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She Looks Just Like You: A Memoir of (Nonbiological Lesbian) Motherhood
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She Looks Just Like You: A Memoir of (Nonbiological Lesbian) Motherhood

3.62  ·  Rating details ·  277 ratings  ·  46 reviews
After ten years of talking about children, two years of trying (and failing) to conceive, and one shot of donor sperm for her partner, Amie Miller was about to become a mother. Or something like that.

Over the next nine months, as her partner became the biological mom-to-be, Miller became . . . what? Mommy's little helper? A faux dad?

As a midwestern, station wagon-driving,
Hardcover, 236 pages
Published May 1st 2010 by Beacon Press (MA)
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Average rating 3.62  · 
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Julie Franki
Aug 20, 2010 rated it really liked it
Yes, I gave this book a high rating, but I should qualify my bias by mentioning that I am the exact person for whom it is written. Thus I have trouble judging whether its quality transcends the subject matter. Klempnauer-Miller definitely does the subject matter loads of justice though! This is a moving, brutally honest account of being the non-breastfeeding mom, the legally-not-a-parent-until-adoption-papers-are-filed mom…in other words: “Mama”.

Much like the fantabulous, amazing-for-anyone-to-
Marjorie Ingall
May 17, 2010 rated it really liked it
Shelves: grownups
I know, we are all SO SICK OF PARENTING MEMOIRS. Hello, navel-gaze much? But this one's worth reading for two reasons: 1. It's very funny and 2. I don't think a lot of us have read anything from the perspective of a lesbian mom whose partner gave birth to the child. I was interested in her comparison of her own role to that of biological dads -- observing the changes in her hormonal partner, figuring out the division of labor. But then there are the differences. As Klempnauer Miller points out, ...more
Oct 01, 2014 rated it it was ok
Shelves: memoir
This book was not particularly inspiring, nor insightful. I appreciated a few aspects of the book - like when Amie gets real about some of the hardships of her experience as a parent. However, I'd hoped for more depth, more insight, a more raw look at what's wonderful and terrible about being the non-biological parent in a queer, baby-making partnership. Are there other (read: better) books like this in the world? Or is this as good as it gets?
Jun 26, 2010 rated it really liked it
Shelves: free
Despite the seemingly specialized slant of this book, it's actually one of the most generally well-written, honest and incisive memoirs about motherhood that I have read in some time. Hits the right balance between frank and TMI and sheds light on the real inequalities and strange social navigation that gay parents face. But I'm sure any Mom of any persuasion would get a lot out of it.
An engaging memoir. She Looks Just Like You describes Miller's experience of early parenthood, starting with the decision-making process (baby or no baby? if baby, how?) and ending when her daughter Hannah is eighteen months old. It focuses on Miller's emotional experience as she tries to conceive but can't, as she accompanies her partner Jane through a pregnancy, and as she transitions from a full-time job that she didn't really like into full-time motherhood with a very tired nursing-and-worki ...more
Casey Bodnar
Feb 29, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Highly recommend!

As a newlywed, married to another woman, about to start a family of our own.... I absolutely loved this book. I finished it in one swoop. It was refreshing to read about another person who has traveled the road so parallel to which I am about to travel. All I have to say to this author is THANK YOU for being so raw and open. If you’re wondering if you should read this book, I say go for it. It wasn’t always sunshine’s and rainbows, but neither is life. Again, thank you for this
Mallory Klorgan
Jun 12, 2020 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
i’m really grateful for this book. i’ve tried to become invested in stories about step-mothers, hoping to feel connection to them, but this was the first story of motherhood that i saw myself in. reading about being a non-biological parent who has been there from the very beginning of your child’s time on earth finally filled the hole i had in my chest. amie’s guilt and confusion as she tried to place herself in a category in hannah’s life, the balance of home and work life, and the turmoil that ...more
Emily Januszczyk
Nov 14, 2020 rated it liked it
I read this book for a nursing school maternity class. I thought it was an interesting perspective from a nonbiological mother’s point of view.
Mar 23, 2017 rated it really liked it
Liked this book very much! Reading it strengthens my commitment even more to my loving partner. I am now pregnant via IVF and we are so looking forward to the birth of our child late this year:) Highly recommend this memoir to anyone in a F/F relationship. XOXOXOs to Amie for writing it.
Aug 10, 2010 rated it liked it
Shelves: ladyish, 2010
This is a super deep-lez (in a non-ironic way) look at parenthood from the non-gestational perspective. Amie Klempnauer Miller (henceforth to be called AKM in this because her name is too long, sorry) and her partner have been together for about 20 years before they decide to have a baby. They have processed every possible option and decision related to this. They are very processy. AMK implies that one of her favorite hobbies is processing the Major Issues of their Relationship, especially on l ...more
Carly Thompson
This memoir looks at pregnancy and motherhood from the perspective of a lesbian nonbiological parent whose partner is pregnant and gives birth. Miller writes movingly at times about the decision to have a child, her own failed attempts to conceive, Jane's (her partner)pregnancy, and the first year of their daughter Hannah's life. Miller writes that lesbians like to process things and that is certainly true of this memoir. 230 pages are filled with Miller dissecting her emotions, motivations, and ...more
I really appreciate the perspective that this author brings and as a nonbiological bisexual woman looking to have kids, perhaps I was looking for a bit of guidance in her story. But I'm not really sure what the point of this book was. It is pitched as "A memoir of nonbiological lesbian motherhood" but she spends very little time talking about how she feels as a non-biological mother. She focuses on her feelings of being the non-bio mom while her partner is pregnant in the first half of the book, ...more
Jan 05, 2012 rated it liked it
What I loved and appreciated about this book was its stark honesty. There were some painfully familiar moments (as someone who had to undergo infertility treatments for my first, I understood the very un-romantic elements of trying when involving the medical realm and charts and whatnot; as someone who underwent a very unwanted c-section, I curled back at the description in fear of this impending second birth, etc.) and some unfamiliar (I admire her ability to peel back her relationship as she d ...more
Feb 01, 2012 rated it liked it
I read this for a bookgroup discussion with a lesbian moms group. I am a biological mom, and my wife and I plan to have a second child which she will carry.

It was very useful to see the other side of the equation, especially Amie's struggle to determine what her role is/was in the realm between mother-father-non-bio mom. The omnipresent reality for two-mom or two-dad families is the necessity to be specific about roles when there is no automatic social or societal assumption about who "mommy" o
I enjoyed this memoir quite a bit. Amie Klempnauer Miller writes with honesty and tenderness about her relationship with her partner, Jane, their decision to have a baby, and the arrival and infancy of their daughter, Hannah. For me, this book was a lovely affirmation that families can come in all shapes and sizes, and the relationship between the three of them is beautifully depicted. Sometimes the writing can be a bit dry and overly analytical, but it really is a good read. Recommended not jus ...more
Mar 19, 2011 rated it really liked it
I'm not a memoir fan but this was a beautiful recollection of courting, romance, love, pregnancy and motherhood. Amie's account of her relationship will remind you of what it was like to fall in love-no matter who you chose to love. I cried and laughed as they struggled to become parents and later as Hannah is born and they have to redefine their roles as mothers and partners. It brought me back to the early days with my children-you fall in love with this little being, demanding all your attent ...more
Jennifer Heise
Jan 09, 2014 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: parenting
A good book about parenting is, to me, a book that I can relate to, that encapsulizes those moments good and bad that we experience.

This is such a book. I want to photocopy Miller's description of being home with an 11-month-old for my friend who is a stay-at-home mom of a 14 month old. I want to share this with everyone.

And yet it's also a window into someone else's experience: that of a lesbian in a committed partnership going through the becoming-parents process in a way that's different from
Dec 16, 2010 rated it liked it
Parts of this book I really, really loved. Maybe because it reflects so much of my own life, but it was well written and funny. I felt like the title was just wrong. I guess I felt like this would explore the 2nd mom role, and while she did discuss it, it was mostly a we got pregnant, here's how, and here's what the first year with baby was like. I guess I expected, from the cover and description, a book that covered the first several years of the child's life and the Author's experience of moth ...more
May 01, 2011 rated it liked it
I'd give this 3-1/2 stars if I could. I enjoyed this journey to and through motherhood. Brought back many of my own memories of pre- and post-baby and how starkly different one's life is as an individual and a couple. What I really appreciated about this book was how challenging it is to be a same-sex parent with all the legal and societal complexities. Indi's best friend at school has 2 mommys and it doesn't register as something different to her which is great. I hope during my lifetime everyo ...more
Stacy  Natal
May 05, 2011 rated it liked it
Recommended to Stacy by: It was on Brenda's to read list
I read this because it is by a local author and because we have close friends that have a non traditional family such as the one written about in this book.

This was a lovely memoir of courting, romance, love, pregnancy and motherhood. The author's account of her relationship will remind you of what it was like to fall in love-no matter who you chose to love. I identified with the writer as she struggled to redefine her roles as mother and spouse after the baby was born. It brought me back to th
Jan 17, 2013 rated it really liked it
Shelves: memoir-bio, lgbt
I completely enjoyed spending time with this couple as they made their way through pregnancy and the first year of their lives as parents. I liked the thoughtful and funny tone the author used to describe not only her burgeoning love for Hannah, but how it changed her relationship with her partner. I want to hear more from her about their trials, tribulations and successes; the short epilogue that takes their daughter up to age six was simply not enough.
Jul 02, 2010 rated it really liked it
This was a relatively quick read, and mostly enjoyable. The author writes honestly about the issues that every new parents will face, and also presents an eloquent insight to the unique challenges of being a lesbian mom. Some parts were off-topic or disorganized, though, so I couldn't give it 5 stars.
May 22, 2012 rated it really liked it
I really enjoyed this book, it was well-written and interesting. I could really relate to some of the author's experiences. I enjoyed the bits and pieces about Minnesota culture, since I am also a Minnesotan.

It seems like the story is unfinished, but I suppose that is obvious since the book is about parenthood and only gets as far as the child starting kindergarten (in the epilogue)...
May 27, 2010 rated it did not like it
I couldn't get into this book, although I thought I'd really be able to understand where she was coming from as a first-time mom. I gave up since I just didn't care for her story or her writing style.
Aug 06, 2010 rated it liked it
This book was well written, but there was too much touchy feely, "let's talk about our feelings," in it. I guess it was a bit too earthy and estrogeny for me to appreciate, but it did have some cute moments in it.
Apr 22, 2011 rated it it was ok
I think I judged this memoir harshly because I wanted the author and her partner's life to be like mine. And they are not me or Sara. That said, I applaud her for telling her story and getting more queer voices into this genre.
Jan 09, 2012 rated it liked it
Shelves: memoir, nonfiction
Oh boy. Not sure I want to have a kid after reading this. But I appreciated her candor and honesty, and the first half is at least pretty entertaining. As a lesbian it's good to have something out there other than the usual hetero parenting memoirs.
Jul 10, 2013 rated it really liked it
Shelves: nonfiction
I thought this was a poignant, well-written memoir of the struggles and joys associated with being the nonbiological parent in a same-sex couple headed family. I found many things that I could relate to (even as the biological soon-to-be parent) in both the author and in her partner.
May 28, 2014 rated it really liked it
This may be one of those books that appeal to only a small niche audience, but as a member of that audience I loved it! It was an honest account of early motherhood and I truly appreciated the candor. I would recommend it actually to any parent, regardless of sexual orientation or biological-ness!
Jul 16, 2010 rated it it was ok
Interesting to see how differnt families come into being, but mostly it's whining about how hard it is for 2 grown women to deal with one tiny infant.
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Amie Klempnauer Miller’s writing on parenting and gay families has appeared in the anthology, Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All!; on; in Brain, Child Magazine; in Greater Good Magazine; and in Minnesota Women’s Press. She has spoken about gay and lesbian families at the annual Rainbow Families conference (the largest gathering of gay-, lesbian-, bisexua ...more

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