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The Tears I Couldn't Cry: Behind Convent Doors
Walk in my shoes as a Sister in a religious order in the United States from 1955-78. Do what I did. Feel what I felt. Live the life I lived in utmost secrecy.' Pat's incredible story takes readers on a terrifying journey through 22 1/2 years of convent life in 20th century America. Promised to God when she was dying at age 3, she eventually enters a Catholic order of women where she is controlled by rigid rules and must wear a cumbersome 17th century habit. . . looking like a 'flying nun'. During 3 years of 'formation' she is stripped of her own identity and forced into a mold. She must give up the family she loves, while her Superiors squash her passion for art, music, and nature. She must live under vows that require blind obedience, no pay for her work, and untainted celibacy. All of these sacrifices are demanded in God's all-justifying Name. Leaving the convent would be turning her back on God and risking eternal damnation, Superiors say. After reading Pat's true story, readers are faced with a Was Pat, and thousands of other women like her, abused by the very religion they loved? Emmy-award winning screenwriter and one of Pat's mentors, Vickie Patik, says, 'THE TEARS I COULDN'T CRY is a triumph of the human spirit and an inspiration to anyone who is working up the courage to question cherished beliefs and seek closure through honest reflection and self-healing.' Barnaby Conrad, co-founder of the Santa Barbara Writer's Conference and its co-director for 33 years says that Pat has written her story 'that is terrifying and beautiful. . . and VERY moving.'
308 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
June 14, 2022
insightful and moving
As a student of Pat’s, when she was Sr. Patricia Ann, in the early 70s at Seton HS in Baltimore I experienced a nun whose transparency disarmed me at a time when I had just begun to find a deeper relationship with Christ outside of the Catholicism I had been raised in. Her vulnerability showed me a transparency I had never seen in a nun and I knew she was seeking something more too. 50 years later I found this book. I am so happy she found what she was seeking.
As a student of Pat’s, when she was Sr. Patricia Ann, in the early 70s at Seton HS in Baltimore I experienced a nun whose transparency disarmed me at a time when I had just begun to find a deeper relationship with Christ outside of the Catholicism I had been raised in. Her vulnerability showed me a transparency I had never seen in a nun and I knew she was seeking something more too. 50 years later I found this book. I am so happy she found what she was seeking.
May 28, 2012
I can't decide if I loved this book or hated it. I bought it because I could see from the cover photo that it was about the Daughters of Charity, who taught me in high school and whose order I decided to join when I graduated (ultimately I did not, because the sisters suggested I wait 6 extra months to think about it--and in that time I decided I didn't really want to join). The story is about Ms. Beasley's 22 years as a Daughter of Charity and her decision to leave. Stephen King has nothing on her in the horror story realm. My one thought throughout this book is that I dodged a huge bullet in my decision not to join.
She entered the convent in the late 50s (about 3 years before I would have joined). From day one she was hit with all sorts of rules and regulations that she had never expected. She was expected to lose all emotional ties to her family, she was never permitted to touch another person. An accomplished artist and pianist, she was not permitted to do any art or touch a piano. She was not permitted to mix her foods on the plate because that would indicate she was actually enjoying the food, and that was not permitted. She could not raise her eyes to enjoy a sunset or listen to a bird singing. She could not attend her sister's wedding or her grandmother's funeral, though they were only a few miles from her convent. The rules went on and on and on. She had to learn how to pee on schedule (if you had to go when it wasn't your turn, too bad. Hold it and offer it up). Sickness was a weakness. She suffered from motion sickness many times and felt like vomiting, but was told she had to hold it in and offer it up. She suffered from migraine headaches and was refused medication and told to pray instead. She was forced to teach with an abscessed tooth because there was no one to cover for her. When she had terrible diarrhea while visiting the town of Assisi she was told to have a glass of beer (permitted because they were not supposed to drink the water in Italy). She had wanted to be a social worker and hated teaching, but she was told she was going to be a teacher.
When she left, after 22 years, having taught for most of that time, she was given $1,000 and the door shut behind her. No half-way house to reorient her back int the world, no Social Security had been paid for her time working, no nothing.
The book was written after she had worked outside, met a man and married and perhaps some of the negative tone of this book came out of the therapeutic act of writing it all down. I'm sure there must have been some pleasurable experiences, but the total picture is of a naive 18 year old girl, still in love with a man, who was pretty much railroaded by one of her teachers into agreeing to join the convent, who never should have been there in the first place
She entered the convent in the late 50s (about 3 years before I would have joined). From day one she was hit with all sorts of rules and regulations that she had never expected. She was expected to lose all emotional ties to her family, she was never permitted to touch another person. An accomplished artist and pianist, she was not permitted to do any art or touch a piano. She was not permitted to mix her foods on the plate because that would indicate she was actually enjoying the food, and that was not permitted. She could not raise her eyes to enjoy a sunset or listen to a bird singing. She could not attend her sister's wedding or her grandmother's funeral, though they were only a few miles from her convent. The rules went on and on and on. She had to learn how to pee on schedule (if you had to go when it wasn't your turn, too bad. Hold it and offer it up). Sickness was a weakness. She suffered from motion sickness many times and felt like vomiting, but was told she had to hold it in and offer it up. She suffered from migraine headaches and was refused medication and told to pray instead. She was forced to teach with an abscessed tooth because there was no one to cover for her. When she had terrible diarrhea while visiting the town of Assisi she was told to have a glass of beer (permitted because they were not supposed to drink the water in Italy). She had wanted to be a social worker and hated teaching, but she was told she was going to be a teacher.
When she left, after 22 years, having taught for most of that time, she was given $1,000 and the door shut behind her. No half-way house to reorient her back int the world, no Social Security had been paid for her time working, no nothing.
The book was written after she had worked outside, met a man and married and perhaps some of the negative tone of this book came out of the therapeutic act of writing it all down. I'm sure there must have been some pleasurable experiences, but the total picture is of a naive 18 year old girl, still in love with a man, who was pretty much railroaded by one of her teachers into agreeing to join the convent, who never should have been there in the first place
June 20, 2013
Patricia is not a particularly talented writer, but this book has value as a document of a time of great change for Catholic nuns.
Unfortunately for her, she writes with total honesty but very little self-reflection. This is a dangerous combination for an autobiography, for it exposes all her personality flaws without redeeming them by acknowledging or apologizing for them.
It's clear that she was never suited for convent life. Even if we put aside the real problems of pre-Vatican II religious communities, Patricia was incapable of letting go of her own wishes, unwilling to recognize the needs of her community. I don't fault her for staying in so long despite her unhappiness. She is a committed Catholic, and as such would believe her vows had locked her into her vocation for life. But she has written a long whine about how unfair and stifling it was to be a nun, a whine that extends to picayune details.
Before Vatican II, many religious orders, especially of nuns, had become ossified. Habits originally intended to reflect the clothing of their day had been kept unchanged, with a mythology of meaning developed to justify them. Rules of behavior had become rigid, fear-based straitjackets. Convents were enclaves so secret that girls were guilted into signing up without any knowledge of what they were getting into. Grueninger describes this well.
The changes after Vatican II were stressful for all orders. I came away with a better understanding of why so many left the sisterhood at that time -- not because they disagreed with the changes, but rather because they could for the first time understand that they had a choice.
But it's noteworthy that Grueninger did not really make that choice. Just as her entering the convent is something she ascribes to the pressure of one sister, her departure was instigated by her superior, who first sent her to a psychiatrist, then bluntly told her to think about quitting.
There is something there we're not learning. Why was she sent to the psychiatrist? She apparently never asked. She tells us again and again of her mental pain, but never says she revealed it to her superiors. What did they see? Patricia seems determined not to know. Many years after she left, she sends a letter of complaint to her order. She's invited to talk about it -- and rejects the offer.
Clearly this book was intended to be an indictment of the order and a justification of her own actions. It falls short on both points. But if you can read in between the pettiness and immaturity, you can get a picture of why religious orders needed to reform, and why devout and obedient nuns left as those changes were taking effect.
Unfortunately for her, she writes with total honesty but very little self-reflection. This is a dangerous combination for an autobiography, for it exposes all her personality flaws without redeeming them by acknowledging or apologizing for them.
It's clear that she was never suited for convent life. Even if we put aside the real problems of pre-Vatican II religious communities, Patricia was incapable of letting go of her own wishes, unwilling to recognize the needs of her community. I don't fault her for staying in so long despite her unhappiness. She is a committed Catholic, and as such would believe her vows had locked her into her vocation for life. But she has written a long whine about how unfair and stifling it was to be a nun, a whine that extends to picayune details.
Before Vatican II, many religious orders, especially of nuns, had become ossified. Habits originally intended to reflect the clothing of their day had been kept unchanged, with a mythology of meaning developed to justify them. Rules of behavior had become rigid, fear-based straitjackets. Convents were enclaves so secret that girls were guilted into signing up without any knowledge of what they were getting into. Grueninger describes this well.
The changes after Vatican II were stressful for all orders. I came away with a better understanding of why so many left the sisterhood at that time -- not because they disagreed with the changes, but rather because they could for the first time understand that they had a choice.
But it's noteworthy that Grueninger did not really make that choice. Just as her entering the convent is something she ascribes to the pressure of one sister, her departure was instigated by her superior, who first sent her to a psychiatrist, then bluntly told her to think about quitting.
There is something there we're not learning. Why was she sent to the psychiatrist? She apparently never asked. She tells us again and again of her mental pain, but never says she revealed it to her superiors. What did they see? Patricia seems determined not to know. Many years after she left, she sends a letter of complaint to her order. She's invited to talk about it -- and rejects the offer.
Clearly this book was intended to be an indictment of the order and a justification of her own actions. It falls short on both points. But if you can read in between the pettiness and immaturity, you can get a picture of why religious orders needed to reform, and why devout and obedient nuns left as those changes were taking effect.
March 30, 2014
This is a story of a woman promised to serve God by her mother as she lay dying at the age of three. The promise was fulfilled when Pat Beasley at age 18 left her home and family and entered the sisterhood, taking vows of silence, poverty, and helping those less fortunate. For 22 1/2 years, she did exactly that, but it took a toll on her health and her mind. This was during the 60's and the 70's, when the Roman Catholic Church and its priests, nuns, and brothers lived a very restrictive life for the most part. Pat tells her story leaving nothing unturned. She shares her joys and her disappointments; her anxieties, depressions, and health issues. Her mind was not her own and it was strict obedience to the "laws" of the order. Finally when Vatican II changed some major problems in the church, did the nuns finally have some restrictions removed, one of which was mode of dress, which in Pat's case reached back to the 14th Century.
As she tells her thoughts as she continued her life in the order, there were many many times I just wanted to yell at her "GET OUT! LEAVE!"
The only negative part of the book was her constant wishing for the things she loved and the oppression she experienced. Sometimes once said is enough.
As she tells her thoughts as she continued her life in the order, there were many many times I just wanted to yell at her "GET OUT! LEAVE!"
The only negative part of the book was her constant wishing for the things she loved and the oppression she experienced. Sometimes once said is enough.
July 12, 2021
As a former nun (different order) the experiences shared in this book brought back so many memories of similar experiences I had dealt with. Totally losing your ideas and freedoms due to "blind obedience" was a given in communities. Christian charity? Hmm. I was in the order seven years. The mental, physical and emotional abuse endured and told to"offer it up" seems to have been a common theme in religious orders. I learned much while in... Mostly to not treat others in this way. I sympathized with sister in this book and I am so very happy she wrote of these days and years of her life and all she endured.
Thank you for letting me know I was not alone in what I dealt with. Yes. It really happened!
Thank you for letting me know I was not alone in what I dealt with. Yes. It really happened!
June 5, 2026
Pat Beasley was definitely a determined woman. Unfortunately, this determination often seems misdirected. After 22 years of toughing it out, Pat needed her Superior to even suggest that she consider another lifestyle. That poor woman couldn't even come to that conclusion herself. Talk about brainwashing.
As a cradle Catholic who was educated by Franciscans (I graduated elementary school in 1965), I sure hope the teaching sisters I had weren't going through what Pat experienced. But looking back, I think some of them did. So many of these women left the order after Vatican II. I always felt they had to totally free themselves of that institutional lifestyle.
As a cradle Catholic who was educated by Franciscans (I graduated elementary school in 1965), I sure hope the teaching sisters I had weren't going through what Pat experienced. But looking back, I think some of them did. So many of these women left the order after Vatican II. I always felt they had to totally free themselves of that institutional lifestyle.
May 5, 2019
It was an eye opener! Went to Catholic school for 12 years and sent our 4 children for 12 years. There were many nuns I interacted with during that time. They all seemed genuinely happy but then you never know. I’m sorry Pat felt so stifled, but that is what it was like then. Glad she left and married and hopefully is happy now. Really did enjoy reading this book.
December 29, 2022
As a catholic, also who knows the author I was touched to see her story through her lenses.
January 15, 2011
Intresting book about the Sisters Of Charity prior to Vatican II and after. I really liked the information about the dress and customs of the order. A little wordy at times, but still a good read.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews