Staying with Conflict: A Strategic Approach to Ongoing Disputes

by Bernard S. Mayer

Winner of the 2009 CPR Award for Outstanding Book In this groundbreaking book, Bernard Mayer, a pioneer in the field of conflict resolution, offers a new paradigm for dealing with long-term disputes. Mayer explains that when dealing with enduring conflict, mediators and other conflict resolution specialists need to move past the idea of how quickly they can resolve the conflict. Instead, they should focus on how they can help people prepare to engage with an issue over time. Once their attention is directed away from a speedy resolution to a long-term approach, new avenues of intervention become apparent. 

Genres: Psychology, Business

296 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like to read mediation books rather slowly, a chapter at a time, trying to apply what I'm learning as I go. This most recently completedis one that has had and will have a great impact on my attitude about what I do as a mediator. Bernie Mayer (and I'll take the liberty of shortening his name as he is a fellow Nebraskan that I have heard speak) begins by claiming that the thought that mediation can resolve all conflict is not realistic, because conflict is part of what defines who we are--points of conflict often come from strongly held values, that are not going to be given up in order to resolve an issue. However, often conflicts are in regard to issues and people with whom it is important to stay involved. He advocates helping people become constructively engaged with each other. That means continuing to advocate for what we want while also trying to understand how others think and feel about the issue. It requires maintaining a clear sense of our own values, but being open to ways of honoring the values of others. Along the way, you find you can resolve some issues, even while realizing you will probably always be in conflict; and you can develop ways to stay in communication without avoiding the key issues that cause the conflict. It's not easy work whether you are helping others or are trying to do it yourself, however it is also a great way to grow, and I would add, the best basis I can see for working toward peace.

In some ways, this book is a whole new approach for me, as I've always been a "pleaser" who would rather keep quiet than disagree. However, my copy is well marked, and I am in the process of writing notes from the book that I can reread before I go into mediation....or for that manner when I feel it is important that I do share a conflicting idea with another.

[Scott Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mayer helpfully points out in this collection the hard reality that all conflict is not as resolvable as is often portrayed in conflict resolution writings. In fact, his approach outlines a fairly reasonable perspective for facing ongoing conflict, managing the emotions and interactions that are central to it and mitigating the risks associated with letting it get carried. This book fills a much needed space in the conflict resolution spectrum.

[Stela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on conflict!

While most books focus on conflict resolution and reaching an agreement (as soon as possible), this book focuses on the though and often hidden and underestimated challenge of handling an ongoing conflict, and takes a strategic approach to solving long-term conflicts.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this for my conflict class, but it was so interesting I would have kept reading even if I weren't in the class. Interesting insights into the nature of conflict, power and narratives.