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The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night
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The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night

3.54  ·  Rating details ·  239 Ratings  ·  37 Reviews
Being turned into a vampire is the easy part.
Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult.

In today’s world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to movies and novels for answers to everlasting life’s questions will inevitably be reduced to a smoldering pile of dust. So whom can you, a neophyte immortal, trust to pr
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Paperback, 240 pages
Published September 8th 2009 by Villard (first published 2009)
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N
Mar 26, 2013 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: english, favorites
I picked this book up as a joke from the bargain bin, but it turned out to be a genuinely interesting and immersive read. The author has really constructed a solid mythology and dives into established vampire lore as well as inventing plenty of new stuff. I was especially surprised by the extensive chapters on vampire relationships, sexuality and even polyamory, issues which are treated with respect and a lot of consideration. I'm not even really into vampire books, but this book had me fascinat ...more
CaroleHeidi
Apr 07, 2013 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: dnf
Not bad for a dip in and out book if you like vampires of the 'realistic'-not-sexy variety. A few laugh out loud gems that I really enjoyed for the first 75 pages or so.

Then it got old and it got old fast.

It felt like the authour(s) were trying way too hard to be funny and the comdey of the style and writing started to feel repetitious and flat and boring.

I gave up and I rarely give up on anything.
Christine_v
Mar 30, 2012 rated it it was ok
Recommended to Christine_v by: A friend
When a friend told me that she had found a handbook for new vampires, I wanted so much to read it! I thought it was going to be fun..
But except for one or two entertaining bits, I found the rest of the book boring. It was like I was searching to find the good part. I didn't find it.
It's easily read but that's all. I'll return it gladly to my friend.
Caspian H.
Jul 28, 2017 rated it it was ok
To be perfectly honest, I did not enjoy reading this book. The only reason it gets two stars instead of one is because some of the lore presented for vampires was interesting. Overall, though, I don't consider this to be a good book. The book is presented through the lens of a narrator, one Miles Proctor. I consider Miles to be rude and conceited, and reading the "Miles says" parts of the book was especially unbearable.

I would not recommend this book, to anyone.
Stefanie
Oct 22, 2017 rated it liked it
Shelves: fact
Fun, very fast read.

Recommended if you want to have fun and not think to much. Great book to read after something more emotional/time consuming.
Bella
Jul 23, 2018 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
an okay book
Jennifer Bourgeois
Cheesy

Half the stuff in the book too stupid. No MySpace anymore it is Facebook. Here is dhampir\ hybrids. I could write a better book.
Mouselet
Jun 21, 2016 rated it it was ok
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
TheVampireBookworm
Jan 14, 2017 rated it really liked it
Shelves: vampire-books
Since the previous books from my reviews didn't repel you and you now need some pointers when it comes to your new undead life because the tall, dark and handsome probably left you, you are lucky to have this book at your disposal.
It will tell you a lot. And by a lot I mean everything. The Vampire who wrote this took into account the flood of newly created vampires without their sires to teach them all about their new lives. He was alarmed by the lack of experience the American vampires had, he
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Kathy
Aug 19, 2013 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Parents of Twilight fans
Recommended to Kathy by: Jeremy
This is one of the funniest vampire books I've ever read in my life. Many of the writers are current or former Onion folks, so that should give you some idea. Written from the viewpoint of a centuries-old vampire trying to help the newly "turned" vamps, this book joyously skewers (stakes?) pop culture's obsession with blood-suckers, yet does so with love. Where the book really hits the mark, though, is in its subtle political and social satire (e.g., reading "Atlas Shrugged" and realizing Object ...more
Micha Meinderts
Jan 06, 2010 rated it liked it
I liked the werewolf version better, which is funny because I prefer vampires. The way this book describes the vampire life is far less glamorous than usual, nights are mostly spent hunting. Doesn't seem too great. Also a few other details that the authors made up I didn't really care for.

Furthermore, it seems to be really sexist. All the great vampires are male and women don't seem to be featured at all in vampire life, unless in a typically female setting. Positive point is the few references
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chucklesthescot
I really enjoyed reading this book. It is the ultimate guide for the newly turned vampire to help you to adjust to your new undead life. It has tips on feeding, where to live, how to survive vampire slayers, things to avoid, handy websites, how to use your new strengths and combat your weaknesses. It has stories from your vampire host about mistakes he has made and tips on how to make the most of a natural disaster.

It is fully illustrated and these cartoons are very funny. There is a good mix of
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Tamara Eaker
This book came out shortly after the zombie survival guide and works from the same basic principle. It's a "How to, for beginners". It gives the reader, and recently turned vampire, all the information you could possibly need to start out your new life as a vampire. I think I bought this book shortly after reading the twilight series, so I was obviously obsessed. I liked this book, it was fun to read and quirky in info. I really enjoyed the fact that the authors were not to serious about the inf ...more
Carrie
Sep 17, 2009 rated it liked it
Shelves: vampires
Neat little book that both makes fun of Twilight (sort of, and only a little bit), and references 'real' vampire lore. One of the first books like this that I actually enjoyed and breezed right through.
Haytch
Oct 14, 2011 rated it really liked it
Shelves: vampire-lore
Pretty humourous "guide" for what you need to prepare yourself for after being turned into a vampire. Pokes fun at Twilight, Anne Rice's vampires, and a few other mythological things about vampires. A neat little read.
rebecca
Jan 27, 2011 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
you never know when you're going to run into a kid you knew decades ago, when you were five years old, who is somehow still only five years old, because somehow at the age of five he turned into a vampire. i'm just saying. wouldn't you like to be prepared?
Nicole
Meh. It was ok. Got kinda gross at times though.
Shannonigans
Dec 02, 2014 rated it really liked it
Very funny
Benjamin Barnes
SUPPOSED to be funny was just really boring
Schnaucl
It was an amusing read. There were tips about things like making sure you keep up with the current trends and fashions, how to pass as a family, etc. I was entertained.
Jennifer
Sep 20, 2011 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: humour, paranormal
The definitive and very funny guide to being a vampire. I have learned a lot - who knew vampires and scrapbooking were such a good match?
Kita
Jun 09, 2012 rated it liked it
Shelves: fun-quick, meh
This book is a very quick, and fun read. It goes over all the essentials for a new vampire. It was very good at answering any questions, but lacked anything extra that impressed me.

3/5
Alycia
Oct 21, 2009 rated it it was amazing
This book is funny as hell & I highly recommend this for anyone who likes vampires and has a sense of humour. :)
Brandi
Had to force myself to finish this. I'm not sure what I was expecting but this was not it.
Marissa Mcdaniel
Jun 24, 2014 rated it it was amazing
Absolutely adorable, Garden mixes in folk lore and humor and blends it together seamlessly.
Kaethe
Mar 22, 2011 marked it as to-read
it was "the joy of scrapbooking" in the description that sold me.
Eva
Jul 22, 2015 rated it it was amazing
I oved it. I actually pretended to have recently be turned to a vampire and i had so much fun. I was like "garlic, got it, stay away"
Katrin
Nov 16, 2014 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Στην αρχή είχε και πλάκα αλλά δεν κράτησε και για πολύ. Λίγο πριν βαρετό μου φάνηκε σαν να τους τελείωσαν τα καλά αστεία. Κρίμα αφού ήταν καλή ιδέα και γέλασα μερικές φορές παρά πολύ.
E.J.
Jun 26, 2014 rated it really liked it
Well-written and humorous (what else was I expecting from writers from the Onion though!).
Reminds me a lot of Max Brooks "The Zombie Survival Guide," but from the view of a vampire.
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THE DEVIOUS BOOK FOR CATS

Cats have nine lives. Shouldnt they be lived to the fullest?

Domesticated does not mean docile. The ho-hum routine of sleep, eat, eat, and sleep is no way for any creature who ruled Egypt for a millennium to spend her day. Its high time felines everywhere woke up from their cat naps and grabbed lifes strings with both paws.

The Devious Book for Cats offers todays discerning
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