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The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces
Book by Nicholas James Long, Jody E. Long, Signe Whitson
166 pages, Perfect Paperback
First published January 1, 2001
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
August 14, 2012
What do I think? I think I wish I had this book sooner, that;s what I think. And I feel for anyone else who needs to read this but it will help.
December 23, 2012
For anybody who has a passive aggressive family member, or who teaches, this book is an incredible resource.
Read
September 27, 2015this is a classic.
Temporary compliance, characterized by a verbal agreement without follow-through
Intentional inefficiency, or compliance in an unacceptable manner
Letting the problem escalate, or allowing inaction to create a larger problem
Hidden but conscious revenge, characterized by perceived injustice and a desire to punish others
Self-depreciation, which leads to self-destructive acts in order to seek vengeance
Temporary compliance, characterized by a verbal agreement without follow-through
Intentional inefficiency, or compliance in an unacceptable manner
Letting the problem escalate, or allowing inaction to create a larger problem
Hidden but conscious revenge, characterized by perceived injustice and a desire to punish others
Self-depreciation, which leads to self-destructive acts in order to seek vengeance
August 28, 2017
Anyone who deals with children or uh, other human beings on a regular basis should read this book. My only regret about it is that I didn't find it until after I retired from teaching junior high; I can't think of a more valuable resource.
It's short, it's readable, and it helps with all those crazy-making kids (and sometimes co-workers) who say, "I am working", but they always have their heads down. Or, "You didn't say it had to be in English." Or, "I am ready to work. I just don't have a (pencil, book, computer from the cart, etc).
Okay, we have different passive aggressive conversations with our co-workers, but knowing how to deal with it and defuse the cycle of anger it can create helps eliminate it at work and in your own life.
It's short, it's readable, and it helps with all those crazy-making kids (and sometimes co-workers) who say, "I am working", but they always have their heads down. Or, "You didn't say it had to be in English." Or, "I am ready to work. I just don't have a (pencil, book, computer from the cart, etc).
Okay, we have different passive aggressive conversations with our co-workers, but knowing how to deal with it and defuse the cycle of anger it can create helps eliminate it at work and in your own life.
July 22, 2017
As the authors point out, “What makes The Angry Smile so valuable is the cognitive road map it provides for not only understanding the nature of passive-aggressive behavior but also effectively confronting it.” They go on to say, “Passive-aggressive behavior does not alternate between passive behavior and aggressive behavior but rather combines them simultaneously into one behavior that is both confounding and irritating to others.”
It would seem that at one time or another everyone has engaged in some form of passive aggressive behavior. The authors point out that this kind of behavior ranges from “Temporary Compliance” where the “individual verbally agrees to comply with a request but behaviorally delays or consciously forgets to carry it out” to “Self-Depreciation” where the individual “behaves in outrageously offensive and self-destructive ways that lead to his own personal rejection and alienation”. In between you have “Intentional Inefficiency”, “Letting a Problem Escalate”, and “Hidden but Conscious Revenge”. They go on to say, “It is important to note that, in all cases, hidden anger is at the root of true passive aggression, and all such acts are emotionally dishonest means of expression.”
Many of these responses are learned during childhood and, unfortunately, many don’t grow out of them. Overcoming these habits and developing adult conversations seems beyond many people. The first step is someone coming alongside, willing to speak truth into life of the passive-aggressor, and pulling back the veil. Although it would seem most who practice passive-aggressiveness know what they are doing, they have convinced themselves that no one else knows what they are doing. They think they are getting away with it and this, in itself, gives them great pleasure. By others letting the passive aggressive person know their dirty little secret is out, it can begin the process of change.
The authors provide a mechanism for understanding our own or other’s passive-aggressiveness. They then go on to show how to lovingly confront those who act this way. They say, “The first skill to effectively confront passive-aggressive behavior is seeing beyond the sugarcoated behavior and recognize the hostility that lies beneath. The second step in the process of Benign Confrontation is for the adult to refuse to engage in these passive-aggressive conflict cycles.”
Of course, we all need to do it. If we just would, our relationships at home, school, the office, and life in general, would be much better. This will allow adult conversations which deal with real issues, which in turn reveal the hurts and pain experienced so others are aware of what is going on.
Anger is real. All of us experience it and need to learn better how to express it. Not only do we need to learn how to express our own, but we also need to learn how to allow others to express theirs.
It would seem that at one time or another everyone has engaged in some form of passive aggressive behavior. The authors point out that this kind of behavior ranges from “Temporary Compliance” where the “individual verbally agrees to comply with a request but behaviorally delays or consciously forgets to carry it out” to “Self-Depreciation” where the individual “behaves in outrageously offensive and self-destructive ways that lead to his own personal rejection and alienation”. In between you have “Intentional Inefficiency”, “Letting a Problem Escalate”, and “Hidden but Conscious Revenge”. They go on to say, “It is important to note that, in all cases, hidden anger is at the root of true passive aggression, and all such acts are emotionally dishonest means of expression.”
Many of these responses are learned during childhood and, unfortunately, many don’t grow out of them. Overcoming these habits and developing adult conversations seems beyond many people. The first step is someone coming alongside, willing to speak truth into life of the passive-aggressor, and pulling back the veil. Although it would seem most who practice passive-aggressiveness know what they are doing, they have convinced themselves that no one else knows what they are doing. They think they are getting away with it and this, in itself, gives them great pleasure. By others letting the passive aggressive person know their dirty little secret is out, it can begin the process of change.
The authors provide a mechanism for understanding our own or other’s passive-aggressiveness. They then go on to show how to lovingly confront those who act this way. They say, “The first skill to effectively confront passive-aggressive behavior is seeing beyond the sugarcoated behavior and recognize the hostility that lies beneath. The second step in the process of Benign Confrontation is for the adult to refuse to engage in these passive-aggressive conflict cycles.”
Of course, we all need to do it. If we just would, our relationships at home, school, the office, and life in general, would be much better. This will allow adult conversations which deal with real issues, which in turn reveal the hurts and pain experienced so others are aware of what is going on.
Anger is real. All of us experience it and need to learn better how to express it. Not only do we need to learn how to express our own, but we also need to learn how to allow others to express theirs.
May 25, 2009
The Angry Smile,
The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools and Workplaces
Written By: Jody E. Long, Nicholas J. Long and Signe Whitson
Published By: PRO-ED Inc., 2008, Second Edition, 166 pages, perfect paperback
ISBN 978-1416404231
The Angry Smile is a fantastic resource for Psychologists, Behavioural Therapists, Counsellors, teachers, spouses and parents who have to deal with passive-aggressive children, teens and adults. This edition is useful and very easy to understand; with in-depth, carefully researched and documented studies that explain the progression of passive-aggressive behavior in children and adults, this book gets right to the point. At the end of each chapter there is a brief summary that sums up the topics that were discussed. Included in the second edition are: real life case-studies and examples, charts, diagrams, an appendix and a list of references. At times I found the content a...
* Please follow the link to read the whole review:
http://bookreviewsbybobbie.wordpress....
The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools and Workplaces
Written By: Jody E. Long, Nicholas J. Long and Signe Whitson
Published By: PRO-ED Inc., 2008, Second Edition, 166 pages, perfect paperback
ISBN 978-1416404231
The Angry Smile is a fantastic resource for Psychologists, Behavioural Therapists, Counsellors, teachers, spouses and parents who have to deal with passive-aggressive children, teens and adults. This edition is useful and very easy to understand; with in-depth, carefully researched and documented studies that explain the progression of passive-aggressive behavior in children and adults, this book gets right to the point. At the end of each chapter there is a brief summary that sums up the topics that were discussed. Included in the second edition are: real life case-studies and examples, charts, diagrams, an appendix and a list of references. At times I found the content a...
* Please follow the link to read the whole review:
http://bookreviewsbybobbie.wordpress....
February 4, 2015
I found this very useful. I wish I had more time to truly study it to both learn better how not to be passive-aggressive and how to deal with it in others. I will carry some of it with me in dealings with others & I hope my family will find me more honest when I'm angry, instead of manipulative.
July 5, 2025
This book is an absolute must-read for anyone who has ever felt confused, guilty, or unusually reactive around someone who "never seems angry" but somehow manages to provoke frustration at every turn. Passive aggression is one of the most underdiscussed yet deeply pervasive dynamics in both personal and professional relationships, and this book brings it sharply into focus.
What stood out most for me was the clear breakdown of passive-aggressive behavior — from subtle sabotage to guilt-tripping and emotional withholding — and how these behaviors are not harmless quirks but strategic forms of control and avoidance. The section on projective identification was especially eye-opening. It articulates that eerie feeling of becoming uncharacteristically angry or aggressive around a passive-aggressive person, only to then be blamed for "overreacting." That toxic cycle is explained with such psychological precision that it was both validating and empowering.
Equally valuable were the practical tools and communication strategies provided to help navigate these situations without getting emotionally hijacked. The book doesn’t just diagnose the problem — it offers a roadmap for stepping out of the endless dance of provocation and guilt.
Highly recommended for anyone interested in emotional intelligence, boundary-setting, or simply making sense of that one relationship that always leaves them second-guessing themselves.
What stood out most for me was the clear breakdown of passive-aggressive behavior — from subtle sabotage to guilt-tripping and emotional withholding — and how these behaviors are not harmless quirks but strategic forms of control and avoidance. The section on projective identification was especially eye-opening. It articulates that eerie feeling of becoming uncharacteristically angry or aggressive around a passive-aggressive person, only to then be blamed for "overreacting." That toxic cycle is explained with such psychological precision that it was both validating and empowering.
Equally valuable were the practical tools and communication strategies provided to help navigate these situations without getting emotionally hijacked. The book doesn’t just diagnose the problem — it offers a roadmap for stepping out of the endless dance of provocation and guilt.
Highly recommended for anyone interested in emotional intelligence, boundary-setting, or simply making sense of that one relationship that always leaves them second-guessing themselves.
September 13, 2021
Notes that I want to reference and remember:
Anger is a neutral feeling
Hate- the focused feeling of anger; has a specific target
Passivity- “a doormat”
Counter passive aggression - mirrored behavior
Assertiveness- the healthy expression of feelings
Passive aggression- masked way of expressing anger
Passive aggressive behavior is like a drop of anger being quietly transferred from an angry person to the victim with each passive aggressive act. Eventually the droplets add up and overflow the rim of the victims cup, spewing forth in an eruption of anger. The passive aggressive person looks on in “innocence” at the danger of acting on anger (which reinforces his belief that expressing anger is bad, so one must hide it), and the victim feels guilty and doesn’t understand why he got so upset at something so little. A passive aggressive person is a master at affecting others while claiming to be the afflicted.
Passive aggression usually forms in one of four ways: from a violent home (anger is perceived as dangerous); from a “perfect” home (anger is perceived as sinful); from a home where one parent is dominant and the other subservient (and passive aggression becomes a way to gang up against the dominant parent); or as a way to cope with disabilities.
People use passive aggression...
1. As a situational response. To avoid carrying out an undesirable task while simultaneously avoiding an argument. It’s a socially acceptable way to defy authority.
2. During childhood development stages. As a way to test the parent/authority figure.
3. To manage difficulties in a cultural norm. For example, one is expected to honor their elders, or to be a gracious southern hostess, or polite customer service agent. When difficulties arise, passive aggression behaves in a socially acceptable way while still defying the difficult person.
4. As a way of life. This happens when a passive aggressive adult is recreating the dynamics of their childhood, even when the situation doesn’t warrant it.
In summary, all passive aggression is a way to get or maintain control while still behaving in a socially acceptable way.
Four levels of passive aggressive behavior:
1. Temporary compliance. Delaying or “forgetting” to do things with and underlying feeling of anger toward the requester. Also would include excuses such as “I can’t see it, I didn’t hear you” or feigning temporary brain damage and procrastinating.
2. Intentional inefficiency. Doing the job to the letter of the law, but completely missing the spirit of it. (I.e. “I loaded the dishwasher like you said; you never specified I had to scrape the food off the plates”)
3. Crime of omission or inaction. Not telling the person you are angry with important information. Letting the problem escalate when you could do something to stop it.
4. Hidden revenge. Sometimes anonymous (like hiding important things, puncturing tires, giving a mean customer caffeinated coffee instead of the decaf that was demanded, etc). Sometimes it comes disguised as backhanded compliments, unsolicited advice, and unasked for gifts
5. Self-depreciation. When a person is so passive aggressive they are willing to hurt themselves in order to get back at the object of their anger.
Steps to temporarily stop a passive aggressive behavior:
1. Recognize it.
2. Acknowledge how it makes you angry
3. Role model the management of your anger through assertiveness
4. Don’t empower a passive aggressive person (“everyone has to wait for Timmy to put his shoes on before we can go outside” - while Timmy is passive aggressively delaying this task) Remain in charge of the situation.
5. The Columbo technique (say, as if speaking to yourself, “it’s so strange Timmy isn’t getting his shoes on. I know he heard me tell him to. And yesterday he was so fast about tying his shoes. I know he likes to go outside. I think I’ll ask him again to get his shoes on”
6. Set clear expectations ahead of time
7. Remove the gratification of being in passive aggressive control of the situation. (Have a backup plan so your project doesn’t hinge on a passive aggressive person; refuse to argue and engage with the passive aggressive person; don’t give them the satisfaction of watching you be upset by them)
8. Set boundaries with logical consequences
Steps to confront (and hopefully change) passive aggressive behavior:
1. Recognize the pattern of passive aggression
2. Refuse to engage in the passive aggressive conflict cycle (and mirror the behavior)
3. Affirm the anger (“I have a thought....[state the facts]... and it just leads me to wonder if maybe you did this because you are upset with me. What are your thoughts?
4. Manage the denial. The passive aggressive person will likely say there’s no issue at all. Let them save face. You’ve planted the seed, walk away and wait for it to sprout. If necessary, now is the time to employ a logical consequence to the passive aggressive behavior (“because this dishwasher wasn’t loaded and ran before 4 pm as I asked, you’ll need to hand wash the dishes so we have them ready in time for supper”
5. Revisit the thought. The next time passive aggressive behavior occurs, say something like, “I just had a thought. What happened between us just now reminded me of a problem we had last week. Remember when I asked if you were upset with me? Well, this incident seems similar to that one. What do you think?”
6. Eventually, identify areas of competence and build the passive aggressive person up.
Anger is a neutral feeling
Hate- the focused feeling of anger; has a specific target
Passivity- “a doormat”
Counter passive aggression - mirrored behavior
Assertiveness- the healthy expression of feelings
Passive aggression- masked way of expressing anger
Passive aggressive behavior is like a drop of anger being quietly transferred from an angry person to the victim with each passive aggressive act. Eventually the droplets add up and overflow the rim of the victims cup, spewing forth in an eruption of anger. The passive aggressive person looks on in “innocence” at the danger of acting on anger (which reinforces his belief that expressing anger is bad, so one must hide it), and the victim feels guilty and doesn’t understand why he got so upset at something so little. A passive aggressive person is a master at affecting others while claiming to be the afflicted.
Passive aggression usually forms in one of four ways: from a violent home (anger is perceived as dangerous); from a “perfect” home (anger is perceived as sinful); from a home where one parent is dominant and the other subservient (and passive aggression becomes a way to gang up against the dominant parent); or as a way to cope with disabilities.
People use passive aggression...
1. As a situational response. To avoid carrying out an undesirable task while simultaneously avoiding an argument. It’s a socially acceptable way to defy authority.
2. During childhood development stages. As a way to test the parent/authority figure.
3. To manage difficulties in a cultural norm. For example, one is expected to honor their elders, or to be a gracious southern hostess, or polite customer service agent. When difficulties arise, passive aggression behaves in a socially acceptable way while still defying the difficult person.
4. As a way of life. This happens when a passive aggressive adult is recreating the dynamics of their childhood, even when the situation doesn’t warrant it.
In summary, all passive aggression is a way to get or maintain control while still behaving in a socially acceptable way.
Four levels of passive aggressive behavior:
1. Temporary compliance. Delaying or “forgetting” to do things with and underlying feeling of anger toward the requester. Also would include excuses such as “I can’t see it, I didn’t hear you” or feigning temporary brain damage and procrastinating.
2. Intentional inefficiency. Doing the job to the letter of the law, but completely missing the spirit of it. (I.e. “I loaded the dishwasher like you said; you never specified I had to scrape the food off the plates”)
3. Crime of omission or inaction. Not telling the person you are angry with important information. Letting the problem escalate when you could do something to stop it.
4. Hidden revenge. Sometimes anonymous (like hiding important things, puncturing tires, giving a mean customer caffeinated coffee instead of the decaf that was demanded, etc). Sometimes it comes disguised as backhanded compliments, unsolicited advice, and unasked for gifts
5. Self-depreciation. When a person is so passive aggressive they are willing to hurt themselves in order to get back at the object of their anger.
Steps to temporarily stop a passive aggressive behavior:
1. Recognize it.
2. Acknowledge how it makes you angry
3. Role model the management of your anger through assertiveness
4. Don’t empower a passive aggressive person (“everyone has to wait for Timmy to put his shoes on before we can go outside” - while Timmy is passive aggressively delaying this task) Remain in charge of the situation.
5. The Columbo technique (say, as if speaking to yourself, “it’s so strange Timmy isn’t getting his shoes on. I know he heard me tell him to. And yesterday he was so fast about tying his shoes. I know he likes to go outside. I think I’ll ask him again to get his shoes on”
6. Set clear expectations ahead of time
7. Remove the gratification of being in passive aggressive control of the situation. (Have a backup plan so your project doesn’t hinge on a passive aggressive person; refuse to argue and engage with the passive aggressive person; don’t give them the satisfaction of watching you be upset by them)
8. Set boundaries with logical consequences
Steps to confront (and hopefully change) passive aggressive behavior:
1. Recognize the pattern of passive aggression
2. Refuse to engage in the passive aggressive conflict cycle (and mirror the behavior)
3. Affirm the anger (“I have a thought....[state the facts]... and it just leads me to wonder if maybe you did this because you are upset with me. What are your thoughts?
4. Manage the denial. The passive aggressive person will likely say there’s no issue at all. Let them save face. You’ve planted the seed, walk away and wait for it to sprout. If necessary, now is the time to employ a logical consequence to the passive aggressive behavior (“because this dishwasher wasn’t loaded and ran before 4 pm as I asked, you’ll need to hand wash the dishes so we have them ready in time for supper”
5. Revisit the thought. The next time passive aggressive behavior occurs, say something like, “I just had a thought. What happened between us just now reminded me of a problem we had last week. Remember when I asked if you were upset with me? Well, this incident seems similar to that one. What do you think?”
6. Eventually, identify areas of competence and build the passive aggressive person up.
October 1, 2019
Helpful introduction to passive aggressive behaviors. There are frameworks to help you improve your own behaviors, as well as how to respond to the others.
August 9, 2021
hey as far as nonfic psych books this is pretty good and avoids seeming like pop psych. iluminating & easy to read
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 9, 2017
What an eye-opening book! I am sure that everyone has been on the receiving end of passive aggression (at home, school or work). This book teaches how to identify passive-agressive behavior and how to respond to it properly--with assertiveness or Benign Confrontation. I plan on re-reading this book in the future to keep in fresh in my mind.
2013 read
2013 read
August 11, 2016
Totally awesome and logical. This book helped me understand a lot. I am looking forward to greater awareness and to using the tools provided. I also hope to take the online class and perhaps have a workshop at my school where we deal with students and faculty with passive aggressive behaviors all the time!
September 10, 2016
The real-world short examples were helpful.
November 16, 2017
If you want to really understand and respond to passive/aggressive behaviors...this is the book for you!
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