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Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others
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Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others

3.63  ·  Rating details ·  146 ratings  ·  16 reviews
Don't Be Nice, Be Real! is a lively, light approach to a deadly serious subject-our lives. It combines humor, radical wisdom, and new culture spirituality to teach the mechanics and spirit of Nonviolent Compassionate Communication to cure "Niceitis," a hereditary disease. The author has shown that nonviolent communication works wonders, in even the roughest of situations. ...more
Paperback, 320 pages
Published January 1st 2010 by Elite Books (first published 2002)
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Emma
Aug 08, 2008 rated it really liked it
Shelves: personal-growth
A little rough, but a good alternative to Marshall's sanitized prose. It's nice to have a different perspective on NVC, from someone who seems more like a real human struggling with it. I love you Marshall but are you an alien?

Uh, which is to say it met my needs for authenticity, inspiration, and support by providing lots of examples from his own life in full messy detail.

Contains what are likely useful insights on the Mars/Venus issues between men and women. Which don't exactly apply to us hom
...more
Antti Virolainen
This feels like the most important book for me lately.

Already from the title I could kind of guess that this may contain stuff that I need as I'm way too often guided by avoiding causing disappointment in others. The first part of the book does a good job in increasing the motivation and understanding of why that is not a good approach to life.

Then the book goes on giving lot of guidance and understanding on how to approach situations with Non-Violent Communication and not swallow one's own need
...more
Marshall
Apr 04, 2010 rated it it was ok
A book about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), based on the premise that we should stop trying to be so courteous and learn to be more honest about what is true for us. It provides a lot of interesting and amusing perspectives on NVC. This book is fun to read. The author has a way with words. However, there are a lot of typos, which made it feel unprofessional and unpolished. This is exacerbated by the author's tendency to talk a lot about himself and his insecurities.

Toward the end, he devotes a
...more
Sharon E.
Feb 18, 2008 rated it liked it
I am borrowing this book from my nonviolent communication class--wow, is it good!! It talks about the ways we make ourselves victims by not being honest and real about who we are, what we want, and so on. I would recommend this book to a handful of people I know but I think I'd better work on myself first!!!!
Taciana Nilo
Como não consegui terminar o livro (parei na metade), me questionei se estaria legitimada a avaliar a obra. Concluí que posso avaliar até onde li, então passo a fazê-lo. Desde o início, o autor n sabe exatamente o foco que pretende dar: o enfoque é no sujeito leitor que pretende ser mais autêntico e menos "bonzinho"? Ou o enfoque é a comunicação não violenta? Por mais que os dois temas estejam relacionados, já que a comunicação não violenta pressupõe não violentar aos demais, mas principalmente, ...more
Hannah Scanlon
Aug 10, 2017 rated it really liked it
This was a careful, thoughtful, sustained reflection on the theory of Non-Violent communication first developed by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. I recommend this to any person recovering from a harmful patriarchal family, church, or community structure in which power was used to domineer and control its members. Bryson gives us a glimpse into the possibilities for a community rift from poisonous connections to jealousy, fear and domination that characterize so much of the contemp ...more
Michelle Rosado
Jan 26, 2019 rated it liked it
This is a great nvc book. I’ve had to read this book twice, at two different phases of my life. Book is written in a way that can be seen as extreme and in the wrong hands, it can be detrimental. However, I highly suggest this book and recommend that people reflect and analyze for sometime, before considering any form of application.
Eric Schreiber
Sep 16, 2014 rated it liked it
I've been interested in NVC for some time, having read a few books before this one. I really enjoyed Kelly's stories and fresh perspective on how to live your life. I read this over a series of months, making slow progress reading before bed, putting it down when life got busy as well as for fiction on vacations. And yet I continued to turn back to the book and continue reading it, which in my mind is worth a lot - in other situations I've simply never gotten back to it. NVC has always seemed mo ...more
Meike
Sep 19, 2013 rated it it was ok
Shelves: gesellschaft, sprache
Bryson bietet zwar viele gute Beobachtungen und Lösungsvorschläge. Gerade gegen Ende des Buches gleitet er jedoch sehr ins spiritistische und religiöse ab, was das Buch sehr anstrengend zu lesen macht
Leela
Dec 06, 2007 rated it it was ok
Shelves: ministry, self-help
This wasn't as good as I'd hoped--I heard Bryson interviewed and really liked his ideas but there's a certain amount of crankiness that comes through in his writing that made it hard for me to mine for wisdom, much less enjoy the read. I don't recommend it, unfortunately.
Jacqui
Dec 16, 2014 rated it liked it
Shelves: spiritual
Not my favorite NVC book. I'd recommend other NVC books instead.
John
Apr 20, 2013 rated it it was ok
Got bored halfway through. Just read the title and you're set. Real includes: me first, empathy and honesty.
Amy
Nov 28, 2009 rated it it was amazing
We can all have what we need by communicating honestly with others.
Evie Burke
Feb 17, 2016 rated it did not like it
Chapters 1-10 really annoyed me - didn't like; it's supposed to get better in chapter 11 - it didn't, still annoyed me - didn't finish
Carol Mckinley
Dec 22, 2014 rated it liked it
This is a book about clear communication and investigative questioning for clear communication. Important tool for getting to your own truth and working with other's.
Rocklynn
Apr 04, 2008 is currently reading it
An NVC book. The writing is a bit rough, and riddled with puns, but it's helpful reading on the path to learning to be a more authentic person moment to moment.
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“When you use your energy and resources to punish people, you run out of energy and resources to protect people.” 10 likes
“and confused if someone does not appreciate their niceness. Others often sense this and avoid giving them feedback not only, effectively blocking the nice person’s emotional growth, but preventing risks from being taken. You never know with a nice person if the relationship would survive a conflict or angry confrontation. This greatly limits the depths of intimacy. And would you really trust a nice person to back you up if confrontation were needed? 3. With nice people you never know where you really stand. The nice person allows others to accidentally oppress him. The “nice” person might be resenting you just for talking to him, because really he is needing to pee. But instead of saying so he stands there nodding and smiling, with legs tightly crossed, pretending to listen. 4. Often people in relationship with nice people turn their irritation toward themselves, because they are puzzled as to how they could be so upset with someone so nice. In intimate relationships this leads to guilt, self-hate and depression. 5. Nice people frequently keep all their anger inside until they find a safe place to dump it. This might be by screaming at a child, blowing up a federal building, or hitting a helpless, dependent mate. (Timothy McVeigh, executed for the Oklahoma City bombing, was described by acquaintances as a very, very nice guy, one who would give you the shirt off his back.) Success in keeping the anger in will often manifest as psychosomatic illnesses, including arthritis, ulcers, back problems, and heart disease. Proper Peachy Parents In my work as a psychotherapist, I have found that those who had peachy keen “Nice Parents” or proper “Rigidly Religious Parents” (as opposed to spiritual parents), are often the most stuck in chronic, lowgrade depression. They have a difficult time accessing or expressing any negative feelings towards their parents. They sometimes say to me “After all my parents did for me, seldom saying a harsh word to me, I would feel terribly guilty complaining. Besides, it would break their hearts.” Psychologist Rollo May suggested that it is less crazy-making to a child to cope with overt withdrawal or harshness than to try to understand the facade of the always-nice parent. When everyone agrees that your parents are so nice and giving, and you still feel dissatisfied, then a child may conclude that there must be something wrong with his or her ability to receive love. -§ Emotionally starving children are easier to control, well fed children don’t need to be. -§ I remember a family of fundamentalists who came to my office to help little Matthew with his anger problem. The parents wanted me to teach little Matthew how to “express his anger nicely.” Now if that is not a formula making someone crazy I do not know what would be. Another woman told me that after her stinking drunk husband tore the house up after a Christmas party, breaking most of the dishes in the kitchen, she meekly told him, “Dear, I think you need a breath mint.” Many families I work with go through great anxiety around the holidays because they are going to be forced to be with each other and are scared of resuming their covert war. They are scared that they might not keep the nice garbage can lid on, and all the rotting resentments and hopeless hurts will be exposed. In the words to the following song, artist David Wilcox explains to his parents why he will not be coming home this Thanksgiving: Covert War by David Wilcox” 4 likes
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