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The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex

David M. Buss

3.96 · Rating details · 219 ratings · 17 reviews

Why do men and women cheat on each other? How do men really feel when their partners have sex with other men? What worries women more -- men who turn to other women for love or men who simply want sexual variety in their lives? Can the jealousy husbands and wives experience over real or imagined infidelities be cured? Should it be? In this surprising and engaging ...more

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Hardcover, 272 pages

Published February 14th 2000 by Free Press (first published 2000)

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Aug 28, 2017 Jaidee rated it liked it

Recommends it for: green eyed girlz and boyz

Recommended to Jaidee by: topic of interest

Shelves: three-ana-half-stars-books

3.5 "well laid out, thought provoking but over-reaching" stars !!

This is a poem by Sappho after she catches her beloved Queen Lesbia flirting with a man !!

He is a god in my eyes, that man,
Given to sit in front of you
And close to himself sweetly to hear
The sound of you speaking.

Your magical laughter — this I swear —
Batters my heart — my breast astir —
My voice when I see you suddenly near
Refuses to come.

My tongue breaks up and a delicate fire
Runs through my flesh; I see not a thing
With my eyes, ...more

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Feb 05, 2016 Brandt rated it really liked it

Shelves: non-fiction

I am a robot.

At least sometimes it feels like I am a robot. And I guess there is some truth to it. I tend to view everything through a overly logical lens. From where I sit, emotional entanglements tend to fuck things up, so I dismiss the emotions that I feel get in the way of making logical decisions. As such I think that I have managed to short circuit some of those emotions in myself, including jealousy.

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but reading David M. Buss' The Dangerous ...more

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Nov 27, 2011 Dan rated it really liked it

I am a sucker for "how do people really work" with experimental evidence. This book delivers. David is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas who has spent a serious hunk of his career studying the strategies of human mating. Jealousy has evolved to protect against infidelity. Infidelity is bad for those being cheated upon because their genes are less likely to be passed on to a future generation. This book explores infidelity (especially the meat market-- what makes someone ...more

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Dec 31, 2018 mark rated it really liked it

Recommends it for: humans

Shelves: nonfiction, mental-health, relationships, evolutionary-psychology

Happy new year - this might come in handy:

The trouble with this type of book is there are so many references, in this case approximately 275. Now who’s going to read all of those, much less verify the research and so on. In addition, it can get tedious reading about all the studies as well as all the anecdotal evidence. After all, most of the research is based on self-report questionnaires and those only tell us what people imagine, think, or believe about them. In other words, they are not Happy new year - this might come in handy:

The trouble with this type of book is there are so many references, in this case approximately 275. Now who’s going to read all of those, much less verify the research and so on. In addition, it can get tedious reading about all the studies as well as all the anecdotal evidence. After all, most of the research is based on self-report questionnaires and those only tell us what people imagine, think, or believe about them. In other words, they are not exactly reliable. As Bobbi Low said in her book Why Sex Matters, “What people say is often not consistent with what we observe them doing.” Low, like Buss, can be categorized as an evolutionary theorist (as am I), and she has 1,140 references, as well as glossary, author, subject, taxonomic, and society/social group indexes! She cites Buss four times. I like her style more. Nevertheless, this book ought to be read by serious thinkers, however, more often than not evolutionists are pooh-poohed because most of the world believes in some other story about how we humans came into being. Buss addresses this problem in the last chapter, “Emotional Wisdom”, saying “knowledge of sex differences [meaning that men and women have evolved different ‘strategies’ / behaviors when it comes to their instinctual emotions and motivations] is critical if we are to stand any chance of dealing with the evolved demons that lurk within all of us.” Others have called these demons “whisperings within” and “shadows of forgotten ancestors.” The point is—do so [ignore evolutionary motivations] at your peril. Because, as Buss states repeatedly, “evolution is an inherently competitive process.” His point about jealousy is that it “evolved to protect the loss of love and [especially] to a rival.” This is explained via the “theory of bond testing”, a method by which an individual makes a cost/benefit analysis and decision with regard to if they can trust a potential mate to stick with and by them through thick and thin [also known as love] when things go wrong – as they almost always do in the real world.
Jealousy is a complex emotion, a secondary emotion, a reflex/reaction to psychological pain and hurt that can manifest in rage, shame, depression, anxiety, confusion, suspicion, sorrow, injured pride, and fear of abandonment, as well as physical pain and the oft referenced “broken heart”, which can in fact lead to death—which evolution evolved us to resist. Jealousy is, Buss points out, a coping mechanism, an adaptation, not a pathology! That’s a “jagged little pill” for many mental health professionals. Jealousy is distinguished from envy, and it’s an important one. [Another reason to read the book.]
The rage and hate toward Donald Trump being expressed by Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and the rest of the political Left today can be explained, it can be argued, by jealousy, which is something I do in my just published book, Election 2016: the Great Divide, the Great Debate. You can read the press release here: www.markedwardjabbour.com and perhaps get a free copy, or purchase it here:
www.markjabbour.com .
Buss, early in the book, quoting Martin Daly and Margo Wilson define jealousy as: “a state that is aroused by a perceived [or real] threat to a valued relationship or position [emphasis mine] and motivates behavior at countering the threat.” And, “Jealousy motivates action designed to deal with the threat.” “Impeach forty-five!” and so on, and on, and on.
Buss reminds readers that jealousy and love are inextricable.
To that, a personal anecdote.
I once had a relationship with a woman who said she never experienced jealousy, and that seemed true to me and should have warned me not to take the relationship seriously. But, I didn’t heed the warning and fell for her. She was so confident in her exquisiteness that she couldn’t imagine a lover would ever leave her, and history has proven her correct. She is the one who leaves, always. Which can be interpreted, from the bond testing theory and Buss’s jealousy research, that she is incapable of loving another in the true sense of the word (through thick and thin, etc.)? Now, the reasons for her being unable to commit to love? That’s another discussion that other books have been written about. This, yes exquisite woman, is supporting evidence to the reticulate fact of love and jealousy—that you can’t have one without the other; and that jealousy is not a pathology but an evolved adaptation in the service of the survival of the human species.
...more

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Jul 15, 2019 Dennis Littrell rated it it was amazing

"Necessary" from the POV of the genes...

Jealousy exists, like love and sex, to help propagate an individual's genes. It is a mechanism of the species to help insure for males paternity, and for females that their offspring receive the benefit of male protection, support and guidance. Jealousy is not "necessary" (as the subtitle disinformationally suggests) in the same sense that sex per se is necessary; nor is it an emotion, like love, that we might want to retain, had we our druthers. Jealousy "Necessary" from the POV of the genes...

Jealousy exists, like love and sex, to help propagate an individual's genes. It is a mechanism of the species to help insure for males paternity, and for females that their offspring receive the benefit of male protection, support and guidance. Jealousy is not "necessary" (as the subtitle disinformationally suggests) in the same sense that sex per se is necessary; nor is it an emotion, like love, that we might want to retain, had we our druthers. Jealousy is the emotional downside of the sexual/reproductive strategies employed by humans. It is "necessary" in the same sense (although not to the same degree) that pain is necessary. Furthermore, in the environment we now find ourselves, as opposed to the prehistoric savannahs in which the mechanism of jealousy proved adaptive, it is unnecessary, and something we might want to understand and come to grips with in an attempt to lessen its hold on us.

But what this book is really about is infidelity, how and why it occurs, and what can be done to forestall it. In this context, jealousy (not envy which is directed at somebody who has something we want) is seen as an adaptive mechanism to protect the individual against a straying partner, either through heightened awareness or through inducing threats of reprisal, or through actual punishment of the infidel. Buss, a psychologist and author of the college text, Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, uses case histories from our culture and others and the results of personality inventories laced with humor to illustrate how the experience of jealousy leads to "mate guarding" and "mate retention tactics" that help the individual secure his or her position in the "mating market." As such jealousy is seen as a "signal" to both one's self (awakening one to the imminent danger of infidelity) and to one's partner (as a warning that one is on to the other's tricks). Consequently, Buss defines jealousy (p. 196) as "an adaptive signal of an impending threat to a primary love relationship." Included in this view is the understanding that infidelity, painful as it is, is a normal human behavior practiced by "as many as half of all married individuals."

The style here is easy and accessible to a wide range of readers. The material is light-hearted (inasmuch as such a serious subject can be) but without any pasting-over of the dangers of jealousy. Underpinning the exposition is a thorough knowledge of human sexuality as derived from biology and evolutionary psychology. Buss not only knows what he is talking about, but imparts the information in a manner that, chapter by chapter, leads the reader to a deep and satisfying understanding of infidelity and the mechanism of jealousy.

Along the way we learn some unsettling facts. For example, marital happiness has no effect on the instance of male infidelity. "In fact, 56 percent of the men who were having affairs judged their marriage to be very happy" (p. 146). Or that women pursue a sexual strategy including a "desire to stray" that "exists today solely because that's what benefitted ancestral women" (p. 159). We also learn which type of personality is likely to stray (pp. 148-151) and that the more attractive partners ("those...higher in mate value") are more likely to cheat (p. 143). Also interesting is the semi-obvious observation that women can attract a higher-ranked male on a one-night stand than as a husband (and so might), and that men will stoop to lower-ranked females for pure sex than those they choose for wives.

Buss devotes the last two chapters to coping mechanisms. He concludes with the fine observation that "knowledge...of our dangerous passions...will, in some small measure, give us the emotional wisdom to deal with them." This observation is what evolutionary psychology is all about, and why it is the emergent psychology of the twenty-first century.

Best joke (p. 185): At a therapist's gathering with a straying husband, his wife and the other woman, the wife informs the affairee that she is still sleeping with her husband, and that he has lied to both of them. "The affairee felt betrayed and stalked out, saying...that all men betray their wives, but only a real asshole would betray his girlfriend." Buss adds, "Therapy was unsuccessful in this case."

--Dennis Littrell, author of “The World Is Not as We Think It Is”
...more

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Aug 08, 2019 Tina rated it liked it

I'm interested in psychology and the psychology of relationships fascinate me, which is why I picked up this book. I rated it highly because, even though I read a lot of psychology books, this one had material I've not read before. I took away a few stars because 1) the title is a misleading, and 2) the writing style is quite research-y.

With respect to the misleading title, the author DOES cover jealousy, but a good portion of the book (half?) discusses infidelity and other subjects related to ...more

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Jul 19, 2017 Kimberley rated it it was amazing

This book astonished me. I had no idea that jealousy was so useful! I had no idea it was so necessary. I had no idea how dangerous it can be. David Buss made jealously make complete sense to me even while it's very complex. Mostly, he puts the onus on the liar and cheater, not the jealous partner.

I underlined and dog-eared many pages and excerpts. Here's one: "... less attractive men, usually unsuccessful in charming women, allotted far more time to tending the home nest, doing household ...more

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Sep 30, 2018 Malcolm Gorman rated it it was amazing

Just as cognitive science, neurology, endocrinology etc. begin to make the DSM look like a classification of symptoms with little in the way of an aetiological foundation, evolutionary psychology begins to make sense of some major and too often dangerous emotions which on the surface seem irrational.

They are more curb-able than cure-able. And given their destructive power and underlying roots, require more effective treatment and active dissuasion. A stalker or ex-partner killer requires far ...more

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Jun 13, 2019 Juliet rated it liked it

Shelves: 2018-books

Scientific look at feelings as necessary in regards to sex and love. Pretty interesting. Definitely gets you thinking about what love is, and whether jealousy is really required in this day and age where traditional sex roles are no longer required.

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Jan 03, 2018 Margaretha Chomsi rated it it was amazing

Awesome!!

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Jul 30, 2019 Othman rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: relationships, psychology

Very interesting! I mostly like the fact that the book is replete with studies that corroborate the claim the author makes.

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Jan 26, 2018 Piotr Szybicki rated it really liked it

Another good book by the author. Considers human jealousy as part of adaptive mechanism that often is necessary for a happy relationships.

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Jan 03, 2016 Miss Mouse rated it it was amazing

Shelves: psychology

I thought this book was very interesting and insightful. I never really thought about why people get jealous and why people do it. It was interesting to see all the things that contribute to jealousy and why people want to cause jealousy. It definitely opened my eyes about jealousy and how sometimes it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

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Jan 31, 2014 Rachael Kvapil rated it really liked it

Initially, I read after getting caught up in the jealousy trap of two male friends. But most of this was much too in-depth or didn't apply to that simple scenario. I finished the book and used it for research for my fiction writing. Quite fascinating though I probably could have deducted a lot of this from watching Spanish novellas.

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Sep 19, 2008 David rated it it was ok

Eh ... not really backed up with anything scientific .. a lot of assumptions and guesses, didn't make it all the way through the book -- interesting idea that jealousy is an evolved characteristic necessary for survival ...

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Dec 21, 2014 Anri rated it really liked it

Shelves: non-fiction

This book has a lot of just-so logic going on, but I found it weirdly entertaining to read.

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Feb 28, 2014 Jenni rated it it was amazing

Well, if there was ever a book that reminded me to feel fortunate and grateful to be single and unattached, this would be the one! Table for one, please!

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About David M. Buss

David M. Buss

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David M. Buss is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, known for his evolutionary psychology research on human sex differences in mate selection.
Buss earned his PhD in psychology at University of California, Berkeley in 1981. Before becoming a professor at the University of Texas, he was assistant professor for four years at Harvard University, and he was a professor at David M. Buss is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, known for his evolutionary psychology research on human sex differences in mate selection.
Buss earned his PhD in psychology at University of California, Berkeley in 1981. Before becoming a professor at the University of Texas, he was assistant professor for four years at Harvard University, and he was a professor at the University of Michigan for eleven years.
The primary topics of his research include mating strategies, conflict between the sexes, social status, social reputation, prestige, the emotion of jealousy, homicide, anti-homicide defenses, and—most recently—stalking. All of these are approached from an evolutionary perspective. Buss is the author of more than 200 scientific articles and has won many awards, including an APA Distinguished Scientific Award for Early Career Contribution to Psychology in 1988 and an APA G. Stanley Hall Lectureship in 1990.
Buss is the author of a number of publications and books, including The Evolution of Desire, The Dangerous Passion, and The Murderer Next Door, which introduces a new theory of homicide from an evolutionary perspective. He is also the author of Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, whose fourth edition was released in 2011. In 2005, Buss edited a reference volume, The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology. His latest book is Why Women Have Sex, which he coauthored with Cindy Meston.
Buss is involved with extensive cross-cultural research collaborations and lectures within the U.S.

Education:
Ph.D.University of California,Berkeley:1981
B.A.University of Texas, Austin: 1976
Academic Employment History:
1996-Present Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Texas, Austin.
1991-1996 Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Michigan.
1985-1991 Associate Professor: Department of Psychology, University of Michigan.
1981-1985 Assistant Professor, Department of Psychology, Harvard University (promoted to Associate Professor, Harvard, 1985) ...more