Bill the Vampire (The Tome of Bill, #1)

by Rick Gualtieri

that and, worst of all, most of them knew it, too. Talk about the world being unfair. On the other hand, I didn't see anyone else in the car with a smokin’ piece sitting next to them, so I figured I'd cut the world some slack ... just this once, mind you. So, there she was, going through my stuff, while I sat there doing nothing except tensing up in case she bolted when the doors next opened. Yeah, yeah, I know, but gaming

swordmage. Speaking of which, she pulled it out of the bag and gave me a questioning glance. Okay, there went that fantasy of hooking up with the world’s hottest gamer chick. “Um. It's for

as she put my new mini back in the bag. She then went back to ignoring the basic rules of “don't touch what isn't yours.” Pulling out my new books, she began thumbing through them with an expression that appeared to be a combination of pity and humor. In a bit of foreshadowing that only happens in the most desperate of stories,

is cute,” she said, handing me the latest revision to the Manual of the Undead. “Have to keep up with the rule changes,” I stammered, no doubt continuing my unbroken streak of lowering her initial opinion of me even further. “Sure you do.”

have them. Even me.” “You play...” “Not THOSE kind of rules. But rules nevertheless,” she cryptically continued. “There are all sorts of games ... some a little more adult than others.” Okay ... it was time to shift a bit in my seat, as my pants suddenly felt a tad too tight. She let the uncomfortable

Not quite believing the reality I had somehow stepped into, I mimicked her movement. “No problem. I'm Bill. Bill Ryder,” I said as I shook her hand. (YES! Houston, we have achieved physical contact.) “Pleasure

didn't notice anything odd about the handshake. I'd love to tell you that her hand was overly cold and clammy, or that perhaps she had a grip that would have made a much stronger man wince. But the truth is ... well, okay, the truth is that her hand could have been covered in scales and crawling with

always hear reports on the news about people who have just won the lottery, and they always recount with exact detail what they were doing when they found out. Bullshit, I say. When any major Holy Shit moment occurs, we tend to go a bit numb and then maybe later try to fill in the details as best we can. Well, that was as close as

more interesting things than hands in front of me. Oh, well, maybe next time I hook up with an apex predator with killer cleavage, I'll be a little more attentive. Continuing my streak of witty banter, I then asked, “So, come here often?” Yeah, I know,

to find that little bit of adult dialogue hiding somewhere inside of me. “Sorry, that was kinda lame. What I meant to ask is whether you hang out in Manhattan often.” “Much better.” She acknowledged me with a smile.

shopping today.” “I can tell.” She gestured down at the bags through which she had recently finished rifling. “You?” “Me what?” “What are you up to?” “Well, besides talking to a very nervous-sounding guy on the train, I was simply out enjoying the day. Since the nervous-sounding guy I'm talking to also sounds

nice smile ... amongst other awesome parts. Sensing an opening, I pounced ... figuratively. “There's still plenty of day left.” “That there is,” she agreed. Hot damn, I was a

through the park? Maybe we could grab a coffee at one of those sidewalk cafes.” She frowned a bit at that. Oh crap, we're losing the patient. “Sorry, I can't.” I'd been there before, so I knew the drill to try to save a little bit of my crushed ego. “No. I didn't mean it like that, I...” But she cut

stuff to get done before tonight.” Okay, the deal wasn't dead yet. The door was still hanging open, so I put my foot in it. “What's tonight?” I asked. “A couple of my friends are coming over. I'm throwing a little party.” “That's cool.”

together with close friends is always fun.” “You think so?” She turned to look me dead in the eye. “I don't suppose you'd want to come?” she continued, her tone changing, almost becoming shy. “I mean, I know we just met. I don't want to come across as too aggressive.” Too aggressive? Christ, she could’ve thrown me down

subway and I still wouldn't have considered that too aggressive. Note to self: remember that little fantasy for later on when I'm alone. “No, no, it's cool,” I said, trying to reassure her. “I'm not really too busy tonight (an understatement if ever there was one).

to pretend I hadn’t noticed. “Why wouldn't I be?” I asked, attempting not to sound too desperately excited. “Well, you seem like a sweet guy, but I should warn you now, my friends can get a little rowdy.” “I can handle rowdy. They raise us tough in Brooklyn,” I fibbed. “All right, then, it's

in a “be somewhere together, maybe hold hands, maybe maybe make out, and if things go really well ... wake up together” type of date? Hell, yeah! Damn, as soon as I told someone about this, my cred amongst my buddies would automatically shoot up by about ten

part of my brain that wanted instead to shout, “OH YEAH, BABY! MAKE ME YOUR PLAYTHING!”

“Great!” “So, what time does this soiree

up any time after d...

A moment later, the train stopped and Sally popped to her feet, her tight body moving in all the right ways. “This is me,” she said as she walked to the door. “Hope to see you there.” She then stepped out onto the platform and gave a little wave. I glanced down at the address on my

up again, a scant second later, and Sally was gone. I jumped to my feet and stuck my head out the door to give her a quick wave goodbye, but she was nowhere to be seen. Had I been in a slightly less euphoric

way she could have gotten there in the time I looked away. To the left ... there was only the darkness of the subway tunnel.

how just a few random events can turn things into the perfect shit storm. Under normal circumstances, my roommates would have been home when I arrived and, between the three of us, we would have probably psyched each other out and blown the whole damn thing off in favor of going out for

doubt the whole “too good to be

the possibility of some prime pussy and the three of us would now be lying around, kind of dead. I’d give it a fifty/fifty shot of either scenario occurring

a complete asshole, I guess in the end only one of us biting the big one is better than our families having to throw a triple funeral. Regardless, none of that came to pass. Tom was at his family's house for the day. Ed must have taken a break and gone out

voice in my head that typically reasoned with me pretty much sounded like a harsher amalgam of my two roommates. Where they might have decided on a different course of action for the evening, I knew that if I considered for even a second not going to this party, I'd have to contend with my own

Oh, well. At the time, I figured the worst-case scenario was that I'd be out a few bucks for train fare. At least I would have killed a few hours that otherwise would’ve been wasted on some online raid with my guild brothers. A definite night of World of Warcraft versus the slight chance of hooking up with some chick straight from the pages of a Victoria’s

nuked myself a couple of pieces of chicken (no point in heading toward probable disappointment hungry) and then proceeded to clean myself up, figuring simple was best. I wouldn't even know what to wear to look cool in the Village, so instead opted for business casual. That was usually a safe way to go when in doubt. I was just winging it here.

the coolest attire, but at least I wouldn't look scummy. Hopefully Sally wasn't one of those chicks who was into dating dirt bags. Speaking of which ... was this really a date? Sure, the word had come up, but the truth was I had no idea. Hell, I wasn't even sure

myself. Ooh, Sally and a little head. Now there's a possibility I could get behind. Anyhow... I got myself together as best as I could. I wasn’t a male model by any stretch of the imagination, but not exactly pre-Subway Jared-looking, either. It'd do. I grabbed my

Saturday night trains were a lot like rush hour trains. People were in a hurry to get where they're going and, for the most part, stayed out of each other’s way. Even the homeless mostly seemed to understand this, and the onslaught of panhandling decreased a bit during these times. After all, getting in front of a determined

closest to my destination. It let me off about five short blocks from where I was headed, which I was able to walk with no problem. In retrospect, the whole trip was a little underwhelming. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that fateful journeys like these were supposed to be filled with foreshadowing. It should have been storming outside,

say I really

a retro feel to it.

this area either was trying to be cutting-edge hip or

non-male-model variety I had noticed before. Odd. I was actually starting to wonder if this was about to turn into the hazing scene from Revenge of The Nerds when Jeff began slowly pacing

That's exactly what happened. It's kind of comforting to know that being a corpse hasn't affected my sense of humor. Unfortunately, it's the, hah-hah, if I don't laugh, then I'll start screaming, type of comedy. But hey, never let it be said I didn't crack wise in the face of a creature that shouldn't exist, right before it lowered its head to tear into my throat.

also explained why I was slowly starting to regain my senses as opposed to standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter reading back to me a list of all the times I masturbated. Unless I was seriously hallucinating, I'd seen enough movies to know I would most likely going to wake up with a serious overbite and a hankering for

wasn't also all sparkly, because that would just be fucking weird. I had to admit, now that the wooziness had started to clear, I didn't feel half bad. Had I not

Yuck