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The Psychology of Romantic Love

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A passionate book by a passionate thinker, The Psychology of Romantic Love explores what love is, why love is born, why it sometimes grows, and why it sometimes dies. Nathaniel Branden, licensed psychotherapist, lecturer, corporate consultant, and the bestselling author of twenty books including The Psychology of Self-Esteem; The Six Pillars of Self Esteem; and The Art of Living Consciously, explores the nature of romantic love on many levels the philosophical, the historical, the sociological, and the psychological. In The Psychology of Romantic Love, Dr. Branden explores why so many people believe that romantic love is just not possible in today's world. Drawing on his experience with thousands of couples, Dr. Branden finds that romantic love is still possible for anyone who understands its nature and is willing to accept its challenges. Love, according to Dr. Branden, is a pathway not only to extraordinary joy but also to profound self-discovery.

240 pages, Paperback

First published July 28, 2000

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About the author

Nathaniel Branden

134 books486 followers
Nathaniel Branden started reading Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead" in the summer of '44 as he was introduced to it by his sister and her giggling friends.

He met Rand in California where he attended college for psychology. She responded to his fan letter.

"Atlas Shrugged" was dedicated to Branden and he became her intellectual heir. The two carried on an affair, though each was married. After a dispute, they parted and never publicly reconciled.

Branden has written several books on psychology and self-esteem. He practiced psychotherapy in Los Angeles.

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5 stars
232 (47%)
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155 (31%)
3 stars
71 (14%)
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22 (4%)
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11 (2%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
Profile Image for Jessie.
51 reviews
December 8, 2013
I picked up this book wanting to understand why we fall in love with some people and not others, and how to build and sustain a successful relationship and then marriage. I definitely am closing the book with a heightened sense of understanding that built on The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. I spent the last year really conflicted with myself and bewildered by other peoples behavior, and now, having read the final page, I have a new sense of clarity and understanding regarding my behavior and feelings as well as the behavior of others. It was a really great look at the mistakes I saw in my parent's marriage, my failed friendships/ relationships in the past, why I've behaved in some ways, and why I've had certain feelings. Going forward I have a new tool set to communicate with my partner, and how to communicate my feelings and how to deal with my feelings. I have a better sense of self and what I need from a partner in the future. Excellent, excellent book. This kind of material is what needs to be taught in schools. Self esteem and successful relationships would be more widespread.
Profile Image for Maria.
29 reviews1 follower
June 20, 2022
I have no words for how much I learned with this book. I think everyone should read it. I feel like this was the equivalent to a very deep workshop on human relationships.
32 reviews9 followers
April 10, 2012
This is my first Nathaniel Branden read. While he’s well known (and criticized) for his work with self-esteem, which I have very mixed feelings about to say the least, this book proved to be a rather pleasant surprise. I thought he did the subject real justice and provided valuable food for thought -- I found myself in agreement with much of what he wrote regarding romantic love. He offered some wonderful advice/views that were very honest and grounded in reality, yet optimistic nonetheless. No easy task.

This book is one of a handful that confirms my own views/beliefs about romantic love. Mainly, it is for grown-ups, not for children; the individuals involved have to be mature, relatively well-adjusted, self-aware individuals in order for romantic love to be possible.
Profile Image for Phil.
Author 10 books14 followers
December 14, 2012
f you are in a relationship or want to be in a relationship—which is pretty much everybody!—you owe it to yourself to read "The Romantic Love Question & Answer Book," written by psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden.

The book addresses every conceivable aspect of romantic relationships and offers a wealth of insights and examples that can help people create a healthier, more intimate relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, this book can help you make your next relationship a successful one.

The book was published in 1982. I suspect that if it had been published in 2012, it would have been a runaway bestseller.

Branden writes with great clarity and precision. I found myself repeatedly impressed with how he expressed complicated subjects so concisely and powerfully. Reading something that makes me think, “Wow, I couldn’t write this better myself,” is my litmus test for quality.

I had read Branden’s book, "The Psychology of Romantic Love," years ago and enjoyed it greatly. (Originally published in 1980, Branden updated it in 2008.) In both books, he shares a sentence-completion exercise that is remarkably effective at helping people express their true feelings about a topic. For example, here is a humorous albeit quite revealing excerpt:

Q: My husband is in favor of my working, so long as it doesn’t interfere with all my duties at home. In effect, my emancipation consists of having two jobs. How do I get my husband to understand that I need help in running the house?

A: We once presented this problem at an Intensive to a group of men whose wives or girlfriends held jobs ranging from the secretarial to the executive. Most of them acknowledged feeling that regardless of any work a woman did outside, the home was her first responsibility.

We invited them to experiment with the sentence stem “If I were expected to be a homemaker in addition to holding down a full-time job——.” Amidst a good deal of laughter and embarrassment, their endings included:

I’d say, “Are you kidding?”

I’d feel angry and exploited.

I’d feel overworked.

I’d probably be too tired for anything else.

I’d wonder how come my partner only does one job while I do two.

I’d sure as hell understand the feminists better.

I’d start yelling for help.

I don’t know what I’d do about it, but I’d be unhappy.

I’d wonder who made up the rules.

I’d say, “We’ve got to get a maid.”

I’d say, “My partner has to share some of the burdens at home.”

I’d say, ‘What kind of racket is this?”

This sentence-completion exercise can be an interesting place to begin for a husband who does not see that he ought to help. If he comes to appreciate the inequity involved, the next natural question is: “What do you think we should do?”
Profile Image for John.
630 reviews20 followers
September 10, 2018
Nathaniel Branden, after his disagreement with Ayn Rand, still kept his beliefs more or less in alignment with objectivism and individualism, and as a psychologist he adds a lot of aspects into the philosophy. He is a great thinker in his own right and is very capable of bringing philosophy and psychology into alignment with each other. Especially important and intriguing is the take he has on love(that I for a long time needed to find a book like this on), and in this book he explains how love, and romantic love, is selfish to the core. I have made a few own thoughts on love and how it relates to selfishness and individuality, how one must be a whole and mature individual to be fully capable of loving another and to recognize the same and similar values in the other. Branden both reinforced many of my views but more importantly and added to them, inspired and gave a good foundation to build further on. This book with its message and the view of love it proposes is one that has to be consider and that I find very much in alignment with reality. It is also very practical as it identifies many of the good things and the bad behind relationships. I recognize a well founded argument and this is full of them, even though there are some generalization going on - but those are for the reader to distinguish. Read it, be challenged, be informed and be inspired.
Profile Image for Talaya Francois.
39 reviews
December 30, 2020
I don’t like how exclusive and homophobic the language is. I don’t know (or care) if it’s intentional, but he defines romantic love as something only possible between adult men and women, completely excluding romantic love between men and men, women and women, and between those who are non-binary, and he excludes the romantic love of trans men and trans women.

This is unacceptable and a big turn off for me.

This book could be much better in many ways. (He wants to talk about the origins of romance in western society but won’t discuss colonialism, rape of indigenous and Black women and girls, etc which are essential aspects to the picture of “love” in Western culture). Yes, this is the typical cis white man ethnocentric-anthropocentric trash that reflects his lack of studying his own culture through other lenses. I have little patience for “science” books like this.
Profile Image for Mary.
173 reviews
August 31, 2016
Of the various factors that are vital for success of romantic love, none is more important than self-esteem. The first love affair we must consummate successfully is the love affair with ourselves. Only then are we ready for other love relationships.

An autonomous individual is one who does not experience his or her self-esteem as continually in question or in jeopardy. His or her worth is not a matter of continuing doubt. The source of approval resides within self. It is not at the mercy of every encounter with another person.

- The Psychology of Romantic Love by Nathaniel Branden
Profile Image for Elizabeth Keri.
30 reviews
September 28, 2019
Such an insightful and affirming book that praises romantic love as one of the greatest achievements of consciousness, but does not hold it on an unrealistic pedestal. It stands the test of time, except that it is definitely heteronormative.
10 reviews
October 28, 2018
Super interesting book, a lot of food for thought. I really enjoyed going through the history of romantic love in the beginning of the book. The only thing I wasn't too fond of was the ending which was full of politically correct stuff like "divorce doesn't mean a marriage has failed". Just not my cup of tea.
Profile Image for Michael David.
Author 2 books71 followers
December 22, 2019
I think this book is appropriate for me especially at this time, because it's been a while since I've courted a lady. The act of courtship, I discovered, is a revelatory exercise: I had been so comfortable being alone that I realized I had also matured when I encountered a lady whom I thought was right for me. Gone were the days that I would demand of myself to find an intellectual equal: maybe it was reality setting in, or simply emotional maturity. It was always up to myself to appreciate happiness, and it wasn't necessarily to be found in my own mirror. In my myopia I sometimes forget that I am also heavily flawed as a person. Now, at least, I have a better understanding of my own shortcomings and of my own strengths. I hope that this time, it will be enough.

This book by Branden is thus important: I want to have a fruitful romance, but I also want to be privy to my own faults. What does romantic love entail?

Romantic love is important, according to Branden, because it allows us to be seen. Romance creates an intimate connection that allows us to be visible to the other whom we treasure, and this is what makes it important to humans. We seek to be understood by the person whom we treasure most.

Consistent with his other books, Branden teaches that the most important element of romantic love is self-esteem. I think I had this before with regard to academic intelligence, but I knew I was a bit backward when it came to social interactions. To the author, it is the integrated sum of self-confidence and self-respect. It took me a long while before I got to the self-confidence I was comfortable with, although I really never had a low respect for myself.

He's right. I had been unable to love romantically before because I was too embittered. I'm still quite acerbic, although at least now, I've understood that there's also enough good in the world to make life tolerable.

The first rule of romantic love is: to love others, you must love yourself fully first. It's not being conceited - you just can't give what you don't have. I'm also comfortable with who I am, nerd and all, after a very long time. For this rule, at least I am better prepared. The book also called to my attention the doubts I had toward taking the plunge towards romance:

When we feel rejected, when we look at past relationships and see nothing but a string of disappointments, frustrations, and defeats, it is often illuminating to ask: Do I feel it is natural or normal for someone to love me?

And yet we keep on.

Another element of romantic love, next to self-esteem, is autonomy. "Autonomous individuals have assimilated and integrated the ultimate fact of human aloneness ... They understand that it is the fact of aloneness that gives romantic love its unique intensity."

The second rule of romantic love is: "only when we stop fighting the fact of our aloneness are we ready for romantic love.

Finally, the third element important in romantic love is mutual self-disclosure. Honest communication and an exposure of one's vulnerability is necessary to keep the ingenuousness of romantic love. That is one of my struggles, because I do not want to be seen as vulnerable, but I find that as I also grow in this unilateral interest, I also address this and slowly embrace what I feel.

The third rule of romantic love, thus, is: "Be honest and upfront with the one you love. It will be the rock of your relationship."


I'm honestly terrified. I'm not used to opening my heart to anyone, and it's even challenging for me to make friends. It took me two months of being with the girl I like before I even took the plunge. I am afraid because there is the possibility of the other person's not loving us in return. I don't like being afraid - I try to face most of my fears head on.

But this loss of control is scary. Sometimes I ask myself whether it's worth it, but I know that she's worth it. I'll keep on practicing these three rules, even if she won't like me back. At least, ultimately, I'll mature as an individual, and that's also important.
Profile Image for Marjorie Elwood.
1,128 reviews23 followers
September 11, 2013
There was the occasional flash of insight (for instance, the portion on inherent biological rhythms) but I found this meandered too much to offer any real help. Furthermore, it's extremely heteronormative.
Profile Image for Dumitru Moraru.
262 reviews34 followers
February 18, 2023
Tatăl conceptului "stima de sine" m-a dezamăgit cu cartea dată. El începe cu evoluția iubirii romantice. În perioada tribală nu exista iubire între parteneri, nici egalitate. Bărbatul și femeia erau împreună doar pentru procreare. Toți trebuiau să muncească pentru binele tribului. În Roma Antică și Grecia Antică lucrurile s-au îmbunătățit. Femeia avea mai multe drepturi, dar tot era considerată inferioară bărbatului. Căsătoriile se făceau nu din iubire, ci în scopuri de procreare, economice și politice. În Grecia bărbații aveau dispreț față de femei și iubirea profundă era doar între homosexuali, spune autorul. Ce prostie! Câte poezii, opere de artă au creat bărbații pentru femeile pe care le iubeau! În Roma Antică femeile aveau mai multe drepturi, dar predominau desfrâul, adulterul. Urmează perioada creștinismului. Creștinismul spune ca bărbatul și femeia să se iubească și nu spune că sexul în cadrul căsătoriei e ceva rău. Autorul spune că sexul în căsătorie e un viciu, total fals, am vorbit cu duhovnicul. Sunt de acord că relațiile sexuale în afara căsătoriei e un concept demodat. Ce facem cu 2 iubiți care nu sunt gata de căsătorie? Sunt de acord că mulți reprezentanți ai Bisericii, mai ales cea medievală au comis fapte rele, pătând imaginea Bisericii creștine și corupând învățăturile creștinești. Dar acestea erau în contradicție cu învățăturile creștine, așa că nu putem să punem aceste fapte în cârca religiei. A avut și Biserica creștină dușmanii săi interiori. Autorul afirmă că Biserica nu considera un păcat dacă preotul avea amantă sau se culca cu o prostituată. Afirmă că creștinismul consideră femeia inferioară bărbatului, că nu-ți dă voie să iei decizii liber, nu poți să ai valorile tale. Înțeleg că autorul nu iubea creștinismul, dar trebuia să spună lucrurile așa cum sunt, nu falsuri. Noi avem liberul arbitru! Doar că fiecare alegere are consecințe. Și Dumnezeu a creat egal femeia și bărbatul.

Capitalismul și Revoluția Industrială au început în Europa. Autorul, cu atitudinea americană (arogantă), laudă SUA fiind primul loc unde oamenii erau liberi, egali, unde individul putea să decidă ce să facă cu viața lui, fără să se amestece autoritățile religiose, sociale, politice! Dar cum se face că și acum există rasism, se omoară unul pe altul, e homofobie? Oare chiar totul e ideal în SUA, nu există discriminare față de femei? Americanii uită că sunt urmașii colonizatorilor europeni. Fără Europa, nu exista SUA și tot ce au americanii acum.

Nathaniel Branden afirmă că binele suprem e binele personal. Sunt de acord că omul nu trebuie să-și sacrifice viața pentru comunitate. Dar să fii egoist și să te gândești doar la tine nu e o soluție. Noi tot facem parte din societate și nu putem exista izolat. Pentru ca să ne fie și nouă bine și celorlalți, este necesar să ne implicăm în societate.

În carte se mai spune că nu trebuie să facem o tragedie dacă partenerul/partenera a avut o aventură cu cineva. Nu trebuie să rupem relația, ci să aflăm cauzele acestei aventuri și să lucrăm la ele. Trebuiem să luptăm. Serios? În majoritatea cazurilor, dacă ierți partenerul care te-a înșelat și continui relația, partenerul te va înșela iar. Sunt cazuri când omului i-a părut rău, s-a îndreptat și relația a devenit mai puternică. Dar astea sunt excepții. Încă o tâmpenie din partea autorului!

Autorul consideră copiii o povară pentru iubirea romantică. Da, copiii înseamnă responsabilități și mai puțin timp pentru viața romantică. Dar să spui că sunt o povară e brutal. Mulți oameni și-au dorit să nu facă copii, să aibă mai mult timp pentru dânșii. Nimeni nu i-a impus să facă copii. Nu e nimic rău dacă nu dorești să ai copii, dar să-i naști și apoi să dai vina pe ei că nu ai timp pentru viața ta personală e o idioțenie! Sunt de acord că femeia nu e o mașină de procreat. Autorul nu spune să nu facem copii, ci să fim conștienți despre impactul lor asupra vieții noastre. Decizia de a avea copii trebuie să fie una din iubire, din dorință și conștientă. Bine că măcar acest psiholog are respect față de acei oameni care pot îngriji copiii și în același timp să aibă grijă de iubirea romantică.

Nu are rost să te bagi într-o relație dacă ai stima de sine scăzută. Nu vei putea primi iubire sau o vei refuza inconștient. O stimă de sine bună e cheia relațiilor sănătoase! El explică de ce alegem anumiți parteneri!

Nathaniel vorbește despre gelozie și cauzele ei, despre iubirea matură și cea imatură. E normal ambii să aibă asemănări și diferențe. Dar ei trebuie să aibă același sens al vieții. Chiar dacă au valori diferite, acestea nu trebuie să se contrazică.

Îndrăgostirea nu e dragoste. Dragostea înseamnă să cunoști omul și să-l accepți cu bune și rele. E imposibil să meargă totul bine într-o relație. Sunt suișuri și coborâșuri. Este dinamic. Este necesar ambii să comunice unul cu celalt și să se susțină, să depună eforturi. Dragostea nu e doar o uniune fizico-spirituală.

Cartea asta mi-a schimbat părerea despre Branden. Multe lucruri ok, dar și multe aberații. Prea multe frustrări vizavi de creștinism...
Profile Image for Madi Diane.
33 reviews
January 30, 2020
Great book! I would definitely recommend!

It starts out by talking about love in different cultural perspectives and how it has evolved to what it is now. Although, when the author talks about Christianity, or religion, he tends to put it in a negative light and make general statements about the belief. For example, he constantly relates Christianity to a joyless, suffer filled life. And in the last few chapters he quotes, “the same morality demands that you surrender your soul to promiscuous love for all comers.” Clearly the author believes that love is earned and not given “promiscuously” so to speak. And when love is expressed to everyone, it loses its meaning. I disagree, but it does not change my view of the book.

I really enjoyed how the author explains that no one person exists for the satisfaction of our complete desires and that sometimes love dies because we are not willing to accept the evolution of our partner. Also, how communication may be painful at the time, but suppressing and being subliminal causes greater issues that hurt the relationship. Lastly I love the way he examines “aloneness” and how if we are comfortable in being alone and view ourselves as important and worthy of love, then we won’t be so needy and burdensome to our partner, allowing them to be alone without us feeling rejected.

I highly recommend, although I disagree with some points, the author presents the material in a way that is easy to digest and understand. Very enlightening, I think I am done with my relationship book purge because this book about sums it up!!

Side note; the author does not overcrowd the book with endless relationship stories or counseling encounters like many other relationship books. Filled with advice and ideas and not just other people’s stories.
Profile Image for Jens.
327 reviews6 followers
April 6, 2020
Personally I found it helpful to check my own beliefs againdt historical perspectives and the most "balanced" way through some reflection, exercises and stories. I loved the notion of "visibility" (being seen, understood) and the journey of self-discovery as one of the drivers behind relationships. The importance laid upon self-esteem comes down to the fact that everyone's responsible for his/her own happiness first in order for the relationship to be the celebration of each other. About communication it had few to offer. Overall, good book in an area we're often underdeveloped at (as the book says, marriage deserves the same preparation/education as one's careers does and the inevitable setbacks should be interperated in similar fashion).
Profile Image for Iulia.
Author 4 books14 followers
October 3, 2017
Concluzii, idei și concepte despre iubirea romantică, acea formă de iubire specifică relației de cuplu, din perspectiva unui psihoterapeut care diferențiază iubirea romantică de alte forme de afecțiune față de semeni.
Ușor de citit, de înțeles și deschizătoare de perspective. După ce prezintă evoluția iubirii romantice, o dată cu dezvoltarea civilizației umane, autorul analizează nevoile care fundamentează iubirea romantică, apoi explorează cum alegem de cine ne îndrăgostim și, în final, propune o analiză a factorilor critici de succes pentru iubirea romantică, a motivațiilor pentru care unele relații durează iar altele se termină.
38 reviews5 followers
August 13, 2023
At first , I didn't like the beginning of the book . The point of view of the author was so narrow: He reported romantic love to the American white society exclusively , excluding all the other civilizations making them savage , primary and loveless societies .This excluding degrading opinion is by no mean acceptable nowadays. If an author wants to write about other civilizations, he needs to read about them and to know what he is talking about .
Other than the part1 , the rest was interesting and informative even though there was so many repetitive ideas .
Profile Image for Younes.
29 reviews
March 5, 2022
This book couldn't convince me,
I have read his amazing book : "the six pillars of self esteem", and I said he could be one who changes my vision to mariage and exclusive monogamy, yet, he couldn't...
I think that all what he said in his book is true, I don't pretend he is wrong, but the fact that I need to sacrifice for romantic love so It works (somehow he contradicts this exact statement in other places in the book) is a turn off for me...
Profile Image for Ron Sharp Jr..
7 reviews
July 3, 2018
Just finished, and already want to read it again to reinforce my understanding. Branden begins with an interesting cross-cultural history of romance, and ends with a critique of society's weakening of the word "love". An early pioneer in the study of self-esteem, he has much to offer on a variety of topics, challenging both the forlorn cynic and the hyper-romantic dreamer.

Profile Image for Marta a.
3 reviews
August 24, 2020
very much enjoying all that branden has written. a wonderful book! besides six pillars of self-esteem, this is an essential read for everyone regardless of their relationship status, as it ties everything together. definitely will be re-reading this several times in the future.
5 reviews
July 14, 2022
It's an awesome book. Honestly good to understand how psychology meets romantic love. For the modern day reader just ignore the gender binary and use feminine and masculine instead of male and female. Would work for any one who is in those aspects of their gender.
Profile Image for Pham Giang.
53 reviews
March 24, 2023
Ôi cố mãi mới hết được cuốn này.
Nó chán thôi rồi, dài dòng lan man, đúng kiểu self help.
Profile Image for Lisa (Harmonybites).
1,834 reviews341 followers
April 25, 2010
Nathaniel Branden was once a close disciple of Ayn Rand--although he was purged from the ranks of her inner circle. You can certainly see her influence in this book--it's very self centered--and I don't mean to denigrate it by calling that. Branden's "The Psychology of Self-Esteem simply argues for the importance of self-esteem in a healthy psychology--and I'd agree with that. How revolutionary it is--as claimed on the cover of that book--I can't really judge. I do know that his theories fall into what's known as "cognitive psychology" which believes what ideas you hold are of crucial importance to the psyche. cognitive psychology. Aaron T. Beck is noted as the father of cognitive therapy in the Wiki--and his 1987 book, Cognitive Therapy of Depression, came out decades after Branden's The Psychology of Self-Esteem, which was first published in 1969.

That book contained the chapter "Self-Esteem and Romantic Love." This book expands on the subject. As it says on the cover, the purpose of the book is to consider: What love is, why love is born, why it sometimes grows, why it sometimes dies. I found this book when I was barely out of my teens, and I found it very appealing that it even tried to deal with such questions, let alone attempted answers. Just about everything I'd read or heard before this book by shrugging their shoulders and basically saying love is what it is--which frustrated me no end. I loved his chapter on the "Muttnik Principle"--that the core of romantic love (and close friendship) is the need to be visible. To be seen and understood for who we are. I found this a thought-provoking and valuable book. Even if I take off a star because decades later, I understand a little better why so many would shrug and throw up their hands trying to understand romantic love.
Profile Image for Bookworm Amir.
198 reviews96 followers
March 6, 2012
The book raises a lot of important points that we tend to not know, forget, or are unable to confront.

Basically, if I could summarise the book, which I hate doing so (because its so awesome that YOU have to pick the book up yourself and read it in its entirety)'

is that self-esteem is MOST important to you loving the other person (who could be an extension of yourself).

Two whole beings, those who know the true fact that in the end we are all alone, and accepts that fact and knows how to survive and fully appreciate and believe in what one is - then one two of these, meet, you get the willful 'surrender' of sovereignty, but not to the fullest extent as, remember, one can live without the other.

Some people say self-confidence is important too. But does that not come under self-esteem?

Communication - not just in the surface, but communicating what's deep within you and listening, like REALLY listening, to the other's as well. Speak up and find out about the reasons that belie your's and the other's emotions/thoughts for them to have acted in certain ways etc.

Anyways, I will keep it to this. I want people to go ahead and get their own copies.

For those who have been trying to find and understand what makes love work, and what doesn't, look no further, for this book helps solve it.

This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Madeline.
195 reviews18 followers
February 7, 2012
2 or 3, 2 or 3, 2 or 3...

i hated it, then i thought it was ok, then i thought he made some good points, then i hated it again.

one thing is certain. nathaniel branden and i do not share a "sense of life."
Profile Image for Katie.
28 reviews4 followers
June 5, 2012
Read it twice, and would like to read it a third time. Learned a lot about myself! The principle of psychological visibility made a lot of sense to me.
Profile Image for Mary Woody.
Author 16 books1 follower
August 25, 2012
This was one of the best books I've ever read and this is the second time I've read it. I will read this again I'm sure.I believe every word this author writes.
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