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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships
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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships

3.95  ·  Rating details ·  161 Ratings  ·  23 Reviews
A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt ...more
ebook, 272 pages
Published May 27th 2008 by St. Martin's Press (first published 2008)
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May 31, 2011 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction
Instead of playing the blame game, Kirshenbaum takes the productive route and helps guide people in affairs to make the decisions they need to in order to move on, whether it's with their partner, with their new partner, or with neither of them. One of the most helpful points in this book is the way guilt cripples those in affairs, clouding their judgment and making them unable to move on for fear of hurting either person they are invovled with. The book then moves on to examine all parties in t ...more
Timothy Hinkle
Nov 22, 2010 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I picked this up for my wife to read, as it promised to guide the reader to the best of one of three choices. Unfortunately, she went off to Idaho with her lover anyway, so this book was a bit of a disappointment. I couldn't get into reading it properly (all the way through) but skimming through it yielded some good stuff. I particularly like the five things your relationship must have to survive (let's see if I remember them correctly): mutual respect; comfortable connections; physical attracti ...more
Sep 07, 2008 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
This is a self-help book for people having affairs. Not the spouses, not another pop psychology book about why people cheat, no, it essentially asks the question, so you're having an affair. Now what? I picked this book up because I, like many people, saw the subtitle and said what, really? Really?

The book opens with an explanation of why you help these people--true, they're the ones who essentially punched their primary relationship in the face, they're the ones inflicting huge emotional damage
Paul Eckert
Apr 29, 2014 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This is one of the best books I wish I never needed to read.

If you are involved in an affair, then you know it’s a confusing situation. You don’t feel like a bad person, but you’re hurting people. You can’t make sense of anything you’re feeling, and you wonder if you can even trust your feelings as they change day to day. You once seemed to have your life put together, but now you can see the fragile threads from which it hung. If this sounds like you, I highly recommend this book.

Miss Ruark
Aug 20, 2011 rated it liked it
Shelves: help
i found this book when i discovered my boyfriend was not actually ending his marriage like he had told me and had another girlfriend in another state. just so you know, this type of cheating isn't covered in the book.

this book is for a married person having an affair. this isn't a good choice for someone who is the victim of cheating. if you're still reeling from the pain, then you may want to pick another book. i was looking for a reason why, and i may never know the answer.

there was a lot of
Ameetha Widdershins
Not trite. A good read for those who are dating, considering a commitment, considering an affair, having an affair, considering ending a marriage because of an affair or considering ending an affair because of the marriage. It goes through 17 different types of affairs, reasons for affairs, how to delve into the heart of the infidelity and how to determine if the infidelity is caused by having chosen a spouse poorly in the first place and how to avoid choosing poorly again and repeating mistakes ...more
Feb 15, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Usun, et on hiiglama palju inimesi, kel sellest raamatust kasu olla võiks. Esiteks see "hea inimese" mõiste - kui hoolid ja tahad kõigile parimat ja võimalikult vähe haiget teha, siis sa ei ole halb inimene, olgugi et sellises olukorras, mis nii endale kui ka teistele haiget teha võib. Usun, et sellesse enda süüdistamisse on väga lihtne kinni jääda, kui olla empaatiline, teistest hooliv inimene.. ja samas hoolida endast ka. Väga hea suunanäitaja teemadel, et mida suhtesse astudes üldse kaaluda, ...more
Jun 28, 2013 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
When Good People Have Affairs answers a simple question; I’m having an affair, what should I do? Step by step Kirshenbaum walks the reader through how good people make bad decisions, how to choose a lover or a partner, how to break up, and how to heal. I’ve never read a book about this but it’s so incredibly useful because it does exactly what it promises it will do (unlike a person who had an affair, but that irony is the stuff of another type of post). She outlines 17 different types of affair ...more
Sandra Townsend
Jan 09, 2012 rated it it was amazing
this book is an amazing find for someone going through the unsurmountable, debilitating, depressing, guilt infested, overwhelmingly confusing feelings of having your current relationship failing in some ways and being drawn to another. Something like 75% of us are touched in some way by people who have been unfaithful in some way, shape or form in their relationships. Whether they be married, dating, seperated, etc. For those who did not -- and never had set out to purposely "screw over" the per ...more
Feb 27, 2009 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I saw this book at the store and the cover and title intrigued me. Not unlike many others, my life has been touched by infidelity in several ways, with friends and family members. This is written in an interesting perspective--it is written expressly for someone who is in the middle of an affair. There is a section on discerning what type of affair it is (there are seventeen types) as well as sections on relationship chemistry, breaking up, moving on, etc. The author has various thinking exercis ...more
This is actually a pretty reasonable marriage/relationship book, and has some applicability beyond people having affairs or in relationships with some who's having an affair. I think the author gave some good recommendations on how to improve your relationships, how to evaluate your relationship, etc. There is one point that I kind of disagree with. The author recommends that if you have had an affair and managed to keep your spouse in the dark that when it's over you don't tell them the truth. ...more
The title of this book cracks me up. And it’s a book club pick. So don’t read too much into the fact that I’m reading this book. We thought it would spark some good conversations at book group. The subtitle: inside the hearts and minds of people in two relationships led me to believe that we might understand more about people’s motivations in having affairs. And it seems that in most of the books I’ve read lately (Tenth Circle, Beach House) so I was interested in learning more about the thought ...more
Dec 05, 2012 rated it really liked it
Shelves: did-not-finish
Ejection Seat.
The title of this book could and should be "When Good People Want Out of Their Current Relationship"
This book has great advice for how to (and not to) break up.
1. Don't let threats of suicide if you break up, keep you trapped in a toxic relationship.
2. Don't answer the questions for reasons why.
After years of trying to patch things up, the spouse already knows the reasons for the break-up. This is not the time to discuss how to work things out; that time has long since passed.
Jul 30, 2010 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
A friend of mine gave me this book and while it was an easy and engaging read, it just didnt fit my personal situation. This book is good for someone who is in the middle of having an affair and needs to figure out what to do. It helps them understand why they might have resorted to having an affair and helps the person stop delaying, pick who they want to be with, and move on.
As the person who caught their partner having an affair, it was a bit frustrating to read. I am feeling angry, and the
Deborah Day
Jun 03, 2012 rated it really liked it
A very simple to understand book on a much needed topic. The author defines many different types of affairs and shares some of the reasons these affairs may be occuring. The book strives to help you understand WHY you are having the affair and if the affair is a sign to end the relationship or if it would be best to end the affair and recommit to the relationship. She also gives some good suggestions on how to end the affair. With affairs on the rampid, this is a very helpful and thought provoki ...more
Apr 20, 2015 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
really liked the book. very well written, easy to read. very good partnership tips. gave some aspects to think about!
Tricia Gonzales
Apr 15, 2012 rated it it was amazing
amazing! if you've ever had an affair or been a victim of an affair then you have to read this book!
Suzanne Bauer
Sep 11, 2013 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Worst book in the history of books. I couldn't figure out how to give it zero stars. This book is dangerous propaganda on its best day.
May 07, 2013 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2013
research for advice giving, of course!
Nov 30, 2008 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: book-group
Intersesting read - but not quite what we expected. Would be better read by someone who is having an affair or in contemplating one!
I like her nonjudgemental approach.
M. H.
my review is in my comments.
Pochocho88 Saavedra
OMG!!!! very relevant!!!! hahaha
Reyes Hunter
rated it really liked it
Apr 18, 2015
Teddy Talley
rated it liked it
Dec 05, 2014
rated it it was amazing
Oct 19, 2016
rated it really liked it
Apr 16, 2014
Devona Marshall
rated it liked it
Aug 12, 2014
rated it really liked it
Sep 17, 2015
rated it it was amazing
Dec 26, 2014
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