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Boundaries

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really liked it 4.00  ·  Rating details ·  818 ratings  ·  86 reviews
Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?
Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries many people are unaware of how or
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Paperback, 144 pages
Published November 9th 1993 by Touchstone (first published 1991)
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Krysti This is an example of healthy boundaries because the boss neutrally asked first. The employee has a chance to speak up and say no. In the other cases,…moreThis is an example of healthy boundaries because the boss neutrally asked first. The employee has a chance to speak up and say no. In the other cases, there is more assumption that the subject person wants to participate and therefore it takes more skills to say no.(less)
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really liked it Average rating 4.00  · 
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Greta is Erikasbuddy
I'm not sure how to rate a self help book that hasn't really helped me (as of yet). But it was a good quick read that gave me a couple of ideas.

This book was recommended by my therapist in order to help me understand that I have boundaries. The problems that I found when reading this was it really didn't explain how one explains these boundaries to another. The dialogue they suggested was just like reading a book or having a therapist/teacher explain it in a robotic tone. Because I don't like
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Erica
Apr 04, 2012 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book has very simple but extremely helpful material for creating healthy physical and emotional boundaries. If you have had problems with relationships, this may be worth taking a look at, as I found that there were so many things I was doing that were unhealthy. Becoming enmeshed with my partner instead of keeping my independence. It also explains a lot why those who have had situations in their childhood may struggle with these things more than others.
Leandra Vane
This is an older book, and I picked it up because I want to read more about boundaries. But I couldn't get over the way the book was written. I found the author's narration awkward and unorganized. The book spent far too much time on outlandish case studies and spent too little time unraveling and explaining them. There were a few good gems of information and advice, but the execution wasn't very good. I really only finished it because the book was so short. Overall, I don't think I'll be using ...more
Kate
May 12, 2011 rated it liked it
My therapist gave me this book to read. I understood the big message - boundaries are important and healthy. However, it was hard to apply some of the more specific messages to my life because all of the examples seemed SO extreme. Abuse, alcoholism, incest - these are things that I have no real experience with. I wish that the author had included a few "tamer" examples. This topic is something that almost everyone could use some help with and I learned a lot of good techniques and exercises to ...more
Adam
Sep 30, 2015 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A useful book, but not as actionable or relatable as her other book "Where to Draw the Line". This books deals with more extreme scenarios of neglect and sexual/physical/verbal abuse, whereas her other book addresses more common (and sometimes more widely accepted) types of boundary violations. Still a worthwhile read, though, just for the type of thinking it encourages (being an independent person, not self-erasing to meet others' needs, etc.)
emalee
Jul 22, 2018 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
This was okay. There are some references to God and the Bible, but the author is not focused on boundaries as it relates to her specific religion. In this book, there is a lot of focus on abuse in various relationships, and on physical/sexual boundary violations in particular. The first person stories can be a little upsetting.

I’m sure this book is helpful for some, but for the type of boundary setting I’m looking to do, this book was a little too intense. I’m hoping the author’s follow up novel
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Lauren
Sep 14, 2008 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
good fences make good neighbors. i used to walk away from conversations, meetings or visits feeling violated and i could not figure out why. i had excessive concern for everyone but myself. i needed some serious boundary repair so that rather than feeling defensive or that something was being taken from me, i could feel safe and secure stating my true and real feelings. this book helped me to recognize this character flaw in myself and put me on a path to fixing it.
Rose
I've been working on boundaries for years and years but this is first information I found that really explains them thoroughly: how they develop, what can sidetrack their healthy development, what that can cause and how to get back on track. It also includes writing exercises that provide personal insight. The text is really deep and I will probably read it over and over before I actually take in everything it has to say.
Jim
Oct 16, 2007 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: nonfiction
I can't say I really got that much out of it. Most of the stuff I was pretty much aware of, and it seemed heavily oriented toward individuals whose sexual boundaries were violated (which is not why I was reading it). It seemed a bit dated to me, as well. Maybe I was expecting something a little different. Also, does anyone get a little tired of reaing these type books and thinking that the "exercises" are a bit ridiculous? Maybe for some they're not, but I find them silly.
M Larsen
Jan 07, 2019 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Very outdated, heteronormative, and appallingly sex-negative. That said, the *exercises* are good & I learned some things. It’s not the world’s worst introduction to boundaries (that’d be ... this reviewer’s childhood) but it’s also a terrible book, and I’m sure there are better contemporary books on the subject out there.
Stephanie
I really like this book. I recommend it to lots of my clients. One must be cautious, however, some of the abuse stories can be disturbing. But it is a great book for teaching one to recognize where boundaries should be drawn in multiple situations.. work, family, friends, etc.
Jean
May 14, 2008 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A short, powerful book about boundaries - setting them, what constitutes good boundaries and bad boundaries, how development is impacted by boundary violations and the hope of healing and repairing. It shed light on boundaries in professional and personal relationships and provides understanding.
Joyce Nancy
An excellent introduction to boundaries. Needs some updating as it was written 25+ years ago. Also, the examples are pretty severe so proceed with caution if you're not into that. I learned a lot!
Angie
Jul 13, 2011 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
about physical and emotional boundaries b/t parents/children, bosses/employees, romantic partners, friends, strangers, etc.
Angelina
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
Lara
Jul 17, 2019 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: consent
This book is nearing 30 years old and I wanted to see how it held up. It does not.

The book is an absolute product of its time but offers very little helpful information now. The author has cherry picked situations that reaffirm the same mantra over and over: women don't have strong boundaries. The book is based entirely on how woman are treated as less than men and do not have proper boundaries. The true sadness in this book is that the author does the same thing. The way she treats women shows
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Mike
Feb 06, 2019 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
I don't know to what extent this book will aid me in formulating boundaries going forward, but I do know that I felt very rewarded by how much this book re-contextualizes and provides a very sturdy narrative to what had been going on with me. It's provided me with two of the most foolproof post-mortem relationship analyses I've yet to have stumbled upon. So, for that, I am grateful. It gave me a lot of thinking about, provided me an opportunity to put a name to - and admit - this issue I have ...more
Ee Cheng Ooi
May 22, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Yet another self-help book to add to the list. Many of the ones I read are, frankly, a complete waste of time and somewhat embarrassing to record as 'read'. I strive for completeness with my lists rather than a curated representation of how cool I am (mostly because let's face it, I haven't got a damn clue how to do that).

On the other hand, this book introduced me to a concept I had no prior experience with, and then gave me helpful ideas on how to implement it. It instantly changed how I think
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Stevie Stark
Jan 08, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommended by therapist and best book to start recovery!!

After years of unhealthy relationships, anxiety, depression, and other mental problems, I finally started seeing a therapist! Her first recommendation was this book after identifying all the ways I ignored who I was in favor of pleasing the world around me.

This book and the exercises in it are helping empower me to learn who I am, create boundaries, and start healing. The stories in it have been tough to handle reading as they dive into
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Denisa M.
Jul 19, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Short and often repetitive, but very informative and to the point. Simplified to appeal to even the most unaware and unconscious person out there. Great explanations of the significance of boundaries, how lack of boundaries can cause trauma, how dismissing boundaries can cause trauma, and of course, how to create healthy physical, sexual and emotional boundaries for ourselves as well as the children we may bring into this world... we can't possibly raise emotionally healthy children who are ...more
EL
May 07, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A great opener to boundary work

The writing is easy to read, while describing useful distinctions and exercises for boundary-building. The numerous case studies (in the form of first-person stories) are relevant and greatly helped to illustrate what boundaries look like, and what can happen when they are not there (as well as what happens when they are). For me, author’s findings and propositions seem sound; they corroborate my professional learning as an ontological coach, and describe my
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Sita
Sep 28, 2017 rated it liked it
Shelves: nonfiction
Good introduction to the concept of boundaries, how your personal boundaries can be violated, and talked about how to create or maintain healthy boundaries. I wanted more on how to create/maintain healthy boundaries. Lots of narrative pieces throughout to illustrate how boundaries are violated, but less on how to protect yourself. The exercises provided at the end of each chapter were not useful to me.
Aparna U
May 24, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book was very helpful for understanding boundaries and identifying boundary violations. It gave me a new perspective to look on things and understand why sometimes people and things seemed wrong even if I couldn't put my finger on it.Its astounding and horrifying the daily boundary violations that occur to you.This book is truly inspiring to change you and make you learn to become a little more stronger.A good addition to anyone who loves self-help books.
Angel Arturo
Jan 11, 2020 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Probably one of the best books alongside Models and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Definitely enjoyed it more than "Healing the shame that binds you". It provides cool and short exercises to practice boundary setting, with a strong focus on victims of rape and incest.

I think it's very practical and should be read by anyone struggling with boundaries.
Richard Gawlas
May 19, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
It throws you into the deep end right away, with some extreme examples of personal boundary violation, but ultimately for the reader’s benefit.

It paints boundaries in personal and professional settings, with actionable insights into how to identify, build and strengthen them.

A great read and very helpful.
Amy
Jul 26, 2019 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: therapy-books
Had some good information in it, but honestly I was not overly impressed. For a book specifically about boundaries it was not very direct and to the point. Too many vignettes that went on and on long past the point was made.
S.
Jul 27, 2018 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
This is a simple and straightforward guide to boundaries and what they are.

I would have given it four stars if it weren't for a couple of Xian moments. Force-feeding your religion to your readers is a boundary violation, so it's all the more bizarre that so many books on boundaries do it.
Christina
I wanted to love this book. But I didn’t. I felt like this book was geared towards people who have been abused in some form or other. I loved the stories but they seemed to pop up and disappear without rhyme or reason. Overall, I didn’t find very much to apply to my daily life.
Larissa
Dec 05, 2019 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Somehow I accidentally flipped to a chapter that started with descriptions of assault and I scared myself out of finishing the book. Honestly, to me it didn't feel as clear as Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend (even though that one is Christian). I may try to finish it in the future.
Lee
Nov 04, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Much better book than the other Boundaries book, minus all the religious crap. She touches on religion but it's not overly religious at all, and definitely not Christian-centered. If you want to read about boundaries, read this not the other one.
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“As much as we want to improve our relationships with our fathers or mothers, if your father, for example, hasn’t changed, he’ll probably hurt you again. His response is saying that he can’t handle more intimacy with you. Repeated efforts on your part won’t change this. No matter how much we love someone, they have the choice of holding to their limits. I have a certain relative I love very much. I’ve poured my heart out telling of my wish that we might be closer. I’ve been hurt a hundred times. So I finally got it. No matter how much I want to be closer to my relative, I can’t make him take his barrier away. He has a right to keep it. But I can protect myself from being hurt again. I can stop banging my head on his barrier.” 1 likes
“But both physical and emotional boundary development are harmed by distance violations, not just intrusion violations.” 1 likes
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