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When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-less and Resource-full
The author of the best-selling How to Be an Adult explains in his popular style how fear cripples our ability to release our full potential. He then presents a concrete program of change for overcoming this fear. Richo looks at th deepest roots of fear: fear of love, loss, change, being alone, fear of others, fear of self-disclosure, fear of giving and receiving, coming and going. His program includes becoming defense-less, that is, allowing ourselves to feel fear without our buffering defenses, and then becoming resource-full, that is, learning to act in new ways.Features --
-- is written in a conversational tone, yet is informed by dozens of sources and years of professional experience
-- helps distinguish between neurotic fear and appropriate fear
-- integrates psychology with an ecumenical spirituality
-- includes affirmations, suggestions, and concrete actions
-- is written in a conversational tone, yet is informed by dozens of sources and years of professional experience
-- helps distinguish between neurotic fear and appropriate fear
-- integrates psychology with an ecumenical spirituality
-- includes affirmations, suggestions, and concrete actions
228 pages, Paperback
First published April 30, 1997
62 people are currently reading
500 people want to read
About the author
David Richo
88 books535 followersDavid Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
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July 9, 2010I generally love Richo's writings - they are simple yet powerful and dig to the heart of the matter in a way that is uncompromising, yet soft, forgiving, and compassionate. If you value self-work and growth, any book of his would probably be a good introduction to his writings. "When Love Meets Fear" is becoming a favorite though, calling to conscious awareness two vary basic and powerful forces in the psyche - love and fear. I choose Love. What do you choose?
June 26, 2017
I thought that this book was incredible. Richo's book was recommended to me by a friend who had found it very helpful.
I found that he made suggestions about the description of fear that made many things in my life VERY clear for me. He also made suggestions of how to get around fears (especially those fears that were nonsensical). I found that to be very helpful.
There were parts that I could not quite understand, however. There was an entire chapter on "the void". I rather imagine that this might speak to someone who has encountered "a void". I have not and, after reading this chapter, I suppose I am pretty lucky in that. I don't try to understand that chapter.
His comments and subsequent paragraphs involving religion or any faith-based comments had zero resonance for me. Perhaps this may strike other people differently, but I was literally unable to grasp what he was saying when he spoke of Faith. The other topics made very clear sense. It was an odd sensation to understand so much so very clearly and then to miss out on an entire point.
Despite those two items, I found I enjoyed this book a great deal.
SPOILER!!!
[spoilers removed]
I oversimplify and paraphrase, but that was what I got from it. I highly recommend you read it, if you've an interest in finding out specifics.
I found that he made suggestions about the description of fear that made many things in my life VERY clear for me. He also made suggestions of how to get around fears (especially those fears that were nonsensical). I found that to be very helpful.
There were parts that I could not quite understand, however. There was an entire chapter on "the void". I rather imagine that this might speak to someone who has encountered "a void". I have not and, after reading this chapter, I suppose I am pretty lucky in that. I don't try to understand that chapter.
His comments and subsequent paragraphs involving religion or any faith-based comments had zero resonance for me. Perhaps this may strike other people differently, but I was literally unable to grasp what he was saying when he spoke of Faith. The other topics made very clear sense. It was an odd sensation to understand so much so very clearly and then to miss out on an entire point.
Despite those two items, I found I enjoyed this book a great deal.
SPOILER!!!
[spoilers removed]
I oversimplify and paraphrase, but that was what I got from it. I highly recommend you read it, if you've an interest in finding out specifics.
December 22, 2023
This book is fantastic. I'm always dipping into it and recommending it to clients. Uncomfortable reading at times but it could change your life if you let it :-)
July 8, 2025
Definitely very insightful on fearing love, how to overcome it and what to do if you have a partner who is fearful. Some parts were to philosophical for me, but I just jumped over them. I would definitely recommend reading this book!
August 29, 2021
I gave this a 4 and not a five because David Richo is clearly well read, well beyond average. In order to connect with much of the stories he references you yourself would need to be as well. Because he does go off on a lot of tangents drawing from other readings to demonstrate his points. Which often times aren't even necessary.
Some of my key takeaways are that fear can be masked by aggression and passivity. And that ultimately a lot of our diverse behaviors are rooted in fear. And that the opposite of fear is love.
David Richo gives one of the best explanations of affirmations and what they are, how to use them, and how to write them that I have read so far. I highly recommend anyone to take a look at this. He makes it easy to clearly understand their use, purpose, and how to write affirmations that will serve you to reach the next level in your life.
The parts on enlightenment and transcending unconscious and subconscious seem to be a little bit above and beyond me. Perhaps if I read more about these subjects it will make more sense.
Some of my key takeaways are that fear can be masked by aggression and passivity. And that ultimately a lot of our diverse behaviors are rooted in fear. And that the opposite of fear is love.
David Richo gives one of the best explanations of affirmations and what they are, how to use them, and how to write them that I have read so far. I highly recommend anyone to take a look at this. He makes it easy to clearly understand their use, purpose, and how to write affirmations that will serve you to reach the next level in your life.
The parts on enlightenment and transcending unconscious and subconscious seem to be a little bit above and beyond me. Perhaps if I read more about these subjects it will make more sense.
July 12, 2017
"The essence of joy is empowerment. Victims weep; choice-makers rejoice."
This is a compact, powerful book. I can and will recommend it to anyone in my life. One of the revelations from this book is how ensnared we *all* are in subtle, neurotic fears (while denying that there is any fear at all). When Love Meets Fear did not just tell me about my fear, but about how to actualize my self-empowerment through decision making and affirmations.
"By owning my longings, ... I choose to deepen my sense of (their) force and frustration."
As always, Richo has a subtle Buddhist undertone to his practical therapy (and this book *is* therapy). I'm sympathetic and appreciative of that infusion. However, I think it wouldn't bother anyone who is not. Similar to other Richo works, he wraps the book up with a chapter dedicated to more enlightenment-based Buddhist philosophy. Even I found this a bit tough and less practical than the rest of the book and I chose to skim it.
This is a compact, powerful book. I can and will recommend it to anyone in my life. One of the revelations from this book is how ensnared we *all* are in subtle, neurotic fears (while denying that there is any fear at all). When Love Meets Fear did not just tell me about my fear, but about how to actualize my self-empowerment through decision making and affirmations.
"By owning my longings, ... I choose to deepen my sense of (their) force and frustration."
As always, Richo has a subtle Buddhist undertone to his practical therapy (and this book *is* therapy). I'm sympathetic and appreciative of that infusion. However, I think it wouldn't bother anyone who is not. Similar to other Richo works, he wraps the book up with a chapter dedicated to more enlightenment-based Buddhist philosophy. Even I found this a bit tough and less practical than the rest of the book and I chose to skim it.
June 15, 2018
THIS book...I could see using this book like a Bible. I have read this more than once. I have an electronic and paperback copy. I love this.
March 24, 2023
Way too technical to be absorbed smoothly.
March 4, 2012
"Humans are walking danger detectors. Because most of our brain and nervous system is hardwired to our fight or flight response, we are often highjacked by fear into reactivity. Learning how to befriend and manage fear is one of the keys to becoming an effective leader, or to just managing life.
I liked Richo's book very much. It helps objectify our relationship with fear and provides many useful insights and tools with which to manage it.
Some readers may find Richo's writing to be too poetic and possibly not structured enough. For readers focused on cultivating mindfulness or doing shadow work, the book will provide a useful tool for understanding and transcending our complex relationship with fear.
This was the first book read on the Kindle Fire. I like the form factor, size and weight of the Fire. The back light is easy on the eyes and makes it easy to read in the dark without a reading light. I missed being able to make notes and book mark pages. Next up is learning how to use the equivalent features on the device. "
I liked Richo's book very much. It helps objectify our relationship with fear and provides many useful insights and tools with which to manage it.
Some readers may find Richo's writing to be too poetic and possibly not structured enough. For readers focused on cultivating mindfulness or doing shadow work, the book will provide a useful tool for understanding and transcending our complex relationship with fear.
This was the first book read on the Kindle Fire. I like the form factor, size and weight of the Fire. The back light is easy on the eyes and makes it easy to read in the dark without a reading light. I missed being able to make notes and book mark pages. Next up is learning how to use the equivalent features on the device. "
November 8, 2011
I read this book because I really loved Richo's prior work - How To Be An Adult. This one was not as good, but Richo still has a knack for articulating things that are hard to put into words. I felt this book was a bit more meandering and less focused than How To Be An Adult. But, his basic philosophy and approach are consistent. Near the end, he includes a long list of affirmations and advises readers to stop using an affirmation if it's not realistic and/or hasn't made a positive impact after 30 days. Later, he recommends readers use paradoxical affirmations - that are deliberately unrealistic and claims that they work wonders. Seems like a contradiction to me.
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June 28, 2007Another great book. spoke to me about my fears around intimacy and how fear keeps us inprisoned.
December 18, 2007
helped me learn a lot about myself, but it took a lot of self reflection - not always a pretty thing
March 24, 2010
Very interesting ideas.
September 14, 2010
Another solid entry from Richo...
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews