Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know

by Patricia Irwin Johnston

A child is coming - whether you approve or not it's time to get with the program! If someone you care about - a family member, co-worker, or close friend - has recently announced that their family will be growing through adoption, you may have questions. After all, unless you have personally experienced adoption, you may know very little about how adoption works and what it means. Are you worried that your loved one may face disappointment? Do you find yourself wondering exactly what your role is going to be in the child's life? Does the term "open adoption" confuse and concern you? Just what are the privacy boundaries for families built by what is okay to ask about? "Adoption Is a Family Affair!" will answer all of these questions and more, offering you information about who can adopt, why people consider adopting, how kids understand adoption as they grow up, and more. This short book is crammed full of the 'need to know' information for friends and families that will help to encourage informed, happy and healthy family relationships.

Genres: Adoption, Nonfiction, Parenting

152 pages, Paperback

First published March 31, 2001

Reviews

[Yvonne]

Johnston did a very good job in making valid points on what relatives and friends should know. Some of the things were common sense to me, but of course we know not everyone has the same level of common sense. One thing that definitely struck me was the bonding necessary for the parents and the child immediately after the child has joined the family. Some time relatives mean well with offering to take care of the child, or insist that they immediately become part of the child's life, but it is necessary according to the author, for the first few months of the child to interact as much as possible with the 'new' parents. There are lots of tips inside the book.

[Kelley Cathcart · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written with the tone that parents,and other relatives of the person adopting should "Get with the program" and while I'm certain that many people need such encouragement, my family didn't. I suggested this book to people before I'd read it, and when I read it I was shocked by the tone used. My mom was really upset because she and all of my family have been really supportive of our decision to adopt. Even my in-laws who aren't always that savvy on things that aren't mainstream, are very supportive and would most likely be upset by the tone of the book.

It does have a ton of valuable info in it, but...I should have read it and forewarned my mom about the way it was written. But over all it is great book full of fantastic information for friends and family. And it is also a good resourse on the how to deal with insensitive/ignorant/intolorant people.

[Brianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty sure I am going to request everyone in my life read this "Cliff's Notes" version of what it means to have adoption be a part of your community's story. Great overview of the process, the misconceptions, and hurtful things you might accidentally say or do while trying to be "encouraging" along the way.

[Sally Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just What the Title Says

Great for families and friends of those adopting! I'll recommend it for our closest loved ones, although they can skip the sections about adoption since they dont need to know the whole process. The best part was telling them stupid things people say and what they shouldn't!

[Joshua Mooney · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm the one adopting but I thought it would be interesting to see the perspective of what family and friends should be like. Knowing this books is dated I can't really complain too much.

Being LGBTQIA+ of course there isn't much mention of that, also there is a strong focus on women who couldn't get pregnant, which isn't always the reason for adoption but, like I said older book.

[K Bayko · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the book had quite a lot of good information in it, I felt the general tone towards families to be automatic disapproval about their actions with pre-adoptive parents. I wouldn’t share this with families for that reason.

[Susie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Concise primer on the adoption process. I don't agree with everything, but this is a book I recommend to get a quick overview of adoption.

[Angela Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought two copies to share around with everyone who will be involved in our child’s life!

[Autumn Weiland · Rating 4 out of 5]

A valuable read for the prospective parent and anyone who loves them.

[Naomi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just fine, really focused on adoption of infants from the larger family perspective

[Gayle Swift · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Finely Honed Sense of Adoption-attunement
“Adoption is a Family Affair by Patricia Irwin Johnston” is a remarkable book written with compassion, professionalism and a finely honed sense of adoption-attunement. While the book is written to address the questions and knowledge gaps of the extended family and friends of an adopting family, this book has a great deal to offer adopters as well.
Johnston addresses the adoption journey with such great depth, wisdom, and practicality, that it is sure to assist all who explore its pages. Adoption practice has evolved considerably in the last twenty-five years yet much of the advances in understanding and methods have not flowed down to the general consciousness of our culture. This means that adoptive families will find themselves slamming headlong into outdated beliefs and assumptions that have little understanding for the complexity that comprises the adoption journey.
While their agency, adoption professional of DCF worker may prepare parents, it is essential that parents also prepare their family and friends. Parents will be wise to teach them how to be a part of the essential support system. Inform them of the unique parenting strategies that will govern your family. Help them to understand the why and how adoptive parenting differs from parenting children born and raised by the family who gave birth to them. Parents will benefit from Irwin’s excellent explanation for establishing, holding and respecting privacy boundaries.
This gem of a book provides a wonderful way to educate oneself, family, and friends. Irwin is herself an adoptive parent, has been an adoption advocate for decades, and has written books that are classics of adoption literature. This book should be on every adoptive family’s shelf. The adage that “It takes a village to raise a child,” is never more true than in a family touched by adoption. They need a supportive team of committed family and friends who will understand, support and not criticize.
As an adoption coach, an adoptive parent and former foster parent, I HIGHLY recommend this exceptional book. —Gayle H. Swift, author of “ABC, Adoption & Me: A Multicultural Picture Book.”

[Krista Ehlers · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book about adoption is directed towards the extended adoptive family - the adoptive grandparents, aunts and uncles. The format is very readable - usually a short chapter on a topic, following by several ways to get more information (i.e. books and websites). The first section of the book attempts to talk about some common grandparent reactions to adoption, including "what not to say" when your adult children announce their decision to adopt. Then, the book goes into several chapters of describing the adoption process - how it works, the wait adoptive parents go through, difficulties with transitioning the child, and the ongoing issues the child may face about his/her adoption. The book wraps up with another "what not to do" section, which relates some horror stories from actual adoptive parents. Our family has been very supportive, and some of the "what not to say" advice that the author gives is a bit hard-hitting, so I would be concerned that our family would think we were mad if we gave them this book or recommended it. There is also a section about "adoptism" - defined as a prejudice against and criticism toward the adoptive triad (birthparents, adoptive parents, and adopted child). Again, I feel that some of the philosophies here I agree with fully (ex: the "real" parents are the adoptive parents, the biological parents should be referred to as the birthparents). Other items I did not agree with, and would hate for my extended family to think I am espousing. I did love the "middle" chapters of the book though, which accurately outline the ups and downs of the adoptive process, and correctly reflect the emotions that we went through as a couple during that process. I may recommend it to our family for that center, informative section, but only with the disclaimer that the beginning and ending sections should be taken "with a grain of salt," so to speak.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Purchased this book to give to my in-laws as we pursue an open domestic adoption. Unfortunately they wouldn't read it! I don't know why. So I ended up reading it myself and summarizing it for them. I'm glad I read it. It was very useful and definitely clarified some things for me.

I've read many books on adoption, but most of them have been from the perspective of an adoptive parent. These books are focused on how to build healthy attachment, how to talk adoption with your children, how to talk about race and privilege, etc... These topics are also covered but in very different ways in this book.

Sometimes, as an adoptive parent, you just feel like you are constantly educating people. There are so many negative adoption attitudes and representations out there. It's really nice to have your family on board without having to explain every little detail. Two big topics are positive adoption language and adoptism. PAL becomes increasingly important as children grow up and begin to understand some of the negative connotations of the language people use to describe adoption.

I've had to have many of these conversations... No it's not okay to compare the birth of our family to pet adoption. No it's not okay to constantly emphasize genetics in other grandchildren (not that you can never do it, it's always fun to notice the ways in which your children and grandchildren are like you-- just be mindful). And no, it is never okay to tell an adoptive parent that they should just be grateful for the children they have. These conversations have all been with separate people who truly love my children and our family. They just don't know!

So, I highly recommend this book to families formed by adoption. It introduces so many important topics. Now if I could only get anyone in my family to read it!

[Nickie Mariager-Lam · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book seems to have the basic belief that the extended family and/or friends unconsciously are gonna be against adoption or at least have some prejudgements about it. I think that basic belief in many cases are wrong and I would have liked the book to have put more emphasis on what-to-do as a relative to people adopting instead of what-not-to.

Maybe, I'm naive, but I genuinely believe that our friends and family have the best intentions when it comes to being a part of our adoption journey, but that this way of creating a family might be new to them and that they, therefore, might unintentionally formulate themselves in ways that are inappropriate, and I'm willing to lovingly correct them when that happens instead of acting offended.

Edit 2020: I reread this book during the Christmas holidays and I must confess that I like it more the second time around. Somehow it didn't seem quite as negative as on first reading, and I found several useful ideas and suggestions on how relatives can assist the adoptive parents with settling into their new life. I would give the book 3 stars this time.

[Dayspring · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had mixed feelings about this book. It is the only adoption book that I have found that is specifically geared toward extended family members and friends, to help them understand adoption. Multiple people have recommended this book as a resource, including friends who are adoptive parents, our adoption agency, and various online publications.

While the book does provide many great, straightforward answers to frequently asked questions by family and friends, I found some of the language and terminology outdated, particularly in regards to race and ethnicity. Discussion of transracial or transcultural adoption is limited. The book also begins with an assumption that adoptive parents have taken this path because of infertility, which is a common assumption about adoption but is not always the case.

Because I have yet to find a better resource, I likely will still share this book with family, even with its limitations.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw this title on a list of suggested books given to me by our agency, and so I requested it as an inter-library loan from our local branch. When I went to pick it up, I laughed...it has a photo on the front of the most white, WASP-y, blonde family you can imagine! So right away my expectations were lowered.

This book is written for friends and relatives of a family in the adoption process. If you have people in your life who are questioning your decision or struggling to accept your choice, this would be a great book to suggest. It's not very provocative, but rather reassuring and full of basic information. At the end of each short (like 1 and a half pages short) chapter, there are a few resources listed for more information on the topic.

Short and sweet, and probably very helpful if your parents are freaking out about your decision to adopt.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a pretty decent resource for the families of adoptive parents. I especially enjoyed seeing the author point out how insensitive it is to say, "I bet now that you are adopting, you will get pregnant." I have heard that at least 20 times since my husband and I decided to adopt, and it grates on me.

I was thinking about buying a couple copies for our families. The one thing that bothered me is that it suggests in different ways that the families do things to financially help the adoptive parents. I wouldn't want our families to think that we were giving them book as a roundabout way of asking for money. I was especially appalled that the author would suggest that the parents throw a "money shower" for their adopting children. That violates multiple rules of etiquette and is downright tacky.

[Kaitlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some helpful insights about what to expect when a family member or friend is adopting, and how to deal with strange situations tactfully. Not a lot of detail or statistics, but I thought the notes about where to find more information about certain topics were helpful.

This is much better than In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends., but I am disappointed that there isn't a more complete resource for interested loved ones.

[Karen C · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the only books of its kind, but not exactly what I wanted it to be.
The idea is for people who are adopting to give it to their family and friends, but it tends to talk down to those same family and friends.
Also, a pet peeve, but I can't stand how she used the word "adopter" - the same term thrown around by the anti-adoption crowd, who use in a decidely negative way.

Aside from that, in light of the fact that there aren't really any other books that act as a primer for relatives of adoptive parents, I did give a copy of it to my mother-in-law. It touches on most of what really "needs" to be touched.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Both of our agencies had this book as required reading. It is an easy and almost enjoyable read because the author speaks very informally. The weird part is that the book seems to be written to give to parents of a couple adopting a child especially an infant domestically. Specifically is seems to be written to those parents who are hesitant of their children pursuing an adoption. Honestly, the information is good but if that is the suggested audience isn't going to read that book. Helpful information that maybe could be presented a little differently to be more effective. Still it is a very quick read and worth the time for any family pursuing adoption.

[Kara · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was ok, but had several grammatical errors and glaring typos. I read the 2001 edition instead of 2012, so I am sure the newer version has better editing and updated information. It's a nice idea to create a book for family members to have their adoption questions answered, but it is impossible for one book to present the most relevant and accurate information unique to your specific adoption plan. Personally, I would feel more comfortable talking to my family and friends one-on-one rather than recommending that they read this book.

[Abbey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't recommend this book to anyone first considering adoption, though I found it recommended on an article for just that crowd. It basically runs through all the negative connotations and reactions associated with adoption and why they aren't true - which might be great later on in your process when you're dealing with those reactions. But as you first are thinking about adoption, it's pretty depressing.

[Cynthia Tam · Rating 5 out of 5]

So glad one of my adoption group buddies referred this book to me. I bought copies for EVERYONE in the family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.)

Most people don't know what they think they know about adoption and how they can be of support. What's okay to talk about what's none of their business.

This book helps with ALL of that!

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The tone did seem a little authoritarian, but it is great info for those who haven't gone through the adoption process to understand what the adoption process and infertility is like. It helps explain why certain comments are hurtful- instead of family members thinking I'm "being too sensitive," they now have an understanding of why we prefer certain comments not be made.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good overview of the process of adoption as well as how to adjust and/or reply to other people's reactions and comments. It was really great, I just wished it was a little longer!
This book would prolly help primarily grandparents of the new adoptee. but is applicable to any family member who is going through this option.

[Seth Goldsmith · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a nice book to suggest (insist) to family members of adoptive parents. It might help to specify which chapters they should read as the book attempts to help relatives understand all types of adoption.

[Joe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be VERY HELPFUL in understanding both the process of adoption in its various forms and the issues that face not only the adoptive parents, but also members of the extended family and friends of the adoptive parents. I HIGHLY recommend it.

[Cathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for anyone with an adopted family member.

[Alexis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good book that covers a lot of great topics for extended family. Don't really agree with commentary re: sharing adoption finances but otherwise recommend this to other families.

[Alicia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good overview of adoption related topics. It's the same information you could find on the internet but consolidated for grandparents.