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The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family
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The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

4.45  ·  Rating details ·  4,065 ratings  ·  426 reviews
The adoption of a child is always a joyous moment in the life of a family. Some adoptions, though, present unique challenges. Welcoming these children into your family--and addressing their special needs--requires care, consideration, and compassion.

Written by two research psychologists specializing in adoption and attachment, "The Connected Child" will help you: Build bon
Paperback, 264 pages
Published March 15th 2007 by McGraw-Hill Education (first published February 22nd 2007)
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CathyAyn I personally found that the examples were most all of younger kids (<10) and/or kids who were recently placed in with their families. I would try to e…moreI personally found that the examples were most all of younger kids (<10) and/or kids who were recently placed in with their families. I would try to envision how I'd implement some of the concepts with my teen (home since birth), and I didn't think several of the suggested techniques were practical/would work.(less)

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Jenny (Reading Envy)
Apr 29, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: adoption, own, read2018
I probably read this too early, but my husband and I are talking about talking about looking into adoption (ie: very early/tentative/maybe stages) and when I asked in Litsy, a friend who adopted two kids not as babies said this book was everything. It's definitely not the parenting style I was raised in, and while I do know enough to know I don't want to raise a child the way I was raised, I don't necessarily know anything at all. This would be a book to revisit when dealing with behavioral issu ...more
Jul 30, 2009 rated it it was amazing
This is BY FAR the most helpful book I've read on attachment, bonding and helping a traumatized child learn to feel safe and yet not allow them to overly control the life of your family due to their very real struggles and issues. Written by two PhD's at Texas Christian University, they provide common-sense understanding of what triggers fear and other struggles in traumatized children while offering very helpful and HOPEFUL strategies for compassionate, loving, strong and effective parenting to ...more
Sep 08, 2008 rated it it was amazing
I read this book because I have an adopted daughter that I am struggling to connect with. I thought it was exceptional. There were several chapters applicable only to adopted and foster children, however the rest of it I would recommend to any parent.

Here's a few of the gems I found personally beneficial:

1)A lot of my daughter's behaviors that drive me insane aren't her personality--it's a result of where she began and are coping/survival mechanisms. I actually was surprised at how many behavio
This book is pure GOLD! This book gives real strategies and insights into how to help bring healing, attachment and growth to our kiddos. Every foster parent and adoptive parent should read this book. It is invaluable. You don't have to be a foster or adoptive parent to read this book. If you're interested in learning more about the needs of kiddos from hard places and/or providing support for your family/friends who have adopted and how their kiddo's needs are best met and how attachment & heal ...more
Jun 01, 2010 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: adoption-reads
The framework of this book is parenting children who come from any kind of difficult past or transition, adoption, trauma, etc.

The surprising humble,and highly emotional pie I ate while reading it was this: Dr. Purvis is kind to suggest the kind of parenting it takes to successfully parent children from "hard places" is just that: mere kindness. The fact is, her parenting strategies would make every child a happier, more connected, more well adjusted child.

And if every parent practiced the kind
Sep 16, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Should be required reading for adoptive parents. However, there were many things I highlighted that will aid me in being a better mom to my biological children as well.
Noteworthy quotes:
1- Too often parents and experts look at behavioral disorders as if they they existed separate from sensory impairments, separate from attention difficulties, separate from childhood deprivation, neurological damage, attachment disorders, post traumatic stress; and so on. You should take a more holistic approach
Kacie Woodmansee
I thought most of the advice in this book was excellent. While geared towards foster/adopted children from hard places, a majority of the information could be applied towards all children. Knowing the history and science behind certain behaviors is always helpful for understanding where kids are coming from. The main issue I had with the book is the main issue I have with a lot of the reviews of the book. It's okay to not have the whole parenting thing figured out. You shouldn't feel shame if yo ...more
Dani Bruno
Mar 09, 2019 rated it really liked it
I had trouble rating this book. It is certainly insightful, both for adoptive children and children with special needs, but lacks any biblical worldview (I.e. they comment several times how “nature” has created us certain ways). I would recommend reading this alongside books that give insight on Christian principles in parenting. Even so, some of the psychological explanations and practical advice for children who have endured trauma or live with special needs was certainly eye opening and helpf ...more
Oct 06, 2012 rated it really liked it
This is a great resource book. Lots of helpful, practical ideas on how to help your adopted child in the bonding process. The only reason I didn't give it a "5" is that I had hoped (maybe it was an unfair expectation) that she would address, in more depth, the complex emotions that parents also bring into the relationship (ex. grief and loss). Maybe we are odd ducks in that we have already experienced the death of a child, although there are plenty of people who also adopt after infertility. I f ...more
Andrew Wolgemuth
Mar 03, 2016 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: adoptive parents, foster care parents, those supporting kids from hard places
Shelves: nonfiction, dadcraft
An excellent read for adoptive and/or foster care parenting (and those who support them, too). It's helpful in providing better understanding the thinking and behavior of kids from tough places, and it provides lots of practical helps and guidance in the process. ...more
Sep 28, 2017 rated it it was amazing
A lot of this may seem like common sense to a lot of parents (i.e. make eye contact with your children, play with them, enjoy them, etc), but there is also a wealth of really fantastic insight and tips for dealing with children from hard places. I wish they would put out another book dealing specifically with adopting older children since there is such a need there. Anyway, highly recommended if you have adopted or are thinking about it as a possibility.
Helen Tocco
Jan 17, 2020 rated it it was amazing
I hope to adopt children someday in the next few years, and I think I need to read this book at least 5 more times to really let all this great information sink in. It was a bit repetitive at times, but I think the repetition is useful to make sure you are really internalizing the concepts. I highly recommend this for any parent, and especially adoptive and foster parents.
Shannon Wyss
Jul 10, 2019 rated it really liked it
My life partner and i are working on becoming foster parents. So we aren't in the thick of things yet and aren't sure what to expect. As a result, i found this book insightful.

But we'll probably be fostering teens. And this book is serious when it says "child" in the title. I think the word "teenager(s)" was mentioned all of three times. And the highest age of a child profiled was 10 or 12. I'm not sure how techniques for young children will work for youth. But there are some larger strategies
This was required reading for our adoption. I can see that it would be very helpful for parents who aren't familiar with therapy language or parenting a child with special needs, but I found that none of it was new information to me. I read The Out of Sync Child soon after Jakson was diagnosed with autism (and the psychologist suggested it) and thought that was much more helpful for dealing with sensory processing disorder (many similarities to attachment disorders). I did take a couple of notes ...more
Aug 18, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2018
Great for ANY parent or parent-to-be, regardless if you are adopting!

As future adopting parents with no kids yet, we are so encouraged and thankful for this book. It provides much insight and helpful resources for what potential difficult situations as you learn to parent - not just for adopted kids but ANY kids you may parent (including biological). This book helps you see and learn how to balance correction and nurturing so your child can learn to be respectful and loved/loving!
Melissa Lewis
Dec 18, 2007 rated it it was amazing
This was a very informative and insightful book. While it was great for me to read as an adoptive mother preparing to adopt a toddler, I think it is a great parenting book for others as well. It provides solid reasons why traumatized children act out in different ways and gives very practical parenting advice on how to gently, but firmly help them deal with their issues. Definitely a must-read for adoptive parents.
Sarah Land
Apr 27, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: adoption
I truly believe that anyone who interacts with children should read this book. I don’t love that the cover specifies it as a book for certain children, because trauma is universal and while it is definitely a resource for families who foster or adopt, I think anyone who is a part of a child’s life can benefit from this book. Dr. Karyn Purvis was a genius.
Jan 11, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Wow - she got it. This is now a book I rave about to friends with traumatized kids. Purvis explains how a child's brain reacts and develops in the presence of trauma, but also describes approaches to "rewire" these kiddos. Brilliant in theory, but clear and simple in the writing. ...more
Jul 31, 2013 rated it it was amazing
A must-read for every adoptive or foster parent, but beneficial to any parent or person who works with children. Lots of practical advice with research to back it up. If you have a chance to see Karyn Purvis at an Empowered to Connect conference I highly recommend it!
Jun 26, 2019 rated it it was amazing
The late Karyn Purvis’ book remains one of the most helpful, useful, inspiring books I’ve read about parenting ANY child, but especially the traumatized/ at-risk child. I highly recommend it for educators, youth ministry members, daycare workers, AND parents.
Jason Seville
May 12, 2021 rated it really liked it
4 stars with two caveats:

(1) This will be a helpful resource for the intended audience: “For parents who have welcomed children from other countries, from troubled background, and with special behavioral or emotional needs.”

I wouldn’t map the concepts of this book onto *all* parenting situations.

(2) The book is helpful but as a Christian there are a number of places where I’d want to supplement / edit / pushback a bit. Doesn’t mean this isn’t a useful resource—and I certainly don’t demand eve
Jul 04, 2020 rated it liked it
Shelves: foster-adopt
3 stars. I listened to this on audiobook - if you do read it, actually read it, it will be better. I appreciated the applicable takeaways for adopted (possibly with special needs) children. Some of the takeaways: exact language/scripts to use with children including scripts for values, descriptions of warm parenting and how to become a more nurturing parent, the importance of open handed touches. This book is required reading for a local adoption agency and I’d recommend it for adoptive parents.
Apr 25, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: parenting
This is a fantastic book, great for anyone with children dealing with trauma. I read it slowly because there is so much helpful information. It gave me a lot of insight into what is going on in the physical body of a child coming from a hard place, and how it impacts their social, emotional, and behavioral abilities. This knowledge is helping me be more patient as I parent, and is giving me more realistic and child-honoring expectations.
Stephanie Chatt
Dec 06, 2020 rated it it was amazing
This book is a must-read for anyone welcoming a child through adoption. It is full of amazing ideas to help your at-risk child thrive, and I loved all of the examples and stories used to demonstrate each concept.

As a side note, the parenting strategies presented throughout the book should be how ALL children are parented, not only adopted children. The concepts seem so logical, yet so foreign at the same time. I cannot imagine the difference it would make if all children were raised with therap
Zac Chase
May 25, 2018 rated it it was amazing
After the generally dark tone of Adopting the Hurt Child, this book was exactly what I was needed. It kept saying, "Yes, this will be tough," and "Yes, you'll be fine," and "Yes, your child will be precious."

All of that wrapped with, you're going to want to think about and try these things.
May 31, 2017 rated it it was amazing
A must read for parents of kids from hard places, but beneficial to ALL parents.
Dec 28, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: 2018
I loved the practical tips along the way to help care for a foster/adopted child who has experienced traumatic situations in their life.
Mar 14, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: parenting
Excellent resource with lots of practical tips.
Roozbeh Daneshvar
Aug 29, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: adoption
Who is this book good for? I would say anyone with kids can benefit from it, although the book is geared towards at-risk foster and adopted children.

In short, the book gives actionable and tangible advice on how to deal with children with a variety of issues (such as attachment issues). The authors keep a positive and hopeful attitude throughout all the chapters.

Below I am bringing some pieces of the book with my own impressions (I had to shorten my notes to meet the limitations of goodreads).

Benjamin Anderson
Sep 20, 2020 rated it it was amazing
This book was really amazing. I definitely recommend it to anyone working with at risk kids, but even if your kids don't come from an at risk background, this book will teach some amazing skills. ...more
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Attaching in adoption 1 18 Jan 08, 2010 12:46PM  

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