiet. It’s just me, my thoughts and the stars. Things were constantly changing in my life, but at night, the stars always remained. I could be myself; I could tell them whatever I wanted and they never judged me; they never left. They came back every night even when I didn’t deserve the company.”
Things are always changing. Wars are fought, you can move countries, decades can pass. But the stars… the stars remain constant; they stay the same. They have witnessed an eternity of promises being made and broken. They listen to the secrets of the night. They come out in the dark for all those who are in need of some light. They never abandon you. You asked why I like the stars? They haven’t let me down – they are my only constant.”
Just because someone was once good to you, doesn’t mean they are owed your forgiveness. It’s okay to accept that some things aren’t meant to last forever. I don’t have to erase the good moments with her, but I do have to respect myself.
“I told you I didn’t have a heart, and maybe that is true. Maybe when you and I were created, my heart was designed for you. I’m starting to believe that life broke my heart, so the pieces could fit perfectly in yours to make it whole again. It’s yours, Avalanna. Keep it or break it; it was only ever yours to begin with. Just promise to take care of it. Protect it. Live with it. But most importantly, don’t be afraid to love with it because, as you once said, what is life without love?”
“People talk of forgiveness like we are all capable of it. Forgiveness is hard but holding on to that pain is even harder. You might never get an apology. You will just have to find a way to let go of the pain they caused you. Sometimes that is realising you are better without them.”
“Everything I did, it was for you,” he whispers. “One day, you will understand why it has to be this way, Avalanna. This world never let me call you mine, but that is okay because look again.” He points at all his tattoos again, but I am still confused. “You are wherever you can feel my heartbeat. You are what keeps it beating, my Avalanna.”
When I look at myself, I don’t see you anymore. The scars you left are simply wounds of the battles I fought and won. Because I did win, Kai. I found happiness after you. I found it in my family, friends, new home, and new job. But most importantly, I found it in myself. I know what I am worth now. You made me feel disgusting in my own skin. Your affairs were a punch in my gut. I compared myself to every beautiful girl on the street. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. But I am. I have always been enough. It was on you that you couldn’t see it.
That love is what will build you for the world out there. It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults. I pray you never know how it feels to be broken and alone. Live your life, little one. Non solum est. Vivamus.”
But heartbreak is inevitable, little one. It isn’t only falling in love that causes heartbreak. Not everyone falls in love, but we are all heartbroken. People will let you down, hurt you and abandon you. Don’t let it consume you. Let it go. Accept that people come and go. Things will change. Love is not constant, but that isn’t a bad thing. Appreciate it while you have it, and search for it when it’s gone. Because you will find it again, little one. Love will always find you. Just remember to turn the page. The story only stops if you put the pen down.”
The problem is, when you sit with pain, it festers into something deeper.
