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Naughty: Nine Tales of Christmas Crime
"It's the most wonderful time of the year," the old song tells us. But that doesn't mean the people celebrating it are always so nice. Criminals get the Christmas spirit, too!
In this collection of hilarious short stories, you'll see what the thieves, killers, psychos and scumbags are up to come the holidays...and it's not caroling door to door. Well, not unless they're casing the neighborhood for a break-in, as a rag-tag gang does in the title story. You'll also meet a mall elf menaced by a very, very bad Santa (in "I Killed Santa Claus"), a London police inspector hunting for the man who murdered Ebenezer Scrooge (in "Humbug"), a trucker out to save his shipment of Cabbage Patch Dolls from bumbling hijackers (in "Special Delivery") and many more characters you'll never forget.
Originally published in Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine and Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, these nine tales from award-winning short story master Steve Hockensmith (Holmes on the Range, Dreadfully Ever After) are sure to have you ho-ho-hoing from the first page to the last.
In this collection of hilarious short stories, you'll see what the thieves, killers, psychos and scumbags are up to come the holidays...and it's not caroling door to door. Well, not unless they're casing the neighborhood for a break-in, as a rag-tag gang does in the title story. You'll also meet a mall elf menaced by a very, very bad Santa (in "I Killed Santa Claus"), a London police inspector hunting for the man who murdered Ebenezer Scrooge (in "Humbug"), a trucker out to save his shipment of Cabbage Patch Dolls from bumbling hijackers (in "Special Delivery") and many more characters you'll never forget.
Originally published in Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine and Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, these nine tales from award-winning short story master Steve Hockensmith (Holmes on the Range, Dreadfully Ever After) are sure to have you ho-ho-hoing from the first page to the last.
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First published January 1, 2010
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About the author
Steve Hockensmith
97 books526 followersSteve Hockensmith is the author of the New York Times bestseller Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls and several other novels, including the Edgar Award finalist Holmes on the Range. He lives in Alameda, California.
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
August 27, 2019
These aren't traditional Christmas stories and they definitely aren't for the kiddies. They are a little dark, a little, twisted and just darn clever.
We have a desperate widow who once thwarted in love seeks to remedy the problem via poison but uses the wrong delivery system. We have a Mall Santa's helper who kills Santa We have a rogue Elf at the North Pole, a man who is saved by a Nativity scene and truck full of cabbage patch kids.
I have a bunch of highlights if you think they are funny you will probably like these stories.
We have a desperate widow who once thwarted in love seeks to remedy the problem via poison but uses the wrong delivery system. We have a Mall Santa's helper who kills Santa We have a rogue Elf at the North Pole, a man who is saved by a Nativity scene and truck full of cabbage patch kids.
I have a bunch of highlights if you think they are funny you will probably like these stories.
January 18, 2011
As the title suggests, the nine stories in Naughty all have a Christmas theme and involve a crime of some sort, and they are all also laced with a wicked sense of humor. And though a few characters – and a fruitcake – make appearances in more than one story, each stands on its own.
I enjoyed the entire collection from start to finish, but a few of the stories particularly stood out to me:
“Fruitcake” finds septuagenarian widow Ethel Queenan stalking the Always Sunny Trailer Park looking for a replacement for her dearly departed husband. Given that widows outnumber the widowers by about 5-to-1, competition is fierce. Ethel is therefore upset, murderously so, when virtual spring chicken (just sixty-five!) Connie Sandrelli swoops in and steals Ethel’s latest target out from under her. Evil plots involving fruitcake (recipe included) ensue.
“I Killed Santa Claus” is my second favorite of the collection. Poor Hannah Fox comes home for the final Christmas break of her college career only to find her mother has signed her up for elf duty at the mall’s annual Santa’s Workshop display. At first Hannah merely finds her co-workers annoying: fellow elf Arlo, the perpetual stoner; the mall’s Santa, who goes by “Big Buck” and has a very un-Santa Southern drawl; and Kev Kane, Big Buck’s miniature, elf sidekick. However, she soon begins to suspect Big Buck and Kev are up to no good and sets a trap for them…leading to some rather unexpected consequences.
“Special Delivery” is the tale of a Christmas that almost wasn’t for the children of one small town. It’s Christmas Eve in 1983 when long haul trucker Bass get a call that his services are urgently needed for an overnight run. When he’s told the insane amount of money he’ll be paid if he can get the shipment back by 10AM on Christmas morning Bass thinks surely he’s being enlisted to run guns or drugs. He’s told however that the cargo is much more precious – and valuable – than either of those. Bass will be running… Cabbage Patch Dolls. Yes, 600 of the might as well be made of gold toys are waiting to be picked up from a factory 500 miles away and delivered to the local Monkeyberry Toys in time for Christmas morning. Bass takes the job, but encounters some unexpected difficulty on the return trip that threatens to derail the Cabbage Patch express. “Special Delivery” is one of the more lighthearted tales in the bunch, and for those paying close attention also explains how Buck and Kev from “I Killed Santa Claus” ended up in Indiana to begin with.
“Naughty” sees the return of Hannah Fox from I “Killed Santa Claus.” One year post college graduation Hannah finds herself sill stuck in Indiana, though this Christmas season she’s graduated from elf duty to the gift wrapping station at the mall. When one of her customers makes extremely inappropriate advances, even going so far as to note that his wife is out of town and he does this all the time, Hannah decides that someone needs to “Grinch” the guy’s Christmas from him. She enlists stoner elf Arlo in a plan to relieve the lout of the expensive presents that, having wrapped them, Hannah knows are under his tree. Unfortunately Arlo brings two new people to the party, a duo known as Reptile and Diesel, whose lack of intelligence seems to be outweighed only by their extreme creepiness. Realizing this is not going to end well Hannah decides she wants to call the whole thing off, but Reptile and Diesel have other ideas.
“Red Christmas” is easily the most demented story in the bunch, and it’s also easily my favorite (’cause that’s just how I roll). Really, how can you not love a story that includes the murder of one of Santa’s elves (did you know elf blood smells like “gingerbread and peppermint and magic, with an undertone of paint and glue and sweat”), the kidnapping of Santa by KGB spies intent on overthrowing capitalism (for you young ‘uns out there, Google the term “Cold War”), a sword duel utilizing a soup ladle and candy cane as the weapons of choice, a bomb threat in Santa’s workshop, and the revelation that the reindeer on the B-Team have names such as Disco, Pac-Man, Yoda and Vader. Heck, there’s even a KISS reference slipped in at one point, and the dreaded fruitcake is back too, put to a most interesting use. “Red Christmas” is an incredibly enjoyable read, especially if you’ve had a glass or two of that special eggnog first.
Other stories include “Secret Santa” (presenting a rather Machiavellian twist on the age-old office tradition), “Humbug” (in which Inspector Bucket investigates the death of Ebenezer Scrooge, ingloriously flattened by a Christmas tree wagon), “Hidden Gifts” (by far the most serious story of the collection, it finds a very disillusioned young brother and sister searching for a reason to believe in the magic of the season again), and “Naivete” (featuring a reprise of Reptile and Diesel from “Naughty” in a seriously misguided plot to rob a church on Christmas Eve).
Every one of the stories in Naughty is top notch work, evidenced by the fact over the past 10 years all of them have previously been published in either Ellery Queen or Alfred Hitchcock Mystery magazines. So why don’t you do something nice for yourself and get Naughty?
PS – Be sure to read the copyright page, which is just as funny as any of the stories in the collection. Yeah, the copyright page. Hockensmith’s that good.
I enjoyed the entire collection from start to finish, but a few of the stories particularly stood out to me:
“Fruitcake” finds septuagenarian widow Ethel Queenan stalking the Always Sunny Trailer Park looking for a replacement for her dearly departed husband. Given that widows outnumber the widowers by about 5-to-1, competition is fierce. Ethel is therefore upset, murderously so, when virtual spring chicken (just sixty-five!) Connie Sandrelli swoops in and steals Ethel’s latest target out from under her. Evil plots involving fruitcake (recipe included) ensue.
“I Killed Santa Claus” is my second favorite of the collection. Poor Hannah Fox comes home for the final Christmas break of her college career only to find her mother has signed her up for elf duty at the mall’s annual Santa’s Workshop display. At first Hannah merely finds her co-workers annoying: fellow elf Arlo, the perpetual stoner; the mall’s Santa, who goes by “Big Buck” and has a very un-Santa Southern drawl; and Kev Kane, Big Buck’s miniature, elf sidekick. However, she soon begins to suspect Big Buck and Kev are up to no good and sets a trap for them…leading to some rather unexpected consequences.
“Special Delivery” is the tale of a Christmas that almost wasn’t for the children of one small town. It’s Christmas Eve in 1983 when long haul trucker Bass get a call that his services are urgently needed for an overnight run. When he’s told the insane amount of money he’ll be paid if he can get the shipment back by 10AM on Christmas morning Bass thinks surely he’s being enlisted to run guns or drugs. He’s told however that the cargo is much more precious – and valuable – than either of those. Bass will be running… Cabbage Patch Dolls. Yes, 600 of the might as well be made of gold toys are waiting to be picked up from a factory 500 miles away and delivered to the local Monkeyberry Toys in time for Christmas morning. Bass takes the job, but encounters some unexpected difficulty on the return trip that threatens to derail the Cabbage Patch express. “Special Delivery” is one of the more lighthearted tales in the bunch, and for those paying close attention also explains how Buck and Kev from “I Killed Santa Claus” ended up in Indiana to begin with.
“Naughty” sees the return of Hannah Fox from I “Killed Santa Claus.” One year post college graduation Hannah finds herself sill stuck in Indiana, though this Christmas season she’s graduated from elf duty to the gift wrapping station at the mall. When one of her customers makes extremely inappropriate advances, even going so far as to note that his wife is out of town and he does this all the time, Hannah decides that someone needs to “Grinch” the guy’s Christmas from him. She enlists stoner elf Arlo in a plan to relieve the lout of the expensive presents that, having wrapped them, Hannah knows are under his tree. Unfortunately Arlo brings two new people to the party, a duo known as Reptile and Diesel, whose lack of intelligence seems to be outweighed only by their extreme creepiness. Realizing this is not going to end well Hannah decides she wants to call the whole thing off, but Reptile and Diesel have other ideas.
“Red Christmas” is easily the most demented story in the bunch, and it’s also easily my favorite (’cause that’s just how I roll). Really, how can you not love a story that includes the murder of one of Santa’s elves (did you know elf blood smells like “gingerbread and peppermint and magic, with an undertone of paint and glue and sweat”), the kidnapping of Santa by KGB spies intent on overthrowing capitalism (for you young ‘uns out there, Google the term “Cold War”), a sword duel utilizing a soup ladle and candy cane as the weapons of choice, a bomb threat in Santa’s workshop, and the revelation that the reindeer on the B-Team have names such as Disco, Pac-Man, Yoda and Vader. Heck, there’s even a KISS reference slipped in at one point, and the dreaded fruitcake is back too, put to a most interesting use. “Red Christmas” is an incredibly enjoyable read, especially if you’ve had a glass or two of that special eggnog first.
Other stories include “Secret Santa” (presenting a rather Machiavellian twist on the age-old office tradition), “Humbug” (in which Inspector Bucket investigates the death of Ebenezer Scrooge, ingloriously flattened by a Christmas tree wagon), “Hidden Gifts” (by far the most serious story of the collection, it finds a very disillusioned young brother and sister searching for a reason to believe in the magic of the season again), and “Naivete” (featuring a reprise of Reptile and Diesel from “Naughty” in a seriously misguided plot to rob a church on Christmas Eve).
Every one of the stories in Naughty is top notch work, evidenced by the fact over the past 10 years all of them have previously been published in either Ellery Queen or Alfred Hitchcock Mystery magazines. So why don’t you do something nice for yourself and get Naughty?
PS – Be sure to read the copyright page, which is just as funny as any of the stories in the collection. Yeah, the copyright page. Hockensmith’s that good.
December 24, 2018
Christmas Crime
These are some fun stories about Christmas crimes that you can enjoy. The bad guys get the lumps snd the good guys get the gifts!
These are some fun stories about Christmas crimes that you can enjoy. The bad guys get the lumps snd the good guys get the gifts!
May 13, 2021
It’s okay.
December 26, 2023
A fun & enjoyable read! Fast-paced Christmas crime with the bonus of most of the characters linking up in one way or another. Entertaining collection of short stories!
August 12, 2016
First Line (from Introduction): Reading this collection, you might get the impression that I don't like Christmas.
Once you begin reading these nine short stories, you will know that first line simply is not true. Steve Hockensmith loves Christmas, he loves writing about crime, and when he can combine the two, it's magic.
Sometimes when I see a book cover or a title, I just know that I'm going to love the book, and this is what happened to me with Naughty. The nine stories run the gamut of yuletide criminal activity, and you'll be hard pressed not to read the entire collection with a smile on your face.
"Fruitcake" is a grin-inducing tale about the love-crazed shenanigans of an old woman in a nursing home. A young woman hired as an elf in a shopping mall tells us how "I Killed Santa Claus." The guy in the office that we all love to hate has an interesting experience with his "Secret Santa." In "Humbug" we learn that Scrooge is dead. A gift wrapper in the mall decides to get even with a "Naughty" lecher. In perhaps the most touching of the tales, a little girl and her even younger brother find a gift in their mother's closet in "Hidden Gifts." There's a plot against Santa in "Red Christmas," and two dim-witted burglars attempt to rob a church on Christmas Eve in "Naiveté." The last tale, "Special Delivery," about a trucker trying to deliver a shipment of Cabbage Patch dolls in time for Christmas, struck a special chord with me, since I worked retail during that particular toy craze. Occasionally characters from one tale will appear in another, and you'll greet them with a smile and a "Hey, I know you!"
These stories are little marvels that induce smiles, laughs, tender feelings, personal memories-- everything that the holiday season is about. It's a bonus for all crime fiction fans that they also contain a little murder and mayhem. I urge you all to read these short stories, and-- when you do-- read every bit of them: acknowledgements, notes, dedications... every single solitary scrap. You see, Steve Hockensmith sprinkles joy and laughter throughout the entire collection, and I wouldn't want you to miss a single comma, dot, or dash.
Once you begin reading these nine short stories, you will know that first line simply is not true. Steve Hockensmith loves Christmas, he loves writing about crime, and when he can combine the two, it's magic.
Sometimes when I see a book cover or a title, I just know that I'm going to love the book, and this is what happened to me with Naughty. The nine stories run the gamut of yuletide criminal activity, and you'll be hard pressed not to read the entire collection with a smile on your face.
"Fruitcake" is a grin-inducing tale about the love-crazed shenanigans of an old woman in a nursing home. A young woman hired as an elf in a shopping mall tells us how "I Killed Santa Claus." The guy in the office that we all love to hate has an interesting experience with his "Secret Santa." In "Humbug" we learn that Scrooge is dead. A gift wrapper in the mall decides to get even with a "Naughty" lecher. In perhaps the most touching of the tales, a little girl and her even younger brother find a gift in their mother's closet in "Hidden Gifts." There's a plot against Santa in "Red Christmas," and two dim-witted burglars attempt to rob a church on Christmas Eve in "Naiveté." The last tale, "Special Delivery," about a trucker trying to deliver a shipment of Cabbage Patch dolls in time for Christmas, struck a special chord with me, since I worked retail during that particular toy craze. Occasionally characters from one tale will appear in another, and you'll greet them with a smile and a "Hey, I know you!"
These stories are little marvels that induce smiles, laughs, tender feelings, personal memories-- everything that the holiday season is about. It's a bonus for all crime fiction fans that they also contain a little murder and mayhem. I urge you all to read these short stories, and-- when you do-- read every bit of them: acknowledgements, notes, dedications... every single solitary scrap. You see, Steve Hockensmith sprinkles joy and laughter throughout the entire collection, and I wouldn't want you to miss a single comma, dot, or dash.
December 19, 2014
It has been quite awhile since I have read short stories. This book was perfect for giving me funny and original tales of Christmas crime. These are not tales that you would find on the Hallmark Channel for Christmas stories.
There are nine short stories that were originally published in Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine or the Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine. Some of the characters repeat in the stories.
I enjoyed all the stories. The 1st short story Fruitcake reminded me of something my mother once told me. She said there was a good looking recent widow in her retirement community. She said he never had to cook as the single females were bringing him casseroles and sweets daily. Of course there was not a crime involved. He returned to the community the next winter and with him was a new bride. The casseroles stopped. So I got a chuckle out of that story.
The biggest laugh I had was in Naughty during the Christmas carolers scene. I could see the four culprits with their ski mask knocking at the doors in a nice neighbor and I could hear the dreadful singing that came out of their mouths. When they received a pity donation, I really laughed.
It was the first book I have read by Steve Hockensmith. He is a funny man and author. Enjoyed the book very much.
There are nine short stories that were originally published in Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine or the Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine. Some of the characters repeat in the stories.
I enjoyed all the stories. The 1st short story Fruitcake reminded me of something my mother once told me. She said there was a good looking recent widow in her retirement community. She said he never had to cook as the single females were bringing him casseroles and sweets daily. Of course there was not a crime involved. He returned to the community the next winter and with him was a new bride. The casseroles stopped. So I got a chuckle out of that story.
The biggest laugh I had was in Naughty during the Christmas carolers scene. I could see the four culprits with their ski mask knocking at the doors in a nice neighbor and I could hear the dreadful singing that came out of their mouths. When they received a pity donation, I really laughed.
It was the first book I have read by Steve Hockensmith. He is a funny man and author. Enjoyed the book very much.
December 7, 2010
A dark, slightly-twisted, often laugh-out-loud-funny collection of Christmas-themed crime stories. Every page from the copyright page (yes!) on is great fun. The stories range from the silly (a North-Pole murder mystery with Mrs. Claus playing detective) to the heart wrenching (a girl and her baby brother face a grim Christmas with their dysfunctional mother and her live-in, drug dealer boyfriend, and are delivered a present that nobody saw coming), and a whole range in between, many featuring lovable underdogs, bumbling crooks, and every-day monsters just begging for a stocking full of coal. Give yourself a treat with this enjoyable read.
December 3, 2014
This book had such a great title but the stories were only so so. I loved the Christmas pudding but not the re emerging duo of stupid criminals. The only thing worse would have been if they had reformed. The cabbage patch doll story would have been a lot more suspenseful if the truck driver had wanted a doll for his kid but he was just along for the ride so the story fell flat. I liked the teenage girl at the mall who killed Santa. That was a good story. Some mild violence ( think Home Alone) no hard language, no sex. Talk of drug use.
March 1, 2014
All nine of these short stories have been previous released, but I got a kick out of them because I hadn't read them before. From a murder at the North Pole to a suspicious mall Santa and a murderous fruitcake, this one has it all. Some humor and light crime - what could be more perfect at Christmas?
Read my full review at Carstairs Considers.
Read my full review at Carstairs Considers.
January 25, 2013
Hilarious! I loved how the tales were often interwoven with each other. But my favorite was the last one, which involves Cabbage Patch dolls and an overworked truck driver.
My only regret is that it took me so long to get around to reading these!
My only regret is that it took me so long to get around to reading these!
December 31, 2012
This is a collection of short Christmas stories, and they're all quite funny and definitely not what you'd expect of Christmas tales. Bad Santas, bad criminals, some stoned elves, and a lot of other naughty characters make this collection quite a surprising pleasure to read!
November 13, 2014
Great fun collection of humourous crime stories set around Christmas. I really dug these, my favorite being the death of Ebeneezer Scrooge. That one was very cool and damned funny. The only thing, the cover for this book is horrible.
January 7, 2011
My blog post about this book is at this link.
December 14, 2010
You can read my thoughts here.
September 10, 2016
It is not often that all the stories In a short story collection are all original, funny and timely .
December 28, 2015
collection of shortish stories. I like his writing!
December 27, 2015
Another seasonal favourite.
Read again, December 27th, 2015.
Read again, December 27th, 2015.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews