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The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships
“I said I was sorry! What more do you want?” Even in the best of relationships, we mess up. We say and do things we deeply regret later on. So we need to make things right. But just saying you’re sorry isn’t enough. That’s only the first step on the road to restoration. In The 5 Apology Languages , Gary Chapman, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of the 5 Love Languages ®, partners with Jennifer Thomas to help you on the journey toward restored relationships. True healing comes when you learn Don’t let hurts linger or wounds fester. Start on the path to healing today and discover how meaningful apologies can make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.
208 pages, Paperback
Published January 3, 2022
About the author
Gary Chapman
614 books3,631 followersGary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships.
Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.
Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.
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February 11, 2022
Imagine a scene with two children and one child does something to the other that’s intentionally or unintentionally mean or rude. Cuts in line. Takes their toy. Shoves them. You get the idea. We’ve all been there. And we know what’s likely to happen next. An adult makes the offender apologize to the offended.
Say you’re sorry.
The offender stares daggers at the offended. Sorry.
And the adult concludes that amends have been made. We’ve done the best we can, even though the offender wasn’t sorry, the offended feels no better, and the mediator knows that nothing of substance has changed.
When we become adults, we often don’t do any better. I’m sorry you were offended, seems to be a common non-apology. Silence is another. Or verbal apologies with no change in actions or behavior. Or even a sincere “my bad” but a refusal to take responsibility for the consequences. And like it was when we were kids, we often think we can’t do any better. But the truth is, we can—if we know how.
The 5 Apology Languages uses the framework of the now-classic The Five Love Languages, breaking down our desired response to offense into five categories. Unlike some other spinoffs, The 5 Apology Languages isn’t just the love languages repackaged into a new context (though I would be interested to see if certain love languages lend themselves to certain apology languages), it’s a whole new system that talks about five different ways to apologize.
The first apology language is expressing regret. It’s about naming the problem, acknowledging it, and showing sorrow over it. In this this apology language, the offended primarily wants to know the offender understands the offense.
The second is accepting responsibility. In this apology language, the offended wants to know that the offender is going to own their mistakes or bad behavior. This goes beyond naming the problem to admitting culpability and accepting the consequences.
The third language is making restitution. Similar to taking responsibility, this apology language looks for a practical response. How can the wrong be righted?
The fourth apology language is planning to change. Chapman and Thomas note that many people are quick to apologize but slow to change their behavior. In this language, the offended want to know what steps the offender will take to avoid a repeat offense.
The fifth is requesting forgiveness. This one rounds off the languages by putting power back into the hands of the offended. It is about showing humility, understanding the need for forgiveness, and verbally asking the offended for it.
As you can see, the 5 apology languages are not exclusive to one another. Responsibility may be inherently tired to restitution. In fact, if you look at the structure of the languages, you can see how a good apology will actually incorporate all five apology languages. And that’s not just to make sure you’re heard. It’s a sequential step-by-step method of a full, robust, sincere apology. Regret leads to responsibility leads to restitution leads to change and concludes with a desire to receive forgiveness.
Chapman and Thomas also make it clear that it’s important to apologize with the other person’s primary apology language. It’s not about going through the motions or checking items off a list, it’s about communication and understanding, caring for a person in the way they prefer to be taken care of. Another great point is that one can apologize for things they didn’t mean to do. You can sincerely and genuinely apologize for unintentional offenses.
Some of the Love Languages spinoffs have been little more than The Five Love Languages repackaged. The 5 Apology Languages stands on its own separate from Chapman’s other work and offers a simple, yet profound breakdown of how to communicate apology. Filled with personal anecdotes and vignettes, the book is readable, conversational, and practical. You’re going to see yourself in this book.
And if that’s not enough, the book ends with a 5 Apology Languages test to see what language you identify with the most. Interestingly, I found myself asking differently based on relational context. What I want out of an apology from my wife might be different from what I want out of a coworker, employer, stranger, or government. With so much miscommunication in relationships, The 5 Apology Languages will be an indispensable resource in building resilient, forgiving relationships.
As an addendum, it’s worth mentioning that this is not a brand new publication, but an updated and revised edition of The Five Languages of Apology and When Sorry Isn’t Enough.
Say you’re sorry.
The offender stares daggers at the offended. Sorry.
And the adult concludes that amends have been made. We’ve done the best we can, even though the offender wasn’t sorry, the offended feels no better, and the mediator knows that nothing of substance has changed.
When we become adults, we often don’t do any better. I’m sorry you were offended, seems to be a common non-apology. Silence is another. Or verbal apologies with no change in actions or behavior. Or even a sincere “my bad” but a refusal to take responsibility for the consequences. And like it was when we were kids, we often think we can’t do any better. But the truth is, we can—if we know how.
The 5 Apology Languages uses the framework of the now-classic The Five Love Languages, breaking down our desired response to offense into five categories. Unlike some other spinoffs, The 5 Apology Languages isn’t just the love languages repackaged into a new context (though I would be interested to see if certain love languages lend themselves to certain apology languages), it’s a whole new system that talks about five different ways to apologize.
The first apology language is expressing regret. It’s about naming the problem, acknowledging it, and showing sorrow over it. In this this apology language, the offended primarily wants to know the offender understands the offense.
The second is accepting responsibility. In this apology language, the offended wants to know that the offender is going to own their mistakes or bad behavior. This goes beyond naming the problem to admitting culpability and accepting the consequences.
The third language is making restitution. Similar to taking responsibility, this apology language looks for a practical response. How can the wrong be righted?
The fourth apology language is planning to change. Chapman and Thomas note that many people are quick to apologize but slow to change their behavior. In this language, the offended want to know what steps the offender will take to avoid a repeat offense.
The fifth is requesting forgiveness. This one rounds off the languages by putting power back into the hands of the offended. It is about showing humility, understanding the need for forgiveness, and verbally asking the offended for it.
As you can see, the 5 apology languages are not exclusive to one another. Responsibility may be inherently tired to restitution. In fact, if you look at the structure of the languages, you can see how a good apology will actually incorporate all five apology languages. And that’s not just to make sure you’re heard. It’s a sequential step-by-step method of a full, robust, sincere apology. Regret leads to responsibility leads to restitution leads to change and concludes with a desire to receive forgiveness.
Chapman and Thomas also make it clear that it’s important to apologize with the other person’s primary apology language. It’s not about going through the motions or checking items off a list, it’s about communication and understanding, caring for a person in the way they prefer to be taken care of. Another great point is that one can apologize for things they didn’t mean to do. You can sincerely and genuinely apologize for unintentional offenses.
Some of the Love Languages spinoffs have been little more than The Five Love Languages repackaged. The 5 Apology Languages stands on its own separate from Chapman’s other work and offers a simple, yet profound breakdown of how to communicate apology. Filled with personal anecdotes and vignettes, the book is readable, conversational, and practical. You’re going to see yourself in this book.
And if that’s not enough, the book ends with a 5 Apology Languages test to see what language you identify with the most. Interestingly, I found myself asking differently based on relational context. What I want out of an apology from my wife might be different from what I want out of a coworker, employer, stranger, or government. With so much miscommunication in relationships, The 5 Apology Languages will be an indispensable resource in building resilient, forgiving relationships.
As an addendum, it’s worth mentioning that this is not a brand new publication, but an updated and revised edition of The Five Languages of Apology and When Sorry Isn’t Enough.
January 22, 2022
I got this book because I was looking for insight on forgiveness. I was looking for permission to forgive myself so I could forgive anyone else.
Just get the book
Just get the book
December 21, 2023
We all know and love “love languages,” but I found “apology languages” to be even more important. This book truly transformed the way I view an apology … would highly recommend!
April 18, 2026
This book was quite helpful in learning how to apologize in a way that the other person appreciates (like loving someone in a way that means the most to them from the 5 love languages). I’d definitely recommend that people read this!
February 22, 2022
In the book The Five Apology Languages, authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas help their readers understand the nature of apologies and forgiveness by breaking down what they call the “five languages of apology”. In a similar way that Gary Chapman explains the five languages of love in his best-selling book series, this author duo brings awareness to the fact that there are several different ways that someone apologizes. These five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planned change, and requesting forgiveness. Through an engaging and easy-to-understand presentation, Chapman and Thomas help us see that understanding your apology languages as well as the apology languages of your loved ones will change the dynamic of practically every relationship in your life. Using many biblical principles, his exploration of apology and forgiveness is revolutionary and timely. Including a quiz to help you determine your apology languages as well as tools to help you determine your loved ones’ languages, this is a tool that everyone young and old needs to have at their disposal.
My only criticism of the book is the contents of chapter 11, in which the authors encourage the idea of self-forgiveness. I strongly disagree with this idea. This is because I believe that when a Christian is unable to forgive themselves, they are basically saying that they messed up so bad that they can’t accept Christ’s forgiveness. That is a lie that Satan desperately wants us to believe. Instead of addressing apologies to yourself, you need to address them to God and then fully believe that He has forgiven you. While spending a whole chapter talking about apologizing to yourself, they spend hardly any time discussing apologizing to God when we’ve sinned against Him. I understand that they presented this idea from the perspective of counselors, but to me, this idea is not grounded in good theology.
Aside from my disagreements about self-forgiveness, I still think this is a great book and would recommend it to practically anyone. [Would have given this 4.5 stars if it was possible] Get your copy today!
* I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review
My only criticism of the book is the contents of chapter 11, in which the authors encourage the idea of self-forgiveness. I strongly disagree with this idea. This is because I believe that when a Christian is unable to forgive themselves, they are basically saying that they messed up so bad that they can’t accept Christ’s forgiveness. That is a lie that Satan desperately wants us to believe. Instead of addressing apologies to yourself, you need to address them to God and then fully believe that He has forgiven you. While spending a whole chapter talking about apologizing to yourself, they spend hardly any time discussing apologizing to God when we’ve sinned against Him. I understand that they presented this idea from the perspective of counselors, but to me, this idea is not grounded in good theology.
Aside from my disagreements about self-forgiveness, I still think this is a great book and would recommend it to practically anyone. [Would have given this 4.5 stars if it was possible] Get your copy today!
* I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review
January 27, 2024
overly religious
I think my main problem with the five apology languages is my same issue with the five love languages. It’s silly to think one is sufficient when all are important. In the apology examples they give in the book, they almost always include multiple (at least three) different types of apologies. All are essential so the idea of finding one that works best makes no sense. The author refers to using additional apology languages as “icing on the cake”. If they add to the apology, why would you not add all components? By the end of the book, he’s suggesting you add all five languages. So it’s more about 5 essential steps in an apology than about different apology languages.
Also, it is heavily religious which is not my cup of tea. I think the book is difficult to read as a non-Christian as it frequently quotes the bible and says you need to ask God for forgiveness/strength etc.
Also immediately gave up the book completely when the example was given of a man hitting his wife and broke her jaw. She forgave him. This is NOT something you should forgive and move past.
The book also says children who have run way from home to live on the streets, should choose to apologize to their parents. Personally, I think if the child has run away, there’s probably a strong reason. Also… they’re children. Perhaps we should be looking at the parents and not putting the onus on children. A direct quote “To be sure, those who were abused by parents needed also to receive an apology. But that was not likely to happen unless they initiated the process.” So even abused children should first apologize to their parents? Honestly what a disgusting view point.
The book also gives an example of a woman who was abused as a young girl by her father. Naturally, she apologized to him!? The author even goes on to speculate that if young men and woman learned to apologize, they wouldn’t have broken relationships, and therefore not ended up on the street. Another direct quote “Eventually, there was no one to whom they could turn, so they turned to the streets. I have often wondered how different things might have been had someone taught these men and women to apologize.” Overall, a highly self righteous and offensive book.
I think my main problem with the five apology languages is my same issue with the five love languages. It’s silly to think one is sufficient when all are important. In the apology examples they give in the book, they almost always include multiple (at least three) different types of apologies. All are essential so the idea of finding one that works best makes no sense. The author refers to using additional apology languages as “icing on the cake”. If they add to the apology, why would you not add all components? By the end of the book, he’s suggesting you add all five languages. So it’s more about 5 essential steps in an apology than about different apology languages.
Also, it is heavily religious which is not my cup of tea. I think the book is difficult to read as a non-Christian as it frequently quotes the bible and says you need to ask God for forgiveness/strength etc.
Also immediately gave up the book completely when the example was given of a man hitting his wife and broke her jaw. She forgave him. This is NOT something you should forgive and move past.
The book also says children who have run way from home to live on the streets, should choose to apologize to their parents. Personally, I think if the child has run away, there’s probably a strong reason. Also… they’re children. Perhaps we should be looking at the parents and not putting the onus on children. A direct quote “To be sure, those who were abused by parents needed also to receive an apology. But that was not likely to happen unless they initiated the process.” So even abused children should first apologize to their parents? Honestly what a disgusting view point.
The book also gives an example of a woman who was abused as a young girl by her father. Naturally, she apologized to him!? The author even goes on to speculate that if young men and woman learned to apologize, they wouldn’t have broken relationships, and therefore not ended up on the street. Another direct quote “Eventually, there was no one to whom they could turn, so they turned to the streets. I have often wondered how different things might have been had someone taught these men and women to apologize.” Overall, a highly self righteous and offensive book.
December 14, 2023
You know how we sometimes say that a book could have been a blog post? Well, this book could have been a poster. When you boil it down the concepts behind it are really great and I've learned a lot but the book itself is all fluff. So. Many. Stories. If you struggle with the emotional baggage of other people and are highly sensitive, I would not recommend that you read this book. It made me truly feel uncomfortable and depressed.
November 3, 2022
Very very informative. I think just like the love languages, it's important to understand how we apologize. I've realized the way I normally apologize and what I look for in an apology. And I believe this will help me in my future relationships and marriage. I think learning how to apologize the correct way is extreme important in every area of life.
June 17, 2026
2.75 🌟
I'm sorry to say this would have earned a higher rating for me, but there was at least one chapter just devoted to explaining the prodigal son story from the Bible. So this book kind of alienates non-Christians, even if I did like that stuff and thought he explained it well. But what really bothers me is at the end, there's a disclaimer that some names are changed (OK, that's normal) but also, some apology/relationship/success stories he shared are entirely fictional. Wtf??? Where is the apology for that deception??
I mean I did enjoy this, and I thought most of it makes sense, but I also listened to it as an audiobook and I couldn't tell you what the 5 apology languages are and I JUST finished it. Maybe this could have been a shorter book with less marketing and made-up stories, hmm, and more of a focus on using the 5 languages correctly.
Came back to add: Oh yeah, I hope several of the stories ARE made up because what do you mean you are encouraging folks who were abused as children to apologize to their abusers???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN??
Some very strange/wrong takes there....
I'm sorry to say this would have earned a higher rating for me, but there was at least one chapter just devoted to explaining the prodigal son story from the Bible. So this book kind of alienates non-Christians, even if I did like that stuff and thought he explained it well. But what really bothers me is at the end, there's a disclaimer that some names are changed (OK, that's normal) but also, some apology/relationship/success stories he shared are entirely fictional. Wtf??? Where is the apology for that deception??
I mean I did enjoy this, and I thought most of it makes sense, but I also listened to it as an audiobook and I couldn't tell you what the 5 apology languages are and I JUST finished it. Maybe this could have been a shorter book with less marketing and made-up stories, hmm, and more of a focus on using the 5 languages correctly.
Came back to add: Oh yeah, I hope several of the stories ARE made up because what do you mean you are encouraging folks who were abused as children to apologize to their abusers???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN??
Some very strange/wrong takes there....
April 15, 2024
This book kinda blew my mind. I had never heard the concept of apology languages, and it’s something I seriously need to grow in.
One thing I wish he would’ve clarified sooner was that “forgiveness” and “reconciliation” are two different things. Of course this book is about apologizing, so in these scenarios it may be a given that both parties want a renewed relationship. However, I feel like there should have been clear differentiation from the get go.
Interested to see how this knowledge changes things for me in the future.
One thing I wish he would’ve clarified sooner was that “forgiveness” and “reconciliation” are two different things. Of course this book is about apologizing, so in these scenarios it may be a given that both parties want a renewed relationship. However, I feel like there should have been clear differentiation from the get go.
Interested to see how this knowledge changes things for me in the future.
Read
July 21, 2026Pg. 16: “Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do kit confess or repent of their sins”.
Apologies significantly make it easier to forgive.
Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust overtime.
- Express regret:
When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended.
Apology is birthed in the womb of regret.
Regret for the pain caused, disappointment, inconvenience, and betrayal of trust. It focuses on what you did or failed to do and how it affected the other person. The offended often has pain and wants the offender to have pain too. They want evidence that the offender has deeply hurt them and are aware of the pain they caused.
Express regret through taking responsibility and saying I’m sorry. It can help to give an explanation of how the offender’s actions have hurt the offended. “If it’s really bad, I expect abject misery and wanted him to really be sad about the pain he caused me.” Example in question: when husband took a female out to lunch and his wife knew he had a fascination for her or he wouldn’t have done it and wife was right.
Sincerity in apology:
Look at body language and physical mannerisms. Soft voice. Bowed head. Eye contact.
When you scream, I said I’m sorry, but your eyes are glaring and your hands are shaking, it’s like you’re trying to make me forgive you. It seems to be more concerned about moving on and forgetting it and truly apologizing. It’s like my hurt doesn’t matter. Let’s just get on with life.
Specificity places to focus on our action and now it affected the other person. “I’m sorry for _____”
Example: late to see a movie with a friend
“ I know that you left your home on time, you start what you were doing. You made it down here during rush-hour traffic, you have to wait and be concerned about my well-being. I know that you like to see the entire picture, and for you, my Nicolette may have made you unable to enjoy the movie since you missed the beginning. I can imagine how upset I would’ve been if a friend done this to me. You have a right to be angry, disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. I want you to know that I am sincerely sorry for my irresponsibility.”
The details reveal the depth of your understanding of the situation and how much inconvenienced your friend.
No “but’s”. Sincere regret stands alone. No follow ups.
- Accepting responsibility:
We all make mistakes but the only mistake that destroys you is the one you’re unwilling to admit
Admit “I made a mistake. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”
- Making restitution:
Make a tangible effort to right the wrong.
Speak their love language when apologizing
1. Words of Aff: you’re so wonderful and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. Will you forgive me?
2. Acts of service: I sent out a follow up email clearing up my wrongdoing. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
3. Gifts: giving flowers alongside an alology
4. Quality time: give full attention. Can hold hands and make full eye contact
5. Touch: give a hug
Statements of restitution:
Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?
I don’t feel right just saying sorry. I wanna make up for what I’ve done. What would you consider appropriate?
I’ve broken this promise 1 million times. Would you like me to put my commitment to you and riding this time?
- Planned Change:
Convinces others that the apology is sincere
Answers, “are you going to take real steps toward change or will this happen again next week?”
What do you expect in an apology?
- willingness to change
- want to do things differently next time
- find ways to stop it from happening again
- a plan for improvement and to succeed
- not to do the same thing again
- an expression of intent to prevent a recurrence
- no excuses being made
Willingness to change. The fact that someone you love is deeply hurt by your actions and now there is an emotional barrier between the two of you should be enough to motivate change.
“The idea that we only need to change when we’re doing something morally wrong is erroneous”
Apologies need
1. change
2. a plan to prevent a recurrence of the problem
3. Implementing the plan
Apologies fail because there is either no plan for positive changes or the plan is not very specific.
After an affair:
-not only sorry for their actions but need a successful plan to make changes in their lifestyle. How is he going tk avoid temptation?
- Rebuild trust by telling partner location, opening smartphone and emails to partner
- it took this couple five years but their marriage is strong now
When we fail to admit our relapses it communicates to our partner that the original apology was not sincere.
Requesting forgiveness:
-indicates you want to see the relationship fully restored
- it shows that you realize you have done something wrong
- asking forgiveness is an admission of guilt
- it puts the computer of the relationship in the hands of the offended person
- fear of rejection: hard to ask for forgiveness because it opens the offender up for rejection if they aren’t forgiven
- fear of failure: usually those with a strong moral compass struggle with this. When these people do the right thing they feel successful. Admitting wrong is admitting they’re a failure in their eyes. They then argue vehemently with the other person that what they did is not wrong. They say it may have hurt you or it may have offended you. You took it in the wrong way; I didn’t mean it that way. Sometimes the manner in which they defend themselves is more offensive than the original offense.
- Making a mistake, saying or doing something that offends another person, is something all of us do. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure. In fact, it will help me bring healing to my relationship. Therefore, I can go against my fear, admit that I’m wrong, and ask forgiveness.
- Forgiveness says, “ I care about our relationship. Therefore, I just do accept your apology and no longer demand Justice.”
Mature people recognize their fears but refuse to be held captive by their fears. When they value a relationship, they are willing to go against their fears and take the steps necessary to bring healing to the relationship
Forgiveness is not a small thing:
It is costly to forgive. You must give up your desire for justice, relinquish hurt, anger, feelings of embarrassment or humiliation. You give up your feelings of rejection and betrayal and sometimes live with the consequences of the offender’s wrong behavior.
The person you hurt must live with all of this and much more and needs to process it in order to forgive you.
If the event is minor and your apologies in the primary apology, language of the person, then forgiveness may be extended quickly. But if it’s a major offense and officer repeated, it will take time for the party to process your apology, especially if their apology language is making amends or seeing genuine change. It takes time to observe whether you will follow through while making recitation or changing destructive behaviors. The person must be convinced of your sincerity, and that may well take time.
In the meantime, your greatest bird must be patience.
How do you say you’re sorry?:
- unintentionally wrongdoing: even if an offense is unintentional you can still apologize. Example: bumping into someone at work and spilling coffee on him. You’d apologize and help him clean his shirt if you could.
3 questions to determine apology language:
1. What do I expect the offender to do or say?
2. What hurts most deeply about this situation?
3. How do I apologies to others?
A day or two after apologizing ask the offended “ how sincere on a scale of one to 10 do you feel my apology was the other night? If the other person says anything less than 10 you ask, how can I bring it up to a ten?
Why don’t people apologize?
- they don’t value the relationship
- they feel justified in their behavior; the other person is at fault. For example, a professional athlete involved in a fist fight at a bar said “I’m not going to apologize. He shouldn’t have made those comments.” This philosophy seems to be you do me wrong and you’ll pay for it. Don’t ask me for an apology. You deserved what you got, and don’t ever do it again or it will be worse. Obviously, his emphasis was not on building relationships, but on exact revenge. Such an attitude does not remove barriers, it creates them. It’s tit for tat. It directly contrast the advice of the Bible, which says, “do not repay anyone evil for evil… if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, for it is written “it is mine to revenge, I will repay” says the Lord.
Often and insensitive conscious is coupled with low self-esteem. These people strive so desperately to be a person of Worth, and because they see apologizing as a sign of weakness, they too, will blame others for any relationship problems that emerge. People who suffer from slow self-esteem, blame shifting, and a strong version to apologizing almost always need counseling in order to deal with these deeply ingrained patterns of thought behavior and emotions. However, these people don’t know, apologizing enhances one’s self-esteem. People respect the man and the woman who are willing to take responsibility for their own failures. Receiving the respect and admiration of others enhance self-esteem. On the other hand, those who try to hide or excuse, wrongful behavior, will almost always lose their respect and affirmation of others the further compounding the problem of low self-esteem.
Couple struggling with pornography addiction:
Needs an adequate detailed apology for keeping the secret. The reason he hadn’t given details was because he thought the conversation would go badly. He was like a mouse that was cotton trap. He didn’t wanna jam himself in further by talking about his misdeeds. Ironically glossing over the pain caused was only going to prolong everyone’s suffering.
The concept of balancing the scales: when your partner learned of your addiction to pornography, it was as if the scales that kept your marriage, imbalance flew off kilter. Her side of the scales plunged to the ground. She felt very low, sad, lonely, angry, and afraid of ever trusting you again. Your general apology was unable to bring your marriage back into balance. She continued to feel hurt and scared. If you leave her on the low side of the scale, she’s likely to unload the weights that are keeping her down by casting bars at you. You can do a great service to her and your marriage by having the detailed conversation that you fear might go badly. Often, people who will give details find just the opposite: as I unload the weights of Hurt and validate their spouses, they receive gratitude in return. Your partner might loosen her hold on the anger that she’s been offloading onto you.
“Real men don’t cry” But they do! Only plastic men don’t cry. Real man apologize and cry and have emotions. They even say I’m sorry when they realize I’ve heard someone they love.
It’s helpful to admit that your words are often not loving or kind when you’re mad
“ I was wrong. I should not have done that.” Practices, “ I am not perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes. I sometimes say do things that are painful to others. Accepting responsibility is important. Repeat in the mirror I was wrong. I should not have done that.
Why can’t I just demonstrate the change rather than talk about it? I don’t wanna promise that I’ll change, because I might fail. The problem of not verbalizing your intention is that the other person cannot read your mind. We want the other person to know that we recognize that we have offended them, we value our relationship, and we would like to be forgiven.
I’ve never met a more insensitive man. But he’s quite to apologize. I just wish he could stop doing things. He has to apologize for.
Many people are conflict verse. They want to get an issue settled quickly so that they can get things back to normal. They’re willing to accept responsibility and apologize even if they do not sense that they are at Lauren simply to get the issue settled. They don’t like the emotional discover that comes from long discussions about the issue. They’d rather apologize except responsibility and hope they can move on. They want to end the fight and wake up with a clean conscience. They think I don’t always have to win, and I don’t like confrontation. I will apologize even if it is not my fault because I wanna move on. I don’t wanna waste time arguing. I guess I’m a lover, not a fighter.
These people desire peace at any price. They’d rather admit wrong if the arguments and complex will cease. Emotional calm is more important than being right. This often simmers as inner resentment rather than an admirable trait. On the surface, things seem to be relatively calm, but underneath an emotional explosion is in the making.
LEARNING TO FORGIVE:
Apologies significantly make it easier to forgive.
Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust overtime.
- Express regret:
When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended.
Apology is birthed in the womb of regret.
Regret for the pain caused, disappointment, inconvenience, and betrayal of trust. It focuses on what you did or failed to do and how it affected the other person. The offended often has pain and wants the offender to have pain too. They want evidence that the offender has deeply hurt them and are aware of the pain they caused.
Express regret through taking responsibility and saying I’m sorry. It can help to give an explanation of how the offender’s actions have hurt the offended. “If it’s really bad, I expect abject misery and wanted him to really be sad about the pain he caused me.” Example in question: when husband took a female out to lunch and his wife knew he had a fascination for her or he wouldn’t have done it and wife was right.
Sincerity in apology:
Look at body language and physical mannerisms. Soft voice. Bowed head. Eye contact.
When you scream, I said I’m sorry, but your eyes are glaring and your hands are shaking, it’s like you’re trying to make me forgive you. It seems to be more concerned about moving on and forgetting it and truly apologizing. It’s like my hurt doesn’t matter. Let’s just get on with life.
Specificity places to focus on our action and now it affected the other person. “I’m sorry for _____”
Example: late to see a movie with a friend
“ I know that you left your home on time, you start what you were doing. You made it down here during rush-hour traffic, you have to wait and be concerned about my well-being. I know that you like to see the entire picture, and for you, my Nicolette may have made you unable to enjoy the movie since you missed the beginning. I can imagine how upset I would’ve been if a friend done this to me. You have a right to be angry, disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. I want you to know that I am sincerely sorry for my irresponsibility.”
The details reveal the depth of your understanding of the situation and how much inconvenienced your friend.
No “but’s”. Sincere regret stands alone. No follow ups.
- Accepting responsibility:
We all make mistakes but the only mistake that destroys you is the one you’re unwilling to admit
Admit “I made a mistake. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”
- Making restitution:
Make a tangible effort to right the wrong.
Speak their love language when apologizing
1. Words of Aff: you’re so wonderful and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. Will you forgive me?
2. Acts of service: I sent out a follow up email clearing up my wrongdoing. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
3. Gifts: giving flowers alongside an alology
4. Quality time: give full attention. Can hold hands and make full eye contact
5. Touch: give a hug
Statements of restitution:
Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?
I don’t feel right just saying sorry. I wanna make up for what I’ve done. What would you consider appropriate?
I’ve broken this promise 1 million times. Would you like me to put my commitment to you and riding this time?
- Planned Change:
Convinces others that the apology is sincere
Answers, “are you going to take real steps toward change or will this happen again next week?”
What do you expect in an apology?
- willingness to change
- want to do things differently next time
- find ways to stop it from happening again
- a plan for improvement and to succeed
- not to do the same thing again
- an expression of intent to prevent a recurrence
- no excuses being made
Willingness to change. The fact that someone you love is deeply hurt by your actions and now there is an emotional barrier between the two of you should be enough to motivate change.
“The idea that we only need to change when we’re doing something morally wrong is erroneous”
Apologies need
1. change
2. a plan to prevent a recurrence of the problem
3. Implementing the plan
Apologies fail because there is either no plan for positive changes or the plan is not very specific.
After an affair:
-not only sorry for their actions but need a successful plan to make changes in their lifestyle. How is he going tk avoid temptation?
- Rebuild trust by telling partner location, opening smartphone and emails to partner
- it took this couple five years but their marriage is strong now
When we fail to admit our relapses it communicates to our partner that the original apology was not sincere.
Requesting forgiveness:
-indicates you want to see the relationship fully restored
- it shows that you realize you have done something wrong
- asking forgiveness is an admission of guilt
- it puts the computer of the relationship in the hands of the offended person
- fear of rejection: hard to ask for forgiveness because it opens the offender up for rejection if they aren’t forgiven
- fear of failure: usually those with a strong moral compass struggle with this. When these people do the right thing they feel successful. Admitting wrong is admitting they’re a failure in their eyes. They then argue vehemently with the other person that what they did is not wrong. They say it may have hurt you or it may have offended you. You took it in the wrong way; I didn’t mean it that way. Sometimes the manner in which they defend themselves is more offensive than the original offense.
- Making a mistake, saying or doing something that offends another person, is something all of us do. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure. In fact, it will help me bring healing to my relationship. Therefore, I can go against my fear, admit that I’m wrong, and ask forgiveness.
- Forgiveness says, “ I care about our relationship. Therefore, I just do accept your apology and no longer demand Justice.”
Mature people recognize their fears but refuse to be held captive by their fears. When they value a relationship, they are willing to go against their fears and take the steps necessary to bring healing to the relationship
Forgiveness is not a small thing:
It is costly to forgive. You must give up your desire for justice, relinquish hurt, anger, feelings of embarrassment or humiliation. You give up your feelings of rejection and betrayal and sometimes live with the consequences of the offender’s wrong behavior.
The person you hurt must live with all of this and much more and needs to process it in order to forgive you.
If the event is minor and your apologies in the primary apology, language of the person, then forgiveness may be extended quickly. But if it’s a major offense and officer repeated, it will take time for the party to process your apology, especially if their apology language is making amends or seeing genuine change. It takes time to observe whether you will follow through while making recitation or changing destructive behaviors. The person must be convinced of your sincerity, and that may well take time.
In the meantime, your greatest bird must be patience.
How do you say you’re sorry?:
- unintentionally wrongdoing: even if an offense is unintentional you can still apologize. Example: bumping into someone at work and spilling coffee on him. You’d apologize and help him clean his shirt if you could.
3 questions to determine apology language:
1. What do I expect the offender to do or say?
2. What hurts most deeply about this situation?
3. How do I apologies to others?
A day or two after apologizing ask the offended “ how sincere on a scale of one to 10 do you feel my apology was the other night? If the other person says anything less than 10 you ask, how can I bring it up to a ten?
Why don’t people apologize?
- they don’t value the relationship
- they feel justified in their behavior; the other person is at fault. For example, a professional athlete involved in a fist fight at a bar said “I’m not going to apologize. He shouldn’t have made those comments.” This philosophy seems to be you do me wrong and you’ll pay for it. Don’t ask me for an apology. You deserved what you got, and don’t ever do it again or it will be worse. Obviously, his emphasis was not on building relationships, but on exact revenge. Such an attitude does not remove barriers, it creates them. It’s tit for tat. It directly contrast the advice of the Bible, which says, “do not repay anyone evil for evil… if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, for it is written “it is mine to revenge, I will repay” says the Lord.
Often and insensitive conscious is coupled with low self-esteem. These people strive so desperately to be a person of Worth, and because they see apologizing as a sign of weakness, they too, will blame others for any relationship problems that emerge. People who suffer from slow self-esteem, blame shifting, and a strong version to apologizing almost always need counseling in order to deal with these deeply ingrained patterns of thought behavior and emotions. However, these people don’t know, apologizing enhances one’s self-esteem. People respect the man and the woman who are willing to take responsibility for their own failures. Receiving the respect and admiration of others enhance self-esteem. On the other hand, those who try to hide or excuse, wrongful behavior, will almost always lose their respect and affirmation of others the further compounding the problem of low self-esteem.
Couple struggling with pornography addiction:
Needs an adequate detailed apology for keeping the secret. The reason he hadn’t given details was because he thought the conversation would go badly. He was like a mouse that was cotton trap. He didn’t wanna jam himself in further by talking about his misdeeds. Ironically glossing over the pain caused was only going to prolong everyone’s suffering.
The concept of balancing the scales: when your partner learned of your addiction to pornography, it was as if the scales that kept your marriage, imbalance flew off kilter. Her side of the scales plunged to the ground. She felt very low, sad, lonely, angry, and afraid of ever trusting you again. Your general apology was unable to bring your marriage back into balance. She continued to feel hurt and scared. If you leave her on the low side of the scale, she’s likely to unload the weights that are keeping her down by casting bars at you. You can do a great service to her and your marriage by having the detailed conversation that you fear might go badly. Often, people who will give details find just the opposite: as I unload the weights of Hurt and validate their spouses, they receive gratitude in return. Your partner might loosen her hold on the anger that she’s been offloading onto you.
“Real men don’t cry” But they do! Only plastic men don’t cry. Real man apologize and cry and have emotions. They even say I’m sorry when they realize I’ve heard someone they love.
It’s helpful to admit that your words are often not loving or kind when you’re mad
“ I was wrong. I should not have done that.” Practices, “ I am not perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes. I sometimes say do things that are painful to others. Accepting responsibility is important. Repeat in the mirror I was wrong. I should not have done that.
Why can’t I just demonstrate the change rather than talk about it? I don’t wanna promise that I’ll change, because I might fail. The problem of not verbalizing your intention is that the other person cannot read your mind. We want the other person to know that we recognize that we have offended them, we value our relationship, and we would like to be forgiven.
I’ve never met a more insensitive man. But he’s quite to apologize. I just wish he could stop doing things. He has to apologize for.
Many people are conflict verse. They want to get an issue settled quickly so that they can get things back to normal. They’re willing to accept responsibility and apologize even if they do not sense that they are at Lauren simply to get the issue settled. They don’t like the emotional discover that comes from long discussions about the issue. They’d rather apologize except responsibility and hope they can move on. They want to end the fight and wake up with a clean conscience. They think I don’t always have to win, and I don’t like confrontation. I will apologize even if it is not my fault because I wanna move on. I don’t wanna waste time arguing. I guess I’m a lover, not a fighter.
These people desire peace at any price. They’d rather admit wrong if the arguments and complex will cease. Emotional calm is more important than being right. This often simmers as inner resentment rather than an admirable trait. On the surface, things seem to be relatively calm, but underneath an emotional explosion is in the making.
LEARNING TO FORGIVE:
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 25, 2022
This is a Pragmatic book on HOW to Make Good and Earnest Apologies
Sincere apologies are difficult because we are likely to feel guilt and shame about the offense. Perfectionism can make even admitting a mistake excruciating. Denial may be an unconscious, self-protective habit. We are at least partly hardwired to remain unaware of our wrongdoings, and are not great for noticing how we affect the other person in our relationships. We can, however, choose to become more conscious of mental habits, like denial, impatience, and perfectionism. We must learn to muster up the courage, set aside our ego, and admit we were wrong.
Psychologists, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas posit that we create harmony by adapting to the preferred communication style of our loved ones. When we speak someone’s apology language—by expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planning change, or requesting forgiveness—they are more apt to feel sincerely acknowledged. When in doubt, we can offer an apology that draws on all the languages. Here are a few good examples from the book of ways to apologize:
“I really regret XXX. I’m sorry I caused so much pain, and I understand it will take time for you to trust me again. I hope we can get there.”
“I take full responsibility for XXX. I was wrong.”
“I am so sorry, and I would like to offer XXX to make it right.”
“I’m so sorry for what I did. It was wrong. Would you consider forgiving me?”
“When I did XXX, it was wrong, and I am truly sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You don’t have to answer right away.”
Also, Psychologist Molly Howes, PhD, author of A Good Apology: Four Steps to Make Things Right, describes earnest apologies as both seemingly “too hard to do, and too important not to do.”
Sincere apologies are difficult because we are likely to feel guilt and shame about the offense. Perfectionism can make even admitting a mistake excruciating. Denial may be an unconscious, self-protective habit. We are at least partly hardwired to remain unaware of our wrongdoings, and are not great for noticing how we affect the other person in our relationships. We can, however, choose to become more conscious of mental habits, like denial, impatience, and perfectionism. We must learn to muster up the courage, set aside our ego, and admit we were wrong.
Psychologists, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas posit that we create harmony by adapting to the preferred communication style of our loved ones. When we speak someone’s apology language—by expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planning change, or requesting forgiveness—they are more apt to feel sincerely acknowledged. When in doubt, we can offer an apology that draws on all the languages. Here are a few good examples from the book of ways to apologize:
“I really regret XXX. I’m sorry I caused so much pain, and I understand it will take time for you to trust me again. I hope we can get there.”
“I take full responsibility for XXX. I was wrong.”
“I am so sorry, and I would like to offer XXX to make it right.”
“I’m so sorry for what I did. It was wrong. Would you consider forgiving me?”
“When I did XXX, it was wrong, and I am truly sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You don’t have to answer right away.”
Also, Psychologist Molly Howes, PhD, author of A Good Apology: Four Steps to Make Things Right, describes earnest apologies as both seemingly “too hard to do, and too important not to do.”
January 16, 2022
A 2022 Favorite!
The 5 Apology Languages may be one of my favorite books in the Language Series. Apologies are so important. The lack of them often leads to strains on a relationship, and who wants that?
For some people, apologizing is very difficult…or they do it in the wrong way. And when I say in the wrong way, I mean in the wrong language. We all give and receive apologies differently, so it’s empowering to learn how the people in my life wish to receive apologies.
EXPRESSING REGRET
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
MAKING RESTITUTION
PLANNED CHANGE
REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
I really enjoyed learning the different languages and learning my own. Once I read through each chapter, I filled out The Apology Language Profile section in the back and discovered that my apology language is OVERWHELMINGLY, Expressing Regret. There are 20 scenarios presented, and you are to choose which apology would feel the best. 15 of my answers showed expressing regret as my primary apology language, with the rest falling in the accepting responsibility category.
My profile results are eye-opening because I’ve never really thought about what I expect from an apology. I’m also prompted to discover what works best for the important people in my life!
Disclosure: #CoverLoverBookReview received a complimentary copy of this book.
#The5ApologyLanguages
#MPNews
The 5 Apology Languages may be one of my favorite books in the Language Series. Apologies are so important. The lack of them often leads to strains on a relationship, and who wants that?
For some people, apologizing is very difficult…or they do it in the wrong way. And when I say in the wrong way, I mean in the wrong language. We all give and receive apologies differently, so it’s empowering to learn how the people in my life wish to receive apologies.
EXPRESSING REGRET
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
MAKING RESTITUTION
PLANNED CHANGE
REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
I really enjoyed learning the different languages and learning my own. Once I read through each chapter, I filled out The Apology Language Profile section in the back and discovered that my apology language is OVERWHELMINGLY, Expressing Regret. There are 20 scenarios presented, and you are to choose which apology would feel the best. 15 of my answers showed expressing regret as my primary apology language, with the rest falling in the accepting responsibility category.
My profile results are eye-opening because I’ve never really thought about what I expect from an apology. I’m also prompted to discover what works best for the important people in my life!
Disclosure: #CoverLoverBookReview received a complimentary copy of this book.
#The5ApologyLanguages
#MPNews
June 21, 2026
The entire concept encompassed in the title sounds so cool. And so I really wanted to like this book. I just ... didn't. I found the actual writing extremely annoying. Especially when the authors would switch back and forth, then tell a personal story, and had to bring the reader up to speed on who was "talking." Many of the stories themselves were just irritating as well.
And, really, the book was more about HOW to make an apology. The actual section on love languages only encompassed about eight pages in the middle of chapter four.
Also, the frequent references to god and religion were very off-putting for me. I'd anticipated a self-help book, not a sunday school lesson.
And, really, the book was more about HOW to make an apology. The actual section on love languages only encompassed about eight pages in the middle of chapter four.
Also, the frequent references to god and religion were very off-putting for me. I'd anticipated a self-help book, not a sunday school lesson.
April 24, 2023
It took me a while to get into this book and embrace the messages contained within. I read this as part of a self help book club, so we entered an indepth conversation at the end of reading this book. But I have to say overall I didnt really love it. I didnt really resonate with some of the content, primarily the emphasis on what I felt was over apologising. Perhaps it was just me and it might be my apology love language. There were some hints and tips that found useful but overall I struggled to finish the book. The primary concepts are well founded and great principles to follow.
December 13, 2022
Very interesting book, I liked some of the examples, but as you are reading there is suddenly a reference to god or the bible! I was reading for the concepts not for a Christian lesson. Focus on the outcomes and lessons remove the religious stuff and this would be a much better book... Also half as long. And in particular the last 3rd was bad.
I like the 5 ideas of an apology though, will use those lessons
I like the 5 ideas of an apology though, will use those lessons
September 27, 2022
Gary Chapman with his co-author writes in a clear and concise way about apologies. Using his Five love languages, he translates which love language reacts best to which apology language. This is excellent, and easy to read. If you liked his first (and extremely popular, even to this day) book "The Five Love Languages" this is for you.
November 1, 2023
I wasn't expecting religion to be tied into this book so much, and I found that really unnecessary and disappointing.
March 15, 2022
Very eye-opening
September 9, 2022
great read!
I gave 4 stars because I am non religious and the majority of the ending of the book references organized religion a lot.
I gave 4 stars because I am non religious and the majority of the ending of the book references organized religion a lot.
January 17, 2026
This should be titled 5 Types of Apologies. So much of the differences between what he calls apology languages are actually more suited for different situations or levels of offence. For example, bumping into someone does not require as much of or the same type of apology as cheating on someone.
The book is overly long due to the many stories he tells that are meant to make his point but often aren't actually about apologies at all. There are more important issues at stake such as learning basic communication skills, being responsible for your own emotions, and being honest with yourself and the people around you.
There is also a major misunderstanding of what forgiveness means. It is clear throughout the book that Chapman does not understand what forgiveness truly is as he often equates it with reconciliation as well as often putting it as something that requires something from the other person. It is possible to forgive someone and yet never try to repair or reconcile that relationship. Also, an apology will not automatically fix a relationship that both parties do want to repair.
Much of the data used to support various claims throughout the book were outdated or straight-up incorrect. (such as the claim that young children follow what you say, whereas older children will follow what you do. Anyone who as spent time around children will know that all children (especially young ones) will mimic and follow actions/what you modal more than they will follow what you say.)
If this book were a little pamphlet simply going over 5 types or aspects of apology, I would find it interesting. As a book, it quickly became annoying to read.
The book is overly long due to the many stories he tells that are meant to make his point but often aren't actually about apologies at all. There are more important issues at stake such as learning basic communication skills, being responsible for your own emotions, and being honest with yourself and the people around you.
There is also a major misunderstanding of what forgiveness means. It is clear throughout the book that Chapman does not understand what forgiveness truly is as he often equates it with reconciliation as well as often putting it as something that requires something from the other person. It is possible to forgive someone and yet never try to repair or reconcile that relationship. Also, an apology will not automatically fix a relationship that both parties do want to repair.
Much of the data used to support various claims throughout the book were outdated or straight-up incorrect. (such as the claim that young children follow what you say, whereas older children will follow what you do. Anyone who as spent time around children will know that all children (especially young ones) will mimic and follow actions/what you modal more than they will follow what you say.)
If this book were a little pamphlet simply going over 5 types or aspects of apology, I would find it interesting. As a book, it quickly became annoying to read.
March 23, 2026
Very informative quick read. This book was so timely in my own life. From the Sabbath School lesson I was studying to a personal issue I was grappling with, it was just right on time. I never really thought about what’s important in an apology for it to feel like someone sincerely was apologetic to me. I do know I can spot when one feels empty or insincere. This book goes into various aspects or versions of apologies that people need to feel like they’ve either truly apologized themselves or should grand forgiveness to someone else.
Personally, I believe I don’t hold people accountable enough. Possibly letting them off the hook way before they’ve ever repented of anything…depending on the situation. However, if I feel the “wrong” strikes a cord of ultimate betrayal of any sort, I listen to lip service, if it even comes, but the relationship is never the same. In fact, I’m pretty much done with you. Apology or not.
I value a sincere apology with outright admission of wrong and a promise or commitment to refrain from the offending behavior. I must admit though…repeated wrong behavior wears thin quickly for me.
Ok clearly I’m still processing these thoughts. Loved the book and I may read it again.
Personally, I believe I don’t hold people accountable enough. Possibly letting them off the hook way before they’ve ever repented of anything…depending on the situation. However, if I feel the “wrong” strikes a cord of ultimate betrayal of any sort, I listen to lip service, if it even comes, but the relationship is never the same. In fact, I’m pretty much done with you. Apology or not.
I value a sincere apology with outright admission of wrong and a promise or commitment to refrain from the offending behavior. I must admit though…repeated wrong behavior wears thin quickly for me.
Ok clearly I’m still processing these thoughts. Loved the book and I may read it again.
May 27, 2024
This book was helpful in some ways, but ultimately pretty simplistic and frankly, unrealistic. The numerous example scenarios seemed very contrived, each apology delivered and accepted with maturity and grace. If the scenarios had been framed as aspirational rather than real-life accounts, I would have been more receptive to them, but many of these rang untrue, in particular a daughter who apoligizes to her sexually abusive father for distancing herself from both parents out of hurt and anger. I found this example problematic for many reasons.
The book also comes from a Christian perspective, so the practial advice to "take painful memories to God" are unhelpful to those with a different understanding of theology. If you don't believe that you were born with orignal sin and that Jesus died so that this sin may be forgiven, the perspective and advice offered may be difficult to access and implement.
That said, I did find the descriptions of the five "apology languages" helpful in starting conversations and helping me think through what forgiveness is and is not. I would have appreciated a more nuanced and complex exploration of forgiveness.
The book also comes from a Christian perspective, so the practial advice to "take painful memories to God" are unhelpful to those with a different understanding of theology. If you don't believe that you were born with orignal sin and that Jesus died so that this sin may be forgiven, the perspective and advice offered may be difficult to access and implement.
That said, I did find the descriptions of the five "apology languages" helpful in starting conversations and helping me think through what forgiveness is and is not. I would have appreciated a more nuanced and complex exploration of forgiveness.
February 22, 2023
Interesting perspective- and in some ways very helpful. Learning that I do have a need to hear a specific type of thing for an apology to feel real for me means that I can tell those I love what that is. It also means that I can work to learn what works for others (or be sure my apologies hir all the elements now that I know what they are). However, I found the intermittent stress on Christianity and God’s requirements in relation to apologies between people to be both unnecessary and off putting. Regardless of how things work with the Christian God, or the faith, the information here is useful to everyone - Jews, Islamics, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, etc. This book helps us rebuild rounded relationships by giving apologies that meet the needs of the specific person - regardless of Christian rules or faith. Luckily, I have learned to get past such blocks - but I know several people who might both enjoy and benefit from the book over all who would put it down and never return when they got to the religious insertions.
March 10, 2024
You've heard of the 5 Love Languages? The five ways in which people tend to give and receive love and affection? Now meet the 5 apology languages. Because guess what, we don't all apologise, or receive apologies, in the same way.
So if you've ever said sorry to someone but they haven't accepted your apology, it's possible they speak a different language to you. This book shows the five different forms that apologies take - and how to identify your language. Perhaps even more importantly, it will help you identify the apologies of friends and family, allowing you to better communicate your regret in future.
The big question - does it work? For me, the jury is still out. Although I am experimenting with other ways to demonstrate my regret to others. So we'll have to wait and see whether this book really does change my life.
So if you've ever said sorry to someone but they haven't accepted your apology, it's possible they speak a different language to you. This book shows the five different forms that apologies take - and how to identify your language. Perhaps even more importantly, it will help you identify the apologies of friends and family, allowing you to better communicate your regret in future.
The big question - does it work? For me, the jury is still out. Although I am experimenting with other ways to demonstrate my regret to others. So we'll have to wait and see whether this book really does change my life.
February 24, 2026
I knew what I was getting into with this, so I’m not going to take off points for it having a clearly religious slant. I do feel like there’s value even without that.
The idea of apology languages are interesting, but I don’t think they were fleshed out enough for my liking. And maybe this is my personal confusion, but I don’t really understand the difference between expressing regret and accepting accountability. The author seems to use them near interchangeably. The personal accounts and story recollections are alright, and we’re short enough that I wasn’t too much of a downside but I also don’t think they offered too much.
But it’s a short and quick read.
The idea of apology languages are interesting, but I don’t think they were fleshed out enough for my liking. And maybe this is my personal confusion, but I don’t really understand the difference between expressing regret and accepting accountability. The author seems to use them near interchangeably. The personal accounts and story recollections are alright, and we’re short enough that I wasn’t too much of a downside but I also don’t think they offered too much.
But it’s a short and quick read.
September 10, 2023
A lot of the negative reviews are complaining about the references to God and verses from the Bible. These authors are Christian, so they are going to use what the Bible teaches and what is biblical.
There wasn't necessarily anything mind-blowing in the book itself IMO, but it was overall a lot of good reminders and new information on how people receive apologies. They referenced a study that stated 75% of couples have different apology languages, so all that to say, this book does have useful information and is effective for reconciliation when actually applied.
There wasn't necessarily anything mind-blowing in the book itself IMO, but it was overall a lot of good reminders and new information on how people receive apologies. They referenced a study that stated 75% of couples have different apology languages, so all that to say, this book does have useful information and is effective for reconciliation when actually applied.
April 13, 2025
Takeaways:
Forgiveness is a decision. Trust is an emotion
Trust is that emotional sense that I can relax with you and you don’t have to be suspicious. I can let down my emotional guard because you will now knowingly hurt me.
Key ideas of forgiveness are “to cover; to take away; to pardon; and to be gracious to”
Forgiveness means that you will not seek revenge, that you will not demand justice, that you will not let the offense stand between the two of you.
My primary apology language is making restitution.
Forgiveness is a decision. Trust is an emotion
Trust is that emotional sense that I can relax with you and you don’t have to be suspicious. I can let down my emotional guard because you will now knowingly hurt me.
Key ideas of forgiveness are “to cover; to take away; to pardon; and to be gracious to”
Forgiveness means that you will not seek revenge, that you will not demand justice, that you will not let the offense stand between the two of you.
My primary apology language is making restitution.
July 3, 2025
I was ok with the book up until chapter 9 where they discuss a woman forgiving her husband for hitting her and breaking her jaw. They then go on to discuss a woman estranged from her family who was sexually abused by her father. The daughter apologizes first and I just feel like that’s not ok. It feels as though they are treating sexual abuse very lightly and that is very disturbing to me. I got to 80% and just couldn’t finish because of that. Physical abuse and sexual abuse are not light offenses and shouldn’t be treated as such. It really took away from the decent parts of the book.
August 18, 2025
Everyone needs to read this book who wants healthy and whole relationships. It’s helped me to better understand and apply the art of apologies. I’ve struggled with not being able to forgive others in my life and I’ve since come to realize I can’t forgive someone who never asked for it and now I have the responsibility to go to them. This encouraged me to have the hard conversation of going to another with my offense.
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