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Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

4.26  ·  Rating details ·  538 ratings  ·  57 reviews
Protect Yourself from Manipulation, False Accusations, and Abuse

Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. When your spouse has borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or is manipulative, divorcing can be especially complicated. While people with these tendencies may initially appear convincing and even charming to lawy
Paperback, 292 pages
Published July 1st 2011 by New Harbinger Publications (first published January 1st 2011)
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Jason Hoekstra Overall, I took this to mean try to use negotiation and meditation as a means of resolution instead of depending on the courts. The courts are not exp…moreOverall, I took this to mean try to use negotiation and meditation as a means of resolution instead of depending on the courts. The courts are not experts in mental health conditions such as BPD/NPD and it's a crap shoot in terms of what will be yielded in your favor. Sometimes, it may be easier to exit with what you have sooner rather than later, if agreeable terms are possible. However not in all cases would this be possible, as some BPD/NPD use the court process as part of the abuse against the other partner or unable to negotiate being locked into victimized and black/white thinking patterns.(less)
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Jennifer Ann Fox
Oct 17, 2011 rated it it was amazing
this book was recommended to me by a professional and it really made alot of sense when reading this book about narcissistic personalities or toxic relationships. I would highly recommend this to anyone divorcing in similar situations because it's the way you respond to the situations that's important and this book makes so much sense and spells it out for the reader. ...more
Dec 18, 2015 rated it really liked it
No one is more surprised than I am that I am giving this 4 stars. I have been on a quest to read and rate as many books about personality disorders and DSM related diagnoses as possible. Most of them are horrible because they lack empirical support to make the claims they all make. While I am sure many authors truly want to help, it seems they really offer no effective help at all. I gave one star to Kreger's Eggshell book. It had many flaws and not many clear and effective helpful solutions. I ...more
Interesting book but not targeted for information I was seeking. I am going to begin reading Disarming the Narcissist soon which I understand is a much, much better book for understanding how to relate and pull away in a healthy manner from a narcissist. Let you know!
Lily Haven
Aug 23, 2015 rated it really liked it
Do yourself a favor and read this book Before the words Separation or Divorce are even spoken to a partner with a personality disorder. This book is loaded with information that will give you a realistic idea what to expect out of a soon-to-be ex once a divorce has started. If at any point in time you are tempted to think: "They wouldn't go that far." or "It couldn't possibly be that extreme." let me tell you from personal experience that: Yes, they can and will go there, and yes it can be that ...more
Daryle Tibbs
This book was given to me by a client. The client felt this book was helpful to her in navigating her case with her husband, whom she believes to be suffering from borderline narcissistic personality disorder.
Splitting is a term used to describe a defense mechanism universally seen in people with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I definitely have a love-hate relationship with this book. Let me begin by being truthful with how long it took me to finish this book. I got through the
May 15, 2016 rated it it was amazing
Going through a divorce is one of the most destructive, heart breaking, and earth shattering processes that an individual can go through in his of her life. It is a method of betrayal and deceit that takes the sanctity of marriage and shatters it into a million pieces. In the process homes are destroyed, children are emotionally damaged, and two people that once loved each other cannot stand one another. More than half of the marriages that take place in The United States today end in divorce. E ...more
Elijah Gartin
Jun 04, 2017 rated it really liked it
The book has a lot of good insight, especially a good read for those who are battling a PD that latched on to a rich SO and free lawyer. It's helping me save a lot of lawyer hours by following the mantra of "KEEP CALM" and if you aren't already in the thick of it, those hours add up quickly, especially with someone with a PD involved. It also reduces my needs to waste lawyer hours asking them questions of what if this, what if that, etc.

Reading this book felt at times the same way, "Stop Walking
Lisa Butterworth
Feb 28, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: brain-books, divorce
I'm feeling split about this book. I'm going to give it four stars because it is jammed full of useful information about how to handle a really sticky hard situations.

But it's really more like 3.0-3.5 stars, to be honest, because there is so much that isn't here. this book basically lays out what you need to do, best case scenario to split from an abusive or controlling person. But it doesn't provide any real-world emotional reality framework for how to accomplish being perfectly calm and contr
Dorette Skinner
Jun 16, 2020 rated it really liked it
I hope no one I know ever needs to read this. But I find it super helpful in navigating these uncertain waters, keeping my side clean and managing my expectations.
Wafa Ouazeta
Mar 19, 2020 rated it liked it
Quick –start Guide……………………………..p07
Part01: Preparing for a difficult Divorce
1. Preparing yourself………….p13
2. Understanding borderline and Narcissistic personalities…p25
3. Blamers and targets: its all your fault!........p43
4. Managing a Blamer with a assertive Approach…..p69
5. Preparing for a court battle with a blamer….p89
Part02: Succeeding in family court:
6. Today’s divorce court culture…….p109
7. Hiring a lawyer who understands……p 137
8. working with your la
Terrah Mayes
Jun 25, 2013 rated it it was amazing
If you or someone you know is experiencing a high conflict divorce then this book is the bible to survival. Is it a fun read that escapes you from reality? No! It is likely the reality that you're living. So why would you want to read it? Because you will likely see similarities that will mirror your experiences and it will give you insight and wisdom as far as how to better deal with your, shall we say unbelievably irrational and beyond reasonable ex. Splitting is actually a clinical term, it i ...more
Randall Wallace
Dec 03, 2015 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
When you leave an abusive spouse, the police will save you. When you leave a narcissist-borderline spouse, this book save you. I loved rereading this book after eight years; it is still so helpful. An NIH study shows that 40% of borderlines are also narcissists. Eddy explains there is often a psychopathic component to such ex-spouses, “they can often spin the facts so well that they seem like victims.” I cannot stress enough that any parent with kids reading this book must read, “Don’t Alienate ...more
Dec 23, 2013 rated it it was amazing
I can't say that I read this book so much as I studied it. If you're just going to read it straight through without taking notes, it goes very quickly, otherwise, you may want to give yourself a couple days to really absorb everything. I can't overstate what a great resource it is. I've only owned my copy for two months and since then I've read, reread, and referred back to sections of it so many times that it looks like I've been carrying it around all year.

Some of the most important things you
Even though this book is written for those divorcing, this book is helpful for others to read for a better understanding of the challenges and difficulties that occur when dealing with someone diagnosed with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Oct 31, 2017 rated it really liked it
I read this book hoping that I never have to use what is inside. While I have never been married, family and friends have experienced this kind of divorce. In fact until I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed and read about how she divorced her husband (by sitting down with her husband, signing some papers together and mailing them in), I wasn't really familiar with any other method of divorce except the long, drawn out, litigious kind. Hopefully I won't ever have to put this book into action, but if you ...more
Glenn Coltharp
Jan 03, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Great advice book for a horrible, dysfunctional relationship end. This is a great resource for anyone going thru a divorce with an NBPDex. The sooner you can read this book in the divorce process the better!! You’ll be extremely happy you did as it’s so important to be proactive NOW! It’s paramount to quickly learn the lessons of how to protect yourself from this book because false accusations, blame, smearing, and outlandish behaviors WILL come! In the book I found most important these things: ...more
DeAnna Knippling
Jun 06, 2020 rated it really liked it
A book on how to handle a divorce with someone with a possible personality disorder.

Recommended to me by my therapist. I did NOT want to hear the information in this book, but who would? As a CYA, pretty thorough, but I had to stop and read a different divorce book before I could finish this one, in order to get some perspective. Wait...what do NORMAL divorces look like? I also read Stop Walking On Eggshells, by one of the authors of this book, because I wanted to see how they suggested dealing
Jason Hoekstra
Feb 08, 2021 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Tremendously helpful book from a unique perspective that could only come from a dual trained LCSW and JD. Going through a divorce is awful enough on it’s own, suffering through the other side with a personality disorder makes it a special type of hell. This book was my life raft to not only understand why and predict how, but provided great support in what to do for myself and for the case. If your ex is believed to have BPD or NPD, this book will help pave a way forward to make the best of the ...more
Jan 16, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Great advice for persons dealing with a difficult spouse who exhibits or is diagnosed with a personality disorder. I read to hep me be prepared although I don't think my situation is this extreme and I hope not to have to go through many of the items discussed in the book, but I feel much more prepared for the legal process. I would highly suggest for someone who does think their divorce will be highly complicated and involved. ...more
Piotr Reysner
Jul 01, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This is a phenomenal book. I recommend it to anyone divorcing a narcissist. As a lawyer, I can tell you that this is the most practical and accurate legal advice I've seen from any author who ventures into this arena. And as a DV advocate, I can tell you that the practical advice is second to none.

Learn this book and follow it to the letter. It will help immensely. But it does require you to control your instinct to fight, which truly makes things so much worse with a narcissist.
Michael Sunset
Aug 16, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book was very good at describing the behaviors to expect from a Narcissist, Borderline, or someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder or Antisocial traits in a divorce or custody case. It gives great advice as to what type of lawyer to retain. The importance of documentation as well as how to handle false accusations. It goes into detail how to protect yourself and your kidsI highly recommend!
Jul 27, 2017 rated it it was amazing
I saw this on the new release shelf and brought it home to read for more of a professional view. Very good information on handling Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder situations as well as best behaviors for divorcing situations.
Feb 12, 2018 rated it really liked it
Thumbs up, one I will continue to recommend for my clients that are going through a high conflict divorce. Easy to read, excellent explanations about behaviors to be expected, and effective advice in how to navigate the process.
Leslie Jonsson
May 17, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Basic, down to earth ways to protect yourself during a divorce from a "high conflict" person (i.e. a person who has a personality disorder). Great information, perfect for someone who does not have a background in psychology. ...more
Sep 08, 2018 rated it it was amazing
A friend gave this book to me following his high conflict divorce from his mercurial, theatrics driven attorney wife. This book is helping me see the forest through the trees and providing me clarity through these murky trails. I highly recommend this book to anyone.
Sep 11, 2018 rated it really liked it
Validates that the court system is not set up to deal with NPD. However, the attorney for the kids is usually a GAL and this part is very misleading. Better to read for someone to prepare for divorce. The truth is that it is far easier said than done, particularly when children are involved.
Mike Lewis
Feb 27, 2017 rated it really liked it
Very informative. Practical and no nonsense. The chapters are easily divided up to focus your research if need be. I totally recommend this book if you think it's for you. ...more
Sasha Rossberg
Feb 14, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A must read

I think it is the most helpful read I’ve had in the process. It’s a bible of sorts! For anyone.
Oct 15, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Very informative

Very helpful and informative book. Presented situations that you can prepare yourself when or if they come up during your divorce.
Jan 07, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Audiobook. Excellent guide to dealing with a contentious divorce.
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Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businessperso ...more

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  Kerine Wint is a software engineering graduate with more love for books than for computers. As an avid reader, writer, and fan of all things...
4 likes · 2 comments
“The person’s cognitive distortions get triggered, and all kinds of extreme thoughts may get generated, including allegations of abuse by you. People with BP tendencies seem to desire the elimination of the other parent as much as possible, stating that you’re a “threat” to the child for some reason, and you need supervised visitation or no contact. Since these types of orders are used only when there are serious abuse allegations, people with BP or NP traits often make very serious abuse allegations. This entire process may be totally unconscious, although some blamers are willing to make knowingly false statements to accomplish their desperate goals.” 2 likes
“Most people reflect on their own thoughts: Is this true? Am I overreacting? I should check this out. But people with PDs don’t seem to have the ability to reflect on their own thoughts or behavior. Like someone who is drunk, their thinking is continually “under the influence” of their cognitive distortions. They can send, but not receive, new information. Because they are unaware of their cognitive distortions, these distortions can underlie serious misbehavior, including physical abuse, emotional abuse, and even legal abuse (using the legal system to attack a target and to promote false or unnecessary litigation). Information that does not fit the distortion is rigidly unconsciously blocked as too threatening and confusing. Instead, people with PDs defend their distortions in an effort to protect themselves. Blamers repeatedly react to “false alarms” caused by all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, and so forth. They truly believe that they are in danger, and they feel powerless and out of control inside.” 2 likes
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