A hilarious #1 bestselling collection of essays from those nearest and dearest to comedian Chelsea Handler--the people she's lied to.
"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate." -- Chelsea Handler, from Chapter 10 of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
It's no lie: Chelsea Handler loves to smoke out "dumbassness," the condition people suffer from that allows them to fall prey to her brand of complete and utter nonsense. Friends, family, co-workers--they've all been tricked by Chelsea into believing stories of total foolishness and into behaving like total fools. Luckily, they've lived to tell the tales and, for the very first time, write about them.
Chelsea Handler has become one of entertainment’s most sought after and versatile rising stars. In July 2007, Chelsea broke into the world of late-night talk shows with her E! Entertainment series, Chelsea Lately (airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m.). Consistently the network’s highest-rated program, Chelsea Lately offers a tongue-in-cheek look at entertainment news, celebrity truths, and rumors that just won't die, along with other hot topics of the day. Bringing refreshing new energy to and redefining perceptions of the talk show, Chelsea Lately is an authentic and hilarious commentary on the celebrity culture around us. Both Handler and the show have also been recognized as pioneers in late night with the show boasting five female writers to account for half of its writing staff. This is unprecedented in the late night arena that has historically been dominated by male hosts and writers.
In addition to her wildly successful television series, Chelsea is equally well-known as a best-selling author. On March 28, 2010, she achieved a spectacular feat when her three books took the #1, #2, and #3 spots on the New York Times Best Seller list. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, from Grand Central Publishing, was the #1 nonfiction hardcover; Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, from Simon Spotlight Entertainment, was the #2 nonfiction paperback; and My Horizontal Life, from Bloomsbury, was the #3 nonfiction paperback. In hardcover, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelseadebuted at #1 on the New York Times Best Seller list when published in April 2008, and My Horizontal Life has been a bestseller for 80 weeks.
As a testament to her versatility and tireless work ethic, Chelsea’s 21-city comedy tour, also entitled “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang” and sponsored by Belvedere Vodka, kicked off in March 2010. After tickets sold out immediately, Live Nation added 15 more shows. As one of the nation’s most acclaimed and cutting edge-comedians, Handler delivers a sharp combination of fearless honesty, ironic riffs, and self-deprecations with no shortage of material.
With her roots in both stand-up comedy and television, Chelsea was also the star of Oxygen’s Girls Behaving Badly (now syndicated in over 90 markets ) for all of its four seasons. She also starred on E! in The Chelsea Handler Show.> In 2007 – 2008, Chelsea starred with Jenny McCarthy and Leah Remini in the hugely popular MSN online web series In The Motherhood.
In March 2009, Chelsea was honored the prestigious Ally for Equality Award by the Human Rights Campaign, recognizing the outstanding efforts of those who dedicate time, energy, spirit and whole-hearted commitment to better the lives of LGBT people. She continues to be an influential and dedicated advocate for the LGBT community.
Handler, who grew up in New Jersey, currently resides in Los Angeles.
Nothing screams, "Third in a three-book contract!" quite like Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me. In fact, it goes on to say, "Oh, shit! I'm three weeks over deadline and I still haven't written a word! I don't have time to write another book. I know! I'll let my friends write it for me! They should have enough to say about me to fill a whole book, right? No? Well, let me check my email, and see what else I can find."
The book starts out well enough (despite the obvious cop-out of not actually having been written by Chelsea Handler) with several charming stories that illustrate what a twisted, brilliant liar can do with carte-blanche to fuck with her loved ones. Each story is more purposeful than the next, however, so by the midpoint of the book, they're really just war stories about hanging out with Chelsea, with the occasional white lie to a waiter thrown in to keep things technically on theme. Eventually the theme gets completely abandoned, and the stories start reading like generalized eulogies.
The second-to-last chapter, due to an apparent scarcity of material, consists of nothing more than emails from Comcast about standards and practices: "Two minutes, forty three seconds: please completely bleep the word 'shit' in 'I don't give a shit.' Two minutes, fifty seven seconds..." "..." "..."
And the last chapter is "written" by Chelsea Handler's dog. That's right, her dog. I have never, EVER, abandoned a book in the last chapter. Until now.
I'm glad I'm not friends with Chelsea Handler. People who raved about this book may say that I have no sense of humor, but I wonder what is funny about your friend ruining the song you are singing to your brand new husband during your wedding reception, regardless if you can hold a tune or not; making you believe that you are being sued and probably fired for sexual harassement thus ruining your future; spoiling your honeymoon; forging emails to your friends and family that you are pregnant (when you're not); and constantly peeing all over herself and others.
What made this book mildly entertaining is that all of her 'friends' are obviously a-holes like her that hang out with or work for her solely because she pays them off with cash and trips. They all claim that she is so nice, so smart, so funny before launching into stories of how she is a complete boor.
This was the first book by 'Chelsea' that I've read, and with all the truly clever books out there, it will probably be the last. I'm glad I got this from the library instead of feeding money into her empire. I honestly do like like Chelsea Lately, although I certainly don't watch it religiously and her stand-up is very funny, but I felt like this book was just lazy. She obviously feels like she needs to churn out a book a year now-and honestly, so would I if I was making that kind of money for it-but she doesn't really have anything else to say. Like an earlier review I think it is quite possible that half of these stories were made up. Truthfully, I hope so, because it would certainly make me like the book more to know that she is a pretend a-hole instead of a real one.
This book is not as good as the ones Chelsea writes herself. Instead, it was kind of like a half-hearted roast, in that each chapter was told from the point of view of someone in Chelsea Handler's life, and each person took the opportunity to call her names and insult her, but ultimately professed their love/friendship/admiration for her (about 75% fawning and only 25% insulting). The insults lose a little of their bite, though, because the stories are about how Chelsea so adeptly lies to the authors, pranking them, pulling one over on them, or generally getting them into trouble. No amount of revealing that Handler laughs so hard she pees her pants can make her look dumber than the people she is tricking, so she always has the upper hand in every story, coming off more as a mastermind than a villain, and of course as the winner of each round of lies. It is very clear that none of these people are willing to stop the gravy train of lavish gifts and trips being in Handler's inner circle affords, so they are more than willing to put up with what amounts to abuse to reap the rewards.
Looks like this is one more prank she's pulled: instead of writing another book in which she makes her friends look stupid, she got her friends to do it for her.
While it is not exactly an enormous feat to read all of Chelsea's books, I feel as if I have come to know her over the years through her essays and memoirs. When this book came out, I was a bit leery. Though it's about Chelsea (who is almost always funny), it wasn't written by her and therefore I was suspect. Still, I had read all of her previous books and was in a serious Handler drought so I decided to take a chance. I was disappointed. While I chuckled a few times and smiled every couple of chapters, it lacked the side-splitting milk-coming-out-of-your-nose kind of laughter.
Basically this book is a collection of essays written by Chelsea's family, friends, and writers about the pranks that Chelsea has pulled on them ranging from attempting to ruin a co-workers honeymoon to trying to get her brother to sleep with one of her staff. Some of the essays are funny but it's really hit or miss. Interestingly, I found the sections written by her comedic writers to be the least funny and those written by her family made me giggle. Still, I think these essays made her come off as sounding mean and ungrateful. While I have a suspicion that this isn't true, it did taint my view of her a little bit.
For fans of Chelsea, I think you might find some interest in this book. But I will spend my time re-reading "Are you there vodka" instead.
My main, conclusive thought about this audio book? Chelsea is an asshole.
This book was a collection of stories from Chelsea's friends and family, about all of the times she has terrorized them and basically ruined their lives.
Chelsea does not play practical jokes, these are long, drawn out spectacles that usually leave the recipient in tears or a panic attack or on the verge of a stress induced stroke. Her "jokes" are complete reputation ruiners. It is not funny. I was left cringing most of the book or with my mouth gaping incredulously, not understanding why these people still even breathe the same air as this vile woman.
It's not funny to ruin someone's honeymoon, make someone's entire family and friend base think they're pregnant and having a shotgun wedding, make someone think they are being fired and sued for sexual harassment, email someone's boss and potentially get them into enough trouble or make them feel awkward enough that they might quit, make someone's family think they are on drugs, saying completely inappropriate and dirty things in English to solely Spanish speaking individuals, or any of the other completely over exaggerated and dragged out "practical jokes" she played on her "friends".
I honestly think these people would never still be friends with this woman if she weren't "Chelsea Handler" and couldn't make their professional life a living hell. They constantly try to defend her and explain how she is a loyal and loving friend... Stop.
Section 5, Eva, was overly obnoxious, and as much as she gushed about being obsessed with comedy, she wasn't funny. This was the perfect moment to show us her wit, and she just came off entirely annoying. I almost skipped her section, she was worse to listen to than Sarah Silverman. Ugh. Also, I'm sure it was intentional, but she had this super weird fixation and obsession with Chelsea. It was meant to be funny, I guess, but because her delivery was terrible, it just came across wildly odd and uncomfortable.
Also, what is with her friends obsession with her "big tits", it's just crude and weird. I don't want to hear about her constant action of peeing in her pants, either. Once was plenty. Actually, once was too much. Keep your bathroom actions to yourself.
If I had to hear one of her friends say coslopus instead of vagina one more time, I was going to explode. It's obnoxious and not cute or funny.
I'll say it again and I'll say it every time I come across it in a book, but their overuse of the "R" word was nauseating and cringe-worthy. Stop being so ignorant and educate yourself on the offensiveness of that term, I'm sick of hearing it.
The ending, which seems to be a recurring theme with the recent memoirs i've read, fell flat. I mean, I already wasn't enjoying the book, but it seemed like she just kind of threw the end together, and added a few more people into it to lengthen it a little bit, especially the email section. It's funny the first minute, then it's just repetitive and obviously just filler. My son was also sitting near me while listening to the ending, and although I typically don't censor much of what he listens to or watches, the email exchange section was too much. The only thing funny after the first minute was his incessant giggling until I fast forwarded.
They even put a section for the dog, with irritating autotune narrator included... Just end the book early and save us all the pain of listening to this awful filler. Please.
The only funny part of the entire book was when her "friends" called her an asshole.
Lies that Chelsea Handler told me is a collection of short anecdotes about Chelsea written by members of her family and friends with a short response at the end of each by Chelsea.
Chelsea Handler is known as a hilarious entertainer and I expected nothing short of intense hilarity from this book. What I got, however was more than I had bargained for. This book has many funny and messed up stories within these pages. However, in addition to the stories of Chelsea’s antics, I was given an intimate look into Chelsea as a person.
There are memories within these pages which show the seriousness of life and as always the way that Chelsea finds humor in every situation. I had no idea the level of entertainment that Chelsea received from each and every situation that she finds advantageous for the most genius of jokes. I found myself questioning on many occasions if I would have the steadfastness to put up with some of the horrendous things Chelsea has done in the past, or if I would be able to love Chelsea as fiercely and see through to the heart of the matter that results from being the butt of one of her many schemes.
I walked away with a better understanding of who Chelsea Handler is behind the laughs and jokes. Chelsea loves fiercely, and with that love comes practical jokes and picking on people that can only be seen in an intense middle school crush situation of “boy likes girl.”
I give this book 5/5 stars. It was entertaining, it was funny, and it was intimate. NOTHING is off limits with Chelsea Handler, and there is no level of appropriateness. Chelsea is exactly where she needs to be in life for her greatest good and happiness and offer of laughs to the public. I can appreciate and love Chelsea even more for her inappropriate sense of humor and her desire to take care of everyone she cares about, even if it comes at their own expense from time to time. If you are a Chelsea Handler fan you MUST read this book, also if you are into biography, humor, non-fiction, etc, you would enjoy this book.
Listened to this while driving from Minnesota to Chicago. This is a compilation of multiple people from Chelsea Handler's life writing about the practical jokes she plays on them. The bad part is that it is also read by the people who wrote each chapter. Some of the people reading their chapter were really great, others were awful or just plain annoying.
Aside from the actual readings, I didn't really enjoy the book. It was like listening to Punk'd but without Ashton Kutcher. Just couldn't get into listening to other people's stories of moments of panic or humiliation. If you like shows like Punk'd or Jackass maybe you'd get into this book. But if you're not a huge fan of practical jokes then stay away from this read.
I enjoyed this series of essays about Chelsea told by her family and friends. She is one of a kind and just amusing to read about. I have read most her books and have ordered the new one off of amazon. I use to watch her show religiously so I might be bias but I find her books some of the most entertaining reads available. Overall, this one was funny and painted Chelsea in a variety of ways.
As with every other book I have had the pleasure to read by Chelsea Handler, “Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me” left me with a red, tear streaked face, an aching diaphragm, and little respect for the outrageous comedian. I laughed the entire way through, even though this time I was not surprised at any of the ridiculous stories I read. This is perhaps because I feel like I have come to know Chelsea personally after reading several of her hilarious memoirs and essays. “Essays” may not be the most appropriate word, considering there is nothing even remotely academic about them, but they resemble a manifestation of her thought, and essays they shall be called. Few authors have the ability to make readers laugh as Chelsea does. Few authors are also able to make readers feel like an old friend. But somehow, the mischievous Mrs. Handler does so. I recommend “Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me” to anyone in need of a good laugh, or who isn’t easily offended. The stories told in the book provide Chelsea with no possibility of redemption, and yet audiences across the nation still love her: This is what makes her such an amazing author and comedian. The book tells the stories of her life through other peoples’ perspectives, a unique approach to a memoir. If there is anything anyone can learn from Ms. Handler, it is how to make an audience fall in love with you through a well-told story.
I liked Chelsea's book, my horizontal life, but this one falls flat. I’m embarrassed for her. I was hoping for a list of clever pranks and instead what you find is a series of dumb lies and uncomfortable insight into who she is and the relationships with people around her.
Its a collection of stories that illustrate how irredeemably F*%$ed up in the head the whole group is. And not in a funny way- in a very sad co-dependent abusive unpleasant way.
I used to think she was a talented businesswoman and gifted comedian, now I realize she is a pathological liar who is mean to her "friends" who it seems only stick around becasue she bribes them with money and fancy vacations and jobs. She is alternately cruel and smothering. Abusing them, then insisting they sleep in bed with her. A grown up version of Michael Jackson.
All but one of her friends/victims works for her (This is a sign Chelsea- YOu are their boss, they have to put up with you) and as they write their stories they are all quick to point out how "wonderful and funny and generous" Chelsea is, Chelsea you're such a cad, then proceed to tell you stories that really aren’t funny, most have no point except to highlight her shadenfreud and other pathological character flaws, and the groveling hangers on that put up with it because of their own desperation, personality disorders (severe insecurity, OCD and self absorption abound) and co-dependent relationships with Chelsea, the golden goose who pecks at them constantly for seemingly no point. One points out that she doesn’t need a punch line, a payoff, to lie. She just does it. That about explains it.
Most of the stories are either childish or cruel, then she gives them money and demands they sleep in the same room with her as proof she loves them. Few are even remotely entertaining. The ones that are entertaining is mostly because her victim is so irritating you have to enjoy a little that she tortures them.
Chelsea tells a co-worker she is pregnant. The co-worker decides she'll have a baby too so she can get the hand-me downs and she'll get to hang on tightly when the babies grow up to be best friends and she can attend all the cool parties and go on all Chelsea's vacations with her. Really? Your grand scheme for success is a baby as a prop to get you in with the cool crowd? That's not funny.
Another whiny OCD employee flips out because the lie is told that one of the other employees is staying with Chelsea for too long while his apartment is being fixed after a flood. Who cares? Except this one guy- who is pathologically obsessed over the favoritism and opportunity he thinks the other employee is receiving by being in Chelsea’s home. Its creepy to hear him tell a story that is purportedly about a practical joke, when in fact, there is no "joke" - only his own drastically unhealthy obsession and insecurities. It’s like listening to a therapy session as he waxes on about he stays up all night and cant focus on work because he is consumed with what this guy wore to sleep at Chelsea’s house and if they are all having breakfast together and how it should have been him instead. Its muy muy creepy and very sad. It is NOT funny.
The nail in the coffin is the section at the end devoted to the censors who bleep her TV show- its a list of e-mails that contain nothing but "bleep the word shit from "Oh shit" at x-minutes/seconds. Bleep the Word F&^% in "oh F&$%" at x-minutes/seconds. Bleep the word D*$K in "You're a D*%k" at x time. The fact the censors want it removed is overstating the obvious and a list of vulgarity without any context is not in itself funny. Neither was the rest of the book.
Turns out a book of "humorous" stories told by people who seem to need to be friends with any celebrity isn't interesting. Who could have imagined that! This book was a new low in the "crap I choose to listen to in my car" category. Listening to this book did reaffirm that my initial thoughts that Chelsea Handler was not only under-talented, but that she also got where she was by sleeping with the right people are completely true. Now, though, I know even more about her than I ever wanted to, and all of it reminds me of why meeting famous people is never a good thing. It is correct to assume they will all be as self-centered and out-of-control as this one is. The most ingratiating thing about this book was after you heard the "funny" stories told by those who endure life with this narcissist, like the one about how "Handy" urinated on one of her "friends" for kicks, the writer had to end the chapter with some spin about how "Chelsea would only pee on someone she loves" or something like that to make us think that her outing people and spreading crazy sexual rumors is all really loving behavior as only Chelsea can provide it. Also, my assumption is that "Chesty" wanted each chapter to end that way, as the one message you can't escape from reading this book is that this spoiled, shallow, easily-bored, basic cable personality gets EVERYTHING her way. No exceptions. Easily one of the worst books ever... If I hadn't been in my car for other purposes while I listened to it, I'd certainly regret the hours lost to this book.
Mostly I just want to do what she's done. She clearly believes in herself like no one's business and is kind of a comedic genius. The book may have been funnier had she written it, rather than have her social circle recount (brilliant) tricks she's played on them. But whatever, it's damn funny. The bitch is kind of fierce.
I Picked Up This Book Because: I didn’t realize there was a C.H. book I hadn’t read.
Media Type: Audiobook Source: CCP Library Dates Read: 10/30/21 - 11/1/21 Stars: *DNF No Rating
I was quite shocked that there was a Chelsea Handler book I hadn’t read. I’m quite the fan of her written work. After listening to just over half of this book I understand why.
This book is mostly not written by Chelsea. She does an intro and a snappy reaction at the end of each chapter but that’s about it. It is stories from her co-workers, friends and family that quite frankly make Chelsea seem mean. Everyone exalts her virtues and boobs at some point in her story but 3 hours of it was more than enough for me.
This book will make you very, very glad you are not friends with and do not work for Chelsea Handler. Unless you like your weekends, honeymoons, and general everyday life ruined by her ridiculous and often weirdly cruel practical jokes. That said, her friends and co-workers seem incredibly gullible, so the book could also make you feel quite savvy and clever. Also, she and her friends and co-workers seem deeply immature--often in fun ways, but also really problematic ways, so the book could make you feel a little lame-mature, but it will also likely make you feel you've escaped dangerous-immature. And, of course, since it's a Chelsea Handler book, even though she didn't write it (see title), it's often laugh-out-loud/groan-out-loud/pee-your-pants funny. So this book can make you feel grateful for the life you lead, diminish any envy you might feel for celebrity life, provide a little ego-stroking for your superiority complex, and make you laugh. And its 292 pages are filled with largeish print and multiple pictures, so you'll also feel like a speed reader. It's the Lik-m-Aid (aka Fun Dip) of brain candy.
Added bonus: Chelsea seems to have challenged her friends-coauthors to all use the same unusual word in their pieces. Or at least that's what I think happened.
This book has absolutely no socially redeeming feature, so naturally, I really liked it. Chelsea Handler spends much of her time creating practical jokes with which to bedevil her friends. The rule seems to be that if she decides to make you a victim of her demonic humor, it's a sign of her love and respect. Unfortunately, I share this worldview which might be the reason that Chelsea Handler is one of my guilty pleasures. If I like you, I'm all over you, if I don't like you, I can't be bothered. Some of the jokes were truly funny and some were truly vicious. But I tended to laugh at both. I think that my favorite was when Chelsea convinced one of her fellow bridesmaids at a wedding that the bride was afraid to sing a song to her new husband and needed someone to sing with her. It was only after the "duet" started--to the surprise of the bride--that the extent of the joke was realized. And, of course, it's captured on the video, forever. Thank goodness that Chelsea Handler spends so much time working to embarass and humiliate her friends. If she wasn't so engaged, the rest of us would be in trouble.
Now this is the way to write a book: have your friends, staff and family tell very funny stories about you, or involving you; add a few comments at the end of each story, and cha-ching wait for the cash to role in! I gave this book three stars just for the genius of the idea!
In a nut shell this book is about the elaborate practical jokes Chelsea has been playing on her family and friends for decades. These pranks are deliciously malevolent but always hilarious. She is definitely a person that you either love or hate; lots of reviews say she is just plain mean spirited. However, coming from a person who waits all year for April Fool’s day and keeps a spreadsheet on the pranks I've pulled, and who they were pulled on, I think she clever and funny, and I enjoyed listening to these stories.
Hmm. So this book is a bunch of Chelsea's friends, siblings, and employees sharing stories about cruel and dishonest things she did to them. It sounds as if Chelsea will create any lie, subject a person to any and all uncomfortable situations, so she can get a laugh.
The further I got into this book, the more uncomfortable I got with all these authors defending Chelsea's actions. Some of her actions in this book are downright awful and would ruin most normal friendships. Yet the authors of this book always respond with, "Oh, well, I deserved it! And she is still the most wonderful, caring human being I've ever known!" Hmm.
'My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.'. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea's family and friends share lies and practical jokes perpetrated by Chelsea.
Crass, edgy, foul mouthed and R-rated...with moments of hold your sides hilarity.
"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around." — Chelsea Handler
I can't get away with telling lies, even in pursuit of a practical joke. It's not how I was raised, and I can't keep a straight face or be creative enough to pull it off. But if I could, I'd aspire to be Chelsea Handler. She's crude, she's brilliant, and she's hilarious. Throughout reading this book, I kept shaking my head in admiration of her creative brilliance, and I was very, very thankful I don't work for her. If you like Chelsea at all (and I can understand how she's not everyone's cup of tea), you'll love this book.
I absolutely love Chelsea Handler! This book just needed more of her. It was primarily from the point of view from Chelsea's friends and family. The humor level just wasn't on par with her other books.
I always enjoy her stuff to some degree. This one was not in the same format as her previous works. The friends and family tell the pranks she has laid on them. It was very believable and I could so see all those things happening. It was decent, but not amazing for me. good but not great.
I've read all of Chelsea's other books. Loved them. They are all laugh-out-loud books. Chelsea manages to get herself into some seriously bazaar situations, and her quick wit seems to always be her saving grace. If you've ever wondered how or why "all" that seems to pile down on this one woman, after reading this book, you'll wonder no more...she welcomes crazy in and then full on embraces it.
This book is written by the people who fill Handler's day, not by Handler herself--which, of course-- you probably already know. The common theme in all the mini narratives is this: Chelsea lies, has huge boobs, pees her pants with alarming frequency, loves late night chicken fingers, drinks far to much and is overly generous. So, the moral is, although you're not getting Chelsea's voice from this book, you're getting the next best thing.
To be honest, not every essay is amazing (one even smacks seriously of Single White Female--now that is borderline scary) which is the reason I rated this book a 4 rather than a 5. It's worth the read, though. Seriously. If you're a fan of her comedy, her other publications or her show, you'll appreciate the raw way she infuses herself into the lives around her with a "take no prisoners" attitude. She spares no one, and inflicts the worst upon the ones she loves the most.