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336 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 3, 2011
In other plot news Sookie finally clears out the loft, which she spent the whole of the last book harping on about. Since it’s mainly full of decayed and rotten items of furniture which have been there for countless decades I can only assume her whole house reeks of festering damp and mould. After this a whole lot of nothing happens for so long that even Sookie feels moved to admit that she’s a rather mundane character. During this drought of action she does her hair, goes shopping, has something to eat, watches Jeopardy! and witters on about such thrilling subjects as being a Christian and how nice it would be to have a locker at work, for many, many pages. We also learn that Sookie’s deceased grandmother used to bitch about people wearing white wedding dresses when they weren’t virgins, which seems like their own business to me. Then Sookie has her hair done again, and gets a new dress. Then she goes to visit a new vampire club, where Harris’ obsession with Elvis rears its head again.
After this Sookie finally finds the random magical item in the attic that Harris has been hinting about for the last book and a half. Then Sandra Pelt tries to kill her again, several times in fact. Also, Harris brings back Sookie’s witch friend in order that she perform a pointless spell that endangers Sookie’s life whilst achieving nothing. Then the reader is treated to yet another incident involving a stalker ex breaking into Sookie’s bedroom for sexual reasons, which as usual is portrayed as being no big deal, because after all “It’s always nice to be wanted”. After this pointless interlude Sookie wanders around for a while ruminating on whether or not she should build a garage (or carport, as she insists on calling it) before being suddenly attacked by a mystery assailant for what must be the 50th time. This particular attack leads to the only chase I have ever read in which the pursued victim feels it wise to strip completely naked and hide in a hole with an unconscious naked man, which is unusual if incredibly ridiculous. I found Sookie being trapped in a dark, confined space with a comatose but potentially dangerous Bill to be redolent of the very similar rape scene several books back, featuring the same protagonists. However Sookie’s rape had absolutely no psychological effect on her whatsoever, and so she fails to recall it or respond in any way to a near repeat of the incident several paragraphs later.
The plot continues to go nowhere. Sookie and all the usual characters drone on about their plot to kill another vampire for vague and uninteresting reasons. Since they’ve been going on about this planned murder since the previous book without doing anything these discussions are hardly riveting. Meanwhile we hear every monotonous detail of how Sookie cleans her house for a “baby shower”, and what predictable presents she has bought for the babies. Eventually Sookie and her various undifferentiated allies succeed in the murder attempt they have been droning on about interminably via the medium of Harris’ aforementioned Elvis obsession, which has afflicted most of her characters with great severity. After this Sookie has a weird masochistic incident with Eric, and suddenly decides to tell the readers that she couldn’t watch more than a few seconds of an unspecified “Saw” movie because it was too gory, which seems disingenuous considering the number of massacres she has been personally involved in. We also learn that Sookie’s grandmother would not have considered using her special magical wishing device to cure her daughter of her terminal cancer because “she didn’t think it would be Christian”, which doesn’t say much for Christians. Then Sandra Pelt turns up for yet another unsuccessful attempt to kill Sookie and is put out of her misery. The end.
Stupidest New Character Names
Mustapha Khan (This even earns a “Seriously?” from Sookie)
Hod and Kelvin Mayfield
Most Vacuous and Malibu-Stacyesque Statement
“Grooming always makes you feel better”
"No thank you." I said it immediately. "I would hate to see the fangbangers come in night after night, always wanting what they shouldn't have. It's just sad and bad."
“I can't believe this is happening in our country, and me a veteran. Born and bred in the USA."
“you have a pair of breasts that should win the Miss America Tit Competition”
“Eric loved monkey sex.”
“The ice pack had done all the good it was going to, and I removed it from my yahoo palace”