Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell

by Keith Waterhouse

Gambler, journalist, fervent alcoholic and four-times married Jeffrey Bernard writes the "Low Life" column for the Spectator magazine chronicling Soho life as well as offering a very personal philosophy on vodka, women and race-courses. From this, Keith Waterhouse has brilliantly constructed a play (the title being the euphemism used by the Spectator when Bernard is incapable of writing his column) which is set in the saloon bar of Bernard's favourite Soho pub, the Coach and Horses. Having passed out in the lavatory, Bernard awakes in the early hours of the morning to find himself alone and in the dark. Unable to contact the landlord, he is resigned to spending the rest of the night with a bottle of vodka and an endless chain of cigarettes, narrating a story of hilarious anecdotes and witty reminiscences which are enacted by two actors and two actresses who bring to life the various characters who populate Jeff 's world. Starring Peter O'Toole, later succeeded by Tom Conti then James Bolam, the play enjoyed a hugely successful run at the Apollo Theatre, London.

Genres: Plays, London

41 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1991

About the author

Keith Spencer Waterhouse CBE, was a novelist, newspaper columnist, and the writer of many television series.

Reviews

[Manny]

Jeffrey Bernard, one of Britain's best-loved alcoholics, died within a couple of days of Lady Di. His passing was consequently ignored by most of the media, but Private Eye, who had always taken a dim view of the Queen of Hearts, enjoyed bucking the trend. I particularly liked their poetic tribute; I'm surprised not to be able to locate it, but from memory it went roughly as follows:

And it seemed to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the bar
When there's been a power cut
And no one knows where they are
So goodbye Jeffrey Bernard
You will be sadly missed
In England's green and pleasant land
You were always pissed.

I don't think this is quite right. Does any long-time PE fan have the relevant issue to hand?

[Margaret Bell]

Oh I just love this play -- if only Peter O'Toole was avaialble ... oh it would be such fun ...
but such a challenge to whomever would be playing Jeffrey Bernard.

[Bettie · Rating 5 out of 5]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b065rn7t

Description: Starring John Hurt. A dying Soho, seen through the eyes of the notorious columnist of The Spectator - plain-speaking drinker, gambler, wit and raconteur. With frequent, very strong language.

Keith Waterhouse's biographical play of Jeffrey Bernard is a recreation of a time in London when poets, painters, artists and writers (Dylan Thomas, Francis Bacon, Lucien Freud, and Elizabeth Smart) lived alongside the local Low Life of No Knickers Joyce and Sid the Swimmer, inhabiting the clubs and pubs of Dean Street. Jeffrey knew and wrote about all of them.

The play is set very early in the morning at the Coach and Horses pub in Soho, where Jeffrey spent most of his days, when not 'at the Races'. The Coach and Horses was his 'office'. Jeffrey has passed out in the Gents, missed closing time and wakes up to find himself alone in the pub with the door locked. He spends the night re-visiting incidents in Soho past and present, his childhood, gambling, women, racing and drink - fuelled by vodka.

Alongside John Hurt in the lead role, the cast includes Nichola McAuliffe, Jeff Rawle, Amelia Bullmore and Miles Jupp.

Recorded on location in Gerry's Club in Dean Street Soho

[Oliver · Rating 3 out of 5]

Waterhouse's homage to the late Bernard. The play - largely a monologue, is set in the Coach and Horses pub in Soho, where the protagonist has been locked in overnight after falling asleep. The title refers to the euphemism used by the Spectator magazine when Bernard was too drunk to write his column; a column that ultimately became about being a Soho drunk. It's not really a play about anything very much, it's more a stapling together of Bernard's amusing anecdotes about landlords, ex-wives, gambling etc. It's a play that has aged fast, but deserves to be filed under Soho literature.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Waterhouse should have done the decent thing and given Bernard co-writing credit, since most of the play was either lifted bodily or paraphrased from Bernard's columns. But he did an even better thing by splitting the take with Bernard, which made the alcojournalist reasonably well-off for what may have been the first time in his adult life.

Still, if you've read Low Life: A Kind of Autobiography and Reach for the Ground, you already know pretty much everything here. And as for the play's "egg trick," mentioned reverently in stories about Bernard as if it was the comedy equivalent of the Feeding of the Five Thousand, well, I guess you had to be there. Even so, a loud laugh every few pages.

[Joe Folan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended to me by a friend in Soho’s actual Coach and Horses pub after 10 Guniesses whilst on the run from a strange old man who wouldn’t stop telling us about his guitar amps.

Hope to one day see it performed.

[Tony Tagialuchi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quality.

[Christian Walsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

funniest thing i've ever read.