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Keeping the Love You Find

3.99  ·  Rating details ·  655 ratings  ·  44 reviews
Your dream of finding a partner is a natural and normal human instinct and your dream is perfectly achievable. Whatever your history, whatever your heartbreak, as a single person you are in an ideal position to learn what you need to know what what you ca
Paperback, 303 pages
Published February 1st 1993 by Atria Books (first published February 1st 1992)
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 ·  655 ratings  ·  44 reviews

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Oct 26, 2011 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book's title makes it seem super cheesy, but really, I think everyone that is single needs to read it and everyone married needs to read its predecessor, "Getting the Love You Want."

This book is fascinating on both a personal level and on a sociological level.

Basic premise: We are attracted to potential mates and admire qualities in them that are seemingly different from ourselves. Those qualities end up annoying us and a power struggle ensues. Example: "I love that David is so hard workin
Trish Doolin
Mar 27, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: recently-read
This is an amazing and refreshing book for anyone who is frustrated with the singles scene and the game playing of dating. It puts your whole dating experience into perspective and helps you rethink your notion of romantic love. I read this shortly before meeting the man who has since become my husband and without it our relationship (now in its 6th yr)probably would not have ended up the same way. The companion Getting the Love you Want for married and committed couples is great too!
Vincze Andrada
Jun 27, 2020 rated it it was amazing
"The explanation is shocking, but it reveals a hard truth. We hate ourselves for having needs that we were told were excessive or inappropriate, and for having traits that were hated by our caretakers. We hate everything that was disapproved of: our needs, our sexuality, our feelings, our vulnerability, our competitiveness. Because of this self-hatred, we cannot believe we are lovable. Which brings us to a harsher truth. If your self-hatred makes it impossible for you to believe that you are lov ...more
Mar 11, 2011 rated it liked it
Recommends it for: masochists
Recommended to Ruby by: my big sis
Anyone who claims they have read this book and completed all the exercises in their entirety has to be either a flat out liar or an individual with a remarkable threshold for pain.

I started this book in March 2011 and have been struggling to finish it ever since.

That isn't to say that the book isn't a good one. There are actually many, many favorable things about this book.
1. It is flammable (jk...sorta)
2. Hendrix has many interesting things to say about the Imago and why we are attracted to pe
Tom Morrow
Jan 20, 2013 rated it did not like it
I haven't read past page 100. I doubt that I'll continue any further.

Dr. H's book comes across as an immediate assault on the single life. It would seem he is personally uncomfortable with the concept himself and must be a spokesperson for married life. This could be his own personal religious beliefs disturbing an objective viewpoint.

I find it a bit simplistic to state being "whole" revolves around whether your married or single. I can't believe he would even start the book off with such utte
Oct 19, 2014 rated it liked it
Shelves: social
This book took me a very long time to complete. This had greatly to do with attempting to complete the exercises as I went, but the concepts required some digestion at points. The exercises can be long and difficult; eventually I put them off with bookmarks. His previous book, Getting The Love You Want, is a guide for couples already enduring the inevitable power struggle of relationship together - but this one is just about working with ourselves in order to improve that relationship when it co ...more
This is a must read for singles who are expecting a love in their life and would like to make a wholehearted effort to be prepared for their great love. Hendrix takes the reader on an in-depth journey of various childhood ills that if not healed prior to a relationship will surely manifest in a relationship. In fact, as you learn about childhood ills and the stage at which they manifest, his book has the added benefit of helping you become a better parent. Hendrix gives you a level of understand ...more
Oct 29, 2010 rated it really liked it
This book was really helpful and made a lot of sense. I would definately recommend it.
Andee Marley
Dec 04, 2016 rated it really liked it
Difficult but important work :p
Jan 24, 2019 rated it liked it
An interview I watched with David Foster Wallace went something like this (paraphrased);
Q: “What’s your opinion about the whole pop psychology phenomena of healing the ‘inner child’? “ A: “It’s a dangerous idea that’s ruined a huge amount of American lives by giving people the excuse to make immature and childlike decisions well into adulthood.”

What does David Foster Wallace have to do with this book? Not much. However, I will say that he brings up a good point that would be taken well by both a
Mar 15, 2017 rated it it was amazing
I admit this was a very painful read. It took me nearly a year to finish it. But thankfully, I was able to develop insight and a deeper understanding of myself when it comes to intimacy. Being that I was raised by a mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I was able to come to a greater understanding of what my issues have been and even more importantly, create an action plan to heal and date with intention! Although I might disagree with some of Hendrix theories, the meat ...more
May 05, 2015 marked it as to-read  ·  review of another edition
Got this book because it's the sequel to Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples. Unlike the other book, this one is actually meant for single people to read, so I figured it would be even more relevant and helpful. But so far, it's all just a lot of hectoring and pontificating about how our society "today" (over 20 years ago now) is being destroyed by all these divorces and how marriage is the only true path. I guess it's this guy's book, so he has the right to think he knows all the an ...more
So far, interesting. I have skipped around. He talks about how we use a love relationship to attempt to heal our childhood wounds. It's made difficult by the fact that we tend to choose people who are similar to our caregivers when we grew up- people for whom it is a challenge to offer what our caregivers did not. He says that the romantic love stage of a marriage is supposed to not last, that if couples can get past the next stages, that's a good thing. He thinks that marriage counselors who si ...more
Nov 04, 2017 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
This is an enlightening book but I also found it to focus on married couples alot which was not helpful to me. There are some points that make sense & it's good to get into practice but easier said than done. Matters related to the heart are usually pretty complicated & trying to sift through that is hard. There are also exercises in the book that you utilize in order to determine the type of person you are in relation to other types to see which is most compatible to you. It's a way to be able ...more
Scout Collins
Oct 11, 2020 rated it really liked it
Although I started this book first, I finished reading Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix before this book. That book changed my world—at first I didn’t believe some of what it was saying about the Imago. But after reading both that book and this book, it makes a lot of sense why we attract imago partners and why those relationships are the ones that [endure].
Hendrix is very wise and that shows in his books. I appreciate how down-to-earth his writing is. And I (as always) love the ex
Oct 17, 2011 rated it really liked it
Shelves: nonfiction
I read this coupled with another relationship book about moving on from past relationships.

As I read this book, I learned a lot about myself, what I want in someone, what I didn't want in someone, and ultimately what was right for me.

This is a great book for someone who has struggled in a relationship/s, has found someone who loves them, and they are having a hard time letting go of the past, and for anyone who really is ready to find the person they are meant to be with.

There are a lot of di
Mar 05, 2012 rated it really liked it
This is very sobering and inspiring reading. We were considering doing a 12 week workshop with a facilitator, but as is so often the danger in VT, not enough folks signed up. On reflection, that was ok with me b/c I wasn't sure WHY I was signing up, except that my S.O. was interested, and well, I am kind of a seeker.

Anyway, there is a ton of self reflection called for in this book, lots of exercises and the further I read the more clear picture I have, of myself! My S.O. and I are reading the b
Adra Cole Benjamin
Apr 23, 2008 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: anyone searching to understand themselves, partners, friends based on nature/nurture and childhoods
Combines pyschology, sociology, biology and gender differences to explain so much of life's behavior, development and challenges of relationships. One of the best books I've ever purchased! I highly recommend it to everyone, especially people with children - for you can learn how you pass on judgements, wounds, hurtful words that ultimately affect your child and his/her later search for happiness, as well as feeling whole and developing a unique identity.
May 27, 2012 rated it it was amazing
This book was suggested to me by a psychotherapist and was definitely a good read. Hendrix explores how we choose partners based on repressed childhood needs. It is a great read for singles and couples alike but preferably in downtime, between relationships. There are some nifty charts, exercises, and questionaires that will assist you on your path of introspection and bringing you closer to finding and recognizing a good partner.
Jul 10, 2013 rated it it was amazing
I absolutely loved this book. Im not a big self help fan but this book felt more like a college course in human development and its affects on our partner choices. The exercises within the book are not easy to get through, they were definitely time consuming and intensive, but really help drive the points home and were very helpful in the self discovery process. Anyone having trouble with relationships and wondering why should read this.
Jarrett Bell
As other reviewers point out, this book is really intended for singles, not married couples or engaged couples. Not an easy read, as. He mentions himself. Reading it feels like an intense therapy session. His thesis is that we choose partners based on past repressed needs of childhood, and the purpose of the book is to "discover" what those unmet needs were/are. I can see it helpful to go through some of the activities with a spouse, but only as a discussion starter.
Ann Brooks
Jan 02, 2010 rated it it was amazing
This is probably the only book in the self help section I would ever recommend. If you like journaling and the power of writing to draw out previously unclear or unknown pieces and parts of your inner self, you will love this book. If you really want to know about your truest self, and how you respond in intimate relationship base on who you are, get this book.
Feb 27, 2012 rated it it was ok
Some good information, a bit heavy on the psych stuff at times, and a godawful horrid cover design. I really enjoyed reading about the stages of development, the minimizer/maximizer behaviors, and real examples of couples. I got a bit bored at times reading through a lot of the detailed psych stuff though.
Apr 06, 2008 rated it liked it
A well-written and enlightening book which approaches mate selection from a psychological, and quite scholarly, point of view. A set of intensely revealing exercises are part of the text. I really benefited from this non-faddish book.
This book does what it says. If you read it with an open mind, do the exercises, and let go of the psst, you are truly able to Keep the Love You Find (which means you stop looking for Mr. Wrong and stop throwing away Mr. Right).
Nov 26, 2017 rated it it was ok
Shelves: psychology
It was ok, but just barely. I'd recommend Hendrix's other books on imago theory, this one brings nothing new to the table, except telling singles that they will never be complete as a person without finding an imago partner.
Oct 25, 2007 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: divorcee's or people who are single
Great book!
(Me and my mom are reading together) It really gives you a good understanding on love. After I get done reading this book I will read his others.
Aug 03, 2008 rated it liked it
Maybe I can do better this time.
Oct 17, 2008 rated it really liked it
Shelves: psychology
I am reading it for class but I think my future wife will be happy that I have read this book.
Aug 26, 2011 rated it really liked it
I reccomend this book to everyone--but especially single readers. . It's a good self-discovery book and it talks about finding and developing healthy relationships.
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Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix i ...more

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