The Lost God

by Sheila Masterson

Fear will be your catalyst, and only you can decide who fear will make you.”

Cecilia let it make her a warrior.

Though Cecilia regularly walked into caves full of unpredictable ancient magic, she found marriage a more terrifying prospect.

He spoke her name like it was a dirty word.

“I have no desire to be queen, but if I were in charge, I would put women in places of power. There wouldn’t be any more wars, just diplomacy, less foolishness and fighting.”

“Too many people have made you feel small and unimportant. I would treat you like a queen.”

“I promise the next time I see you, I will kiss you like you deserve to be kissed, and I won’t stop until you’re trembling and your knees are weak,” the hunter whispered.

This is what love does, she thought as her eyelids grew heavy. It binds you together recklessly, whether you’re ready or not.

Love needed no permission to grow roots and bloom.

She was sure her hunter was watching from the shadows.

You reminded me of the moonlight on your skin and kissing you, and I had a momentary lapse of sanity.”

“It’s magic.” She laughed. “Rainer’s mother was an earth witch, but she had a gift for scents. She and my mother were good friends, and she used magic to bind the smell of the day I was born. My birthday is in late July, when the lemon trees and lavender bloom.”

“Goddess, don’t cry. I won’t die,” Xander said, brushing away her tears. “I haven’t kissed you enough to give in to death yet. Grimon would have to drag me to the Underworld himself to get me away from you, and I’m not sure the god of death could manage that with the way I feel. I know what would heal me even better than your powers, Cece.”

“If you die. I will kill you,” she whispered as she drew away.

“I was so fascinated by you I couldn’t help but come back. I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you. That’s not a line, Cece. It’s the truth.

Magic sings to a witch’s soul, and a witch’s soul sings back,

Right as their lips were about to brush,

Rainer turned his head.

“I can’t,” he rasped.

“You’ll never give me more,” she whispered as the understanding settled like a chill in her bones. “I can’t, Cece. I promised I would always keep you safe. If that means that I have to lose you to someone else, I can accept it.” The words pierced her like a well-aimed arrow.

He gave her scraps to stave off her hunger, but never enough to feel full.

She didn’t realize until that moment how much of her future, how many secret parts of her heart, she’d reserved for Rainer. Now that Xander had shown her how it felt to be wanted, to be chased eagerly, she had something to measure Rainer against, and he fell short.

“To have everyone know what’s in my heart while you run around with whoever, just so you can push me away and be a good little soldier. I don’t want your scraps. You’re a coward, Rainer. You’ll never care about anything the way you care about being a guardian.”

In the depths of her heart, a voice bellowed for more.

Alone in the darkness, Cecilia promised herself she would never want less again.

she noticed how Xander read her body and mood without the benefit of a bond. There was a current running between the two of them that surged to life whenever they were close.

“It’s so rare you let me see you.” “Nonsense. You’ve seen me every day since you got here.” “On the contrary, Cece. You only let me see bits and pieces. It’s so rare you let me see more than what you wish to present.”

“I think by now you should realize I’m good at everything, love.”

“And what do you want?” She couldn’t stop herself from asking. “All of you. Every part of you. Your time and attention. I want to please you. I want to hear the sounds you make when you’re pleased. I want to see your flushed cheeks and bright eyes after I satisfy you. I want to know every secret beautiful thing you hide from the world. Please don’t ask me any more questions.”

In the fading light, she realized falling for Xander felt like freedom.

Xander could read her with no magic bonding them together.

“I’m going to do everything, Cece.”

“This was worth whatever else we have to endure.”

Perhaps his love was the balm to the pervasive loneliness she’d felt her whole life.

She sobbed for the lonely little girl she’d been, the lonely young woman she had become, and the lonely old woman she would be.

“I am promised to no man,” Cecilia barked.

For a second before she fell asleep, the bitterness of betrayal grew faint, and she felt safe.

Everything that had seemed so simple just days ago seemed impossibly complex. The black and white of her life twisted into a murky gray mess.

She put everything she felt into the kiss, as if she could lure him from death’s doorstep with the promise of more.

“Don’t you dare die on me, Xander,” she whispered against his lips. “I hate you so much, but I’ll hate you more if you die.”

You loved who I was in the dark when I was afraid to step out into the light.

Love was the last hard thing worth having. Love was something she didn’t mind being bad at. Love was the thing that grasped her hand when she stood on the edge of the abyss of her grief and pulled her back, kissed her softly, and helped her lay down her burdens.

It is a Godkiller, blessed with a special spell. It can kill any living gods, but if the moment comes and there’s a loss you truly cannot survive, you can have the one you can’t live without stab you through the heart. You will die, but they will live. And then you will ascend to be with your real family and me. I would prefer that you live a long and happy life, so think hard before making such a sacrifice.”

Cecilia had never given Rainer credit for truly seeing her.

“Love is power, Cece. At least it is to those who know how to use it,” Grimon said, looking at Rainer again. “Sometimes power can save those we love.”

Rainer brushed his fingers over her cheek. “You gave me so many chances. I’d go back. I’d give it all up for you.” His eyes sharpened on hers. “There has never been a moment when I wasn’t breathless with love for you. I was made to love you, Cece.”

Her love for him was a phoenix. She watched it burn, but now it rose from the ash reborn, a different form, and yet somehow still the most familiar thing in her life. I was made to love you, and I’ll never stop. Cecilia wondered if the fates were trying to tell her she was made to love him too.

Cecilia Reznik was gone. Princess Cecilia Savero was gone. They had both laid down their lives at the altar of grief to raise a new life. Goddess Cecilia.

She was a breaker of minds, a bender of reality, a plague on memory. A Lost Goddess found. She was ruination.