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Ocean of Lard

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3.55  ·  Rating details ·  175 Ratings  ·  15 Reviews
You're on the run from the cops and need a place to disappear somehow. Luckily you happen across a secret ocean in the middle of Wyoming. An undiscovered world of zombies and pirates that, according to maps, couldn't possibly exist. But here it is, a vast white sea that is made of some kind of greasy blubber substance instead of water.
Paperback, 176 pages
Published March 10th 2005 by Eraserhead Press
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Broodingferret
Aug 14, 2009 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: fiction, screwed-up
If Hunter S. Thompson and Charles Manson decided one day to candy flip together and write a choose-your-own-adventure book, something very similar to Ocean of Lard would have been the result. This book is a feverish blob of festering amazingness. An excerpt written on the book's back cover grants a whiff of the fragrant wonders that reside within:

If you board The Eye World, turn to page 21. If you take The Rotten Sore, turn to page 22. But choose wisely! You could find yourself screwing demonic
...more
Kelly
Oct 01, 2008 rated it it was amazing
This book is just sick and wrong, so naturally I thought it was hilarious. Oh c’mon, a surreal twist on one of my favorite types of YA book – choose your own adventure? It had my name written all over it. Poor Edward Packard, I bet he never could have imagined how easily his layout could be corrupted. And thanks be to Thumper for that, because I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard my internal organs almost split. De nada, boys!

Soaring my heart with pleasure while simultaneously stink
...more
Christy Stewart
I knew things weren't going well when I got to a "The End" and I thought, "I'm okay with that."

Doing an adult version of a choose-your-own-adventure is a great idea but in the end it was more fun to appreciate as a concept than to actually read. The story itself was a little flat but the worst part was that the few choices you were given were just linear A or B decicions. I expected a lot more from the people involved.

I might have found this more entertaining, though, if I hadn't read Super Gian
...more
Teresa
What fun!!! I had so much fun trying out a bunch of different scenarios with this book. My first story ended MUCH too quickly, although being the mayor of Pirate Town and getting an Academy Award for porn is probably still the best outcome of the rest. Just watch out for the Grokfish.
I loved that Carlton did part of this and Kevin did the other half. That was a pretty genius maneuver, 'cause when I saw it was co-authored, I wondered how the hell that was possible. Suffice it to say, those guys
...more
Jonathan
Jul 08, 2009 rated it it was amazing
You remember those kickass Goosebumps Choose Your Own adventures you read as a kid, where choosing the wrong path (and there was only one *right* path) would lead to you dying to being turned into a plant or being imprisoned for life or having some other unpleasant fate, with the words "THE END" in bold taunting you each time? And how they'd assume that you were an elementary school boy who liked comic books and horror? Well, "Ocean of Lard" takes that template, but makes it all really fucked up ...more
kcb
Oct 22, 2012 rated it really liked it
I wish I could get this 4.5, rather than 4, but I can't. No one thinks to make half star ratings for sites like this. Yet scores can average out and equal fractions of a star. Some site will even display like 4 stars, and then a little tiny piece of coloring on the left arm of the fifth star, so you're supposed to guess at what that means... 4.10 stars? 4 and 1/5? Who knows?

I'm not saying I need to vote in 1/5ths, or even in easier-to-manage 1/4ths. I'm just saying halves would be nice. So i co
...more
Josh Olsen
Nov 27, 2007 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Nobody... everybody....
I don't know what I could say about this book that wouldn't dissuade somneone away from it. Very light reading, very humorous in a childish way, it's fun, and disgusting, it's a choose your own adventure book with dirty dentata teeth.
Paul
Feb 01, 2012 rated it liked it
I like this book, but cannot recommend it. Reading it will take years off of your life, destroy your faith in goodness, and leave you feeling hollowed out and empty. Kudos to the authors for creating perhaps the single most disturbing read of my entire life.
Patrick
Jan 17, 2008 rated it did not like it
Shelves: 2007
Starts with the line, "You shouldn't have molested all those children," which is great, but that's the sole highlight. I had actually written like 25 pages of a fake "Choose Your Own Adventure" before I heard of this, and trust me, mine will be way better. Nice title though.
David Edmonds
This is wrong on so many levels, it loops right back around to being awesome.
Scott
Jan 16, 2015 rated it liked it
This sounded like such a brilliant idea that I may have built it up too much in my head. The actual experience of reading it was kind of boring. I'm a fan of both writers but this just wasn't for me.
Trevor Kroger
Jul 28, 2014 rated it it was amazing
I got sodomized by a walrus-man.
Matt Carl
Feb 25, 2017 rated it did not like it
Some kind of adult "choose your own adventure." Dull tripe.
Jon
Mar 05, 2008 rated it it was ok
Tries too hard.
Cameo
Jun 14, 2008 rated it it was ok
Could have been a lot better.
William Curb
rated it it was ok
Jan 27, 2008
Chris
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Jul 24, 2010
Sam
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Sep 30, 2014
Sally Violet
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Apr 26, 2013
Mkfs
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Bradley
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Dec 30, 2007
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Garrett Bing
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Jan 29, 2008
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M. Alexander D.
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77 followers
I am a writer man.

Currently, HOUSE OF HOUSES, SHALL WE GATHER AT THE GARDEN?, OCEAN OF LARD (co-written with Carlton Mellick III), GRAPE CITY, and THE GREATEST FUCKING MOMENT IN SPORTS are my books from Eraserhead Press.

I've had a lot of short fiction published since 1995. Biggest short fiction credit = a story in THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF LEGAL THRILLERS, published by Carroll and Graf in the US and C
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