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The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

really liked it 4.0  ·  Rating details ·  186 Ratings  ·  20 Reviews
From the world's most acclaimed expert on verbal abuse comes the first book that answers the question foremost in every woman's mind: can he really change?

Combining practical applications with the latest clinical research with the trademark support and assurance of Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He change? shows victims of verbal abuse how to empower themselves, impr
ebook, 288 pages
Published October 1st 2006 by Adams Media
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Sam Dye
Jul 23, 2012 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I gave this 5 stars because it is a breakthrough book with a novel understanding of the subject. She posits that the man has a "dream woman" that doesn't square with the real woman in his life so he has to constantly try to define her as falling short. The dream woman is part of his weakened personality structure resulting in him being a "psychological paraplegic". In the course of the book she develops the concept of the Agreement and she gives a detailed way to develop it and present it for a ...more
Tariq Mahmood
Feb 23, 2015 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: psychology
Although I read the book to help a friend suffering abuse by her partner but came out learning a number of relational do's and don'ts. Like never judge your partner or define her. No relationship is perfect but the important aspect to remember is to always admit when wrong especially after making hurtful statements which you might have picked up from our patriarchal cultural upbringing. But there is also a sliver lining for abusively inclined male species as they at least have an outside chance ...more
Sep 24, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Another great book on verbal abuse

Well written with lists of verbally abusive statements, threats and situations meant to control....many which seem common to everyday behavior in today's " in your face" world. All of this is good to know so we can scale back the abuse and allow each person to be their best self.
Oct 10, 2011 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: self-help

The Verbally Abusive Man is kind of a follow up to the author, Patricia Evans, previous book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. In fact, I would recommend reading that one first as she touches on some points from it in this book. This book, instead of focusing on the relationship, instead focuses on the abuser and whether or not he can change, and to a smaller extent, whether or not a woman should stay or go. This is probably something only useful for those in an intimate relationship.

The main f
Gruia Novac
it brings many cultural flaws into light. a big list of all the triggers for peoples defensiveness.
Aug 28, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: gender-studies
Relationship problems and feminism. Every couples counsellor should read this - when men built higher educational institutions they defined women as excluded from them, when they developed religious institutions they defined women as unqualified to be ministers. For equal work women are still often defined as unworthy of equal pay. This state of affairs has permeated the consciousness of men and filtered down to the way they define their wives as subordinate. They think of themselves as good hus ...more
Feb 12, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Very on point, cuts to the chase, even if your not verbally abusive

Even if you think "I'm not verbally abusive" you still need to read this book. I was amazed at how even in the smallest of ways I define my spouse. I definitely thought that not talking to someone after an argument was the right thing to do since I didn't want to make things worse. What I should have been doing is reaching out to her in love. I recommend this to ANYONE who wants to avoid ever being verbally abusive
Feb 04, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book is a great resource for those that are struggling with a relationship that is toxic or borderline abusive. It is a manual that is written for women that asks them to take an honest look at their current relationship to see if it is truly healthy. Many women in verbally or emotionally abusive relationships, stay in marriages that are toxic in hopes that their partner will change. This book paints a portrait that is more realistic. A person cannot be made to change if that person does no ...more
Apr 06, 2016 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book is a must read for anyone dealing with verbal or emotional abuse, including the man who may come to realise that he is being abusive towards his wife or partner. If a couple want to survive the abuse, this is a necessary read. Even if a woman doesn't think their husband or partner can change, the book helps to find safe ways of leaving while providing evidence so that the victim doesn't become the victim a second time over during the divorce. The book doesn't really address the situati ...more
Nov 11, 2007 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: health
a bit repetitive, but her overall theory and practice seems to be on point. good for all relationships, not just romantic ones.

btw, the title isn't a "man-hater's" title. She bases her book on her experience as a therapist and found that over a long period of time (years) she only had 3 female abusers approach her for help. 2 of the 3 decided not to begin therapy. The other made plans but backed out at the last minute.

She briefly goes into why she believes women have a much harder time accepting
So this is a great book for those in the west. Throughout the whole book I was curious how well this would be applied to Middle East though. Then I got to one of the last chapters and Ms. Evans told a story of the honor killing of a young girl, and baisically she said that the more opression between the sexes (as in one sex opressing the opposite sex) the less likely there will be change in verbal abuse.

Bummer. I was really hoping to use what I learned in the book as a way to "counsel" couples h
Sep 30, 2013 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book was so very helpful to me. I sometimes had to put it down, because there were things I was living in my marriage displayed in the book, and it made me emotional. I am so glad I read through the book. It helped me work through my emotions and decisions. The "agreement" is a useful tool for couples who may want to remain together. It equips you to make a better informed decision on whether to stay or leave an emotionally abusive man. I think the final question you need to answer is wheth ...more
Jul 09, 2013 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: nonfiction, 2013
she over-reaches in some places with her root causes and analogies, but the main focus of the book -- the agreement written between the two partners about ending verbal abuse in their relationship -- is essentially very helpful. the lists of resources she provides in the appendix are fairly comprehensive and up-to-date, too.
Annie Thornton
This was a good book, with some really good pointers and things I have never thought about. I picked this book up because of the topic of verbal abuse, as I have endured verbal abuse in most all of my relationships. With 40 some odd pages left and after spending multiple nights falling dead asleep while reading this, I realized that finishing the last 40 pages became a chore, hence the 3 stars.
Really good book for the abused woman. Patricia states she has no gripe with men just that she never sees women abusers who want to change. As a therapist myself I am seeing a trend in marriages where both the man & woman are abusers!!!!!! what a life.................B
Magdeline Fajardo
Interesting theories.

The book contained some good information. There are some theories presented with a great deal of examples of those theories.
Answer to the title's question: No
Manish Dev
Jan 06, 2014 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A very nice book for both partner and abuser. It comes down to how they use it.
Aug 01, 2015 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Wake up call

This book really opened my eyes to how I have treated my wife and has made me want to put in the work to change.
Clara Bella
Jul 31, 2011 is currently reading it
I wish there was a queer version of this book.
Erica Harris
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Lori Davidson
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Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for ...more
More about Patricia Evans...