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For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity

Liz Plank

4.28 · Rating details · 929 ratings · 182 reviews

A nonfiction investigation into masculinity, For the Love of Men provides actionable steps for how to be a man in the modern world while also exploring how being a man has evolved.

In 2019, traditional masculinity is both rewarded and sanctioned. Men grow up being told that boys don’t cry and dolls are for girls. They learn they must hide their feelings and anxieties, that ...more

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Hardcover, 325 pages

Published September 10th 2019 by St. Martin's Press

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· 929 ratings · 182 reviews

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Jul 09, 2019 Caroline rated it it was amazing

Recommends it for: Every human being

Shelves: maximum-impact, favorites, nonfiction, get-smart, she-wrote-it, page-turner, important-nonfiction, feminism, arc-or-advance-freebie, litmus-test

I’ve read many life-changing nonfiction books. Eating Animals converted me to vegetarianism immediately. Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town enlightened me on rape and the broken criminal justice system. The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence taught me about listening to gut feelings to stay safe. I could go on. But For the Love of Men turned on its head everything I knew about males and their place in this world. It was, in every sense of the word, ...more

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Aug 23, 2019 Eli rated it it was amazing

Shelves: arcs, gender, science-political, science-social, netgalley, 2019

Drop everything: This is the most important book of the year, and you need to read it.

Liz Plank pulls out the big guns in her first book, incorporating her international travel experiences, social experiments, various interviews, and well-cited research surrounding masculinity. Coming from an outsider's perspective, she approaches masculinity from every angle, peppering throughout her book interviews with a wide range of men, including a transgender man, a gay black disabled man, a mixed Native Drop everything: This is the most important book of the year, and you need to read it.

Liz Plank pulls out the big guns in her first book, incorporating her international travel experiences, social experiments, various interviews, and well-cited research surrounding masculinity. Coming from an outsider's perspective, she approaches masculinity from every angle, peppering throughout her book interviews with a wide range of men, including a transgender man, a gay black disabled man, a mixed Native American man, an openly gay former NFL player, and the father of a teenage girl who committed suicide after she was raped by a group of teenage boys at a party. If that's not enough diversity for you, she includes extensive research and factoids on places from the U.S. to Denmark to Zambia, sharing her thesis that "toxic masculinity is an epidemic that knows no borders."

This will change your opinion on feminism and every form of masculinity. This book is different for the fact that it is feminism for men. Better yet, it is exactly as the title says: mindful masculinity. She does not condemn men as inherently evil or vile. She recognizes the problems and dangers of toxic masculinity as learned behaviors that keep many men in a box that they were placed in as boys. Plank shares research on the physical, mental, and emotional harm that impacts men that subscribe to traditional notions of masculinity, like going to doctors and therapists less than women because it isn't seen as a necessity. She also asserts that experiences of masculinity are different depending on nationality, race, ability, sexuality, and economic class. As the book is very research-heavy, she rarely tells anything about her personal life or her personal research, but when she does, it is intensely meaningful and connected to the overall theme of the book.

This book means so much to me and I'm so happy I got the chance to read the uncorrected version before publication. As a transgender man who has recently come out, I feel like this book has given me such a comprehensive look into masculinity in ways I never would have been able to get on my own, with suggestions for change too. I almost prefer that it was written by a woman because she has absolutely no biases, unless you consider "men should be allowed to be who they truly are" a bias. I also really appreciated and loved the fact that one of her interview chapters was from a transgender man. I felt very represented by that and here's my "thank you" to Liz Plank for giving so many different representations of masculinity a shout-out!

All in all, you need to read this book. If you have ever wondered anything about masculinity, you need to read this book. If you are a man, woman, child, or anywhere in between, you need to read this book. When it releases, I'm going to buy my own copy. I suggest you do the same and be ready to mark it up with highlighters and sticky notes. ...more

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Dec 25, 2019 Rosa Kwak rated it liked it

Shelves: feminism, education, masculinity

conversations around masculinity are pivotal in our efforts to imagine a radical & transformative world. and with this book, liz plank gives us a fascinating, data-driven, anecdotal, and expansive account for why that is.

mainly written for men, i thought this book did a strong deep dive into the harmful ways that masculinity is misdirected towards violence and death (patriarchy is literally killing men and women!)

while so many conversations that i've had about feminism and gender center ...more

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Jan 18, 2020 Sandra rated it it was amazing

Recommended to Sandra by: Caroline

Shelves: non-fiction, 5-stars, 2020

Toxic masculinity is not only hurting women. It is also harming men. In the same way gender equality doesn't benefit only women, but also men. Th search for gender equality seen as a war between men and women is a consequence of a noxious concept of what being a man means we all grow up with. Is not about women conquering spaces that belong to men, but the new spaces we all win over. Gender equality should be understood as a war against the harmful notions and expectations that wound us all.

This ...more

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Aug 12, 2019 Scott Shjefte rated it it was ok

No love for Men or the Human race in this book. Gives an overwhelming set of some valid but also much somewhat suspect and biased data about how everything male is just so darn horrible. There is no understanding that the survival of the species has required aggressive male behavior, the Universe may not be out to get us but we will not survive long if we act like it is all honey and roses. The book gives no room for any hope or true path forward for men to be worthwhile. One key example is on ...more

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Dec 07, 2019 John added it

Plank overreaches. This unfortunately is not a good book.

— She is a woman trying to understand the experience of men, but this will never happen, just as men will never understand the experience of women. Swimming in her inflated sense of understanding, she advises men on how better to be men. The nobler, respectful, and compassionate approach is to acknowledge that despite our many unifying similarities, there are a small number of critical differences between men and women. These differences Plank overreaches. This unfortunately is not a good book.

— She is a woman trying to understand the experience of men, but this will never happen, just as men will never understand the experience of women. Swimming in her inflated sense of understanding, she advises men on how better to be men. The nobler, respectful, and compassionate approach is to acknowledge that despite our many unifying similarities, there are a small number of critical differences between men and women. These differences should be accepted as natural and celebrated as we delight in how they strengthen us together and complement each other. As I read her book, I never felt seen, acknowledged, or felt my experience as a man to be validated, to say nothing of how my manhood could be celebrated. I don't seek this from women in general, but Plank aims for these things and fails. (Contrast this with Alison Armstrong, who I mention below.) Plank just doesn't get that it's not hers to understand. But she tries to write as if she does, and as if cherry-picked academic research justifies her stance.

— Example: pg 125 to 126, the urinal etiquette discussion. She cites how very different and even opposite the conventions are among the men she polled on urinal etiquette, but in the same breath writes, "The most fascinating part was that no one had explicitely [sic] taught them these rules, but transgressing them came at great cost." Different individuals behaving according to mutually incompatible norms but also calling these norms "rules" is oxymoronic, because rules by definition do not allow for the arbitrariness her polling returned. Logical fallacies like this are the result of contorting her female perspective into a Klein bottle to try and understand men. Not gonna happen. Ms. Plank, you're overreaching.

— Pg 219: "Feminism is the antidote to shorter male life expectancy, not the cause of it." Pg 247: "...women's empowerment may protect men from economic shocks." Again, men are not truly seen or heard, because she views men's situation through feminism instead of as we men are. I wonder, does she believe women should take notes from men on how women's lives can improve through the antidote of masculism? How strange that a book ostensibly about the male predicament and how to ameliorate it takes frank feminism as the path. In apparent self-contradiction, she states on pg 290, "In other words, masculinity is not the problem, it's the solution."

— In general, journalists like Plank commit the sin of pretending to be subject-matter experts and then write books. She repeatedly refers to her "research," but true research is done by those who (1) make a unique and novel contribution to a field and (2) nearly always are widely recognized as experts in that field. She fails at both, and her credentials are consistent with this: an undergraduate degree in international development, a masters in gender studies, and a career as a journalist, not a researcher.

— I appreciate sarcasm as a rhetorical device, but throughout the book her tone in its tiresomely copious use is that of complaining. Complaining at root is a form of indulging in one's victimhood. I'm not interested in books ostensibly about "a new vision for mindful masculinity" or even mutually beneficial empowerment that instead play games of "I'm the real victim here.” Example, pg 232: "Sobriety also became associated with femininity, as men who didn't drink or didn't drink enough would be called mokraia kuritsa ('wet hens'), which is especially relevant because of the super non-sexist Russian proverb 'A chicken is not a bird, and a woman is not a person.'" There are enough examples to make me wonder if her intention is to drum up sympathy for her being a woman...in a book about helping men?

— She awkwardly weaves ethnicity and race into the discussion of what it's like to be a man, detracting from the core topic.

My suggestions are two. (1) Read "Self-Made Man: One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man" by Norah Vincent for something insightful, entertaining, and above all, validating of men's experience as we are. Vincent dressed and acted like a man for a year and a half, fooling everybody with her fake stubble and voice lessons. She joined a men-only bowling club, spent days in a Catholic monastery, dated women, joined a masculine dominated company, and participated in a men-only weekend retreat. Not a groundbreaking work, but quite good. (2) Never in my life have I heard a woman so accurately describe what it's like to be a man than Alison Armstrong. She's incredibly validating for me as a man because she simply assesses our inner workings accurately, and impressively so since her material is often delivered with a female audience in mind, not male. Geared for co-creating harmonious relationships between men and women, she is a self-made expert who relies on experience and first-hand observation while helping people for years to get actual results. So pragmatic. I have listened to four of her audio books and highly recommend all of them. ...more

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May 20, 2019 Tucker marked it as not-released-tbr

Shelves: reviewed

this is an amazing topic that i am excited to see covered.

this will be a five star read

or

a one star read

we will just have to wait and see

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Jan 06, 2020 Ben Babcock rated it it was amazing

Shelves: own, favourites, non-fiction, culture, feminism, 2019-read

I received this book as a gift from a friend who shares my interest in feminism. She found For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity somewhat revelatory. Like me, she had already begun thinking about masculinity (we had both watched The Mask You Live In). But she said that Liz Plank presented ideas in a way that helped her better understand this experience that is, as a cis woman, very different from her own. Obviously I’m approaching the book from a slightly different angle but ...more

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Dec 28, 2019 Holly Hillard rated it it was amazing

I think this might be one of the most important books I read this year. I’m sure everyone has experienced some version of the belief that “liberals” or “feminists” are trying to take away masculinity. Or that we are trying to feminize men. The phrase “toxic masculinity” has become one of those things that shuts down conversations. Well, everyone needs to read this book. Her examination of masculinity- what it is and what it isn’t- and the problems that men face was fascinating and thought ...more

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Feb 02, 2020 Jim Angstadt rated it really liked it

Shelves: 2020

For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity
Liz Plank

This seems like an important discussion on how men can change and adapt to a better, broader understanding of who or what we want to become. Sex is what we are born with; gender is what/who we are.

I had a hard time mentally unifying the diverse elements the author presented, all in the name of mindful masculinity.

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Feb 02, 2020 Ekansh Gupta rated it really liked it

"We're more comfortable seeing a young boy play with a toy gun than a toy doll"
This book makes the case that men tend to do better in more feminist societies and how traditional gender roles are harming men as well. The book talks in a straightforward fashion, cites numerous studies and throws shade at Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro and other alt-right figures who have made claims in the past that a lack of traditional gender roles is emasculating young men and contributing to their misery. Liz ...more

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Feb 11, 2020 Becca rated it it was amazing

A great way to dip your toes in if you’re just getting into the topics of gender equality, toxic masculinity, gender roles, and feminism. The author provides mounds of research to educate those who read this book. Should be required reading for everyone!

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Jan 06, 2020 Laila (BigReadingLife) rated it it was ok

Shelves: non-fiction, 2019-release, read-in-2020

I picked this up because I heard and enjoyed an interview with Plank on Sam Sanders’s It’s Been a Minute podcast. Sadly, this book disappointed. The premise is great. We definitely do a disservice to all of us by how we raise and socialize men in America. This plays out in so many ways. If we encouraged boys and men to freely feel and express a range of emotions we would probably have much less violence in our society, for example. And I do like her attention to race and lgbtq experiences. But ...more

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Nov 02, 2019 Elaine rated it did not like it

Shelves: nonfiction, 2019

I have spent my entire life around men: 5 brothers, senior leadership positions for over 20 years where I was the only female in the room. I thought that this experience meant that I understood men. I had read all about venus and mars, studied male-driven cultures, learned to golf and to talk trash about football.

But, only raising a son allowed me to see that I knew very little, and that what I knew might be very wrong. Therefore, I have greatly valued those books that allowed me to rip away my ...more

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Oct 04, 2019 Mehrsa rated it liked it

I read the history of misogyny a while back and it was written by a man and he explained that it was fitting for a man to write that history because they invented it. So I was willing to go along with Plank on masculinity, but there really is nothing new or insightful in here. I agree with the thesis that the rigid notions of masculinity are hurting men and we should change them, but that seems like an empty notion. How to change? What to replace them with? I have ideas about these things, but I ...more

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Jul 06, 2019 Barred Owl Books rated it it was amazing

“Liz Plank is leading a vital debate about gender, power and feminism in a style that opens wider dialogue and reaches beyond the politically converted. She also shows it's entirely possible to have fun while tackling challenges like gender norms and cultural repression. Liz has established herself as a leader and an expert in the field of gender politics -- all without conforming to some of the old rules about what it means to be an expert. Whether you find yourself nodding in agreement or “Liz Plank is leading a vital debate about gender, power and feminism in a style that opens wider dialogue and reaches beyond the politically converted. She also shows it's entirely possible to have fun while tackling challenges like gender norms and cultural repression. Liz has established herself as a leader and an expert in the field of gender politics -- all without conforming to some of the old rules about what it means to be an expert. Whether you find yourself nodding in agreement or laughing in exasperation, you will always learn something when engaging with Liz's ideas, which is why we call on her so often on air.”―Ari Melber, Host of The Beat with AriMelber on MSNBC

"Over the last decade or so, I've liked to tell anyone who will listen that biggest problem facing America is the scourge of testosterone poisoning. The thing is, I'm not really joking. And as Liz Plank demonstrates in her extremely timely new book For the Love of Men, toxic masculinity threatens the well-being not just of the women and children around them, but men themselves. Has it gotten worse? I don't know. Maybe I'm just noticing it a lot more. But what I DO know is that as Plank puts it, the "crisis in masculinity is not just about boys, it's about all of us." We need a new model of maleness. This book is a great place to start."―Anna Holmes, founder of Jezebel

“For anyone who cares about the future of men and boys―and that means anyone, male or female, who cares about the future of the culture and the country―For the Love of Men is an essential read. With her signature blend of optimism, humor, curiosity, and compassion, Liz Plank takes on the topic of toxic masculinity and points the way towards the detox we so urgently need. When Liz talks, I listen, and so should you.”―John Heilemann, co-host of Showtimes’ The Circus, national affair analyst for MSNBC, and co-author of Game Change and Double Down

“If there was ever a woman who could write thoughtfully about how to be a man, it’s Liz Plank. With sensitivity, insight and a healthy dose of rage, Liz takes on the subject of systemic toxic masculinity. She is well known as a champion to the disenfranchised, to bring the issues of the marginalized to the forefront of discussion. This book is no different. By tackling the source of gender inequality, Liz forces us to open our eyes to invisible biases and how we can start to think about them differently. I believe she gives men (and women really) a path forward to be both different yet equal; a way to raise a new, more evolved breed of man and gives permission to women to accept nothing less.”―Stacy London, New York Times bestselling author of The Truth About Style ...more

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Feb 05, 2020 Tracy rated it really liked it

This is one of the most important books for our society today. We all need to be more mindful and compassionate as a whole.

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Sep 10, 2019 Ben rated it liked it

Shelves: nonfiction, netgalley

Thanks to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for an ARC.

I was really excited by the description and topic of this book, and think it's absolutely something we need more discussion about. And yet I was disappointed with the execution of this. There's a lot of good points here, but it's written in a very dense style that's a little more academic and less pragmatic than I had wanted. There's plenty of great interviews here with a variety of different perspectives on modern masculinity, but also one ...more

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Sep 26, 2019 Jeff Shackelford rated it it was amazing

For the most part, I’ve done a pretty good job evolving past some the negative thoughts, words, or phrases that plague men today. However, I wanted to read this book to give me a better understanding of why I am struggling to make strong connections with other men, even as I’ve worked to reach out over the last five plus years. After reading Liz’s book, my struggle largely makes sense. The foundation for some of these reasons are centuries old, but many come from recent history (100-150 years). ...more

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Jul 01, 2019 Kamil rated it really liked it

thanks for this advanced copy goodreads!

very thorough, much informative and eye-opening even when you already know about most stuff discussed in this book: from parental leave to social norms, abuse etc.

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Sep 22, 2019 Katie Heugel rated it liked it

Liz brings up a lot of good points, but the book sounded sort of preachy. While her theories definitely seem like they have some standing, they can't necessarily be generalized across all men. Overall, an interesting read, but you need to take it with a grain of salt.

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Sep 15, 2019 Chris Ringeisen rated it really liked it

Shelves: 2019

This book is two things.

1. A non-fiction treatise on Toxic Masculinity and prescriptive, idealized, traditionally stereotypical and performative ways Men unhealthily navigate a changing world.

2. An Pop-feminism introduction to Gender Equality and Feminism as a means to that end, even for men.

As a male feminist I'm left wondering who this book is for. Women who think #allmenaretrash? Men who prefer to identify as "egalitarians" unironically or any Men's Rights sub-culture?

I certainly found the This book is two things.

1. A non-fiction treatise on Toxic Masculinity and prescriptive, idealized, traditionally stereotypical and performative ways Men unhealthily navigate a changing world.

2. An Pop-feminism introduction to Gender Equality and Feminism as a means to that end, even for men.

As a male feminist I'm left wondering who this book is for. Women who think #allmenaretrash? Men who prefer to identify as "egalitarians" unironically or any Men's Rights sub-culture?

I certainly found the book rewarding, Liz does a fantastic job framing the issues, the lies, myths and hypocrisy involved, and is ultimately correct in her diagnosis.

But as a book that has so many countless pages dedicated to men there are moments where she digresses from men's issues into more general progressive politics or into a female-centric perspective which leaves the most critical of readers a sneaking suspicion that she sees the empowerment of women and feminism as a primary and gendered project. Where men are taught to aid in that effort, eschewing toxic masculinity for more "feminine" traits, and becoming better men as a sort of positive collateral.

The book begins with a mantra for Gender Equality and non-prescriptive conformity in gender roles but ends up bucking the more neutral framing by the conclusion of the book for a gender binary coded one. A gender binary that isn't opposing poles, but one that is linked and influenced by another - both oppressed by a patriarchy that feminism is so equipped to handle.

"I strongly believe in a world that goes beyond gender. But we must first name the system if we are to break free from it."

Liz Plank, ultimately does not reach this destination within the course of its volume. And to see the conclusion embrace the dichotomy of gender is a little disappointing considering so much concern of the book is centered around Intersectionality.

Still, it’s quite an easy book to read despite the 100 or so studies mentioned within, and has done the discourse, and men, a great service by hopefully creating bridges to men from feminism for the solution the their own ills. It stands as a great accomplishment and a foundation read for conscious male identity. ...more

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Jul 09, 2019 Sherrie rated it really liked it

Shelves: owned-books, first-reads-winners

***I won this book in a Goodreads Giveaway***

Aaah, gender. Perhaps the only topic that gets people as riled up as politics and religion.

This book looks at the effect the modern world has on men and how traditional masculinity is really failing at giving them ways to deal. It touches on everything from parenting to religious extremism to navigating the workplace when women are around. Each chapter was well researched from a variety of sources: neuroscience, political polls, sociological ...more

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Oct 06, 2019 Steph rated it really liked it

This book opens up a conversation that is necessary in today’s world. The author dives into how the concept of “being a man” has been preset by societal constructions and expectations that hurt not only men, but women and children as well. Through detailed studies, stories, and guest self reflection, she proves how deeply engrained some dangerous expectations about men can be. She encourages her readers to think about alternative ways to raise boys, have men interact with their partners, and ...more

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Sep 03, 2019 Genevieve Trono rated it really liked it

This title caught my eye right away and read I read the book description I knew I needed to read it. I am the mother of two boys and the topic of "men" is certainly on my mind. Having grown up in a household of women, there have been many surprises along the way of parenting boys. One of the biggest one of all is how much society's expectations play into what we think men "should" be like, starting from birth. Plank shares research on the physical, mental, and emotional harm that impacts men ...more

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Dec 28, 2019 Joseph Young rated it really liked it

Fantastic book. Liz Plank tackles the rising problem of 'toxic masculinity', or the negative expectations of men and the consequences they face when they do not conform to the stereotype. I absolutely loved the coining of 'Masculine Panic Warrior' to talk about commentators constantly pushing for going backwards, without looking at the consequence. Plank lambasts the fear and short sightedness these commentators advocate for and the suffering that results. I appreciate that this brand of ...more

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Jul 17, 2019 Chad Guarino rated it really liked it

Shelves: netgalley

For the Love of Men is a timely review of what is a hot button issue in our political landscape: gender and toxic masculinity. While this is a book that men and woman of all ages would benefit from reading, due to the divisive nature of these topics in our country, it'll be unfortunately ignored by a decent amount of people (including some of the very people a little more mindfulness could really work for).

Liz Plank's arguments about masculinity and the expectations we put on men as a culture ...more

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Feb 03, 2020 Mary Elisabeth Tharin rated it it was amazing

This book should be required reading for everyone. The harm that culturally-imposed masculinity norms cause to men and women alike is rarely discussed, and the fact that Liz Plank was willing to take on this topic had me on board from page one. But it is a big task to challenge gender stereotypes that are engrained so deeply in our society that we often don't even see them.

Plank masters this task beautifully, offering her thesis that society imposes expectations on men that damage them in a ...more

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Oct 23, 2019 Daeus rated it it was amazing

Shelves: other-nonfiction, audio-books

I'm so glad this book was written. It explains so much about experiences I thought were unique to me but are apparently common male experiences (ex social isolation). I wish I had read this when I was younger. I want to share it with all the other men in my life.

Quotes:
- "...the very act of interrogating the expectations of masculinity violated it. The whole idea of masculinity is not failing at it. He described it as a shame loop, where the feeling of having failed begets overcompensation ...more

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Oct 04, 2019 Mindy rated it it was amazing

I knew I would like this book, because I really enjoy following Liz Plank on Instagram, but I didn't expect to be as blown away by it as I was. Such a fantastic read! Engaging, thought-provoking, and well-researched, this book challenges the way you've thought about men and masculinity. What struck me most about the book, though, was how genuinely her love for men as human beings comes through in every chapter. While she doesn't give anyone a pass for bad behavior, she digs down to the root ...more

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