Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships

by Tim Clinton

In this transformational book, the authors have used ground-breaking research to develop four primary patterns of relating to one another that shed light on our actions--and how we can learn to love and be loved even better.

Genres: Counselling, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Christian, Mental Health

272 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2006

About the author

Also credited as Timothy Clinton

Tim Clinton, Ed. D. is President of the nearly 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University. Licensed in Virginia as both a Professional Counselor (LPC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Tim now spends a majority of his time working with Christian leaders and professional athletes. He is recognized as a world leader in faith and mental health issues and has authored 20 books including his latest, Breakthrough: When to Give In, When to Push Back. Most importantly, Tim has been married 31 years to his wife Julie and together they have two children, Megan and Zach.

Reviews

[Chad]

A must read. It will explain you to the reasons why all the people around you are crazy.

[Lexi Weaver]

This book was the required textbook for my Marriage and Family Counseling class. Although it can feel simplistic at times, I still found it to be extremely helpful when it comes to understanding relationship styles and soul wounds. I also came away with a better understanding of how to better process my story in the light of who Jesus is. I highly recommend it not only for counselors in training, but also for anyone who enjoys learning about relationships and desires to understand their story in deeper ways.

[Bailey Marissa]

A great book that discusses the four attachment cycles, why we should care about the attachment cycles, and why it's important to try to move forward. The authors also give some tips on dealing with why we do things and how our history does not have to define our future.

Recommended 15+ for talks of marriage/sex, addiction, and other problems of life.

Used with Liberty University Online's CCOU 301: Christian Counseling for Marriage & Family.

[Shirley K]

Excellent read,
Will definitely read it again!

[Joanna Martin]

A look at healthy relationships through the lens of attachment styles. Broad scope and applies to mild to medium disfunction. Particularly liked the chapter on secure parenting.

[Andy Montero]

(2024 update) Still great parenting / compassion-building book.



Very insightful read on how our past helps form beliefs about ourselves and others, affecting how we do relationships. Has a great perspective on healthy relationships and boundaries, as well as how to make the changes to move toward a secure relationship style, which is essentially what the Bible helps form in us.

I was surprised to see so many good parenting tips and strategies here! Portrays the responsibilities of good, godly parenting and its effect on the child's relationship with others and, most importantly, with God.

Would highly recommend to parents and those who want to build compassion for others and themselves.

[Ronald J. Pauleus]

Many should read this book. It’s so eye opening and informative! It shows how the past influences the present and tells us the potential for a better future because of Hope. Childhood development is way more important than I realized.

[Ed Barton]

Christian Relationship Framework

The book looks at relationships - primarily within the family, though touching on friendships as well - within a framework of childhood experience and Christian resources and support to overcome historical predisposition and paradigms. An interesting book and not quite what I expected, but it made me reflect on my own relationships and the framework of analysis.

[Roy Van Den Brande]

It started of strong, and there are gems of wisdom in the book, grounded in proven psychological theories. But when in part 2 the great solution is: just believe more in God and all will work out in the end... You lost me. it's not that religion can't be useful here, but when all you have is a hammer, everything starts looking as a nail. When all you have is scripture, everything has a religious solution.

[Lauren Harrison]

I enjoyed this book! It explains each of the four attachment styles and why people are the way they are. It also gives you helpful tools/frameworks to work towards healing and having a secure attachment. The author emphasizes the importance of having a secure relationship with God, as everything else flows from that. Would recommend for anyone interested in self growth and understanding themselves/others better!

[Ariel]

This book quite literally changed my life. I had to read this book for a psychology class in college and I’m so thankful!! This is the closest thing to pretty much free counseling. It really opened my eyes to my inner workings and helped me come to see and work through a lot of hurt from my past. Highly recommend!

[Jonathan Richardson]

I really enjoyed the regular reminders an pointers to God's involvement in our journey of breaking free from unhealthy patterns we have in our relationships. Many other great aspects I found in this book which has help me also to see others with more understanding and greater compassion for they way they act in different situations

[cindy meeks]

Good book

I liked this book as it gave an assessment you can do yourself and then step by step of how to change how you relate to others. It talked about examples of each type in each step

[Krystal]

This book had a lot of good information. I like that it gave stories and examples of the various relationship types and how they handle conflict. It broke them down then gave advice on how to improve your communication based on your relationship style.

[Greg]

Simple concepts and clearly explained, really insightful for a newbie to psychology. It was written perfectly for this kind of audience and will be able to take the ideas and most importantly apply them.

[Josh Soule]

An excellent read. Very enlightening. And a rare, much-needed christian perspective on psychology.

As an educator and a parent, I found this very valuable. It helped me analyze myself, and better understand those around me. A must read!

[Amanda Gorial]

Really loved this book.
Makes thing a lot more clearer that one might not be able to articulate the way they are or why they do the things they do, and how that results in their attachment and relationship style.
Very enlightening!

[Kaylan Madson]

Super insightful read. It was so cool to see myself in the pages and feel encouraged to strive for a more secure relationship style starting with my relationship with Christ. The book was very well organized and I enjoyed the case studies provided throughout.

[Craig Stoltzfoos]

“Where before you generally saw just your weakness and frailties, now you’re able to see your strengths as well. More importantly, you’ll begin to see how God has worked in your pain to woo you closer to Himself and to bring healing moments throughout your journey.”

[Amanda Zimmerman]

This was required reading for a class, and I'm so glad it was! Contains practical advice that truly embodies the title. Great read. Underlined, bookmarked, and will be referring to this little manual regularly!

[Ximena]

Redundant, goes over the same things and all gives a very simplistic solution to all the examples presented. Sometimes relations and patterns are more complicated than doing the obvious and the book doesn’t go there.

[Christopher Petty]

This book would be helpful for anyone with a strong faith in God, who is struggling to figure out why they have relationship trouble.

[Sage]

Not a bad book, just wasn’t what I was looking for to read at this time.

[Alec Lifschultz III]

This isn't just another "point a finger at yourself" book. Tim Clinton gives you the tools to overcome self defeating beahavior.

[James Creasman]

One of the best psychological / relational / personal growth books I have read.

[Paige]

Good stuff to better understand yourself and others.

[Rachel]

Highly triggering, yet Insightful.

[Lisha Haase]

I listened to the audio version, but I am going to order a print copy to refer to/share. It is really helping me understand myself and loved ones better.

[Lisa Detweiler]

I could feel the book's age (2006) and wished for more neurological explanation throughout. It felt simplistic at times but was a good overview of attachment styles.

[Rosie Blake]

Such a good book! I feel like I learned so much about myself while reading the book.