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Overthinking about You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, Ocd, And/Or Depression
Dating is hard. But pursuing love and relationships when you live with mental illness can be even more overwhelming. Allison Raskin knows this challenge firsthand and shares her journey with perfect candor. She’s learned from her experiences, and we get to learn from her, discovering new ways to form healthy dating and relationship habits. How do you talk to a partner about your mental health? What is the potential impact of SSRIs on your body? What is the difference between having valid concerns and catastrophizing? It’s all here, from meeting online to how to handle a breakup, from recognizing and avoiding unhealthy relationships to the big one—sex. Woven in throughout are interviews with clinical psychologists, a psychiatrist, a sexologist, relationship experts, and real-life couples for their points of view and professional guidance. All to help you walk away from this book feeling less alone in the struggle and better prepared to tackle dating and relationships with more confidence and less worry. It’s a transformative book, with insights on every page and an inspiring message of optimism and hope.
208 pages, Paperback
Published May 3, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 183 reviews
March 21, 2022
Okay let's be honest, I haven't been on a date in 2 years since becoming single. I can guarantee majority of the reason is due to the anxiety around dating again and relationships as a whole. This book gave me alot of encouraging insight. I believe the author put in some touchy subjects but her transparency about them truly made me enjoy this book even more. I think after reading this, I'm more confident and understanding to my anxiety to be actually able to try dating sometime in the future! Good book for those suffering with helpful insight.
This ARC was given to me from NetGalley to read and review and give my personal opinions on this book. All statements above are my own and based solely on my own opinions after reading the book.
This ARC was given to me from NetGalley to read and review and give my personal opinions on this book. All statements above are my own and based solely on my own opinions after reading the book.
April 1, 2022
I could have used this advice earlier in my life. I realize I've been a serial monogamist, and having a safe person has been part of my identity ever since I can remember, since before sex was a concept in my life. I'm fortunate to have found a suitable, supportive, wonderful partner to make a family with, but I'd recommend this book to any of my peers who's still looking or who has baggage built up around dating, relationships, or past breakups.
The longest relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. You want to make sure it is one full of love, respect, and compassion. (How can you expect someone to understand you and anticipate your reactions if you can't do the same for yourself?) It's your job to listen to what your mind is telling you and decide if it's actually a fact or just a thought. You can only control your behavior. You can't control your thoughts. Be kind. Create space between stimulus and response. These are basic truths we must acknowledge before we're able to support a healthy relationship in our lives.
Sometimes your anxiety is healthy, when it is expressing your wisdom and directing you to healthier things. That said, if you have an open wound, someone only needs to flick you for the pain to be excruciating. Time heals all wounds if you're doing things that make you healthier. Time isn't enough.
This book really focuses on new relationships without commitments like marriage, kids, mortgage. It advises that the dynamics you establish at the beginning of the relationship will most likely continue throughout the relationship--so true and so misunderstood.
That said, so much of this advice is great for established relationships, too:
You and your partner are a team! If you look at them as your adversary, you're only attacking yourself. What's good for them is good for you because you're a team.
If people are struggling and in conflict more often than they're feeling comforted, stronger, and better because of the relationship, that would be a signal of an unhealthy relationship. Are you able to pursue the things that you're interested in? Are you supported in those things? ...In healthy relationships it's not that there's no conflict or struggle; it's more that there's a sense of learning how to recover from conflict and growing closer to each other as you navigate struggles. Take what serves you and leave behind the rest if you have to end it, which is your right.
Imagine if we all collectively focused on gaining self-confidence instead of losing fat cells? <--a truth bomb I was thrilled to read here! Indeed!
Regarding my old breakups: I don't beat myself up. You can't regret not taking opportunities that weren't given. I want to be my protector, not my enemy, just like the author. We all think we're the main character in our dramas, but at times maybe we're not and we need to get out of the way and back at our own journeys. No matter what happens, my life is in good hands. They just happen to be my own.
The longest relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. You want to make sure it is one full of love, respect, and compassion. (How can you expect someone to understand you and anticipate your reactions if you can't do the same for yourself?) It's your job to listen to what your mind is telling you and decide if it's actually a fact or just a thought. You can only control your behavior. You can't control your thoughts. Be kind. Create space between stimulus and response. These are basic truths we must acknowledge before we're able to support a healthy relationship in our lives.
Sometimes your anxiety is healthy, when it is expressing your wisdom and directing you to healthier things. That said, if you have an open wound, someone only needs to flick you for the pain to be excruciating. Time heals all wounds if you're doing things that make you healthier. Time isn't enough.
This book really focuses on new relationships without commitments like marriage, kids, mortgage. It advises that the dynamics you establish at the beginning of the relationship will most likely continue throughout the relationship--so true and so misunderstood.
That said, so much of this advice is great for established relationships, too:
You and your partner are a team! If you look at them as your adversary, you're only attacking yourself. What's good for them is good for you because you're a team.
If people are struggling and in conflict more often than they're feeling comforted, stronger, and better because of the relationship, that would be a signal of an unhealthy relationship. Are you able to pursue the things that you're interested in? Are you supported in those things? ...In healthy relationships it's not that there's no conflict or struggle; it's more that there's a sense of learning how to recover from conflict and growing closer to each other as you navigate struggles. Take what serves you and leave behind the rest if you have to end it, which is your right.
Imagine if we all collectively focused on gaining self-confidence instead of losing fat cells? <--a truth bomb I was thrilled to read here! Indeed!
Regarding my old breakups: I don't beat myself up. You can't regret not taking opportunities that weren't given. I want to be my protector, not my enemy, just like the author. We all think we're the main character in our dramas, but at times maybe we're not and we need to get out of the way and back at our own journeys. No matter what happens, my life is in good hands. They just happen to be my own.
February 14, 2022
Based on the title, I assumed this book was targeted to folks in existing relationships who might get a wee bit hyperfocused on their partner. Instead, it turned out to be a very practical guide for individuals with at least moderate mental health concerns who are preparing to date or are in the very early stages of dating. The author's interwoven personal stories, sense of humor, and overall uplifting vibe kept me reading anyway! She tackles each chapter with the input of two mental health professionals, who often offer complimentary advice despite differing perspectives. Each chapter is summed up with a list of key takeaways. Language, examples, and scenarios are purposefully inclusive. Overall, I enjoyed this read and would recommend it if you fit the description above.
Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for the ARC!
Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for the ARC!
January 29, 2022
I felt very unaffected while reading Overthinking About You. Despite its relatable subject matter, I found the book altogether hard for me to relate to, it was more like the writer was telling than showing us.
I didn't find the writing to be very visceral, there wasn't really any meat to any of the personal accounts, it was very matter of fact: "He said this, she said this, I felt this way..." I wanted to feel more while reading this, like a punch to the gut! It felt like this title was heavy on the shallow personal accounts, and light on the self-help.
I think this is a book that will resonate with fans of Allison Raskin.
I received an advanced copy of this book for my honest opinion from NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company.
I didn't find the writing to be very visceral, there wasn't really any meat to any of the personal accounts, it was very matter of fact: "He said this, she said this, I felt this way..." I wanted to feel more while reading this, like a punch to the gut! It felt like this title was heavy on the shallow personal accounts, and light on the self-help.
I think this is a book that will resonate with fans of Allison Raskin.
I received an advanced copy of this book for my honest opinion from NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company.
July 20, 2023
I can't wait to read this!
June 23, 2022
I almost don't feel right giving this a star rating because I think everyone's relationship to it will be very personal, but I absolutely loved it. So much of the book made me feel seen in such a special and meaningful way, and I LOVED that even though the focus is very much on romantic relationships, so many of the takeaways can be applied universally. I'm so glad I read this one!
July 10, 2022
Is this book heavy or light? Trick question it’s transformative
Read
June 9, 2022DNF. Written like a Buzzfeed article, masquerading as professional advice.
July 3, 2023
As someone who is perpetually anxious and single I got a lot of great inspiration from reading this book. The research and insight from mental health professionals really legitimatised the concepts Allison explored and the anecdotes felt real, funny and honest.
Obviously the mental health landscape is huge and the industry is ripe with inequality. I am glad this privilege was acknowledged throughout the book although I do think some of the interviews could have been more focused on inclusivity and contain diverse voices.
The chapters in which Allison gets the most vulnerable were the most compelling to me. Relationship stuff - sex, dating, break ups - is tough but I do feel more capable to go on the dating journey thanks to this book.
I received an ARC from NetGalley.
Obviously the mental health landscape is huge and the industry is ripe with inequality. I am glad this privilege was acknowledged throughout the book although I do think some of the interviews could have been more focused on inclusivity and contain diverse voices.
The chapters in which Allison gets the most vulnerable were the most compelling to me. Relationship stuff - sex, dating, break ups - is tough but I do feel more capable to go on the dating journey thanks to this book.
I received an ARC from NetGalley.
May 10, 2022
I'm going to reason with you and say this would probably be a 4 star if
A) I hadn't already been closely following Allison for years and heard all these lovely tips before
B) I wasn't already deep into a commited long term relationship, so a lot of this advice wasn't all that applicable
This book was well structured with lots of gems of wisdom. I particularly enjoyed the chapter on sex, it felt vulnerable and insightful in the best ways. I will say I'm not a huge fan of the super chatty style some of this book was written in, but that seems to be a trend in influencer books so I can't only fault Allison on this too much. This book is definitely worth your time if you are dating and need some clarity and good advice
A) I hadn't already been closely following Allison for years and heard all these lovely tips before
B) I wasn't already deep into a commited long term relationship, so a lot of this advice wasn't all that applicable
This book was well structured with lots of gems of wisdom. I particularly enjoyed the chapter on sex, it felt vulnerable and insightful in the best ways. I will say I'm not a huge fan of the super chatty style some of this book was written in, but that seems to be a trend in influencer books so I can't only fault Allison on this too much. This book is definitely worth your time if you are dating and need some clarity and good advice
April 29, 2022
Thanks to NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company for an advanced reader copy.
I’ve followed Allison Raskin around the internet since the Buzzfeed days, so I was excited to read her book after seeing her be so public about her mental health struggles. Her voice is very clear in this and I could hear her sense of humor come through.
The parts of this book that really shone were the personal stories that Allison shared. Though the book is clearly well-researched with a variety of mental-health and relationship professionals, it got a bit clinical and info-dumpy. But I thoroughly enjoyed the portions where Allison shared her own experiences and foibles in dating.
I think this is an excellent book for people to read regardless of their relationship status; many of the key takeaways from the book have less to do with dating and more to do with self-acceptance and advocacy. It’s something you can read all at once but also refer back to as you play the dating game.
I’ve followed Allison Raskin around the internet since the Buzzfeed days, so I was excited to read her book after seeing her be so public about her mental health struggles. Her voice is very clear in this and I could hear her sense of humor come through.
The parts of this book that really shone were the personal stories that Allison shared. Though the book is clearly well-researched with a variety of mental-health and relationship professionals, it got a bit clinical and info-dumpy. But I thoroughly enjoyed the portions where Allison shared her own experiences and foibles in dating.
I think this is an excellent book for people to read regardless of their relationship status; many of the key takeaways from the book have less to do with dating and more to do with self-acceptance and advocacy. It’s something you can read all at once but also refer back to as you play the dating game.
August 1, 2022
Will be bringing my notes & highlights to therapy
May 2, 2022
When I saw this book featured in a Smart Bitches, Trashy Books email newsletter, I instantly wanted to read it. Not because of the publisher’s blurb, but more for the potential that I thought the book could have. In fact, I wanted to read this book so badly that I requested it on NetGalley (despite the lengthy to be read list that I already have with them). A miracle occurred: they granted my request!
I am so happy to have read this book: at about 75% complete, I pre-ordered five copies to give to friends. And that was before reading the sex chapter. Now that I’ve finished it, I’m thinking of even more friends who could benefit from reading it. Of the two dozen or so books that I’ve already ready this year, this one was the most worthwhile.
So why am I so enthusiastic about promoting a book that the publisher’s blurb describes as humorous personal anecdotes laced with expert advice? Primarily because it rang so true to my personal experience with occasionally debilitating mental health issues. And because the publisher’s blurb is wrong: it’s mostly advice from a variety of experts, which is illustrated by examples (humorous and otherwise) from the author’s personal dating experience. Because the book handled both mental health and sexual health is a positive nonjudgmental fashion that identified and debunked the social stigma surrounding those issues. Because the overall message was one of self-love, kindness, and compassion, which is what I really needed to hear this week. And finally because the majority of the discussion was applicable to every personal relationship - romantic or platonic, deep or shallow, ephemeral or long-standing. The perspectives offered in this book are equally applicable if you struggle with your own mental health or if you are in a personal relationship with someone who might.
I received this book as a digital advance reader copy provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest opinion.
I am so happy to have read this book: at about 75% complete, I pre-ordered five copies to give to friends. And that was before reading the sex chapter. Now that I’ve finished it, I’m thinking of even more friends who could benefit from reading it. Of the two dozen or so books that I’ve already ready this year, this one was the most worthwhile.
So why am I so enthusiastic about promoting a book that the publisher’s blurb describes as humorous personal anecdotes laced with expert advice? Primarily because it rang so true to my personal experience with occasionally debilitating mental health issues. And because the publisher’s blurb is wrong: it’s mostly advice from a variety of experts, which is illustrated by examples (humorous and otherwise) from the author’s personal dating experience. Because the book handled both mental health and sexual health is a positive nonjudgmental fashion that identified and debunked the social stigma surrounding those issues. Because the overall message was one of self-love, kindness, and compassion, which is what I really needed to hear this week. And finally because the majority of the discussion was applicable to every personal relationship - romantic or platonic, deep or shallow, ephemeral or long-standing. The perspectives offered in this book are equally applicable if you struggle with your own mental health or if you are in a personal relationship with someone who might.
I received this book as a digital advance reader copy provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest opinion.
October 2, 2022
A 3/5 seems low to some people, but I did enjoy this book and it was very easy to read. I enjoyed some of the interviews with mental health professionals and with other mentally ill people. As someone with similar mental health problems to Allison, I could relate to many aspects of her experience. She also comes across as very kind and sympathetic to the reader. A lot of what didn't work for me about this book just came down to personal preference. My main problems with the book were:
1) the book just doesn't go deep enough. A lot of the advice feels obvious. I guess all self help books are stating the obvious, but I think this one especially feels that way. There wasn't really any content that was controversial or challenging to read, except maybe the section on relationship OCD. (This section gave very different advice to what I was expecting it to, which is interesting.) If you follow a lot of mental health Instagram accounts, you've probably heard a lot of this advice. There is also a summary of the main points at the end of each chapter, which I didn't find necessary and was just extra stuff to read. Because this book has lots of different components - Allison's own experiences, interviews with experts, interviews with others, studies, general info - none of them feel completely fleshed out because the book is so short and has to switch between them quite a lot.
2) I just don't like it when authors are trying to be funny in this type of book. Just personal preference! It grates on me.
3) Allison's ex boyfriends were sometimes described quite vaguely and I didn't get much of a sense of their personalities, so when the breakups were described I didn't really understand why she was upset to lose that person. I struggle to understand why people get so upset over breakups in general and so again this may be a personal thing (I understand the logical reasons for them being upset, and am sad that they're upset, but I can't really relate so their emotions seem very intense to me). Again, someone with different experiences to me might benefit more from this book.
1) the book just doesn't go deep enough. A lot of the advice feels obvious. I guess all self help books are stating the obvious, but I think this one especially feels that way. There wasn't really any content that was controversial or challenging to read, except maybe the section on relationship OCD. (This section gave very different advice to what I was expecting it to, which is interesting.) If you follow a lot of mental health Instagram accounts, you've probably heard a lot of this advice. There is also a summary of the main points at the end of each chapter, which I didn't find necessary and was just extra stuff to read. Because this book has lots of different components - Allison's own experiences, interviews with experts, interviews with others, studies, general info - none of them feel completely fleshed out because the book is so short and has to switch between them quite a lot.
2) I just don't like it when authors are trying to be funny in this type of book. Just personal preference! It grates on me.
3) Allison's ex boyfriends were sometimes described quite vaguely and I didn't get much of a sense of their personalities, so when the breakups were described I didn't really understand why she was upset to lose that person. I struggle to understand why people get so upset over breakups in general and so again this may be a personal thing (I understand the logical reasons for them being upset, and am sad that they're upset, but I can't really relate so their emotions seem very intense to me). Again, someone with different experiences to me might benefit more from this book.
June 12, 2022
Thank you to NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company for this ARC. I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
I have been looking forward to this book for over a year since I first heard of its development and it did not disappoint.
A clear strength of Raskin's writing is how concise and personal her method of storytelling is. This text is short but packs a punch with her constant tie-ins of lessons, personal anecdotes, and relevant interviews with experts in each chapter's fields to back up the validity of her information.
I also appreciated that, unlike most self-help books, Raskin consistently reiterates that she does not speak for every community, on various topics related to mental health and the disparities at different intersections when it comes to receiving improving your mental health and dating practices.
A slight improvement I would add for future books might be a workbook component or activity of some kind at the end of some chapters to give the reader opportunities to put theory into practice.
Overall, if you are familiar with Raskin's previous work or interested in any topics in the title at all I would strongly recommend this book as a quick, enlightening, and enjoyable read!
I have been looking forward to this book for over a year since I first heard of its development and it did not disappoint.
A clear strength of Raskin's writing is how concise and personal her method of storytelling is. This text is short but packs a punch with her constant tie-ins of lessons, personal anecdotes, and relevant interviews with experts in each chapter's fields to back up the validity of her information.
I also appreciated that, unlike most self-help books, Raskin consistently reiterates that she does not speak for every community, on various topics related to mental health and the disparities at different intersections when it comes to receiving improving your mental health and dating practices.
A slight improvement I would add for future books might be a workbook component or activity of some kind at the end of some chapters to give the reader opportunities to put theory into practice.
Overall, if you are familiar with Raskin's previous work or interested in any topics in the title at all I would strongly recommend this book as a quick, enlightening, and enjoyable read!
May 23, 2022
It was a nice basic intro into issues to think about when dating if you have anxiety or depression. That being said, I felt like this was not as detailed as I wanted it to be. It gave a good overview of various dating stages and concerns. But I felt that there was not enough info about the day to day issues you might encounter and how to deal with them. I plan to keep rereading the chapters I found most relevant though, and I hope that with time I will find the answers I am looking for by applying the concepts. Otherwise, I might just need a therapist lol.
May 18, 2022
A lot of this book was so helpful and something I've needed as I'm getting back into dating. Some parts just didn't apply to me though. I appreciated the experts she consulted and their advice as well! Definitely wrote down some tips and started doing the work.
December 8, 2022
2 stars instead of one due in part to my possible bias given her annoying (to me!) voice in the audiobook which made this a negative listening experience. Agree with other low-star reviews that Raskin “tells” vs. “shows.” The book didn’t feel instructional until she spoke with pomp, which she doesn’t have the degree for, sorry.
I’d never heard of Raskin before checking this out from my local lib. Clearly I am not the target audience, despite my tendency to overthink/obsess/put love on a pedestal. For those of us with dark, dry humor and more wile than talk show wit, Barthes is a better antidote to romanticism-induced malaise. Or Bell Hooks for the “get to the point” readers. Or even Marquais for the shock-grab readers.
Maybe I’m being an elitist. Never mind that. I do believe that this story, a modern woman’s attempts to manage and mitigate OCD and the regurgitated advice she received along the way, would be better communicated in a conversation with friends or a professional.
TLDR Will Not Be Reading Any More Self Help Post ‘99.
I’d never heard of Raskin before checking this out from my local lib. Clearly I am not the target audience, despite my tendency to overthink/obsess/put love on a pedestal. For those of us with dark, dry humor and more wile than talk show wit, Barthes is a better antidote to romanticism-induced malaise. Or Bell Hooks for the “get to the point” readers. Or even Marquais for the shock-grab readers.
Maybe I’m being an elitist. Never mind that. I do believe that this story, a modern woman’s attempts to manage and mitigate OCD and the regurgitated advice she received along the way, would be better communicated in a conversation with friends or a professional.
TLDR Will Not Be Reading Any More Self Help Post ‘99.
June 27, 2022
I’m not usually one to reach for a non-fiction book, but I truly adored this read. As someone who struggles with anxiety and has a history of depression as well, this really spoke to me. I’ve been married for 4 years and with my husband for 6.5 and it has always been so important to me that he understands the way my brain works. This book will be and I’m sure already has been so beneficial for couples trying to navigate their relationships through these struggles. I also really loved Raskin’s humor peppered throughout the book. I truly felt as though I was speaking with a dear friend! Highly recommend!
August 7, 2022
To preface this review, i love Allison Raskin and was very excited to read her debut book. I find her podcast, comics, videos, etc., very helpful — she gives off great older sister advice vibes. But I’m not sure that a book was the right medium for this project. I think this would’ve been a more successful project if Allison focused on narrative non-fiction as opposed to a semi-academic, semi-journalistic approach to love and dating with mental illness. At times it comes across as an elongated college essay bound into a book.
If you’re a fan of Allison’s, there’s no harm in reading this and you will probably enjoy chapters of it. But this is a skippable read, tbh.
If you’re a fan of Allison’s, there’s no harm in reading this and you will probably enjoy chapters of it. But this is a skippable read, tbh.
June 1, 2022
I have to say Overthinking About You by Allison Raskin was my favorite read in May. It made me realize a lot about myself and what I needed to work on. I will be recommending this to my friends that are single or in a relationship. I also didn't know I needed this book in my life, and it is something I will re-read again. I can't wait to read more from Allison Raskin in the
future.
Thank you Tandem Collective and Workman pub for gifting me this book for the readalong
future.
Thank you Tandem Collective and Workman pub for gifting me this book for the readalong
January 29, 2023
I really loved this book. As someone who struggles with mental health and dating, the only regret I have is that this book wasn’t around when I was younger. It contains a plethora of advice from licensed professionals as well as the authors own personal experiences, some of which were probably hard to talk about but made the book that much more valuable to me as a reader.
March 28, 2023
3.5 - I actually really appreciated the perspective in this book and I felt like it was helpful to see the author's way of thinking about things (I do not follow her on social media so idk what other kinds of content she's put out). I felt like it was honest and nice to see that there were some things that didn't feel completely resolved. It didn't feel groundbreaking by any means, but it had some good reminders about what to do and what not to do.
July 25, 2023
this explained so much of my dating life and why i am the way i am and it was such a relief to read. every other paragraph described some internal monologue i’ve been having for years and holy cow it feels good to understand what’s happening in your head and be able to classify thoughts as stemming from ocd. i have a lot of learning to do still and i’m excited about it. :)
January 4, 2023
Gave perspective on relationships & mental health
I thought this book had some really good advice for how to think about yourself and your mental health in the context of relationships. The author says it is more geared towards people who are in the process of finding partners, but it did not stop me from gaining perspective on soothing relationship anxiety and how to communicate mental health struggles in a healthy way. I appreciated the expertise from therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist, as well as interviews with other couples and examples of dialogue.
I thought this book had some really good advice for how to think about yourself and your mental health in the context of relationships. The author says it is more geared towards people who are in the process of finding partners, but it did not stop me from gaining perspective on soothing relationship anxiety and how to communicate mental health struggles in a healthy way. I appreciated the expertise from therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist, as well as interviews with other couples and examples of dialogue.
December 20, 2022
I never realized how much my anxiety was sabotaging my interpersonal relationships.
January 7, 2023
(3.75, rounded up)
June 2, 2023
surprisingly good but minus points for some of her weird jokes
July 10, 2023
I'm not the intended audience for this book but nevertheless it provided helpful insight into conflicts within my relationship and gave me hope for ways to resolve future conflicts!
May 31, 2023
Loved this book!!!! So helpful for people in relationships or single people looking to work internally 👐🏼
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