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Zip & Mily: Big Water
My Human, my sister Milly and I lived quietly in a tiny Southern town. All went swimmingly, until a Hurricane brought big water from the Atlantic and flooded our house. That's how it came about that we met FEMA. And that's how everybody found out that my Human has a Secret. My Human, the Old Lady (that’s her name) is a Russian scientist. Old Lady made a big scientific found the key to my eternal youth. Or even to immortality, if we like. Old Lady made herself immortal first. I don’t blame her. Next, Martha-the-White-Rat. Then, me and my sister Milly—we trace our pedigree through the purest blood lines of Bavarian-born Spaniels. But then she stopped. My other siblings look all aged by now. But at my 17, I look no more than three or four. My sister Milly got stuck at puppy age. We watch the photos of our relatives on Facebook, and we are saddened that Old Lady did not make them immortal too. That she keeps it a secret. And I am so worried about my friend Fox Theodore. He is at the hight of his financial and physical might now, but I know he will age. My best friend. I once tried to unlock the Secret. Me and Raccoon. (Raccoon’s a human, but he is sort of my buddy.) That turned out to be my big mistake. Lots other Humans came coveting the Secret too, which resulted in a lot of unpleasant and funny stories. More unpleasant. In the aftermath, Old Lady had to flee and I got misplaced. All my own fault. Now I’m trying to get found. Have you seen my Old Lady? You’d recognize her hands and face are way too young, plus she always clips her amber brooch. If you see her, tell her where I 7 White Goose Lane, Ducklingburg, South Duck United State of America P.S. Tell her from me that she is the very finest Human in the whole world and that I am very lonely here without her. Zip, the Spaniel Dog
- GenresHumor
74 pages, Paperback
Published May 13, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
July 3, 2016
Beaver vs. Beaver is such an unusual book. The story follows a new attorney on her first Divorce case. Portia Porter is hired as the Husband's lawyer. He basically just wants to come out of the marriage financially unscathed.Portia Porter has a very unique voice in her writing. She comes from the legal field and still she tells these stories in such a personable and fetching way
I never would have imagined that there could be such legal wrangling and underhanded maneuvering. This book had me laughing, feeling bad for Portia and her crack team, Raccoon and Hoppy, and shaking my head at what all she had to go through.
All this takes place in Ducklingburg, South Duck. There are accents, accusations, gossip mongers, and one Judge that I would not want to face.
The writing is so well done. In reading about this case you just know Portia wants to pull her hair out, but it might cost too much to repair. I kept laughing at the pictures she paints in this retelling of the events. Some of the events are just so funny and kind of mean spirited. I know I did not like opposing counsel.
Each character in this story is richly described and so fully personalized that you feel that you know them. Not that you wold want to have any kind of up close and personal relationship with many of them
I never would have imagined that there could be such legal wrangling and underhanded maneuvering. This book had me laughing, feeling bad for Portia and her crack team, Raccoon and Hoppy, and shaking my head at what all she had to go through.
All this takes place in Ducklingburg, South Duck. There are accents, accusations, gossip mongers, and one Judge that I would not want to face.
The writing is so well done. In reading about this case you just know Portia wants to pull her hair out, but it might cost too much to repair. I kept laughing at the pictures she paints in this retelling of the events. Some of the events are just so funny and kind of mean spirited. I know I did not like opposing counsel.
Each character in this story is richly described and so fully personalized that you feel that you know them. Not that you wold want to have any kind of up close and personal relationship with many of them
July 24, 2016
It's a humorous memoir of a divorce lawyer, striking out on her own for the first time, and landing her very first client - a multi-millionaire, no less. I don't know what I expected, although it was probably something along the lines of Ally McBeal. It promised an insider look into the family law court, and I settled in, looking forward to some light reading and maybe relieving my dreams of being an attorney. 'Cause I could totally do that. I work hard, and I can look adorable when in the right mood and viewed from the right angle.
Oh. My. God. This was so not Ally McBeal.
Yes, it's an insight into the law practice, alright. And yes - it's funny when Portia Porter pulls down the pants of the legal practice and reveals all of its warts. It's like she's the Julian Assange of family law, but without that rapey vibe. There's the part towards the end of the book, where the narrative steps away from the main story and details some of the ways the lawyers go about screwing each other, the judge, vice versa, the client and vice versa, and various combinations of the above. Because of that, I see this book as a short course for potential clients, told in a humorous way. Portia is also a Malcolm Gladwell of sorts - educating you about something as painful and dry as divorce proceedings through storytelling and humor.
The story is told from the first person, but you get to understand what Portia in the story doesn't yet know. It's gut-wrenching in the way that makes people in movie theaters yell "Don't open that door!" I actually had to stop in the middle of the book and take a walk when she did open that door - the pain of anticipating the ultimate swindle was excruciating. I don't want to reveal too much, sufficient to say that I found the resolution of the story very satisfying.
The voice of the book is both intelligent and lighthearted:
"Lawyers on TV—at least the ones who play the good sort—never have the smallest problems with their memory and organization. All the exhibits are always at their fingertips, they never forget a date, they have the statutory Codes memorized cold, even when they must quote what is a five sub-paragraph deep citation."
"8:55 A.M. Judge’s bench still empty. It’s just me, Ms. “Human Coil” Boom and the sheriff.
9:10 A.M. No change.
9:20 A.M. No change.
9:25 A.M. Starting to lose hope. The judge forgot about us probably.
10:10 A.M. The back door opens . . . false alarm! It’s the Judge’s Secretary Tonya, the author of the cryptic email."
Expertly written, flowing prose has been just as expertly edited, something that is too often overlooked. I've learned quite a few things from reading this book - for starters, that I'm not cut out for the court. That if I ever do have to hire a lawyer, I'll make sure I won't have to fire him or her. Oh, and that I will have to read her other books: Can You Stiff Your Divorce Lawyer? and Alienation of Affections.
Buy Beaver vs. Beaver to read just for kicks, and then to keep on your bookshelf, you know, just in case. Buy it if you or anyone you know is considering a divorce. And, for the love of God, buy it for that bright-eyed daughter or niece of yours that is nurturing dreams of being the next Ally McBeal.
You can thank me later.
Oh. My. God. This was so not Ally McBeal.
Yes, it's an insight into the law practice, alright. And yes - it's funny when Portia Porter pulls down the pants of the legal practice and reveals all of its warts. It's like she's the Julian Assange of family law, but without that rapey vibe. There's the part towards the end of the book, where the narrative steps away from the main story and details some of the ways the lawyers go about screwing each other, the judge, vice versa, the client and vice versa, and various combinations of the above. Because of that, I see this book as a short course for potential clients, told in a humorous way. Portia is also a Malcolm Gladwell of sorts - educating you about something as painful and dry as divorce proceedings through storytelling and humor.
The story is told from the first person, but you get to understand what Portia in the story doesn't yet know. It's gut-wrenching in the way that makes people in movie theaters yell "Don't open that door!" I actually had to stop in the middle of the book and take a walk when she did open that door - the pain of anticipating the ultimate swindle was excruciating. I don't want to reveal too much, sufficient to say that I found the resolution of the story very satisfying.
The voice of the book is both intelligent and lighthearted:
"Lawyers on TV—at least the ones who play the good sort—never have the smallest problems with their memory and organization. All the exhibits are always at their fingertips, they never forget a date, they have the statutory Codes memorized cold, even when they must quote what is a five sub-paragraph deep citation."
"8:55 A.M. Judge’s bench still empty. It’s just me, Ms. “Human Coil” Boom and the sheriff.
9:10 A.M. No change.
9:20 A.M. No change.
9:25 A.M. Starting to lose hope. The judge forgot about us probably.
10:10 A.M. The back door opens . . . false alarm! It’s the Judge’s Secretary Tonya, the author of the cryptic email."
Expertly written, flowing prose has been just as expertly edited, something that is too often overlooked. I've learned quite a few things from reading this book - for starters, that I'm not cut out for the court. That if I ever do have to hire a lawyer, I'll make sure I won't have to fire him or her. Oh, and that I will have to read her other books: Can You Stiff Your Divorce Lawyer? and Alienation of Affections.
Buy Beaver vs. Beaver to read just for kicks, and then to keep on your bookshelf, you know, just in case. Buy it if you or anyone you know is considering a divorce. And, for the love of God, buy it for that bright-eyed daughter or niece of yours that is nurturing dreams of being the next Ally McBeal.
You can thank me later.
June 17, 2019
A hilarious look at the legal system.
This is a fabulous book that will have you laughing out loud and quoting parts of the book to other family members. The author takes an everyday legal issue, that of a person trying to avoid paying the lawyer and describes it in such a way that it makes you long to be a part of the legal system, or at least sitting in the back of the courtroom watching the antics. The characters are well-written and you can imagine yourself in the courtroom with them.
Kudos to Portia Porter, Esq. for this brilliant book.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
This is a fabulous book that will have you laughing out loud and quoting parts of the book to other family members. The author takes an everyday legal issue, that of a person trying to avoid paying the lawyer and describes it in such a way that it makes you long to be a part of the legal system, or at least sitting in the back of the courtroom watching the antics. The characters are well-written and you can imagine yourself in the courtroom with them.
Kudos to Portia Porter, Esq. for this brilliant book.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
July 31, 2017
I loved this book! Portia Porter has a way of writing that I enjoy. The story was great and I enjoyed the humor in it. It was a story about a divorce lawyer handling her first case. One thing I liked is that it showed that lawyers are human and are not above mistakes or forgetfulness. Her characters are well defined and believable. The book was well written, as well. I hope she continues to write more like this. I highly recommend this book, as well as her others!
July 19, 2019
It is brilliant! I loved Beaver vs. Beaver even I am not a lawyer.
The book is a legal comedy about young lawyer Portia Porter. It is extremely well written: I loved everything about it – the characters, the plot, the humour and the language. The book is very funny and I totally understand why some readers here said that they are quoting it. Me too!
I would recommend this book to people who like legal stories: Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Suits or The Good Wife.
Beaver vs. Beaver is fun and intellectual reading at the same time. I want more of it and I am reading the second book of the series right now.
Thank you, Portia Porter!
The book is a legal comedy about young lawyer Portia Porter. It is extremely well written: I loved everything about it – the characters, the plot, the humour and the language. The book is very funny and I totally understand why some readers here said that they are quoting it. Me too!
I would recommend this book to people who like legal stories: Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Suits or The Good Wife.
Beaver vs. Beaver is fun and intellectual reading at the same time. I want more of it and I am reading the second book of the series right now.
Thank you, Portia Porter!
June 18, 2019
Mr Beaver almost had his holdings in hand, the ex out of the picture, and his lawyer stiffed for payment. A slick move to try to avoid paying everyone lands him in a slimy pile.
The morals of the story? Newby lawyers should always get confirmed, certified payment in hand before starting work. Beavers should not count soon to be ex spouses out before the game is called and processed.
Vengeance is hers, thus the judge.
An hilarious explanation of why our favorite legal beagle has a manager who looks after the finances: because someone has to say no in the face of an intriguing challenge, and someone has to make sure the lights stay on and the minions get paid.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
The morals of the story? Newby lawyers should always get confirmed, certified payment in hand before starting work. Beavers should not count soon to be ex spouses out before the game is called and processed.
Vengeance is hers, thus the judge.
An hilarious explanation of why our favorite legal beagle has a manager who looks after the finances: because someone has to say no in the face of an intriguing challenge, and someone has to make sure the lights stay on and the minions get paid.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
June 19, 2019
And so much more. I'm not usually a reader of comedies but this absolutely caught my eye and I could not put it down. So much fun and yet, real. I love it and Portia and comedy has a new fan.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
June 29, 2019
Portia Porter credits the majority of her knowledge about stiffing lawyers to Donny Beaver, who was 32 years older than she and $13 million richer. He found himself, after a “romantic catastrophe”, now living in a badly air-conditioned condo and in need of a lawyer. This was her first week in business, her office coincidentally in the same condo. Her first caller of the day had a drunk son who would pay her IF she would pay his bail money first, since his mother did not have any funds. She declined that one. The next caller could pay the $250 consultation fee when her tax refund arrived at some unspecified date in the future. That one wasn’t looking good either. So when Donny Beaver called, they agreed to meet on Friday.
Donny’s goal was to get out of his marriage with his money intact. A few little snags along the way may allow Mrs. Beaver to get her hands on more than had been intended. So he needed his lawyer to step in and fix those snags. Add in the information that his mistress was now pregnant, and things got more complicated, especially when that little tidbit was not disclosed to Portia until Mrs. Donny Beaver testified at trial, catching Portia completely off guard. And when the courtroom work was over, it was time to pay… except that Donny wasn’t going to release money until the Order was signed by the judge and everything was nailed down properly. Is Portia ever going to get paid for her services? Maybe she would need to re-think her rules of operation regarding payment, even if the client has plenty of money to pay.
This is yet another of the hilarious legal adventures the author is sharing with us. It’s healthy to be able to laugh at the lawyers now and then. From the start, the reader knows what’s coming in the introduction to Donny Beaver. But he must not have realized who he was up against! There are lessons to be learned here! Grab your copy and live vicariously as justice is served!
Donny’s goal was to get out of his marriage with his money intact. A few little snags along the way may allow Mrs. Beaver to get her hands on more than had been intended. So he needed his lawyer to step in and fix those snags. Add in the information that his mistress was now pregnant, and things got more complicated, especially when that little tidbit was not disclosed to Portia until Mrs. Donny Beaver testified at trial, catching Portia completely off guard. And when the courtroom work was over, it was time to pay… except that Donny wasn’t going to release money until the Order was signed by the judge and everything was nailed down properly. Is Portia ever going to get paid for her services? Maybe she would need to re-think her rules of operation regarding payment, even if the client has plenty of money to pay.
This is yet another of the hilarious legal adventures the author is sharing with us. It’s healthy to be able to laugh at the lawyers now and then. From the start, the reader knows what’s coming in the introduction to Donny Beaver. But he must not have realized who he was up against! There are lessons to be learned here! Grab your copy and live vicariously as justice is served!
November 17, 2023
Well that was odd. I couldn't tell if it was fiction, an anecdote of something that actually happened, a cautionary tale or all of the above. If it was an anecdote, then how come the judge involved hasn't been fired for incompetence?
August 27, 2016
This was a fun book to read. I'm the furthest thing from a lawyer but know quite a few so I thought this could be a great way to "read through" their lives in a way. What makes this book great is the fact it isn't littered with lawyer jargon and the story is pretty fast paced. Portia Porter has a wit and cleverness to her writing that makes digesting this story easy and relateable. I've already passed this book onto a lawyer friend of mine breaking into the business. If you enjoy social realism that drips with satire and irony. This book is for you. No prior law knowledge required. Fair warning, after reading, you may find the urge to sue a few people. Try to resist.
December 20, 2016
It was only after quite some time,whilst reading this book, that I realized I had not even sipped my coffee, and I love coffee. Ah yes, this book lured me from my slice of cake as well. It really is that compelling. One gets the distinct feeling of being not just an observer, but actually ( actually) part of the scene itself, sort of like stepping through the looking-glass! Extremely well done!
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews