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The Courage to Raise Good Men
How do we raise our boys to be men? And what do they lose in the process? Can a boy be contaminated by his mother's "femininity"? Has she failed if he isn't macho? Will he be a sissy if she doesn't let go? In The Courage to Raise Good Men, Olga Silverstein, a family therapist, and Beth Rashbaum issue a challenge to the cultural conventions governing mothers and sons. This provocative book shows how all aspects of the culture we live in, from myths to movies, Sigmund Freud to Robert Bly, work together to persuade us that only a father can make a boy a man. Even as we review our roles today, we perpetuate this gender split - boys must achieve, girls must relate - leaving men with mixed messages and mothers guiltily afraid to communicate their love. Drawing on case histories from her clinical practice and her own life, Silverstein shows that results are "lost boys, lonely men, lousy marriages, midlife crises," and sons who need wilderness weekends to open their hearts. Silverstein questions the need for traditional male role models. And she calls for mothers and fathers alike to refuse to sanction the emotional shutdown we traditionally demand of boys, thus enabling their sons to grow up to be not only strong men but whole people. Lively and iconoclastic, The Courage to Raise Good Men delivers an empowering message to mothers. Providing an essential blueprint for changing the way we think about male and female roles, Silverstein and Rashbaum suggest that transforming the mother-son relationship is the key to ending the division - and the war - between the sexes. Like Susan Faludi's Backlash, Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand, and Gloria Steinem's Revolution from Within, this book will be a milestone in the gender debate.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published April 1, 1994
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
October 8, 2018
Ah! The cliches one has to go through when dealing with gender issues! Women are supposed to be only soft, nurturing, loving, caring and all about relationships; whereas men, on the contrary, must be tough, strong, aggressive or at least assertive, and fiercely independent. No overlapping! As if emotional balance was only a specifically feminine trait, and strength only a specifically masculine one! Bullshit, right? Or is it?
Well, when it comes to men... Self-harm and suicide remains higher among men than among women. Substances abuses and reckless behaviours are higher among men than among women. Crime rate is higher among men than among women. And, to top it all, among some men exists a toxic view of masculinity nurturing a disrespectful if not dangerous attitude towards women (from disgusting locker rooms talks to sexual harassment and rapes -just check the medias these days!) that make for a shocking questioning: what the hell is wrong with the way we go about manhood in our societies?
For Olga Silverstein, an influential family therapist, the answer is blunt yet simple: it's mostly down to how men are being raised. And, since mothers have been doing most of the parenting (let's be honest!) she focuses here especially on mother-son relationships.
Now, one could easily accuse her of being a tat simplistic or self-centred (since she at times uses her relationship with her own son to illustrate some of her stances). Yet, she has a strong point; unfolding here different issues that all collide to make for a punchy argument.
The thing is, the problem goes beyond stupidly opposing feminity versus masculinity or, softness, dependence and sensitivity versus toughness, assertiveness and boldness (while, again, neither traits intrinsically belong to any gender). The problem is that, from such prejudices manhood tends to be defined as being everything but embracing characteristics deemed feminine that is, being in touch with one's emotions, caring, empathetic. And here's a double-edge sword. Indeed, as such traits are 'manly' looked upon with contempt, on the one hand being a man and displaying them is nothing short of being 'a sissy', 'a wimp' (or any other eloquent defining term) and, on the other hand, because women embody them they are, in turn, looked upon and treated with contempt. The worst and saddest thing? Women themselves, more often than not, buy into this pattern and so raise their sons in a way that perpetuate this vicious bipolarity.
Indeed, which mother wants 'a sissy' or 'a wimp' for son? Then here we are! By keeping them at a distance emotionally and physically to teach them to be tough (e.g. big boys don't cry) many abide to a poor teaching of handling and dealing with emotions that, not only damages boys' outgrowth but, will also negatively affect the kind of men they will become (see the issues named above).
I absolutely love this book for its core message nailed through and through: not only women CAN be strong enough to inspire toughness and ambition in their sons (to say only men can take boys into manhood is utter bullshit) but, also, if emotional balance is so far one of their core asset, then a feminizing influence on boys will NOT turn them into 'sissies' but, on the contrary, keep them at bay from the toxic masculinity that has been causing way too much damages so far -both on men and women.
Hallelujah! Here's at long last a rightly anti-Freudian read; rubbishing the idea that boys need to separate from their mother so as to find their individuality as men (you know, the cr@p according to which everything wrong stem from your relationship with mummy...)! Such debunking is more than welcome, it has been long awaited.
A punchy and relevant read.
Well, when it comes to men... Self-harm and suicide remains higher among men than among women. Substances abuses and reckless behaviours are higher among men than among women. Crime rate is higher among men than among women. And, to top it all, among some men exists a toxic view of masculinity nurturing a disrespectful if not dangerous attitude towards women (from disgusting locker rooms talks to sexual harassment and rapes -just check the medias these days!) that make for a shocking questioning: what the hell is wrong with the way we go about manhood in our societies?
For Olga Silverstein, an influential family therapist, the answer is blunt yet simple: it's mostly down to how men are being raised. And, since mothers have been doing most of the parenting (let's be honest!) she focuses here especially on mother-son relationships.
Now, one could easily accuse her of being a tat simplistic or self-centred (since she at times uses her relationship with her own son to illustrate some of her stances). Yet, she has a strong point; unfolding here different issues that all collide to make for a punchy argument.
The thing is, the problem goes beyond stupidly opposing feminity versus masculinity or, softness, dependence and sensitivity versus toughness, assertiveness and boldness (while, again, neither traits intrinsically belong to any gender). The problem is that, from such prejudices manhood tends to be defined as being everything but embracing characteristics deemed feminine that is, being in touch with one's emotions, caring, empathetic. And here's a double-edge sword. Indeed, as such traits are 'manly' looked upon with contempt, on the one hand being a man and displaying them is nothing short of being 'a sissy', 'a wimp' (or any other eloquent defining term) and, on the other hand, because women embody them they are, in turn, looked upon and treated with contempt. The worst and saddest thing? Women themselves, more often than not, buy into this pattern and so raise their sons in a way that perpetuate this vicious bipolarity.
Indeed, which mother wants 'a sissy' or 'a wimp' for son? Then here we are! By keeping them at a distance emotionally and physically to teach them to be tough (e.g. big boys don't cry) many abide to a poor teaching of handling and dealing with emotions that, not only damages boys' outgrowth but, will also negatively affect the kind of men they will become (see the issues named above).
I absolutely love this book for its core message nailed through and through: not only women CAN be strong enough to inspire toughness and ambition in their sons (to say only men can take boys into manhood is utter bullshit) but, also, if emotional balance is so far one of their core asset, then a feminizing influence on boys will NOT turn them into 'sissies' but, on the contrary, keep them at bay from the toxic masculinity that has been causing way too much damages so far -both on men and women.
Hallelujah! Here's at long last a rightly anti-Freudian read; rubbishing the idea that boys need to separate from their mother so as to find their individuality as men (you know, the cr@p according to which everything wrong stem from your relationship with mummy...)! Such debunking is more than welcome, it has been long awaited.
A punchy and relevant read.
May 6, 2017
As a mother of two boys, I was really excited by this Title. But unfortunately it left me very disappointed. I found many of the examples given really antiquated, and I struggled to relate. I had to remind myself this was written in 1995. but that wasn't that long ago??? I would like to think we are way past this.
June 17, 2019
Amazing book! Putting it on my list of books to read again.
April 13, 2021
This book was well written and had a lot of good points. But it was very outdated on what masculinity means to me and to our family. I do know some families were this would still be applicable though.
June 17, 2013
This book could have been a lot shorter and it is poorly written, but the ideas are interesting.
The parent-son relationship the author idealizes is egalitarian and non-controlling. This appealed to me.
This book also confirms my suspicion that we should be extremely wary about exposing children to fantasy fiction at young ages.
When it comes to books about men though, about raising boys, and about fathers and sons, I liked On Combat better. It's not a parenting book, but it's the most helpful book I have come across for understanding men and boys.
The parent-son relationship the author idealizes is egalitarian and non-controlling. This appealed to me.
This book also confirms my suspicion that we should be extremely wary about exposing children to fantasy fiction at young ages.
When it comes to books about men though, about raising boys, and about fathers and sons, I liked On Combat better. It's not a parenting book, but it's the most helpful book I have come across for understanding men and boys.
January 10, 2009
Great stuff. Probably obvious to some people, but opened my eyes.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews