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We Don't Talk About It. Ever.: Secrets. Sins. Sex. Salvation.

Desiree-Anne Martin (Goodreads Author)

4.72 · Rating details · 72 ratings · 30 reviews

In 1980's Apartheid Cape Town, five-year-old Desiree-Anne is grappling with how she is going to turn her tar baby doll's skin into lily-white. She doesn't know how to force her father to stop drinking or gambling or make her mother love her or get the boys and men to stop touching her in secret. She learns how to soothe the pain through secret masturbation and lying.

As she ...more

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Paperback, 1st, 234 pages

Published August 1st 2018 by MF Books Jhb

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Aug 11, 2018 Penny Haw rated it really liked it

Desiree-Anne Martin concludes the acknowledgements pages at the end of her recently released memoir, We Don’t Talk About It. Ever with the words, “And to all the hurt little – and grown-up – girls, this story is for you. There is always hope. Always.”

Indeed, as I read the approximately 260 preceding pages, I frequently wondered if there was any hope for the author.

Martin was raised in a middle-class Cape Town family by a drinking, gambling and sometimes unfaithful father and a distant mother. T Desiree-Anne Martin concludes the acknowledgements pages at the end of her recently released memoir, We Don’t Talk About It. Ever with the words, “And to all the hurt little – and grown-up – girls, this story is for you. There is always hope. Always.”

Indeed, as I read the approximately 260 preceding pages, I frequently wondered if there was any hope for the author.

Martin was raised in a middle-class Cape Town family by a drinking, gambling and sometimes unfaithful father and a distant mother. The latter prioritised the unruly state of Martin’s hair and the needs of her more delicate son above those of her intelligent and competitive but remarkably temperamental daughter. As a result, Martin learned how to fight her own battles – manipulating and lying whenever necessary, and sometimes just…because – from a young age. Ravenous for attention and affection, she channelled her fledgling acting talent and her extraordinary intuition to deceive, mislead and demand applause.

What followed was a whirlwind youth characterised by addiction, body dysmorphic disorder (she consumed diet pills in a desperate attempt to achieve a ‘thigh gap’ before she believed she was fit to have sex), depression, anxiety, crime, obsession, infidelities, miscarriages and divorce. Several attempts at salvaging her life failed and, interestingly, the one person who stood by her – albeit with ebbing tolerance – was aforementioned distant mother.

Martin’s story – ‘a book doesn’t write itself; a life writes a book,’ she says – is intense, disturbing and moving. There are, it seems, few risks she isn’t reckless enough to try, and when addiction takes hold, the danger escalates. But nothing she undertakes changes the fact that she is a strong, clever woman and, when she finally commits to recovery, it’s her strength and intelligence that triumph.

We Don’t Talk About It. Ever is a tightly written, pacey read. I demolished it in two days. Martin writes skilfully, and with energy and humour. It’s a quality memoir, which, as Martin writes, proves, “There is always hope. Always.”
...more

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Sep 01, 2018 Cathy Kelly rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Desiree-Anne Martin's memoir is written so engagingly and vividly that I devoured this book in two days. It's the story of a downhill slide into addiction and darkness, followed by a hard earned transformation that is quite frustratingly un-movie-like. It's messy, it's one step forward, two steps back, but she keeps you with her all the way because of her unflinching honesty and evocative writing. Looking forward to more from this SA writer. ...more

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Sep 19, 2018 Magda linga rated it really liked it

I couldn’t put this book down. The story is moving and I’m sure a lot of people, not necessarily with the same experiences, can relate to it. So many of us have holes in our souls or what feels like it.
I really like the style. It’s both poetic and real, definitely not sentimental.
I also really admire the author’s courage to speak up.
I wish some topics were explored more and maybe the whole book could have been structured a bit better. All in all, a great, engaging read.

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Aug 11, 2018 Lloyd Christensen rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Riveting, visceral, poetic in place. A beautifully-written and honest account. A must-read.

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Nov 11, 2018 Margot Summerfield rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I could not put this book down. Desiree-Anne is an amazing storyteller. A breathtaking story that had me in tears one moment and laughing out loud the next.

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Jul 23, 2020 Cheraé rated it really liked it

The book title alone activates a common experience that comes along with growing up in a coloured home. In subtle detail, Desiree-Anne describes the spiraling effects a culture of silence has on how one navigates self and self in the world. The content can be triggering at times, but only due to the honesty and confrontational energy with which the author writes the facts of her reality. I travelled with Desiree-Anne right to the end, and I came out feeling relieved for her hurt little girl and ...more

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Sep 27, 2018 Emma-Jane Truter rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This was the most phenomenally written book. I cried and laughed with her. I felt everything she so vividly described. I absolutely felt her pain and her journey through her writing. Mesmerized and I couldn’t put it down. She hit the nail of mental health and addiction on the head and her bravery is a force to be reckoned with!

JUST WOW.

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Oct 17, 2020 Telana rated it really liked it

This is honest, this is not A-Million-Little-Pieces-sensationalized-drug-to-rehab-story. There’s no extra spice or fabrication. This is Desiree’s real life story and I was hooked. I think it’s because Desiree isn’t asking you or wanting you to like her, through out the book she’s just telling it as it is and she isn’t asking the reader to sympathize nor empathize with her - there are no excuses...she IS flawed just like all of us. She’s just one of the few honest ones who can write it down, try ...more

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Nov 19, 2018 Elite Group rated it it was amazing

Heroin addiction – the brutal reality of becoming addicted.

Desiree-Anne Martin (Dezzy) was an “unplanned mistake” for her mother. She was born two months premature. She was a lively inquisitive child with the unruly hair associated with her colour. Her mother could have passed as “white” in terms of “colour” in apartheid South Africa. Her father, like her, was darker, with more “black” features, like build and coarse hair. Her mother made it clear from the beginning that Desiree-Anne’s brother, Heroin addiction – the brutal reality of becoming addicted.

Desiree-Anne Martin (Dezzy) was an “unplanned mistake” for her mother. She was born two months premature. She was a lively inquisitive child with the unruly hair associated with her colour. Her mother could have passed as “white” in terms of “colour” in apartheid South Africa. Her father, like her, was darker, with more “black” features, like build and coarse hair. Her mother made it clear from the beginning that Desiree-Anne’s brother, closer in colour and far less boisterous, was her favourite child and being sensitive, she felt this rejection even as a tiny child.

Not only was she sexually abused by members of her large family but she suffered mental and verbal abuse at the hands of her mother. She insisted that Desiree-Anne “apply thick, white sunscreen because she hated it when I burned black in summer. She was vocal in her disapproval of my skin tone darkening. It made me, she said, look like a kaffir child”. The pain this sort of remark must have made on this already damaged child must have been truly unbearable.

Dezzy’s parents had a tumultuous marriage, with lots of shouting and things being hurled in anger mainly because of her father’s drinking. He would try to defend her from her mother’s abusive behaviour but wasn’t always around to help.

Her first addiction was slimming tablets. She attended Abbotts College to study for her matric. She was thrust into the co-ed world and all the taunts she got about her hair, and weight tipped her over the edge, and she began taking slimming tablets. Drinking was readily available at the parties she attended. So was cocaine. This led to trying ecstasy, weed, LSD and finally the most potent drug, heroin. Her drug addiction would take her to places which make hell sound like a good place. It took years to get clean. It also took years of psychological help and antidepressants for her to stabilise her manic mental health finally. She has now been clean for thirteen years. Has two beautiful daughters and a loving, stable marriage.

This is just my brief summary of her life. Dezzy had to reach the depths of hell before she got clean. Manic depression, abortion, rape, hidden abuse, overdoses and close death experiences, being just a few. I often think that some people are just meant to live. Dezzy is one of these special people who must go through crises that would kill a lesser person, but somehow, they survive so that they can not only tell their story but also in telling their story, they can, in turn, save others.

I can’t say that I enjoyed reading this book because it is honestly looking at a depth of depravity. However, I’m glad I’ve read it. There are some areas where even I could relate to. I suppose that I must say that it’s only thanks to good luck that I didn’t ever get into drugs. I remember how hard it was to give up smoking, so having to get clean from a cocktail of addictions, particularly heroin, must take more courage than I think I could ever find within myself.

Imbali

Breakaway Reviewers received a copy of the book to review.
...more

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Jan 10, 2019 Nel Prinsloo rated it it was amazing

When I read the first sentence of this book, I thought: “Wow.”
As I continued reading, I understood that the craftsmanship that went into the authoring of the book was akin to that of a master painter lovingly creating a beautiful masterpiece. Each sentence was weighed, polished, perfected, and then carefully added to the whole. The subject matter of the book is compelling, but I’ll get to that. The prose is a delight for the reader who appreciates the work of an author who is a master at her cra ...more

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Oct 01, 2020 Donna rated it it was amazing

I just finished this book last night!
I would’ve finished it in a night if I had the time, but I also needed to curb my anxiety as I read 𝙤𝙪𝙧 story as you perfectly put it Desiree-Anne. Wow @believe.more.deeply All I can say is this book is an absolute work of pure artistic perfection! SO well written. I couldn’t put it down because I just wanted to know wtf happens next but also because u were literally talking about me! Ur story a bit more extreme in the latter part of ur active addiction, but ...more

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Nov 22, 2018 Simone rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I had first heard about this book from a local radio presenter who raved about being unable to put the book down, I knew then I just HAD to read it, but when I had read the description of the book, I was scared. I was scared my reserved, never-done-a-drug-in-my-life-self would not be able to handle the brutality of this book. I decided to put my big girl blouse on and dove into this book and as the presenter testified, I too struggled to put this book down.
Brutal (man, so brutal), honest (cringe ...more

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Jan 11, 2020 Adam Armstrong rated it it was amazing

This is one of the bravest, most honest books I have ever read. The author possesses a number of unique traits, she has survived trauma and addiction and betrayal, she is also able to write eloquently and poetically. It is confusing because at times she is describing a tragic or painful moment, but does so in beautiful and flowing prose.

The book is a memoir, primarily a chronological history of the author's life and her battles with addictions (of various forms), but it is more than a harrowing ...more

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Nov 19, 2018 Leanne added it

Unputdownable!

Desiree’s raw honesty and vulnerability will leave you hurting, crying, and laughing. You will feel despair and pain. But mostly, you will leave her book with such hope; hope for yourself if you are suffering through addiction, and hope for your loved ones if you are watching them suffer. Desiree’s words are a gift, pulling emotions from our gut and filling our hearts with light.

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Aug 11, 2018 Tracey Longstaff rated it it was amazing

Fuck me!!! Could not put this book down until I had finished!!!

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Aug 11, 2018 Lloyd Christensen rated it it was amazing

Riveting, visceral, poetic in place. A beautifully-written and honest account. A must-read.

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Aug 17, 2020 Helena Davids rated it it was amazing

This book had me captured! I had to tear myself away from it when having to perform necessary, mundane chores. I loved the short chapters, which suits my distracted, ADHD mind. I read every word, every page, from cover to cover! I didn’t want it to end…

Raw, real, captivating, articulate, eloquent, descriptive and brutality honest comes to mind – and the transformation in the end so beautiful!

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Feb 04, 2020 Hedi Lampert rated it it was amazing

Secrets, lies, deceit and sexual abuse shape the author's first decade, and then we follow her on a terrifying downward spiral into addiction starting with alcohol and progressing to heroin. Crime, imprisonment, prostitution and more heroin become the cornerstones of the author's day-to-day existence. Yet, this is a story of hope and astonishing courage – a true hero's journey of transformation.
Desiree Martin writes with a combination of lyrical beauty and the brutality of a punch in the gut.
I ...more

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Aug 12, 2018 Farahnaaz rated it it was amazing

This book has made me laugh, cry and sigh. Gut-wrenching truths about life.

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Feb 06, 2020 Jenny Hill rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Awesome book Desiree -Anne Martin

I loved your book. It broke my heart and at the same time restored my faith in sobriety. Your story could have been my story. Thank you for your honesty and your beautiful book.

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Jan 03, 2019 Ashlee Kaye rated it it was amazing

I read this book in 4 hours.
Everything else in the world faded away as I devoured every last word.
Beautifully written, heart wrenching and I cannot stop recommending it to all my friends.
Made me think of things I never speak about and how I approach my own addictive tendencies.
Thank You for writing this.

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Oct 14, 2020 Amy Daneel rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This memoir serves as a voice of its time.

A testament that addition & ill mental health is not a failure of character, but rather a byproduct of the insidious PTSD that is rife amongst us & constantly denied.

This is a story of hope and resilience that I could not put down.

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Apr 13, 2019 Gail Gilbride Bohle rated it really liked it

1980’s Cape Town and the colour of her skin is already an issue for five year old Desiree-Anne.
The child is unhappy with her doll’s darkness and wants to make her white. She has already internalized that Whites are ‘better’ than everyone else. Her father drinks and gambles. Men touch her inappropriately and her mother’s love is hard to come by. Martin finds her own ways of replacing the love so sorely lacking and at every Scripture Union camp she gives her heart to Jesus.

The unwritten rules i ...more

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Jun 11, 2020 Craizy Daisy rated it really liked it

This biography isn't for the faint-hearted; it's an alarmingly honest account of a life that seemingly unraveled, as the result of substance abuse. Although it was clear, to me, that Martin's father was an addict (gambling, alcohol and infidelity) and that his behaviour and habits adversely affected his relationships, specifically with this enabling, powerless, codependent wife and children, and even though I could identify with much in her upbringing, Martin's descent into the depths of addicti ...more

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Aug 20, 2018 Travisto Ja rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Brave, tactile, unapologetic, epic.

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Dec 13, 2019 Karina Szczurek rated it it was amazing

I don't often read books about addiction, but I am very glad I did read Martin's brave memoir. It takes guts to write one's own story with such unflinching honesty, to go to all those dark places and emerge with hope and beauty. I often thought about the Ann Voskamp quote while reading: "Shame dies when stories are told in safe places." Indeed. And, if we are lucky, there is truth and healing and a brighter future. ...more

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Sep 24, 2018 Munira rated it it was amazing

Raw and authentic. I don't think a book has ever moved me this much. A page turner but I've had to stop and take a moment after every chapter to process what I've just read.
I may not be able to relate to drug addiction but there's so many aspects of the story I can relate to.
"And to all the hurt little - and grown up - girls, this story is for you. There is always hope. Always" ...more

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Jul 04, 2019 Claire Kingan-Jones rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Unbelievably beautiful & brutal

Stunningly crafted memoir - this is an entertaining and inspiring ‘white knuckled ride’ - written with courage and honesty.....couldn’t put it down!

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Dec 26, 2020 Ahren Adams rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

What a beautiful read...

I finished this book in 2 days. Could not put it down. WOW! Refreshingly honest and beautifully written. What an inspiration the author is. I felt like i was right there on her journey with her. Just simple, AMAZING!

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Jan 24, 2019 Tessa Walters rated it it was amazing

Absolutely brilliant!

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About Desiree-Anne Martin

Desiree-Anne Martin

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I am a published poet, addictions counsellor, post-graduate student, full-time wife and mother and part-time warrior woman. I am a recovering addict and believe that caffeine, cigarettes, chocolate and bacon are the four major food groups.