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Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

4.25  ·  Rating details ·  374 ratings  ·  41 reviews
Protect Yourself from Manipulation, False Accusations, and Abuse

Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. When your spouse has borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or is manipulative, divorcing can be especially complicated. While people with these tendencies may initially appear convincing and even charming to lawyer
Paperback, 292 pages
Published July 1st 2011 by New Harbinger Publications (first published January 1st 2011)
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Jennifer Ann Fox
Oct 17, 2011 rated it it was amazing
this book was recommended to me by a professional and it really made alot of sense when reading this book about narcissistic personalities or toxic relationships. I would highly recommend this to anyone divorcing in similar situations because it's the way you respond to the situations that's important and this book makes so much sense and spells it out for the reader.
Dec 18, 2015 rated it really liked it
No one is more surprised than I am that I am giving this 4 stars. I have been on a quest to read and rate as many books about personality disorders and DSM related diagnoses as possible. Most of them are horrible because they lack empirical support to make the claims they all make. While I am sure many authors truly want to help, it seems they really offer no effective help at all. I gave one star to Kreger's Eggshell book. It had many flaws and not many clear and effective helpful solutions. I ...more
Interesting book but not targeted for information I was seeking. I am going to begin reading Disarming the Narcissist soon which I understand is a much, much better book for understanding how to relate and pull away in a healthy manner from a narcissist. Let you know!
Bree Ervin
Aug 23, 2015 rated it really liked it
Do yourself a favor and read this book Before the words Separation or Divorce are even spoken to a partner with a personality disorder. This book is loaded with information that will give you a realistic idea what to expect out of a soon-to-be ex once a divorce has started. If at any point in time you are tempted to think: "They wouldn't go that far." or "It couldn't possibly be that extreme." let me tell you from personal experience that: Yes, they can and will go there, and yes it can be that ...more
Elijah Gartin
Jun 04, 2017 rated it really liked it
The book has a lot of good insight, especially a good read for those who are battling a PD that latched on to a rich SO and free lawyer. It's helping me save a lot of lawyer hours by following the mantra of "KEEP CALM" and if you aren't already in the thick of it, those hours add up quickly, especially with someone with a PD involved. It also reduces my needs to waste lawyer hours asking them questions of what if this, what if that, etc.

Reading this book felt at times the same way, "Stop Walking
Lisa Butterworth
Feb 28, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: brain-books
I'm feeling split about this book. I'm going to give it four stars because it is jammed full of useful information about how to handle a really sticky hard situations.

But it's really more like 3.0-3.5 stars, to be honest, because there is so much that isn't here. this book basically lays out what you need to do, best case scenario to split from an abusive or controlling person. But it doesn't provide any real-world emotional reality framework for how to accomplish being perfectly calm and contr
Terrah Mayes
Jun 25, 2013 rated it it was amazing
If you or someone you know is experiencing a high conflict divorce then this book is the bible to survival. Is it a fun read that escapes you from reality? No! It is likely the reality that you're living. So why would you want to read it? Because you will likely see similarities that will mirror your experiences and it will give you insight and wisdom as far as how to better deal with your, shall we say unbelievably irrational and beyond reasonable ex. Splitting is actually a clinical term, it i ...more
Randall Wallace
Dec 03, 2015 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
When you leave an abusive spouse, the police will save you. When you leave a narcissist-borderline spouse, this book save you. I loved rereading this book after eight years; it is still so helpful. An NIH study shows that 40% of borderlines are also narcissists. Eddy explains there is often a psychopathic component to such ex-spouses, “they can often spin the facts so well that they seem like victims.” I cannot stress enough that any parent with kids reading this book must read, “Don’t Alienate ...more
Dec 23, 2013 rated it it was amazing
I can't say that I read this book so much as I studied it. If you're just going to read it straight through without taking notes, it goes very quickly, otherwise, you may want to give yourself a couple days to really absorb everything. I can't overstate what a great resource it is. I've only owned my copy for two months and since then I've read, reread, and referred back to sections of it so many times that it looks like I've been carrying it around all year.

Some of the most important things you
Daryle Tibbs
This book was given to me by a client. The client felt this book was helpful to her in navigating her case with her husband, whom she believes to be suffering from borderline narcissistic personality disorder.
Splitting is a term used to describe a defense mechanism universally seen in people with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I definitely have a love-hate relationship with this book. Let me begin by being truthful with how long it took me to finish this book. I got through the
Oct 31, 2017 rated it really liked it
I read this book hoping that I never have to use what is inside. While I have never been married, family and friends have experienced this kind of divorce. In fact until I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed and read about how she divorced her husband (by sitting down with her husband, signing some papers together and mailing them in), I wasn't really familiar with any other method of divorce except the long, drawn out, litigious kind. Hopefully I won't ever have to put this book into action, but if you ...more
Dustin Hartley
Jan 13, 2018 rated it liked it
If the book had been better research and more richly explained, it could have been twice as long; if it had been more concisely written, without all the redundancies, it could have been half as long. I also didn't care for the little case studies sprinkled throughout. Still, having known someone with BPD and having studied psychology and the law a little bit in school, I found it somewhat interesting.
Leslie Jonsson
May 17, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Basic, down to earth ways to protect yourself during a divorce from a "high conflict" person (i.e. a person who has a personality disorder). Great information, perfect for someone who does not have a background in psychology.
Sep 08, 2018 rated it it was amazing
A friend gave this book to me following his high conflict divorce from his mercurial, theatrics driven attorney wife. This book is helping me see the forest through the trees and providing me clarity through these murky trails. I highly recommend this book to anyone.
Jul 27, 2017 rated it it was amazing
I saw this on the new release shelf and brought it home to read for more of a professional view. Very good information on handling Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder situations as well as best behaviors for divorcing situations.
Feb 12, 2018 rated it really liked it
Thumbs up, one I will continue to recommend for my clients that are going through a high conflict divorce. Easy to read, excellent explanations about behaviors to be expected, and effective advice in how to navigate the process.
Sep 11, 2018 rated it really liked it
Validates that the court system is not set up to deal with NPD. However, the attorney for the kids is usually a GAL and this part is very misleading. Better to read for someone to prepare for divorce. The truth is that it is far easier said than done, particularly when children are involved.
Sasha Rossberg
Feb 14, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A must read

I think it is the most helpful read I’ve had in the process. It’s a bible of sorts! For anyone.
Oct 15, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Very informative

Very helpful and informative book. Presented situations that you can prepare yourself when or if they come up during your divorce.
Mike Lewis
Feb 27, 2017 rated it really liked it
Very informative. Practical and no nonsense. The chapters are easily divided up to focus your research if need be. I totally recommend this book if you think it's for you.
May 15, 2016 rated it it was amazing
Going through a divorce is one of the most destructive, heart breaking, and earth shattering processes that an individual can go through in his of her life. It is a method of betrayal and deceit that takes the sanctity of marriage and shatters it into a million pieces. In the process homes are destroyed, children are emotionally damaged, and two people that once loved each other cannot stand one another. More than half of the marriages that take place in The United States today end in divorce. E ...more
Apr 27, 2014 rated it liked it
Only talked about a handful of cases. I would have liked more examples. Plus, I was specifically interested in Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that wasn't talked about as much as Borderline, or it was blended with Borderline PD and the advice was too general to be helpful. What i did get out of the book was to avoid court as much as possible because of the costs, dealing with NPD personalities, and emotional trauma. The authors should have read the book, Malignant Self Love, about narcissi ...more
Oct 26, 2011 rated it really liked it
This is a book with good advice for people involved in difficult end of relationship situations with people suffering from borderline or narcissistic personality disorders. It is very sad in some ways to realise that many people live in the love-hate world of these disorders, making unreasonable demands and not even realising they are doing this. It certainly sets both the people with the conditions and their partners up for very painful divorces, custody battles and property settlements. This b ...more
Alexis Latner
Jun 03, 2016 rated it it was amazing
I wouldn't wish on anybody that they should need this book - but for the unfortunate people who do, it must be a Godsend. It's written clearly, readably, and very informatively, with a realism that has no meanness in it. It was an absorbing read although I am NOT divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder! I highly recommend it to any fiction writers who have such a scenario in their novels and want to get it right with all kinds of lurid, dramatic, adversarial and pa ...more
Ann Schaffer
Jul 15, 2015 rated it really liked it
This is a great book for anyone going through a difficult divorce. I read this book to support my brother. It helped predict his wife's behavior and helped us know how to fight for custody. On the books recommendation, we focused on revealing her patterns of behavior to the court, backed up with examples.
Laurice Grae-Hauck
Jun 27, 2015 rated it it was amazing
This book is a must read for anyone involved in a high conflict divorce. If you haven't left your marriage yet and are dealing with a high-conflict personality or a "blamer" START HERE and arm yourself before you get started. These helpful insights could save you thousands of dollars in attorney fees and years of court battles.
Jan 19, 2015 rated it it was amazing
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
Sep 03, 2013 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I wish I had read this years ago. it explained so much. I have a whole new outlook on my situation, and can better understand why my court and mediation battles turned out how they did. I HIGHLY recommend this to anyone going through or survivors of a difficult divorce.
Dec 16, 2016 rated it it was amazing
This book just explained my entire Marriage and the "all of a sudden" Divorce. All the excuses I made, the things I was made to believe were my fault...years of wasted life....the damage to my 2 kids. Not worth it. Don't "stick it out" for them.
Jan 05, 2017 rated it it was amazing
Read this book in one day on It is an absolute must for anyone in the mist of a break up especially if you have children. Very informative! Loved it! CYA!
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Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businessperso ...more
“Most people reflect on their own thoughts: Is this true? Am I overreacting? I should check this out. But people with PDs don’t seem to have the ability to reflect on their own thoughts or behavior. Like someone who is drunk, their thinking is continually “under the influence” of their cognitive distortions. They can send, but not receive, new information. Because they are unaware of their cognitive distortions, these distortions can underlie serious misbehavior, including physical abuse, emotional abuse, and even legal abuse (using the legal system to attack a target and to promote false or unnecessary litigation). Information that does not fit the distortion is rigidly unconsciously blocked as too threatening and confusing. Instead, people with PDs defend their distortions in an effort to protect themselves. Blamers repeatedly react to “false alarms” caused by all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, and so forth. They truly believe that they are in danger, and they feel powerless and out of control inside.” 2 likes
“the behavior of parents, other parties, or both. Also, old videos or photos may be helpful in showing how comfortable and happy the children are with you as a parent, to counteract allegations that the children were always afraid of you. Submitting the Evidence to the Court” 1 likes
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