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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

4.02  ·  Rating details ·  834 ratings  ·  67 reviews
After the Affair is the first book to help readers survive this crisis. Written by a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for 22 years, it guides both hurt and unfaithful partners through the three stages of healing: Normalizing feelings, deciding whether to recommit and revitalizing the relationship. It provides proven, practical advice to help t ...more
Paperback, 304 pages
Published February 14th 1997 by William Morrow Paperbacks (first published April 1st 1996)
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Average rating 4.02  · 
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 ·  834 ratings  ·  67 reviews

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One of my fondest and core memories of my ex-boyfriend happened when I was 25.

I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.

I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was sl
Les Murphy
the best book I have found on the subject, most of these types of books are written from a female point of view but not this deals with both sides.I would recommend this book to anyone who has been hurt by an unfaithful partner. it really helps answer all the questions you might have on why it happened & how to deal with all that pain & anger that goes along with it.may God bless anyone who has had to live through this ,I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. ...more
May 15, 2013 rated it really liked it
wish i didn't have to read this ...more
Dec 26, 2015 rated it it was amazing
I've read this book once and am rereading it now that the reeling of discovery is over. I'm glad to be reading it again when my head is more clear and the situation is more clear. I appreciate the attention to explaining the whys of unfaithfulness and how a partner could get to a place where they step outside the marriage. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications and this books is helping me deal with them more objectively. ...more
Juan Rivera
Apr 07, 2016 rated it liked it
Shelves: lecturas-2016
This books speaks about how we should behave if we want to rebuild a relationship where we are or our partner has been unfaithful.

Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.

Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.

What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual an
Jan 11, 2015 rated it it was amazing
A fantastic book that transcends its title and subject matter. It's not just as simple as how to survive a partners affair. It's a great book for anyone, no matter where you are in your relationship. Or if your single, it applies also.

The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?

I never considered th
Taylor Ellwood
Aug 12, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: sex, psychology, love
What I like about this book is that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. This is a book that both partners should read so that they can have conversations about what happened, and what can be done to heal from the affair. The author doesn't take sides, but what she ...more
Jan 14, 2012 rated it it was amazing
As a practicing therapist, I found reading this book very useful for working with couples going through an affair. It is written as a how-to manual for couples wanting to rebuild their relationship after an affair, and is packed with activities and exercises to help people examine their beliefs, feelings, thinking, and how their past contributed to their actions. It also comes with exercises to help a couple regain trust after an affair.

A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people wh
Periodically I lead a marriage enrichment course at church. This is one of the books I read in preparation for my first time leading such a course, several years ago. Just noting this here so that none of my friends notice the title and freak out. Everything's good. :) ...more
Mary Moody
May 23, 2012 rated it really liked it
It helped in the aftermath if my husbands indiscretion, but in the end, it was all on me. Was I going to survive or succumb to my broken heart. I chose to survive and, when I was ready, to forgive.
Jul 26, 2020 rated it it was ok
I am currently on a deep reading spree, reading as many books about affairs as I can, because I have a repeated pattern of being the OTHER woman. I feel this text helped me more deeply grasp the seriousness of affairs, and particularly the emotional experience of the betrayed spouse. I struggled with the text because it of course does not tackle larger philosophical and existential questions around the purpose and history of monogamy, or questions around freedom, identity, or ownership, the way ...more
Lorena Martins
Apr 08, 2021 rated it it was amazing
I was married for 7 years. My marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. I was his loyal, faithful supportive and trusting Wife. He had an additional wild side that went out of control. The last incident is when I found out that he was having an affair 2 weeks before our 14th wedding anniversary. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me. I was so hurt and being an independent woman, I thought I could cope with being single. It was so hard to mo ...more
Barry Morgan
I feel so complete and happy again. Since I get back the love of my life. My wife and I break up for over three years. And she take my kids along with her. Because of the love I have for her and my kids. I never give up in the hope of getting her back with my kids. After all my effort to get her back nothing happens. Then I ask God to and god answered me with the help of a spell caster. I see his post on Instagram and I decided to contact him and I explain my condition to him. He ask me not to w ...more
Rachel Aranda
This book is such a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to like this book because it is so old and feared the information would be outdated. It was nice that this was not the case. Another surprising factor was that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of both the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. Many bo ...more
Katherine (
Jun 27, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help
I had to sit and marinate everything this book had to say before writing my review.

First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and
Feb 05, 2020 rated it really liked it
This is a good book for couples seeking to recover from an affair and for clinicians trying to understand the healing process. Mrs. Spring describes four phases - sorting through the emotional fallout, deciding whether to stay or quit, understanding the factors that led to the affair, and rebuilding trust. She also discusses how to talk about the affair and what to expect when couples begin having sex again. Spring comes from experience, is filled with a lot of good sense, anticipates objections ...more
Aug 22, 2020 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
This is a horrible, narrow and pain-shopping book for betrayed partners. It relies on an outdated they-were-looking-for-what-you-dont-give-them view of affairs with an emphasis on the deficits of the betrayed partner. I want to reassure Partners that this has nothing to do with what they are or aren’t. Sexual acting out may be a product of serious addiction issues, the result of childhood neglect/ abuse, or the manifestation of a narcissistic personality disorder. I refer The author to the work ...more
Richard Schwindt
Oct 31, 2017 rated it it was amazing
The aftermath of an affair is a cruel tangle of betrayal, confusion, guilt and loss of innocence. They leave couples and family emotionally desolated. Life is very complicated where it wasn't before. Couples can survive affairs and do all the time but that only happens in a context of honesty and accountability. Springs book is a classic of the subject, along with Frank Pittman's "Private Lies". If you have been involved in an affair or are supporting someone who has I would highly recommend rea ...more
Max Carrera
Recovering after an affair can be a massive challenge, but if a couple is mature and loving enough, I believe anything can be done. Given, of course, that the circumstances are right, an affair can be the wake up call and the ultimate test for a loving couple. But there is only one way to get through hell... to stick together and to remain mentally, spiritually and physically present.
Jun 03, 2020 rated it really liked it
Extremely thorough! Appreciated the dual approach and level of detail. Clients initially resisted the title, but one cited recommending it to friends as a book 'all couples should read' regardless of Affair. A bit heteronormative. ...more
Effie Stafften
Jun 14, 2020 rated it it was ok
I didnt think that the whole book would be a recount of a million peoples affairs in every paragraph. it was story after story after story. I thought this book would help rebuild. thought there are some tid bits to take away from I found it annoying reading everyones affair story
Cari Long
Aug 01, 2017 rated it liked it
My therapist recommended this book. I did not find this helpful. In fact it made me feel worse. I think for couples that stay together it's an excellent resource on how to navigate that though. ...more
Nov 20, 2017 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition

I was cheated on and his counselor recommended this book. The biggest miss is advice if you don’t want to get back together.
Hector Matascastillo
Jun 10, 2018 rated it did not like it
Absolutely terrible book with horrible advice. There is research out there now - the writer, who has been a very well respected author and speaker, should review it.
Mar 13, 2020 rated it it was amazing
Read this to supplement my couples therapy class for my grad program. Definitely a must-read, especially if you're like me and VERY triggered by infidelity. ...more
Apr 29, 2020 rated it it was amazing
This is everything I needed after the affair.
Jun 21, 2020 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Pretty outdated. It did help validate feelings and understand your reactions, I just wish there was a newer version i could relate to better.
Jan 29, 2021 rated it it was amazing
This book is amazing! It helped me to understand how to cope with infidelity. It definitely helps to heal the trauma. Highly recommended!
Suzanne Kunz Williams
There are parts of this book that I would recommend and feel would be very helpful. And there are parts of this book that I think would be destructive.

I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.

I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.

I li
Aug 30, 2015 rated it liked it
I found this to be a helpful perspective on working with couples in this situation. I needed a refresher, since I'm doing more couple work than I have for a number of years.

There are some great tips for both the hurt partner and the unfaithful one, and I like the fact that both partners must try to trust when it's most difficult for them.

What is difficult in this process is that it's hard work, which many couples aren't ready and willing to do, unfortunately. The way the book is written actual
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“What I need you to tell me is, ‘I’m not sure, but I turn down temptations every day. I eat salads when I crave hot fudge sundaes, I force myself to go to the health club when I’m feeling dead tired, I discipline myself in a hundred ways to keep myself healthy, and I can do the same for us.’ If you’re so unsure about controlling your impulses, why should I believe you won’t cheat on me again?” 0 likes
“of you must fully commit to the process of reconnecting, as outlined in this book. This doesn’t mean that you have to feel certain about your future together, only that you must behave as if you feel certain, while you work on changing the ways you perceive and treat each other. Put your negative feelings aside, commit to each other, demonstrate your commitment by engaging in the trust- and intimacy-building strategies, and then, and only then, see whether you feel more loving, and more loved. If you wait to feel more positive before you act more positively, your relationship won’t last the course.” 0 likes
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