Checkerboard Pattern

by Mimi Rhine

„I just don’t know how to let you go, when you’re the first person I’ve ever really wanted to hold on to.“
„I don’t know how to let you go, when you‘re the first person who really wants to hold me.“

Nika
There are many words you could use to describe hot, wild, sexy, loud, cheeky, demanding, engaging. For me, there is only broken. But nobody sees that, or maybe nobody wants to see it. My anxiety disorder has me and my life firmly in its grip, the vacation on Île de Saint-Émile my last hope of finally being myself again. Whatever that means. Because when I lose myself in Élias’s brown eyes, I discover feelings inside myself that are so foreign, yet make me feel so safe.

Élias
If you’ve never had a girlfriend at the age of eighteen, there’s a reason for that. You’re either ugly or weird. I’m ugly. Girls don‘t even look at me. That’s why I don’t understand what Nika wants from me. Nika, who turns all the boys‘ heads on Île de Saint-Émile. Nika, who looks me in the eye, laughs with me and strokes my cheek with her thumb. Nika, who is nothing like she seems, but who so quickly becomes my everything.


One summer.
A broken girl and a lonely boy.
For Nika, perhaps the last chance of finding a way back to who she really is. For Élias, the first chance to be seen, to be touched, to be kissed. Île de Saint-Émile offers a chance for Nika to break free from her anxiety and for Élias to believe that he can be beautiful through the eyes of another.
As summer comes to an end, a promise is made. A promise that is more likely to be swallowed by the sea than to be kept. One year to find a way back to Île de Saint-Émile.
One year.


Trigger WarningsAnxiety disorder with detailed description of severe panic attacks, Eating disorder/disordered eating behavior, Massively reduced self-esteem, self-doubt, Bullying, Explicit description of physical abuse and the experience of it

299 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 7, 2024

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an emotional and touching story. It brought tears to my eyes--in a good way. Elias and Nika meet one summer while camping with friends. Elias has some pretty severe self-image issues that are not at all helped by how his "friends" treat him (with the exception of his best friend). Nika, who is beautiful and a bit aloof deals with anxiety and a past trauma. And even though all of their friends expect Nika to be drawn to just about anyone else, it is Elias whose quiet, calm, and unassuming presence calls to her. Though he struggles to believe that she could really be attracted to him, Elias is able to see the real Nika, which she needs more than the fawning and preening of the other guys. Over two weeks these two build a strong bond, but Elias is starting college in France, and Nika has one more year of high school in Germany. They are both distraught at having to leave the other behind, so their friends come up with an unorthodox plan to help them see if what they have is built to last.

Though it is not something I have experienced myself, the depiction of Nika's anxiety feels very authentic. As do her issues and what she's done to cope with those issues. I love how accepting Elias is of Nika--helping her to start to let go of some of the trauma by being so unconditional in his affection. Likewise Nika's patience and understanding of Elias's self-esteem issues is nicely handled. These two have a very sweet and deep connection.

One of my favorite things about this book is the double epilogue. I love when authors let us see far into the future of the couple. It just warms my heart!

[Taylor Dawicke · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just love Mimi Rhine’s writing style. Immediately I’m pulled into the story. Nika and Élias are such great characters, broken in their own ways, it just makes you want everything to turn out great for them. I really enjoyed this book and read it in 2 sittings. I couldn’t put it down. I will read everything Mimi publishes! I’m hooked.

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Checkerboard Pattern is a beautiful coming of age love story between Nika and Elias. Their insecurities, mental health struggles and the intensity of their love was written so well. I felt like I was their age, in their friend group, going through everything with them. This book was so unique - I loved that the MMC Elias was the inexperienced one, who felt insecure and awkward. While Nika was beautiful, her struggles with anxiety made it difficult for her to form secure relationships. Somehow two people who felt so unlovable were able to find solace in each other. As the reader, I felt a part of their journey. All I wanted for them was a happily ever after and the author delivered on that big time. Thank you so much Mimi Rhine for an ARC of this book. I loved it and look forward to reading more from you in the future.

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my. This book reminds you of the innocence of youth. And the wildness of it too. If you’re older than 30, be prepared for the nostalgia as you reflect on your 18 year old self - how beautiful young love is, how seriously we took things but also how reckless we used to be.
Nika and Elias meet while vacationing in Île de Saint-Émile. They spend two weeks together and fall deeply in love (ah, young love!) They learn about each other’s insecurities and fears. Mental illness rep here is so good. I’ve felt the way Nika felt. I understood Elias’s thoughts about himself - I’ve had those thought of being unworthy too.
I loved seeing the story span the number of years that it did. The ending warmed my heart. Their story came full circle and we got to see a true and beautiful HEA. I truly loved this book.

[A.E. Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review to come