Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

the language of self-criticism cuts like a knife.

Remember this.

People with critical parents learn the message early on that they are so bad and flawed that they have no right to be accepted for who they are.

Bad cop punishes undesirable behavior, and good cop rewards desirable behavior. This leads to fear and distrust among children, who soon come to believe that only by being perfect will they be worthy of love.

The implication is that failure is an option box that need not be checked.

There is a difference, however, between healthy self-deprecating humor and unhealthy self-disparagement. The first indicates that someone is self-confident enough to poke fun at him- or herself. The second reveals deep-seated insecurities about personal worth and value.

Which Is it for me?

Self-critics are often attracted to judgmental romantic partners who confirm their feelings of worthlessness.

A person who is insecurely attached as a child but somehow manages to find a loving, supportive romantic partner as an adult can eventually learn to become securely attached. Healthy romantic relationships allow us to realize that actually, we are valuable and worthy of care, that others can be trusted to meet our needs. Skilled therapists can also help change insecure attachment bonds by providing unconditional support to their clients. The safe space and deep listening provided by a therapist allows access to the deep-rooted patterns formed in our childhood, bringing them to the surface so they can be re-formed.

Instead of seeing ourselves as a problem to be fixed, therefore, self-kindness allows us to see ourselves as valuable human beings who are worthy of care.

We are likely to spend enormous amounts of time and energy dealing with the crisis, making doctors appointments, calling insurance companies, and so on. Although all this is certainly necessary, it’s also very important to recognize that these experiences take a lot out of us emotionally. We need to stop for a breath or two and acknowledge that we’re having a hard time, and that our pain is deserving of a kind, caring response. Otherwise, our suffering will go unattended, and feelings of stress and worry will only mount. We risk getting burned out, exhausted, and overwhelmed, because we’re spending all our energy trying to fix external problems without remembering to refresh ourselves internally.

Because of our innate tendency to move away from pain, it can be extremely difficult to turn toward our pain, to hold it, to be with it as it is.

Our emotional suffering is caused by our desire for things to be other than they are. The more we resist the fact of what is happening right now, the more we suffer. Pain is like a gaseous substance. If you allow it to just be there, freely, it will eventually dissipate on its own. If you fight and resist the pain, however, walling it into a confined space, the pressure will grow and grow until there is an explosion.

Such a simple truth.

So it’s definitely not the case that self-compassion leads to complacency and inertia. Quite the opposite. By losing our fear of failure, we become free to challenge ourselves to a far greater degree than would otherwise be possible.

If I wait for my partner to give me what I need while he’s waiting for me to give him what he needs, we might both be waiting a long time. This is where self-compassion can come in handy. If you can compassionately validate your own feelings, gently reminding yourself that it’s only natural for you to feel the way you do, you won’t have to speak louder and louder in order to feel heard.

Been here, done this