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Sh*t My Dad Says

(Sh*t My Dad Says #1)

3.99  ·  Rating details ·  133,151 ratings  ·  8,090 reviews
After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:
"That woman was sexy. . . . Out
ebook, 176 pages
Published May 4th 2010 by Dey Street Books
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3.99  · 
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 ·  133,151 ratings  ·  8,090 reviews

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May 27, 2010 rated it it was amazing
Let's see. Is there any doubt at all in anyone's mind what the following words mean: sh*t, F*ck, G*d da*n, m*therf*cker, etc. Especially people who claim to be offended by "bad" words. Are you any more likely to be injured if I typed "fuck" instead of "f*ck?" There's this really stupid notion that asterisks somehow cleanse a word. Frankly, folks, whether you are offended by something is up to you. When I type fuck I have no intent to offend, it's just a silly word, an expression. If you choose t ...more
Feb 08, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Well, this was fun!
I actually liked I Suck at Girls a tad better, but I think it's because I read that one first. And while Halpern's father is extremely funny, once you hear a few of his zingers the magic wears off a bit.


The gist? I think everyone already knows about this book and the Tweets that started it all. I'm pretty sure the blurb takes care of whatever curiosity most readers have, but (if you're too lazy to read the blurb) the short version is that Justin started Tweeting the shit his
Jul 05, 2010 rated it liked it

On Today’s Hairstyles

“Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”

On Canine Leisure Time

“The dog is not bored. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik’s Cube. He’s a goddamned dog.”


My father-in-law, also Jewish, looked like a less fierce version of Justin Halpern’s dad, and although he didn’t use the word “fuck” nonstop he also dispensed some acerbic wisdom here and there.

Sh*t My Dad Says ha
Diane S ☔
Jan 16, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Politically incorrect, irreverent, with a liberal smattering of profanity, vulgar at times but oh so funny. Probably many of us know someone just like Justin's dad, a truthful, no holds barred type of person but with a very big heart underneath. A man who when it really counts will do, anything for his family. This was a laugh out loud, amusing look at one such man, a self made man who came from poverty to working on cancer research in nuclear medicine, a man who has blunt advice for his son of ...more
Dec 07, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
While browsing the library for a book to read (preferably a humorous one at that), I stumbled upon Justin Halpern's Sh*t My Dad Says. I then proceeded to open up the light read on a random page to see if it'd capture my attention... And it succeeded in making me laugh out loud with this one passage:

On Bob Saget’s Demeanor While Hosting America’s Funniest Home Videos

“Remember that face. That’s the face of a man who hates himself.”

What follows is a book that delivers pretty much everything I've be
Anna M.
2016 Genre Challenge : Non-Fiction

This book was funny, or it had some laugh out loud moments.... But I think I went into expecting something a little different. I guess reading the blurb, I thought it would be about a twenty something guy living with his seventy four year old father and the antics of an older gentleman. In reality, this book was about the authors father and everything he remembers his father saying as he was growing up. It's like a reverse "my child's funniest phrases" book. For
Heather K (dentist in my spare time)

How fabulous was that?!

I was expecting this book to be funny and quotable, but I wasn't expecting it to be so touching.

I think when I heard the concept for this book I expected Sam Halpern to be kind of a dick. A funny dick, but a sort of mean and grumpy person. Though he is really direct, I was shocked at how kind and loving Sam Halpern was. Hilarious and supportive, that is how I would describe him.

This book was like a humorous lesson in valuing family. As a parent, I related to SO much of t
May 05, 2010 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
To echo what others have said this book is hilarious. It’s also sweet and touching. Justin’s dad is a gruff Vietnam vet, retired research doctor who is honest to a fault. He’s someone who knows himself and has the courage and a burning need to speak his mind. He also loves his family to distraction. Justin’s dad is Jewish and his mom a quiet, loving Catholic and though their child rearing approaches seem as different as their religions they make a good parenting team.

Here are a few quotes which
Feb 10, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
The idea for Sh*t My Dad Says was first introduced to the world by author Justin Halpern when he began posting quotes from his father online. Buoyed by the overwhelming popularity of the posts, he put the stream of sagacity down into an expanded book form and this was published in 2010.

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”

Profane, sometimes vulgar, but very, very funny Halpern fills this book with quotes he an
Natalie Monroe
“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”

This is Sam Halpern, father of Justin Halpern, the author. He's very blunt and unapologetic.

“I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.”

He cares deeply about his son's welfare.

“Don't touch that knife. You never need to b
On Deciding to Use His Senior Discount for the First Time
“Fuck it, I’m old. Gimme free stuff.”

When 28-year-old Justin Halpern’s girlfriend breaks up with him and he loses his apartment too, he finds himself moving back in with his parents. His 73-year-old dad Sam is retired and spends his days at home, so the guys spend a lot of time together. Halpern Senior has an opinion about everything and doesn't sweet-talk his way around it, he says exactly what he's thinking and doesn't give a shit abou
Steph Sinclair
Well, that was something I don't read everyday. I don't think I've ever read a book that had the ability to make me laugh out loud on one page and cringe on the next. When I first picked up Sh*t My Dad Says, I had no idea it originated from Halpern's twitter page. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I can see why the twitter page, which compromised of random quotes from Halpern's dad, would be a hit. It's just the right amount of comic relief you may need while wasting precious hours of your life scr ...more
Sep 06, 2015 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: audio
I'm not cool enough to do Twitter (I suspect I'm appearing less cool by the second it use Twitter? Do Twitter? Tweet? Whatever!! I'm old!) point is, I'm not sure how I even heard of this book, but I am so, so glad I found it. I cannot remember the last time I laughed this hard. The audio was fantastic. I'm pretty sure anyone who saw me at the Y today has solidified their opinion that I must be a total lunatic. It was that funny!
This dad is an enigma: clearly brilliant, yet seeming
Laura the Highland Hussy
Review posted on Got Fiction?

I bought this for my husband and I later found it in the bathroom (choice male reading space). So my husband endorses the hilarity of this book too ;)

Holy crap is this book hysterical! His dad comes off as some redneck jerk of a dad, but actually used to be in nuclear medicine! And the sayings, I mean, silly stuff from vacations, like we've all had to share a bed with a cousin, or a relative at a family reunion, but when little Justin Halpern complains about sharing
Jul 31, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Got this book this morning in Morrison's from the donation table and I've read it through laughing all the way. :)
Justin Halperns Dad is an absolute star. He is wise, honest, funny, angry, protective of his home, the part where he is crawling naked on floor with a shot gun at 2am because he heard a noise in the kitchen had me in stiches.:) He is foul mouthed (he says the f word ..a lot) and I love him to bits.
Thank you Justin Halpern for introducing your magnificent Dad to me, he is hilarious. :
Jun 12, 2010 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Wondering who's going to take over for David Sedaris now that he's moved to France and used up all his family anecdotes? Justin Halpern is here to save us. Shit My Dad Saysis basically, one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. He truly demonstrates how a skilled writer can take his Twitter feed and turn it into a legitimately hilarious, well written, and poignant read.
Dec 12, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Re-read only a few months later :-P
Original read: December 2016
Re-read: Feb 2017

Listened to this with my brother when I rode with him to work and with my mom when we went shopping.. both gave me"WTH are we listening to?" look but they laughed too so I count it as a win:)

If you are sensitive to swearing, this book does have quite a bit but never in a mean way

Justin's Dad grew on me fairly quickly.. I have a family member who swears like she gets paid by the word so initially I was wary of how Sam
Jan 23, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book is indeed funny, but it is also a love letter from a son to his father. Throughout the pithy and vulgar thoughts on the mundane of everyday life that Mr. Halpern's father rants about, one can see that this is a dad who loves his son and only wants what is best for him.
If you put aside the crude language, which is where much of the humor comes from, you will see that Mr. Halpern's father actually has some pretty sound ideas about the world and this thing we call life. He may be brusque
Jan 14, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: cracked-me-up
4 Stars!
Seen this floating around on GRs and needed a laugh so I grabbed it.
If you're wanting a laugh this is a quick read that will have you giggling in no time!
Justin's dad is a hoot! If you don't like cussing in books then I'd stay away from this one because Justin's dad loves to say fuck!
Everybody knows that's one of my favorite words so it didn't bother me at all. lol
I loved this! I will probably be reading the next one called More Shit My Dad Says when I'm in need of more giggling. lol
John Egbert
Apr 25, 2011 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: Nobody.
Recommended to John by: Cory
How Not To Write A Book

Assume Your Audience

My audience is white, black, Hispanic, likes popcorn, pizza, blue, orange, they'll find this funny, they won't find this funny, etc etc. Never assume your audience. This book's first mistake was making a joke of which I found in particularly bad taste. I will not mention said joke here, because it isn't important. The only thing I'll say is that I did not find it funny, and it turned me away.

Never assume anything about your audience. If you're going to
I’m not sure how I feel about this book. On the one hand, I get pretty annoyed when alarmists decry the rise in ebook sales as “The End of Literature!” Not all new technologies and trends have to be world-ending. On the other hand, I get pretty depressed about all of these humorous blogs being essentially repackaged as “books” and sold*. And this one isn’t even from a blog! It’s from a twitter feed. Really? Maybe that’s the next big thing, but there’s a large part of me that feels like a bunch o ...more
May 08, 2019 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Just the feel-good book that I needed. Funny, short and surprisingly wholesome.
Kelly H. (Maybedog)
This has got to be the funniest book I have ever read. I read it in one sitting (not hard because it's fairly short) even though I was just glancing at it before getting to my mystery thriller (a lot harder since the latter was fairly enthralling). I was laughing out loud through much of it even though I was alone, and at time I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe. Although at a couple of points I thought, "Wow, this was probably kind of almost abusive parenting" I am excessively sensiti ...more
I needed  a light, funny read to help me deal with some sadness, and this helped. I don't usually find funny books funny (I'm looking at you Seriously... I'm Kidding), but this was an exception.

The author's dad is quite a character.  He just tells it like he sees it without a second thought or regret, never censoring himself, that's for sure.  His language--a**hole, bullsh*t, and the f-bomb are used constantly-- might offend some delicate ears, but so be it.  If the f word offends you, you may w
Having grown up with a curt sarcastic father, I thought I'd enjoy reading the snide comments of and family stories about someone else's terse sardonic dad. Although I laughed out loud several times as I read this, there was such an undercurrent of mean-spiritedness that I found it unsettling, and the book ultimately undoes its own humor.
Jan 06, 2011 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: male-protagonist
Alright, alright I should've known better than to read a book with a title like that. Me being me, I don't particularly like excessive swearing. I can take some but seriously, this dad puts high-school students and frat boys to shame. And just a little tidbit f*** is not a noun or adjective, it's a verb. Words can’t do it and neither can non-living objects. Though I should mention that the man is intelligent—he is a science guy, professor I believe. But I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say ...more
This book is fucking amazing! Shit. Am I swearing too much after reading it? Well, FUCK!

P.S. Seriously though, I loved this book. It's funny, heartwarming and full of wisdom. The fact that this guy exists makes me want to hug the world. Also, it can double as a parenting manual.
Dec 13, 2013 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Fuuuuuuuuuck! I could kick myself. I have avoided this book for so long, thinking that it would be lame, like Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions, but then Audible was having a sale, and this was like $4, AND they had recently credited me $10 for being awesome... or buying audiobooks or something. So I decided to take the chance on it, and a better $4 I could not have had Audible spend on me today.

I fucking loved listening to the shit that Justin Halpern'
Feb 06, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This was a hoot & very well done. I love a well turned phrase & how Sam, Justin's dad, thinks. Justin is about the same age as my boys, so I could really relate. Sam & I seem faced a lot of the same issues with the same attitudes.

The problem with a math teacher is similar to one we had. They sent my first grader home with a calculator - twice. The second time it was returned by my son in pieces in a baggie. I followed up with a visit in which the teacher returned to the class fuming
Jul 26, 2012 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I have to say I don't normally read books like this, but it was cheap on my nook so I bought it looking for a quick funny read. I have to say this book was so funny I woke my husband up on more than one occasion laughing out loud and shaking the bed! So funny!
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I'm 29. I live with my 74-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says.

In the pic, I am on the far right and dad is one the far left. That's a friend between us.

Other books in the series

Sh*t My Dad Says (2 books)
  • More Sh*t My Dad Says
“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.” 186 likes
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.” 114 likes
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