Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

C. wrote: "Wow Justin GREAT story!

I think you've taken vivid imagery to the next level, dude.

Excellent job.

-C"

Thank you C, much appreciated!

Indeed. Very busy month. Mine's up too.

Red Planet Piscators

“Lithu, you old fool. You’ll never catch anything with that!” A soft breeze tussled Talic’s silver locks as the fishing skiff floated lazily on the Grand Canal. Lithu looked up patiently from the knot he was tying and gave him a full dose of incredulity.

“And since when did you become an expert in fishing, hmmm?” The hapless bait tried squirming out of Lithu’s grasp, but its fate was sealed.

“Your catch pot is just as empty as mine, old friend.”

Talic harrumphed his protestations and demonstrated his displeasure by rotating away from Lithu’s perch. Lithu chuckled softly to himself. Silence reigned between them once again, broken only by the gentle lapping of water against the skiff.

Peering over its side, Lithu could see the bioluminescence of his intended catch far below them. He cast his line out as far as his atrophying arms could muster, tied it off, then sat down again with a harpoon across his lap. He patted it lovingly.

The deepening twilight cast long shadows across the Grand Canal that soon enveloped the little skiff. Yet cook fires from settlements carved into its massive walls jumped out in stark contrast, winking and blinking against the veil of darkness. Talic lit a small oil lamp and hung it on the mast. Its light was feeble, but sufficient for their needs.

“I knew we should have brought different bait,” muttered Talic.
“Relax my friend, we’re in no rush,” rebutted Lithu.
“If you want to grow old on this sorry excuse for a boat, that’s your business. But I for one am tired of it, and I’m tired of you!”
Lithu’s reservoir of patience suddenly emptied faster than the flagon he had downed before heading out on this ill-tempered sortie.
“You’re one to talk, you free-loading, loud-mouthed, sand-snorting, no-nothing imbecile!”

The small skiff rocked violently as the two former friends twisted to face each other. Light from the oil lamp danced drunkenly across the darkened waters, while below the skiff, a massive shape outlined in bioluminescence undulated towards Lithu’s dangling bait.

Talic’s thoracic arms anchored him to the skiff’s gunwales while his shoulder arms waved vigorously in Lithu’s face. “Imbecile eh?! Well I’m not the one using the wrong bait you asinine old gravel gobbler!”

“Nobody forced you to come with me Talic!” retorted Lithu, struggling for a more potent insult. “You can swim home if you’d like. I’m sure the Greeshack will find you a tasty morsel indeed!”

Lithu’s line quivered slightly, and unnoticed.

“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Try me!”

Arms flailed. Insults flew. References to parentage and marital fidelity became pointed. Suddenly, Lithu’s line went taut and the skiff’s bow dipped precipitously, nearly knocking the two arguers overboard.

“Greeshack!!” they both exclaimed, their disagreement temporarily forgotten.

The skiff lurched forward at incredible speed, leaving a glowing trail in its wake.

“There!” pointed Talic.

“I see it! Harpoon!”

Talic dutifully passed the harpoon to Lithu’s open hand.

“Light the fuse!”

Sparks devoured their way up the winding fuse, showering the deck with heat and jumping overboard to extinction. Lithu watched the dark waters intently for flashes of the Greeshack’s bioluminescence.

“Pull the line in!” shouted Lithu. “Get him to the surface!”

Talic’s four arms heaved on the line, causing the Greeshack to slow its forward flight in an effort to quell the pain in its massive jaws.

“Steady…steady…NOW!!”

With a final frantic exertion, Talic pulled once more on the line, bringing the Greeshack to the surface in an eruption of boiling fury and water. Lithu aimed the harpoon at its glistening underbelly just as the last of the fuse disappeared. The barbed lance rocketed forward, striking the leviathan dead center, and continued until it was buried deep within its innards. Its explosive charge detonated, blowing a jagged hole along its ventral side and showering Lithu and Talic with glowing viscera.

Stunned and dying, the Greeshack thrashed helplessly for a few moments as its life ebbed away, then floated limply on the dark waters of the Grand Canal.

Lithu’s ears were still ringing from the harpoon’s detonation when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find Talic barely a handbreadth away from his face.

“I still think you used the wrong bait!” he yelled.
Lithu looked at him quizzically. “You think you need a new mate?!”

“I said ‘bait’ you old fool, not mate! Bait!”

“If you want a new mate, would you be offended if I called on Siliea?”

Talic’s four hands moved towards Lithu’s throat.

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2018
Reviews/critiques welcome

Yes, nice job Kalifer. It really hooked me!

Carrie wrote: "Justin wrote: "Carrie wrote: "My goodness how this week has flown by.
And a great batch of stories from all.
Life is slowing down a bit so hopefully I'll be able to chime in more often!"

Slowing d..."

Whatever it takes! :)

Good story Tom! I kept picturing the clones with Stormtrooper helmets. Not your fault, just my simple mind. Good work!

I'll add my congratulations to the pile. Nice work!!

Carrie wrote: "My goodness how this week has flown by.
And a great batch of stories from all.
Life is slowing down a bit so hopefully I'll be able to chime in more often!"

Slowing down? Isn't it deer hunting season?!

Insert Roger Daltrey scream from "Won't Get Fooled Again" here.

G.C. wrote: "I almost named the story "Magic Bus". But Justin can you be more specific on the theme?"

Song titles from The Who of course! I listen to them when I'm cranking out miles on the treadmill. I can see for miles and miles and miles and, well, you get the idea. Nice Easter egg!

It's an Eminence Front - It's a put on.

Great batch of stories everyone! I thought there were very creative uses of this month's theme and required elements. Nicely done!

G.C. wrote: "My story is up, not like it's the last minute or anything.

It has a hidden theme (I don't think it's that hard to figure out). It was sort of an exercise for me. Figure it out! :-)"

"I woke up in a SOHO doorway, a policeman knew my name. He said, you can go sleep at home tonight if you can get up and walk away. I staggered back to the underground and the breeze blew back my hair. I remember throwing punches around and preaching from my chair. Well Who are you?!"

"Meet the new boss! Same as the old boss!"

Tom wrote: "Critique by Tom Olbert of -- "Goodbyes and Greetings" by Justin Sewell

A moving and very starkly visualized tale of a man giving up the woman he loves for his duty to complete a top secret mission..."

Thanks Tom for the review! It gave me a perspective I had not thought about while writing this. I will agree that the middle segment is perhaps weaker than the rest. I had a difficult time after the introductory part figuring out how I could get the hero into the ship and pod and on his merry way with the minimum amount of fuss. I feel that I often start a story well and then back myself into a corner without enough words left to make a strong ending.

I always find it interesting to see how others interpret my work. For example, I'm not sure Jamie was his wife. I was actually thinking more like girlfriend, but leaving his wife is more powerful. The long sleep between Earth and the alien world is barely hinted at I admit, and the alien woman did not have telepathy in my mind (no pun intended) - though that would make it even more interesting if she had read Erik's mind.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to review my story!

Tom wrote: "Justin wrote: "Review of “The Perfect Murder” by Tom Olbert

As Khan Noonian Sing noted in Star Trek II, revenge is a dish best served cold – and it is very cold in space.

Jack Dysler has committe..."
It was dramatically ironic! :)

Review of “The Perfect Murder” by Tom Olbert

As Khan Noonian Sing noted in Star Trek II, revenge is a dish best served cold – and it is very cold in space.

Jack Dysler has committed the perfect murder of his ex-wife. Now beyond the reach of human justice through time and space, he awakens to a new time and a clean slate. His past is long forgotten, except by his vindictive sister-in-law, Janice. Aided by merging with a dying alien, Janice has waited patiently to avenge her sister’s death. After paralyzing a stunned Jack, she reveals her new form, teeth, tongue and talons, and proceeds to exact her revenge in a most grisly fashion.

“The Perfect Murder” shows that despite advancing into space, humanity’s worst traits are there too. Yet justice is not thwarted and the protagonist meets a satisfying ending. The story is tightly written and does not dwell too long on one particular part. There is no extra fluff to cut through, just lean muscle – or perhaps just a finger.

I think for me the weakest link is the coincidental arrival of the alien at just the right time to merge with a distraught Janice. I understand it is critical to moving the plot forward. It is the deus ex machina that most of our stories often use, necessarily, to meet the required structure of our monthly competition.

Overall a good story, 3.75 stars out of 5. 

It is darker C. Smacks you in the face. Good edit!

Goodbyes and Greetings

“Jamie you have to go now!” Wind-whipped snow stung Erik’s partially exposed face. The last C-130 out of McMurdo Station sat on the frozen runway, propellers turning furiously.

“But they can’t just leave you here!”

“They have to, and I volunteered! The Captain says there is too much ice on the plane and they have to reduce weight! There’s no de-icer left to spray on the wings, so if you don’t leave now you’re condemning everyone else to the same fate!”

An Air Force loadmaster began pulling Jamie out of his arms.

“We have to go now ma’am!”

The C-130 began moving ever so slowly, its red beacons and anti-collision lights eerily illuminating the Antarctic landscape.

Erik pushed her away and Jamie allowed herself to be dragged up the cargo ramp. She stared back at him as it slowly closed and Erik felt at that moment his entire world slip away.

Pulling his ski mask back over his rapidly numbing nose, he watched the hulking shape of the transport lumber to the end of the runway and turn sharply in preparation for takeoff. The light in one of the aft windows suddenly went dark, and he knew, though he could not be certain, that she was watching him.

Turboprops thrumming with herculean power, the C-130 rotated at the runway’s midpoint and climbed skyward. It rapidly disappeared into the deepening twilight.

Erik watched until he could no longer see it. He looked around at the equipment and sample cases that had been hastily ejected from the transport. Well, at least we saved all the data, he thought to himself. It was cold consolation for what he had just lost and gave him no solace for the immediate future. He heard the crunch of snow burdened footfalls behind him and waited for their owner to appear next to him.

“Are they away?”

“You know they are.”

“It’s for the best of course.”

“Easy for you to say Felix. I have to live with what I’ve just done - making her think I’m condemned to death, alone at the bottom of the world.”

The other man clapped Erik on the back.

“Time heals all wounds Erik – and soon you’re going to have more time than any man in history. C’mon, the team is waiting.”

***
The Sno-Cat ride passed in a blur as it headed out past McMurdo’s established boundaries. Erik tried to see out of the heavily fogged windows but soon gave up. Besides, he already knew where he was going. Tunnel Shaft Two was the most clandestine site ever maintained by the United States, and known to only a few key military and scientific personnel. Overseen by DARPA, it was the blackest of black operations – for good reason.

“After you’re finished with medical and de-con, meet me in the chamber,” said Felix. “And for heaven’s sake don’t touch anything!”

Erik nodded his understanding and moved slowly towards the bio-suited assistants waiting for him. His thoughts turned to Jamie, and he wrestled furiously with the magnitude of what he was about to do.

***
Ancient power coursed through the veins of the ship buried under the Antarctic ice. It was there by design, not by accident, an extraterrestrial invitation to journey across the universe.

Erik stepped hesitantly into the chamber, clad in a thin black body suit and struggling to keep his anxiety in check. Felix stood to one side in full bio-hazard gear.

“Are you ready?”

“No, but let’s get this over with before I lose my nerve.”

A shimmering, crystal-like cylinder stood along the far side of the chamber. It made a distinct, but not unpleasant hum and thin tendrils of vapor emanated from it, curling around Erik’s ankles. The instructions from another world were simple: step inside.

“One giant leap for mankind Erik,” said Felix. “Give me a twenty count so I can get out.”

“Felix!” The other man halted mid-stride at the chamber’s threshold.

“Make sure she’s okay for me.”

“I will.”

Erik counted slowly to twenty, then stepped inside the cylinder. His eyes instantly felt heavy and blackness closed in around him.

Suddenly, he became aware of soft light and warmth encompassing his body, and then a smiling face looking down at him.

She, and she was clearly female, had light blue skin and a full head of graceful silver hair that fell to the middle of her back.

“Hello Errrrrik, I am J’A’Me,” she said, the human words foreign to her mouth.

“Welcome to my world.”

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2018
Reviews/critiques welcome

Wow Sharon. That one hit me in the gut! Great work!

LOL, it's not crap. I thought you wove the two together nicely.