What do you think?
Rate this book
Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and coach, author Mark Goulston combines his background with the latest scientific research to help readers turn the “impossible” and “unreachable” people in their lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends. Just Listen does this by providing simple but powerful techniques readers can use to really get through to people. You’ll learn how to: make a powerful and positive first impression; listen effectively; make even a total stranger (potential client) feel understood; talk an angry or aggressive person away from an instinctual, unproductive reaction and toward a more rational mindset; and achieve buy-in--the linchpin of all persuasion, negotiation, and sales. Whether they're coworkers, friends, strangers, or enemies, the first make-or-break step in persuading anyone to do anything is getting them to hear you out. With this groundbreaking book, readers will be able to master the fine but critical art of effective communication.
234 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 2009
About the author
Mark Goulston
28 books154 followersMARK GOULSTON, M.D., is a business psychiatrist and consultant, author of the bestselling Just Listen, and subject of the PBS special “Just Listen with Dr. Goulston.” He writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in major media including The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 557 reviews
July 28, 2020
My first ever self-help book that I finished and actually enjoyed. The advice in this book was original and the conversation examples were wonderful. The authors stress that the techniques offered in this book must be used out of sincerity and not malicious reasons. I even recommended this book to a few of my high school teachers when I finished it. This book deserves all the praise it has received.
July 28, 2011
An excellent book, I'll probably buy it in paperback and re-read it periodically.
Some reminders of what it says:
Stop trying to be interesting, be interested instead.
Practice moving quickly from: Oh fuck! (reaction) to Oh God! (emotional release) to Oh Jeez (re-centre yourself) to Oh well (re-focus) to OK (you are ready to fix this).
Everyone wants to feel "felt".
Letting a person in crisis exhale: they vent, be quiet, they stop, say "tell me more", don't engage or debate or offer solutions, just listen and let them exhale.
Make everyone feel valuable.
Share your own vulnerabilities (bare your neck).
Steer clear of toxic people: the needy, bullies, takers, narcissists, and psychopaths.
Ask: What is impossible but desirable? Then ask: What would make that possible?
Empathy Jolt: put them into another's shoes
Reverse Empathy Jolt: apologize for what you do that creates resentment, upsets or annoys them
Ask: "Do you really believe that?" when they make a hyperbolic statement.
The power of "Hmmmm...." (and "Really" and "And so..." and "Tell me more" and "Then what happened?") to de-escalate.
Cause people to look up (with their eyes) and reflect on your question - you'll make a better connection with them than if your question is transactional.
Side by side
Fill in the blanks
Until someone says "no" to you, you're not asking for enough (generally meant in a work context).
The Power Thanks You & the Power Apology
Some reminders of what it says:
Stop trying to be interesting, be interested instead.
Practice moving quickly from: Oh fuck! (reaction) to Oh God! (emotional release) to Oh Jeez (re-centre yourself) to Oh well (re-focus) to OK (you are ready to fix this).
Everyone wants to feel "felt".
Letting a person in crisis exhale: they vent, be quiet, they stop, say "tell me more", don't engage or debate or offer solutions, just listen and let them exhale.
Make everyone feel valuable.
Share your own vulnerabilities (bare your neck).
Steer clear of toxic people: the needy, bullies, takers, narcissists, and psychopaths.
Ask: What is impossible but desirable? Then ask: What would make that possible?
Empathy Jolt: put them into another's shoes
Reverse Empathy Jolt: apologize for what you do that creates resentment, upsets or annoys them
Ask: "Do you really believe that?" when they make a hyperbolic statement.
The power of "Hmmmm...." (and "Really" and "And so..." and "Tell me more" and "Then what happened?") to de-escalate.
Cause people to look up (with their eyes) and reflect on your question - you'll make a better connection with them than if your question is transactional.
Side by side
Fill in the blanks
Until someone says "no" to you, you're not asking for enough (generally meant in a work context).
The Power Thanks You & the Power Apology
September 17, 2016
یه کتاب که حتما همه برای بهتر شدن زندگیشون و روابطشون باید بخونن
چرا دعوا؟ چون بلد نیستیم حرف بزنیم.
چرا نوجوون ساعت ها با دوستش تلفنی حرف می زنه ولی نگاه به پدر و مادرش نمی کنه؟
چون پدر و مادر یاد نگرفتن با نوجوونشون چه طور صحبت کنن
چرا مصاحبه کاریتون موفقیت آمیز نیست و همش رد می شید؟
چرا توی دوستیاتون مشکلای کوچیک باعث اختلافای بزرگ می شه؟
چرا فلان همکارتون از شما خوشش نمیاد؟
چرا شریک زندگیتون فقط با فریاد جوابتون و می ده؟
چرا مدیر شرکت به کسی که مهارتش از شما پایین تره ارتقاء مقام می ده ولی به شما نه؟
جواب: چون یاد نگرفتین چه طور ارتباط برقرار کنید.
چند مثال اساسی از کتاب
آدمها در زندگی نیازها، تمایلات و اهداف خود را دارند و زندگی پر استرسی را سپری می کنند. آن ها برای کنار آمدن با استرس ها و نگرانی هایشان، موانع ذهنی با شما ایجاد می کنند که ایجاد یک ارتباط موثر را غیر ممکن می کند و حتی ممکن است در صورت اختلاف نظر، حالت تهاجمی به خود بگیرند.
راه حل:
برای اینکه آدم ها را حتی در عصبانی ترین حالت متقاعد و آرام کنید، نباید با آن ها حرف بزنید و دلیل و منطق در برابرشان ردیف کنید. تنها کافیست که گوش کنید. اما:
گوش دادن به قصد فهمیدن، نه جواب دادن
بسیار مهم
آدم های عصبانی در پایین ترین لایه مغز از سه لایه موجود (مغز خزنده نوع(مسئول بقا و اقداماتی مثل رفع گرسنگی یا عصبانیت و جنگ)، مغز لیمبیک(مسئول درک و ابراز احساسات) و مغز کورتکس که مسئول منطق، تفکر و تصمیم گیری هست) فعالیت و رفتار می کنند و در این حالت لایه های بالایی مغز از مدار محاسبات خارج می شوند
به همین خاطر است که با فرد عصبانی نمی توان از دریچه منطق صحبت کرد.
راه حل چیست
راه حل اینست که فرد را ابتدا با درک کردن احساساتش به لایه لیمبیک برده تا عصبانیت و خشم او فروکش کند و پس از آن با یک سری تکنیک ها مغز منطقی او را وارد مدار محاسباتش کنیم. تنها درین حالت امکان برقراری ارتباط وجود دارد.
اگر می خواهید جایگاه مثبتی نزد مردم داشته باشید و بتوانید ارتباطی بسیار موثر برقرار کنید:
ابتدا حرف های آن ها را بشنوید و نشان دهید که صحبت ها و مهمتر از آن احساسات آن ها را در مورد موضوع مورد بحث درک کرده اید.
دوم اینکه به آن ها احساس مفید، مهم و ارزشمند بودن بدهید
رعایت همین دو نکته بسیار ساده قدرت بسیار زیادی به شما در کلیه روابط خواهد داد.
پس در مواجه با هر شخص عصبانی، ابتدا کنترل خود را در اختیار بگیرید که بر اساس غریضه عمل و رفتار نکنید تا بتوانید سکوت کنید و طرف مقابل را بفهمید
یک تکنیک ساده و قدرتمند برای به دست گرفتن کنترل خودتان
هرگاه به دلایلی دچار احساساتی شدین که کنتر افکار را برایتان مشکل کرد، تنها کافیست که به آن احساستان یک برچسب اختصاص دهید. مثلا در مواجه با رئیس عصبانی به محض اینکه برای احساس خود برچسب مثلا ترس یا عدم اطمینان را انتخاب کنید، احساسات شما تا حد بسیار زیادی فروکش خواهد کرد.
-----
اگر به پشت صحنه هر فرد ناراحت یا عصبانی نگاه کنید، ریشه آن را در "درک نشدن و فهمیده نشدن" خواهید یافت. فهماندن به طرف مقابلتان که او را درک کرده اید و احساسات او را تصدیق می کنید، بزرگترین عامل نفوذ شما در آن شخص خواهد بود.
-----
Never try to be interesing, instead, invest time in being intrested.
قوی ترین راه حل برای بدست آوردن دل افراد و تاثیر گذاری بر آن ها ایست که صادقانه به آن ها نشان دهیم که علاقه مند به گوش کردن به آن ها و چیزهایی که برای گفتن دارند، هستیم.
--------------------------------------------
دوستان عزیز و فرهیخته، بزرگترین اشتباهی که همه ما در حالت پیش فرض و قبل از یاد گرفتن اصول ارتباط با دیگران داریم این نکته هست که در اغلب مکالمه ها با اطرافیانمون، مادامی که شخص مقابلمون درحال صحبت هست به فکر آماده کردن جمله ی بعدی خودمون هستیم. مثل یک مسابقه تنیس که هر کس سعی می کنه توپ رو بزنه و امتیاز بگیره.
اما در عوض اگر صمیمانه و بی ریا، و به قصد فهمیدن و یاد گرفتن به حرف های طرف مقابلمون گوش کنیم، و سوال بپرسیم، نه تنها طرف مقابل احساس بسیار خوبی به ما پیدا خواهد کرد، بلکه خود ما از چیزهایی که در مورد او کشف می کنیم شگفت زده خواهیم شد.
Everyone has an invisible sign, hanging from their neck saying, "Make me feel important". When you make people feel important, you give them a gift that's beyond price. In return, they'll often be willing to go to the ends of the world for you ...
چرا دعوا؟ چون بلد نیستیم حرف بزنیم.
چرا نوجوون ساعت ها با دوستش تلفنی حرف می زنه ولی نگاه به پدر و مادرش نمی کنه؟
چون پدر و مادر یاد نگرفتن با نوجوونشون چه طور صحبت کنن
چرا مصاحبه کاریتون موفقیت آمیز نیست و همش رد می شید؟
چرا توی دوستیاتون مشکلای کوچیک باعث اختلافای بزرگ می شه؟
چرا فلان همکارتون از شما خوشش نمیاد؟
چرا شریک زندگیتون فقط با فریاد جوابتون و می ده؟
چرا مدیر شرکت به کسی که مهارتش از شما پایین تره ارتقاء مقام می ده ولی به شما نه؟
جواب: چون یاد نگرفتین چه طور ارتباط برقرار کنید.
چند مثال اساسی از کتاب
آدمها در زندگی نیازها، تمایلات و اهداف خود را دارند و زندگی پر استرسی را سپری می کنند. آن ها برای کنار آمدن با استرس ها و نگرانی هایشان، موانع ذهنی با شما ایجاد می کنند که ایجاد یک ارتباط موثر را غیر ممکن می کند و حتی ممکن است در صورت اختلاف نظر، حالت تهاجمی به خود بگیرند.
راه حل:
برای اینکه آدم ها را حتی در عصبانی ترین حالت متقاعد و آرام کنید، نباید با آن ها حرف بزنید و دلیل و منطق در برابرشان ردیف کنید. تنها کافیست که گوش کنید. اما:
گوش دادن به قصد فهمیدن، نه جواب دادن
بسیار مهم
آدم های عصبانی در پایین ترین لایه مغز از سه لایه موجود (مغز خزنده نوع(مسئول بقا و اقداماتی مثل رفع گرسنگی یا عصبانیت و جنگ)، مغز لیمبیک(مسئول درک و ابراز احساسات) و مغز کورتکس که مسئول منطق، تفکر و تصمیم گیری هست) فعالیت و رفتار می کنند و در این حالت لایه های بالایی مغز از مدار محاسبات خارج می شوند
به همین خاطر است که با فرد عصبانی نمی توان از دریچه منطق صحبت کرد.
راه حل چیست
راه حل اینست که فرد را ابتدا با درک کردن احساساتش به لایه لیمبیک برده تا عصبانیت و خشم او فروکش کند و پس از آن با یک سری تکنیک ها مغز منطقی او را وارد مدار محاسباتش کنیم. تنها درین حالت امکان برقراری ارتباط وجود دارد.
اگر می خواهید جایگاه مثبتی نزد مردم داشته باشید و بتوانید ارتباطی بسیار موثر برقرار کنید:
ابتدا حرف های آن ها را بشنوید و نشان دهید که صحبت ها و مهمتر از آن احساسات آن ها را در مورد موضوع مورد بحث درک کرده اید.
دوم اینکه به آن ها احساس مفید، مهم و ارزشمند بودن بدهید
رعایت همین دو نکته بسیار ساده قدرت بسیار زیادی به شما در کلیه روابط خواهد داد.
پس در مواجه با هر شخص عصبانی، ابتدا کنترل خود را در اختیار بگیرید که بر اساس غریضه عمل و رفتار نکنید تا بتوانید سکوت کنید و طرف مقابل را بفهمید
یک تکنیک ساده و قدرتمند برای به دست گرفتن کنترل خودتان
هرگاه به دلایلی دچار احساساتی شدین که کنتر افکار را برایتان مشکل کرد، تنها کافیست که به آن احساستان یک برچسب اختصاص دهید. مثلا در مواجه با رئیس عصبانی به محض اینکه برای احساس خود برچسب مثلا ترس یا عدم اطمینان را انتخاب کنید، احساسات شما تا حد بسیار زیادی فروکش خواهد کرد.
-----
اگر به پشت صحنه هر فرد ناراحت یا عصبانی نگاه کنید، ریشه آن را در "درک نشدن و فهمیده نشدن" خواهید یافت. فهماندن به طرف مقابلتان که او را درک کرده اید و احساسات او را تصدیق می کنید، بزرگترین عامل نفوذ شما در آن شخص خواهد بود.
-----
Never try to be interesing, instead, invest time in being intrested.
قوی ترین راه حل برای بدست آوردن دل افراد و تاثیر گذاری بر آن ها ایست که صادقانه به آن ها نشان دهیم که علاقه مند به گوش کردن به آن ها و چیزهایی که برای گفتن دارند، هستیم.
--------------------------------------------
دوستان عزیز و فرهیخته، بزرگترین اشتباهی که همه ما در حالت پیش فرض و قبل از یاد گرفتن اصول ارتباط با دیگران داریم این نکته هست که در اغلب مکالمه ها با اطرافیانمون، مادامی که شخص مقابلمون درحال صحبت هست به فکر آماده کردن جمله ی بعدی خودمون هستیم. مثل یک مسابقه تنیس که هر کس سعی می کنه توپ رو بزنه و امتیاز بگیره.
اما در عوض اگر صمیمانه و بی ریا، و به قصد فهمیدن و یاد گرفتن به حرف های طرف مقابلمون گوش کنیم، و سوال بپرسیم، نه تنها طرف مقابل احساس بسیار خوبی به ما پیدا خواهد کرد، بلکه خود ما از چیزهایی که در مورد او کشف می کنیم شگفت زده خواهیم شد.
Everyone has an invisible sign, hanging from their neck saying, "Make me feel important". When you make people feel important, you give them a gift that's beyond price. In return, they'll often be willing to go to the ends of the world for you ...
February 7, 2012
"Just Listen" is an outstanding, practical how-to guide for becoming a better face-to-face communicator. As a professional communicator, I often find it easier to write for an amorphous, anonymous large audience, or speak in front of a large room, rather than work one on one with people who are resistant or difficult. Dr. Goulston's book is for people like me, who are friendly, sociable and articulate, but need to refine their personal leadership skills. Sometimes I am prone to thinking that some people just have a gift for relating to others and getting them on board - the gift of persuasion and putting people at ease - a gift that I'm afraid I lack. To a certain extent that's true, as I have met many born persuaders; I call them "mentors" and can only hope to emulate them. However, all people could use some help in this area and there is hope for the likes of me! I appreciate very much the author's attempt to codify what exactly it takes to be a person who is a "natural" persuader and I've already started practicing his techniques.
July 22, 2012
The core message of this book is sound: getting people to listen to you requires you listening to them. Effective communication requires work to understand the person you are trying to communicate with. Beyond the core message, this book had a lot of practical tips with something of a laundry list feel to their presentation.
I like a lot of the tips, but I sometimes felt the author did not really address the concerns of an average person trying to learn how to listen and communicate better. If you're not like the author -- for whom these techniques seem easy -- it's not clear how you get good at using these techniques. The answer is probably that simple and boring one -- practice -- but the book did not really address or even acknowledge the gap between understanding the techniques and being able to use them.
The author often illustrates his techniques with stories that show what an awesome, wonderful, effective, magnificent communicator he is. It gets kind of annoying.
Overall, not a bad book and I learned a lot from it, but it wasn't quite good enough to be my go to book for recommending to others.
I like a lot of the tips, but I sometimes felt the author did not really address the concerns of an average person trying to learn how to listen and communicate better. If you're not like the author -- for whom these techniques seem easy -- it's not clear how you get good at using these techniques. The answer is probably that simple and boring one -- practice -- but the book did not really address or even acknowledge the gap between understanding the techniques and being able to use them.
The author often illustrates his techniques with stories that show what an awesome, wonderful, effective, magnificent communicator he is. It gets kind of annoying.
Overall, not a bad book and I learned a lot from it, but it wasn't quite good enough to be my go to book for recommending to others.
May 26, 2013
There are a lot of interesting and salient points made in this book about connecting with people. Some of it seems like common sense, and some of it seems truly novel. At times, though, while I was reading certain chapters, it felt more like a guidebook on how to manipulate others and less like suggestions or recommendations on how to connect with people in a genuine, authentic way. That troubles me and that's why I gave this book 3 stars instead of 4 or 5.
To be clear, the author is definitely an advocate for authenticity, and he shares a lot of really helpful techniques, information and stories. The book was recommended to me by a classmate, and I do recommend it to others interested in this subject matter. However, the audience he's writing for seems to be American business men and women, so perhaps that writing style has something to do with my perception of the book. The information he shares is conveyed in a sort of transactional style of business-like writing, and maybe it's more effective in getting through to the intended audience that way. But the book suffers as a result. Ironically, it's what the author himself points out in chapter 19 as a fatal flaw: "transactional communications don't create traction in a relationship because they're impersonal and shallow."
There's always a relationship between the writer and the reader, and that relationship is subject to the same great wisdom Dr. Goulston writes about in this book.
To be clear, the author is definitely an advocate for authenticity, and he shares a lot of really helpful techniques, information and stories. The book was recommended to me by a classmate, and I do recommend it to others interested in this subject matter. However, the audience he's writing for seems to be American business men and women, so perhaps that writing style has something to do with my perception of the book. The information he shares is conveyed in a sort of transactional style of business-like writing, and maybe it's more effective in getting through to the intended audience that way. But the book suffers as a result. Ironically, it's what the author himself points out in chapter 19 as a fatal flaw: "transactional communications don't create traction in a relationship because they're impersonal and shallow."
There's always a relationship between the writer and the reader, and that relationship is subject to the same great wisdom Dr. Goulston writes about in this book.
December 31, 2015
This is going to the list of my top recommended leadership and self-growth books both for corporate professionals as well as business owners. When my business coach casually mentioned the book, I didn't think much of it so I just ordered the Kindle version and started reading. I had to STOP reading so I could get the physical paper copy of the book and sit up and take notes as I read. And I hardly buy physical copies of books these days, much as I love them, so you know this was special. It has been eye-opening on so many levels.
Goulston knows what he is talking about: the book is the singular best book I have read on persuasion, negotiation, and understanding of another human being through the pure act of listening. Listening! Yes, listening. The very thing we think we do but hardly any of us is doing it. We are not listening to each other and until we learn how to do that, we will talk over each other and never hear one another.
Goulston gets to the heart of the matter and he does it fast - he does not waste your time as some unmentioned non-fiction authors do! ;). He teaches you how to listen, how to calm down enough to listen if the situation warrants it, how to move people through the stages from pure resistance and even animosity all the way to cooperation and action. It's powerful.
You can apply the practical principles of this book to your personal and professional relationships. He gives you the logical flow of steps you need to take to move someone through the necessary stages through your listening and engaging, and then he gives you these powerful tools. One simple example is to use the word "Hmmm" as someone starts to tell you something, and to encourage them to tell you more. How often do you do that? We can't wait to comment or voice an opinion without having heard it all. So slow down, and listen. Really listen to what is being said and not said, and you will be so much further ahead in life and in business.
Excellent book that I am not only using to improve my own (ahem!) listening skills but also recommending to my executive clients, career professionals I work with and anyone else who is not getting through to the other side and is desperate to do so. FANTASTIC book and I hardly feel so much passion for a non-fiction book. Well-done Goulston! I'll be checking out the rest of his work after this!
Goulston knows what he is talking about: the book is the singular best book I have read on persuasion, negotiation, and understanding of another human being through the pure act of listening. Listening! Yes, listening. The very thing we think we do but hardly any of us is doing it. We are not listening to each other and until we learn how to do that, we will talk over each other and never hear one another.
Goulston gets to the heart of the matter and he does it fast - he does not waste your time as some unmentioned non-fiction authors do! ;). He teaches you how to listen, how to calm down enough to listen if the situation warrants it, how to move people through the stages from pure resistance and even animosity all the way to cooperation and action. It's powerful.
You can apply the practical principles of this book to your personal and professional relationships. He gives you the logical flow of steps you need to take to move someone through the necessary stages through your listening and engaging, and then he gives you these powerful tools. One simple example is to use the word "Hmmm" as someone starts to tell you something, and to encourage them to tell you more. How often do you do that? We can't wait to comment or voice an opinion without having heard it all. So slow down, and listen. Really listen to what is being said and not said, and you will be so much further ahead in life and in business.
Excellent book that I am not only using to improve my own (ahem!) listening skills but also recommending to my executive clients, career professionals I work with and anyone else who is not getting through to the other side and is desperate to do so. FANTASTIC book and I hardly feel so much passion for a non-fiction book. Well-done Goulston! I'll be checking out the rest of his work after this!
August 23, 2015
Stating the obvious and stretching it into a book. An article would have sufficiently covered the context.
October 3, 2015
Những lời khuyên về thuật đắc nhân tâm nghe nhiều đến mức đã thành chán nhàm. Không phải là coi thường những lời vàng ngọc đó, nhưng tôi vẫn luôn cảm thấy hoài nghi : Cơ sở của những lời khuyên đó là gì ? Liệu nó có thể áp dụng thành công cho mọi người ?
Chỉ đến khi đọc cuốn sách này, tôi mới thật sự nhận được câu trả lời. Mỗi người có thể là một cá thể độc nhất vô nhị, nhưng cấu tạo bộ não của chúng ta và cách thức nó phản ứng trước căng thẳng thì không khác nhau. Hơn nữa, tác giả cũng không hề trốn tránh sự thật khi thẳng thừng chỉ ra rằng : Thực sự có những kẻ độc hại cần phải bị "loại bỏ" để cuộc sống của bạn được tốt đẹp hơn. Những phương pháp trong sách này là để bạn kết nối được với những người cũng muốn kết nối ngược lại, dù đôi khi họ hay chúng ta có thể điên rồ theo một khía cạnh nào đó, nhưng tuyệt đối không phải là những kẻ chỉ muốn bòn rút sức lực và lòng tốt từ bạn, thậm chí muốn bạn đau khổ.
Với tư cách là một nhà tâm thần học với hơn 30 năm kinh nghiệm, quyển sách này tổng hợp được tinh hoa của trí tuệ đó bằng sự kết hợp khéo léo giữa các kiến thức khoa học về não bộ, hiểu biết sâu sắc về tâm lý cũng như kinh nghiệm thực tiễn phong phú trong công việc của tác giả. Quan trọng hơn cả những kỹ năng giao tiếp đơn thuần, tác giả còn cung cấp một lăng kính mới để ta nhìn sâu vào bản chất con người, từ chính bản thân mình đến những kẻ "khùng điên" ở xung quanh, cũng như để ta thấy được mức độ đa dạng những biểu hiện của sự thiếu đồng cảm. Súc tích, thực tế, ấn tượng... tất cả làm nên giá trị của cuốn sách này.
Điểm duy nhất khiến tôi không ưng ý trong cuốn sách này là cách sắp xếp nội dung trong Phần II. Đáng nhẽ, dựa trên cơ sở khoa học về 3 đặc điểm của não bộ đã được trình bày trong Phần I, tác giả nên phân chia 9 quy tắc căn cốt tương ứng với cách xử lý các khó khăn này. Mặc dù đọc kỹ vẫn hiểu được, nhưng nó vẫn tạo cảm giác thiếu tính chỉn chu, mạch lạc. Tuy nhiên, nó không hề làm cho những điều được nói đến trong cuốn sách này mất đi giá trị đích thực của nó.
Chỉ đến khi đọc cuốn sách này, tôi mới thật sự nhận được câu trả lời. Mỗi người có thể là một cá thể độc nhất vô nhị, nhưng cấu tạo bộ não của chúng ta và cách thức nó phản ứng trước căng thẳng thì không khác nhau. Hơn nữa, tác giả cũng không hề trốn tránh sự thật khi thẳng thừng chỉ ra rằng : Thực sự có những kẻ độc hại cần phải bị "loại bỏ" để cuộc sống của bạn được tốt đẹp hơn. Những phương pháp trong sách này là để bạn kết nối được với những người cũng muốn kết nối ngược lại, dù đôi khi họ hay chúng ta có thể điên rồ theo một khía cạnh nào đó, nhưng tuyệt đối không phải là những kẻ chỉ muốn bòn rút sức lực và lòng tốt từ bạn, thậm chí muốn bạn đau khổ.
Với tư cách là một nhà tâm thần học với hơn 30 năm kinh nghiệm, quyển sách này tổng hợp được tinh hoa của trí tuệ đó bằng sự kết hợp khéo léo giữa các kiến thức khoa học về não bộ, hiểu biết sâu sắc về tâm lý cũng như kinh nghiệm thực tiễn phong phú trong công việc của tác giả. Quan trọng hơn cả những kỹ năng giao tiếp đơn thuần, tác giả còn cung cấp một lăng kính mới để ta nhìn sâu vào bản chất con người, từ chính bản thân mình đến những kẻ "khùng điên" ở xung quanh, cũng như để ta thấy được mức độ đa dạng những biểu hiện của sự thiếu đồng cảm. Súc tích, thực tế, ấn tượng... tất cả làm nên giá trị của cuốn sách này.
Điểm duy nhất khiến tôi không ưng ý trong cuốn sách này là cách sắp xếp nội dung trong Phần II. Đáng nhẽ, dựa trên cơ sở khoa học về 3 đặc điểm của não bộ đã được trình bày trong Phần I, tác giả nên phân chia 9 quy tắc căn cốt tương ứng với cách xử lý các khó khăn này. Mặc dù đọc kỹ vẫn hiểu được, nhưng nó vẫn tạo cảm giác thiếu tính chỉn chu, mạch lạc. Tuy nhiên, nó không hề làm cho những điều được nói đến trong cuốn sách này mất đi giá trị đích thực của nó.
January 24, 2020
كتاب رائع
November 1, 2021
Люблю когда нон-фикшн состоит на 2/3 из примеров, а не из теории на заумном инопланетном языке. И действительно чуть прокачалось мое понимание того, как слушать, слышать и правильно доносить свои мысли окружающим.
Поэтому другой книге автора быть.
Поэтому другой книге автора быть.
October 27, 2014
В книге Марка Гоулстона «Я слышу вас насквозь» автор призывает читателей не к тому, чтобы просто научиться читать мысли людей, а научится их понимать, научиться глубоко проникнутся тем или иным человеком, и попытаться побывать в его шкуре.
Автор уверяет, что только после этого как вам удастся ��то сделать, а это не так уж и сложно, то отношения и взаимная коммуникация выйдет совсем на новый, очень высокий уровень. Автор постоянно напоминает, что множество проблем между людьми происходит не обязательно из-за чей либо вины, а зачастую из-за недопонимания друг друга и свойственного всем нам эгоизма.
Если вам нужен качественный скачок в отношениях с близкими людьми, с друзьями, коллегами по роботе, начальниками, подчинёнными, да и с любыми людьми с которыми вас свела жизнь вникайте в работу автора и постарайтесь реализовать его советы.
Автор уверяет, что только после этого как вам удастся ��то сделать, а это не так уж и сложно, то отношения и взаимная коммуникация выйдет совсем на новый, очень высокий уровень. Автор постоянно напоминает, что множество проблем между людьми происходит не обязательно из-за чей либо вины, а зачастую из-за недопонимания друг друга и свойственного всем нам эгоизма.
Если вам нужен качественный скачок в отношениях с близкими людьми, с друзьями, коллегами по роботе, начальниками, подчинёнными, да и с любыми людьми с которыми вас свела жизнь вникайте в работу автора и постарайтесь реализовать его советы.
January 23, 2021
I read this book for a book club at work. Since COVID started, my coworkers started this book group to help connect us more deeply while we learned things relevant to our jobs - expect a handful of book reviews that are business books in the future!
This is an easy book to read and understand. I like that Goulston gives us many practical techniques and provides case studies at the end of the text. But, while he addressed how to apply these techniques, I didn't learn about what missteps might be encountered in the learning process. How do I move the needle from understanding ti application?
Overall, brilliant and practical, unlike many business books. I feel like I can really apply these techniques -- I just expect to fail quite a bit on the way.
This is an easy book to read and understand. I like that Goulston gives us many practical techniques and provides case studies at the end of the text. But, while he addressed how to apply these techniques, I didn't learn about what missteps might be encountered in the learning process. How do I move the needle from understanding ti application?
Overall, brilliant and practical, unlike many business books. I feel like I can really apply these techniques -- I just expect to fail quite a bit on the way.
July 26, 2015
Great, but I wish it talked about confrontation, religion, and politics. In other words, the most difficult bits.
August 11, 2017
نصائح وتقنيات جميلة في طرق التواصل والنقاش
كتاب مفيد ويستحق أن يقرأ
كتاب مفيد ويستحق أن يقرأ
March 17, 2023
لا املك الا ان اقول حاضر
March 31, 2020
"إذا أنصت للجرح والخوف والألم أو لآمال الناس
وأحلامهم، فستكتشف وجودًا دائمًا لها، وحين يشعر الطرف الآخر
بأنّك تنصت له وتشعر به حقًّا، فسوف يُزيل الحواجز
ويفتح عقله وقلبه بك" إدوين شنيدمان
الكتاب مميّز جدًا خاصة وأنّ الكاتب كان سخي بإعطاء
أمثلة على نقاطه مع شرح وافٍ.
القسم الأوّل رائع وبطريقة مختصرة ومفيدة يتحدّث عن المخ وأقسامه.
قسّم الكتاب إلى أربعة أقسام:
القسم الأول:
سر الوصول إلى الناس
1. من الذي يبقيك قيد الاحتجاز؟
* دائرة الاقناع
* السر: التواصل مع الناس سهل
2. بعض من حديث العلم: كيف يتحوّل المخ من لا إلى نعم
* أجزاء المخ الثلاثة
* اللوزة تختطف المخ وموت التفكير العقلاني
* الخلايا العصبية العاكسة
* من النظرية إلى التطبيق
القسم الثاني:
القواعد التسع الأساسية للتواصل مع أي شخص
3. انقل نفسك من المقاومة إلى القبول
* تواصل مع نفسك أولًا
* السرعة هي كل شيء
* عمليّة التحوّل من النفور إلى القبول
* فاعلية كلمات النفور
* تدريب السرعة
4. أعد برمجة نفسك على الإنصات
5. ادفع الطرف الآخر للشعور بأنّك تشعر به
6. ليكن اهتمامك أولى من رغبتك في إثارة الاهتمام
7. أشعر الآخرين بقيمتك
8. ساعد الناس على التنفيس العاطفي والذهني
9. تأكد من وجود تنافرك خارج الباب
10. حين يبدو أنّك خسرت كل شيء فلا بأس بإظهار ضعفك
11. ابتعد عمن ينشرون سمومهم
* المعوزون
* المتنمرون
* محبو الأخذ
* النرجسيون
* المضطربون عقليا
أمّا القسم الثالث:
اثنتا عشرة طريقة سريعة وسهلة لتحقيق القبول والصلة مع الآخر
12. سؤال الاستحالة
13. المفارقة السحرية
14. صدمة التفهم
15. التشغيل العكسي صدمة التفهم
16. هل تعتقد ذلك حقا؟
17. فاعلية قول "إمممممممم"
18. مناورة الشرط المسبث
19. من التفاعل إلى التحول
20. جنبًا إلى جنب
21. املأ الفراغات
22. اقطع طريقك كاملًا باتجاه قول "لا"
23. قوة الشكر وقوة الاعتذار
القسم الرابع:
تجميع الأمور كلها معًا: إصلاحات سريعة لسبعة مواقف صعبة
24. فريق الجحيم
25. صعود السلم
26. النرجسي على الطاولة
27. غريب في البلدة
28. الانفجار الإنساني
29. التواصل مع ذاتك
30. ست درجات من الانفصال
عنوان الكتاب: فقط أنصت "تطوير ذات"
اسم المؤلّف: مارك جولستون
ترجمة : مكتبة جرير
الطبعة الأولى: 2015
الناشر: مكتبة جرير
عدد الصفحات: 264
التقييم: 5/4 أرب�� نجمات.
القراءة: الكترونية.
نادية أحمد
29 مارس 2020
وأحلامهم، فستكتشف وجودًا دائمًا لها، وحين يشعر الطرف الآخر
بأنّك تنصت له وتشعر به حقًّا، فسوف يُزيل الحواجز
ويفتح عقله وقلبه بك" إدوين شنيدمان
الكتاب مميّز جدًا خاصة وأنّ الكاتب كان سخي بإعطاء
أمثلة على نقاطه مع شرح وافٍ.
القسم الأوّل رائع وبطريقة مختصرة ومفيدة يتحدّث عن المخ وأقسامه.
قسّم الكتاب إلى أربعة أقسام:
القسم الأول:
سر الوصول إلى الناس
1. من الذي يبقيك قيد الاحتجاز؟
* دائرة الاقناع
* السر: التواصل مع الناس سهل
2. بعض من حديث العلم: كيف يتحوّل المخ من لا إلى نعم
* أجزاء المخ الثلاثة
* اللوزة تختطف المخ وموت التفكير العقلاني
* الخلايا العصبية العاكسة
* من النظرية إلى التطبيق
القسم الثاني:
القواعد التسع الأساسية للتواصل مع أي شخص
3. انقل نفسك من المقاومة إلى القبول
* تواصل مع نفسك أولًا
* السرعة هي كل شيء
* عمليّة التحوّل من النفور إلى القبول
* فاعلية كلمات النفور
* تدريب السرعة
4. أعد برمجة نفسك على الإنصات
5. ادفع الطرف الآخر للشعور بأنّك تشعر به
6. ليكن اهتمامك أولى من رغبتك في إثارة الاهتمام
7. أشعر الآخرين بقيمتك
8. ساعد الناس على التنفيس العاطفي والذهني
9. تأكد من وجود تنافرك خارج الباب
10. حين يبدو أنّك خسرت كل شيء فلا بأس بإظهار ضعفك
11. ابتعد عمن ينشرون سمومهم
* المعوزون
* المتنمرون
* محبو الأخذ
* النرجسيون
* المضطربون عقليا
أمّا القسم الثالث:
اثنتا عشرة طريقة سريعة وسهلة لتحقيق القبول والصلة مع الآخر
12. سؤال الاستحالة
13. المفارقة السحرية
14. صدمة التفهم
15. التشغيل العكسي صدمة التفهم
16. هل تعتقد ذلك حقا؟
17. فاعلية قول "إمممممممم"
18. مناورة الشرط المسبث
19. من التفاعل إلى التحول
20. جنبًا إلى جنب
21. املأ الفراغات
22. اقطع طريقك كاملًا باتجاه قول "لا"
23. قوة الشكر وقوة الاعتذار
القسم الرابع:
تجميع الأمور كلها معًا: إصلاحات سريعة لسبعة مواقف صعبة
24. فريق الجحيم
25. صعود السلم
26. النرجسي على الطاولة
27. غريب في البلدة
28. الانفجار الإنساني
29. التواصل مع ذاتك
30. ست درجات من الانفصال
عنوان الكتاب: فقط أنصت "تطوير ذات"
اسم المؤلّف: مارك جولستون
ترجمة : مكتبة جرير
الطبعة الأولى: 2015
الناشر: مكتبة جرير
عدد الصفحات: 264
التقييم: 5/4 أرب�� نجمات.
القراءة: الكترونية.
نادية أحمد
29 مارس 2020
May 27, 2014
I need this book as a must have, to aquire the skills/habits the author presents. The principles he lays out are profound, and yet when you give them thought, you realize it's just common sense, often times you could even say "common courtesy" in the respect it gives another.
The author presents his work with a worldly view that at times was weird to hear, as in "reptile brain, mammal brain, human brain", but when taken in a biblical context, he borrows what God laid out in His word ages ago.
I had much trouble listening to this audio version. I attempted to continue other work and listen at the same time and found myself saying "I didn't hear anything the reader has said" for an entire chapter, repeating chapter 2 four or five times until I familiarized myself with the voice and subject matter. It still to me required close attention.
Very very few people are actually competent with communication, and though you may protest that statement, if you have a desire to really hear what people are saying. To have the ability to work with any kind of 'personality', I certainly would recommend this book.
One other last thought. The book would make a great tool to manipulate others, and it's focus is not really towards helping others, as much as it is the one using the principles presented.
The author presents his work with a worldly view that at times was weird to hear, as in "reptile brain, mammal brain, human brain", but when taken in a biblical context, he borrows what God laid out in His word ages ago.
I had much trouble listening to this audio version. I attempted to continue other work and listen at the same time and found myself saying "I didn't hear anything the reader has said" for an entire chapter, repeating chapter 2 four or five times until I familiarized myself with the voice and subject matter. It still to me required close attention.
Very very few people are actually competent with communication, and though you may protest that statement, if you have a desire to really hear what people are saying. To have the ability to work with any kind of 'personality', I certainly would recommend this book.
One other last thought. The book would make a great tool to manipulate others, and it's focus is not really towards helping others, as much as it is the one using the principles presented.
August 31, 2018
One of those rare books I listen to and then buy a hard copy so I can reread sections. This really spoke to me, I appreciated the authors tone and ideas. Many of the examples he uses come from the business world, but then he would throw in these gem stories on interacting and listening better to teenagers. I’ve already started incorporating his techniques with my children and have found them much more pleasant and effective over arguing and lecturing. Wish I had learned these things 10 years ago. I’ll be the first to buy a copy if the author ever decides to write a parenting book.
August 5, 2020
TL;DR Describes strategies on how to be a better listener and communicator.
My favourite is the strategy of focusing your full attention on the other person in a conversation, not preparing your own response/rebuttal while they are speaking. As Goulston says, "Be interested, not interesting".
I'm definitely going to try out the section where he talks about getting through emotionally charged situations: "Practice moving quickly from: Oh f***! (reaction) to Oh God! (emotional release) to Oh Jeez (re-centre yourself) to Oh well (re-focus) to OK (you are ready to fix this)."
My favourite is the strategy of focusing your full attention on the other person in a conversation, not preparing your own response/rebuttal while they are speaking. As Goulston says, "Be interested, not interesting".
I'm definitely going to try out the section where he talks about getting through emotionally charged situations: "Practice moving quickly from: Oh f***! (reaction) to Oh God! (emotional release) to Oh Jeez (re-centre yourself) to Oh well (re-focus) to OK (you are ready to fix this)."
April 11, 2019
I really liked it because not only did it explain at a high level the difficulties that happen during communication and what our brain is going through at those times, but he also gives actionable tasks to help one control oneself and the person they are trying to get through.
Sure, the communication examples are very trite but it does give you a platform on where to start.
Sure, the communication examples are very trite but it does give you a platform on where to start.
January 23, 2016
Nói chi thêm một câu
Gieo bao nghiệp khổ đau
Có nhiều khi em ạ
Lặng im là phép màu.
Gieo bao nghiệp khổ đau
Có nhiều khi em ạ
Lặng im là phép màu.
August 17, 2018
The book contains some excellent advice but generally might just be a showcase for how much easier it is to get through to people when you're a brilliant psychiatrist.
February 11, 2023
This was so so good! Lots of excellent information, especially for people like me who suck at listening. Everyone needs to read.
July 3, 2018
This book is excellent. It’s a step above how to win friends and influence people with some psychiatric science thrown in for good measure. A true how-to for emotional intelligence development. If everyone read this, and adopted its advice, the world would be a better place. And Mark is the first to call out the nut jobs that will abuse the techniques he shares. Recommended reading for anyone in a management position or wanting to be in a management position.
Notes for me:
Mirror feelings. We don’t get enough of it as humans today.
Steps in a crisis:
1. React. Name your emotion. But keep it in your head. Don’t say anything. Do not deny your feelings.
2. Release. Breathe deeply and with each exhale, let it go.
3. Recenter. Continue breathing.
4. Refocus. Start to think about damage control and making the best of the situation.
5. Re-engage. Open your eyes and get shit done.
You will go from being fixated on the way you believe the world should or shouldn’t be (but never will be) to being ready to deal with the world the way it is.
Exhale and listen to the silence between breaths.
Stipulation.
Fill-in-the-blanks
1. Do over done differently
2. Why
3. Commitment
4. Accountable
Power apology: remorse, restitution, rehabilitation, request forgiveness.
Six step pause
1. Physical awareness
2. Emotional awareness
3. Impulse awareness
4. Consequence awareness
5. Solution awareness
6. Benefit awareness
Notes for me:
Mirror feelings. We don’t get enough of it as humans today.
Steps in a crisis:
1. React. Name your emotion. But keep it in your head. Don’t say anything. Do not deny your feelings.
2. Release. Breathe deeply and with each exhale, let it go.
3. Recenter. Continue breathing.
4. Refocus. Start to think about damage control and making the best of the situation.
5. Re-engage. Open your eyes and get shit done.
You will go from being fixated on the way you believe the world should or shouldn’t be (but never will be) to being ready to deal with the world the way it is.
Exhale and listen to the silence between breaths.
Stipulation.
Fill-in-the-blanks
1. Do over done differently
2. Why
3. Commitment
4. Accountable
Power apology: remorse, restitution, rehabilitation, request forgiveness.
Six step pause
1. Physical awareness
2. Emotional awareness
3. Impulse awareness
4. Consequence awareness
5. Solution awareness
6. Benefit awareness
April 8, 2013
This book is a very practical, applicable, "how to" on getting people from a defensive position to one where they may listen to you. Most of us won't have to deal with a hostage situation but at times we may feel like the idiot we're trying to help has us held hostage as they are reacting defensively to a situation and failing to act logically. Goulston does a marvelous job of explaining ways and methods to approach these delicate situations. Hint, don't call the person an idiot. He also does a very tactful job of pointing out that it might not be the other person who is the problem in this situation. Hint: look in the mirror. If you have people in your life that are hard to reach, I recommend reading this book to see if any of the many tactics could prove useful to you.
I listened to the book on audio having checked it out from my library. It was well done. Pacing was even and the speaker had a pleasant tone. However, I listened to it while driving which prevented me from taking notes. Therefore, I bought the book.
I listened to the book on audio having checked it out from my library. It was well done. Pacing was even and the speaker had a pleasant tone. However, I listened to it while driving which prevented me from taking notes. Therefore, I bought the book.
October 2, 2019
Not a very good or helpful book. Seemed to be more about the author and how good he is at communicating and moving people to do what he wants (manipulating) then it is about providing helpful information that can be applied in the day to day. I feel like the title should have been something like “Just Listen....to how great I am”.
If you liked How to Win Friends and Influence people then you might enjoy this book.
If you liked How to Win Friends and Influence people then you might enjoy this book.
October 14, 2018
Not a book for the everyday person. I expected a simple and unobtrusive "self-help" book, instead I get the hostage negotiator's pocket guide.
I like my books straight to the point without needlessly cliched stories.
I like my books straight to the point without needlessly cliched stories.
August 30, 2018
Overall it was good. There are some really helpful questions/strategies that can be useful in conversations. There was also a good deal of pseudo-science. Though the author doesn't say so, it seems as though much of his approach is dependent upon his personality.
October 24, 2021
Positive power review
The last chapter is about leaving positive “power” reviews to get noticed by the author. It’s quite a smart move, when the moment you finish the chapter about leaving positive reviews Kindle asks you to write a review :-)
I found the book excellent, addressing a lot of techniques to be better with people around you but also better with yourself. It reminds me of “P.E.T.” Which is about parenting and has a big part dedicated to active listening of your children. But “Just Listen” is more thorough, targeted at adults and has many practical examples in work situations that convinced me the “just listen” approach can make a difference at work and in ones personal life.
As my wife has been saying (a bit sarcastically) the whole time I was reading the book: looking forward to using this newfound listening wisdom!
The last chapter is about leaving positive “power” reviews to get noticed by the author. It’s quite a smart move, when the moment you finish the chapter about leaving positive reviews Kindle asks you to write a review :-)
I found the book excellent, addressing a lot of techniques to be better with people around you but also better with yourself. It reminds me of “P.E.T.” Which is about parenting and has a big part dedicated to active listening of your children. But “Just Listen” is more thorough, targeted at adults and has many practical examples in work situations that convinced me the “just listen” approach can make a difference at work and in ones personal life.
As my wife has been saying (a bit sarcastically) the whole time I was reading the book: looking forward to using this newfound listening wisdom!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 557 reviews