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756 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
I have come to think that a person’s life is not so much, or rather is not just, the dramatically arched story with a handful of characters (parents, children, lovers, friends, and colleagues –anyone else?) that we pass on more or less in one piece to our descendants. It’s only from the outside that life looks like a narrative, or when viewed backwards through a pair of mental binoculars we put on when we have to fit ourselves into the small oculars of resumes, late-night kitchen confessions, and home-spun myths, trimming and shaping life into orderly eyefuls. When seen from the inside, life is an enormous, bottomless suitcase, stuffed with precisely such indeterminate bits and pieces, utterly useless for anyone other than its owner. A suitcase carried, irredeemably and forever, to the grave. Maybe a handful of odds and ends fall out along the way … so whenever I stumbled into one of those lost, disowned scraps I was filled with a vague but insistent shame of my inadequacy, as if this piece, this accidental survivor, contained the key – the lost secret code to the deep, subterranean core of the other person’s life – and now I have it, but I don’t know which door it unlocks or if such a door even exists. Pg. 20
this!!!---a scribble in the margins, a bauble that slipped out of the suitcase---turned the binoculars for me. For an instant, as if a flash of lightning cut through the darkness, I saw a living soul and the strange thing was that it was the same father about whom I, against my best instincts, continued to feel ashamed ... to see him from the inside and recognize, in that flash, what it was that had driven him to the end, that had not permitted him to back off and make the single required concession that white was really black; his indomitable abhorrence of his own fear, the physiological mandate from his very healthy and apparently very proud soul ... to reject this fear that had been implanted in him against his will, like viral DNA ... I could be proud of him. Pg.32