The heir & The help.
Ye gods, to quote the hero after fucking housekeeper heroine silly (author’s words, not mine) : Sweet, ever-loving, merciful, abiding Christ, this imaginary, logic-and-conventions defying cocktail left me spaced out. The grandma of all wallpaper-ish regency tales is rife w/ B.S., choppy & incoherent story-telling, chatty characters, overabundance of PDA, a plethora of repetitions, H/h inexplicably calling each other by full names, nonsensical storyline, over-consumption of lemonade, marzipan & muffins, heroine’s fondness for teething hero’s nipples, non-existent conflict that gets overstretched beyond breaking point, dubious Regency setting, low H/h’s tension, unexplained name-dropping, mute & deaf sista getting a miraculous cure, over-achieving characters etc. U name it, this under-rated boatwreck got it. Don’t bother w/ the plot, the honorable mentions :
As always, the antennae went on overdrive when certain words popped out like blooming zits. Part of the fun of e-version is its useful search engine :
Ye gods = 14 X
Lemonade = 52 X (iced / sweetened / unsweetened). Gas X, anyone ?
Marzipan = 28 X
Muffins = 7 X
Fairly = 41 X
Flowers = 50 X
Piano = 25 X
Anna Seaton = 40 X
Gayle Tristan Montmorency Windham = 5 X (low output compared to above but worth mentioning)
Hero’s oh-so-shexy pick up line : “Let me be blunt : I want to fornicate w/ U. Urgently.”
Slow-on-the-uptake response : “Urgently,” Anna repeated, still perplexed.
Gayle (chick-like name) = Horndawg hero :
After pissing,
<< He shook himself off, gave himself a few affectionate strokes, then buttoned up. >>
Then plucking her a rose afterwards (How romantic, piss-smelling rose was du jour).
~ In the midst of a severe chicken pox, his boner stirs @ the thought of heroine cum caretaker aka eazy lay. Forget the itchiness, fever, etc, his dong has a life of its own.
~ The chaste heroine wakes up to a scene of hero manhandling himself.
~ He admits to heroine that during his Uni days, he jerked off several times a day. `
~ During a sumptuous picnic, heroine gives hero a hand job. In broad daylight. Under pretense that he needs her to check out his property. He neglected to mention it’s the personal property in his pants that needed to be checked out. Apparently the twit didn’t read between the lines on her shady job description : “Perform extra tasks as assigned”, U gotta give her brownie points for flexibility, raising the bar & purple staff when necessary.
Family blessings :
Hella weird that everyone has a blasé attitude about hero bangin’ / wanting to marry his over-achieving housekeeper. Brothers, parents, cousin, ex-fiancee don’t even twitch an eyebrow cuz they seemingly live an insular existence. Other than immediate family, household staff & the amateur villains, none of the characters have any encounters w/ society. No balls, no social rounds, no by-chance bumping into nozy acquaintance, no work other than dictating letters & having heroine perform as temp P.A. No wonder the H/h’s hanky panky going-ons go under the radar. The only witness is hero’s bro, who happens to walk in while hero tries to dick ram bone heroine on the couch. No biggie, he won’t blab. In fact, he non-chalantly encourages bro to tie the knot w/ the housekeeper, lower status & ducal expectations be damned. How funny. My buck teeth have more gaps than the social discrepancies between the heir to dukedom & the help.
Heroic hero takes 1 for the team :
To avoid the duke’s constant nagging to procreate, Val, hero’s younger bro, pretends to swing for the other team. A stroke of genius, except that peeps’ gaydar back then was on alert mode cuz it’s supposedly illegal.
The conflict :
So what does an author do when external conflict is a no-go cuz family blessings are effortlessly secured ? Drumroll plz. Wait 4 it…. Create a suspenseless mystery involving the heroine’s pimp bro & her alleged fiancé. And the 2 buffoons try to kidnap heroine in broad daylight, in plain sight of the protagonists. Verra subtle. Talk ‘bout digging their own grave.
Lemonade & marzipan over-consumption :
Had no idea these were so popular in this era, particularly in this unnatural household. I’ve been misled. I always thought those stiff upper lips only drink tea. Lemonade for all occasions, even when the duchess visits ? I’m fairly sure the reason hero relieves himself way more often than normal, is due to over-imbibing gallons of lemonade. Moderation in Regency era = a foreign concept ?
How close was hero’s property to adjacent neighbors ?
@ 1 % : << He heard his neighbor playing the piano late @ night, … >>>
It was mentioned that hero had to clean up the financial mess left by his sire, but how reduced were his circumstances ? I used to rent a seedy apartment where the walls were so paper thin that everytime my next-wall neighbor burped / let his ass rip, every decibel of the horrifying sounds could be heard. But still, I can’t imagine the Earl’s abode was Monopoly-sized & so close to his next-door neighbors that he could hear the neighbor playing the piano, unless bombastic speakers were installed in the neighborhood. Turns out it’s his multi-talented housekeeper showing off her skills @ pianoforte. Also, the help taking liberties w/ musical instrument w/ the master in the same domain, that is a career suicide, U’d think.
The meddling Duke :
So we’re told repeatedly of his machinations to get his heir hitched. When hero’s mistress gets preggers & stupidly tries to pass it off as his, the Duke himself approves. Say what ? Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of wanting to leave a legacy B4 his expiration date, if it ain’t the fruit of hero’s loins ? What a knucklehead.
Untimely name-dropping :
So outta left field, a half-baked backstory comes out that hero used to be miserably engaged to Gwen who actually had the hawtz for 1 of hero’s BFFs. His ex-fiancee’s daughter, Rose, calls hero - “uncle”, calls her dad - “stepdad” & calls the Duke -“grandfather”. Did some pertinent history get snipped in the editing room ?
Then we have the off-screen Viscount Fairly. Based on the info dump :
~ He’s a Viscount, a trusted family physician cum friend cum relation of hero’s ex-fiancee.
~ He owns a whorehouse.
~ He cherry-picks his medical cases. When hero gets chicken pox, this so-called physician refuses to attend him, w/ the excuse that he doesn’t know if he’s got chicken pox yet & his mum couldn’t provide him w/ info either. Didn’t he take the Hippocratic oath ? I must be in the wrong profession. I had no idea we have the option to pick & choose. So heroine steps in as caretaker, just ‘cuz she’s had chicken pox as a child, so she’s an expert.
~ He miraculously cures heroine’s sista’s deafness, despite Val’s heads up that doc Fairly ain’t the expert in deafness field. All it takes is a few Q-tips – or whatevah the hell it was he used - to scrape off some scar tissues. Suddenly she turns into a chatterbox as soon as she steps outta his townhouse. Yeah pull my other leg puhleaze. No rusty windpipe @ all ?
~ He holds a ball (off screen).
~ He’s a philanthropist. He & his in-laws underwrite the expenses of a ball to be held by the duchess.
~ He lets Val tinker w/ his piano.
~ He owns stables of fillies. That’s where Dev, hero’s other bro, hangs out.
~ He employs a loyal guardian street urchin, who stakes out @ hero’s premises, unbeknownst to hero.
So all of the above : a bait for future book ? Hell if I know. He’s supposedly already married. I’m confused. What’s the purpose of constant references ?
PDA :
Well I’ve nevah encountered a family so lovey-dovey & showy w/ PDA. The characters seem to luv hugging. A lot. Heroine hugs hero & vice versa. The duke hugs hero. Hero hugs his bros. Lotsa quality bonding time. Younger bro telling hero : “Love U too.” Awww… all that’s missing is a group hug ! Duke & Earl discussing symptoms of pregnancy when heroine inexplicably turns into a leaky wench @ the final stage of the story. Having sired 10 offsprings, @ 1 point the duke grills hero if heroine’s chest is tender. TMI ?
Full-name calling :
Whazzup w/ hero incessantly calling heroine Anna Seaton ? And heroine calling hero Gayle Tristan Montmorecy Windham ? Over & over again. Pretentious much ? What if he’s unfortunately named “Ream My-Ass Humperdinck Windham” ? Some nutty parents named their kids per sentimental value.
Self-promo / false ads ?
@ the verra end, “About the author” :
<< GB is the pen name for a prolific & award-winning author of historical romances. >>
Intentional hilarity, or a big whopper ? What do U call Jayne Anne Krentz, Danielle Steel & Diana Palmer, who must’ve cranked out 1 book even in their sleep ? A super duper prolific writer ? Hardy har har.
Acknowledgments :
<< It takes a village to transform a 1st-time book U’re reading now. >>
Which begs the question, did the villagers drink over-sweetened lemonade & eat marzipan into a lethargic stupor that they forgot to pass on the memo that the book’s supposed to be a Regency ? As in, historical era ?