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Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

Emerson Eggerichs

4.18 · Rating details · 43,560 ratings · 1,591 reviews

A New York Times best-selling marriage book with more than one million copies sold!

Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love & Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for yo ...more

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Hardcover, 336 pages

Published September 5th 2004 by Thomas Nelson (first published 2004)

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Feb 28, 2012 Ash McPerk rated it did not like it · review of another edition

I read this book as a part of a small group of friends. I tried to enter into the discussion with an open mind, but I have to be honest: this book is terrible. There's just no easy way to say this: the author is a chauvinist. The basic premise of the book is based on Ephesians 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It built a case up for why women should always respect their husbands, regardless of his actions, and thu ...more

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Jan 16, 2008 Amber rated it did not like it

Recommends it for: no one

I have to say that I did not enjoy reading this book at all and would not recommend it to anyone. First, it bothers me that he bases the vast majority of the books basis on a single verse. The description for this book says that Dr. Emerson has done extensive biblical research on his proposed idea of men needing respect and women needing love. However, I see very little that verifies this claim. Extensive biblical research would show Dr. Emerson’s thorough and careful exegesis of Ephesians 5:33, I have to say that I did not enjoy reading this book at all and would not recommend it to anyone. First, it bothers me that he bases the vast majority of the books basis on a single verse. The description for this book says that Dr. Emerson has done extensive biblical research on his proposed idea of men needing respect and women needing love. However, I see very little that verifies this claim. Extensive biblical research would show Dr. Emerson’s thorough and careful exegesis of Ephesians 5:33, which would include the historical background, the verses (and even chapters) surrounding the verse, the background and point of the book of Ephesians as a whole, who wrote the book, why it was written, and who it was written for, as well as a look at the greek that the original verse was written in. That would be extensive biblical research, what Dr. Emerson did in this book, I’m afraid, is not an example of this in the least.

Tying along with that thought, I can find no sources in the back of his book where Dr. Emerson credits the work of anyone else. Pretty much the entire book is comprised of his own research and inflated with lots of inserts that he has received from readers or people who attended his seminars. While that’s very nice and all, it hardly counts as a credible source that would support his findings. On page 14 he says this:

”The insight that I finally found in Scripture, and which I later confirmed from reading scientific research…” (emphasis added)

What scientific research is this?

Who knows, he never tells us!

I find it very hard to consider Dr. Emerson’s book from an academic standpoint when he only quotes his supporters and I can find nothing that any of his colleagues or others on the same standing as himself in the subject may say about his love and respect idea.

Despite numerous other reasons for my dislike of Dr. Emerson’s book, these two reasons are enough to completely discredit the book in my mind. Beyond these two reasons it is obvious as you read the book that the entire thing appears to be a huge infomercial for his seminars and DVDs, which is terrible. I continually get the impression that I am trying to be sold something.

All in all, the book is a great advertisement and appears to be very effective in promoting Love and Respect Ministries. However, I believe anyone looking to strengthen their marriage or prepare to go into one look to other, much more credible, books. I personally suggest His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. ...more

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Mar 31, 2013 Amy Lynn rated it did not like it

Love & Respect is one of the worst so-called biblical books on marriage that I have ever read which is not an over exaggeration. The writer's egregious exegesis should not be ignored. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs clearly hates women and uses twisted biblical concepts to degrade and humiliate women while promoting male superiority. At no time does he acknowledge that love is God's first priority. His video series is equally demeaning to women and glorifies the male ego to the exclusion of a woman's God- Love & Respect is one of the worst so-called biblical books on marriage that I have ever read which is not an over exaggeration. The writer's egregious exegesis should not be ignored. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs clearly hates women and uses twisted biblical concepts to degrade and humiliate women while promoting male superiority. At no time does he acknowledge that love is God's first priority. His video series is equally demeaning to women and glorifies the male ego to the exclusion of a woman's God-given needs. He is rude, caricature-ish, disrespectful, and abusive to women all while attempting to be funny. Eggerichs essentially blames women for the majority of all problems in marriage while giving a free pass to men on their sinful nature which is the result of the fall of man from a Christian's perspective.

I found this book to be misogynistic drivel based on gross misinterpretation of one scripture verse which is wholly unsupported by Christ's own example of male/female relationships in the Bible. Eggerichs carefully yet decidedly fails to support his androcentric arguments without once pointing to Christ Himself. The book has a thinly veiled bitter tone against women throughout; however, the DVD seminar punctuates clearly Eggerichs true motives in presenting such biblically unsupported material: to feed his ego and gain attention/admiration. Eggerichs is a classic narcissist.

One of the more glaring tools of manipulation that Eggerichs uses to shame women into showing respect for their husbands, without holding husbands accountable for selfishness, is the “he would die for you” mantra which, by the way, is wholly unsupported by scripture. The reality is that there are numerous examples in the Bible beginning with Adam that speak directly OPPOSITE to this assertion and he cleverly ignores these examples in favor of his own ear-tickling words. In my opinion, Eggerichs deliberating fails to recognize that Adam, in his pre-fallen state selfishly allowed Eve to make his decision for him in lieu of following the truth that he received first-hand from God Almighty, and then does not hesitate to throw Eve under the bus for his lack of leadership. Did Adam willingly choose to die for Eve as a result? No. He blamed her in order to save his own skin for his sinfulness and then when that didn't work, he blamed God.

Here’s another example that shows a lack of “he would die for you” mentality in the Bible by so-called Godly men. Have we forgotten Abraham who tried to save his own neck by portraying Sarah as only his sister and not also his wife to the Pharaoh of Egypt? Abraham was so fearful of losing his own life that he said to Sarah, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'this is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you." Not exactly supportive of Eggerichs demanding insistence that being respectful somehow makes a man want to die for his wife. Utter excrement! There are other meaningful examples as well such as King David but I need not belabor the point that Eggerichs has no Biblically supported clue regarding man's inherent and ungodly lack of desire to protect anyone but himself.

Eggerichs is extraordinarily prideful in the presentation of the material that he so obviously wants to be true regardless of Biblical evidence to the contrary. He's made a fortune on this false dichotomy, in fact. This book is remarkably redundant, poorly written, and strongly biased in its message. I remind you that respect is not something exclusive in terms of need to men or have we forgotten 1 Peter 3: 7 & 8? I would never recommend this book and/or video series to anyone seeking to seriously understand and improve their marriage in God's way. If I could give this book half a star, I would.

*For a greater understanding of my concerns regarding Eggerichs L&R, please follow the link below to review Mark Baker's academic study regarding the many flaws of this damaging teaching.

http://www.hopeforlifeonline.com/wp-c...
...more

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Jan 05, 2009 Pink rated it it was amazing

Recommends it for: any one who doesn't even know how to talk to their spouse anymore

Recommended to Pink by: my bestie, Kels

Shelves: discovering-who-i-am-inside-and-out

The best marriage book I've found so far. Based on the fact that women need love and men need respect. For years that concept turned me off of reading this book, until the wall was so great that I had nowhere else to turn to find out how to talk to my husband again. This book saved my marriage by teaching me how to talk to my hubby in a way that showed him what I was feeling in my heart in a way he understood.

By the way, I don't recommend taking this book from page 1 if you are in dire straights ...more

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Jul 31, 2013 Monica rated it did not like it

My boyfriend's parents bought us this book because they found it so helpful for their own marriage. My boyfriend and I read it together, but we only finished it because we told his parents we'd read it.

As a woman, I found I did not relate *at all* to most of what Eggerichs claims about women. Yes, I desire love, but I desire respect at least as much, possibly more so, and frankly I don't think the two ideas are as separate as this book suggests. Eggerichs fails to clearly define either "love" or My boyfriend's parents bought us this book because they found it so helpful for their own marriage. My boyfriend and I read it together, but we only finished it because we told his parents we'd read it.

As a woman, I found I did not relate *at all* to most of what Eggerichs claims about women. Yes, I desire love, but I desire respect at least as much, possibly more so, and frankly I don't think the two ideas are as separate as this book suggests. Eggerichs fails to clearly define either "love" or "respect" or what makes them different, and then muddles the two over and over (and over and over and over) with his many anecdotal stories. Being disrespectful *is* unloving. Those aren't separate things.

Eggerichs repeatedly asserts that when a woman is angry or upset or aggressive it's because she feels unloved--as if love is all women desire and the lack of it is all that can upset them. I reject that. Sometimes I get angry because my boyfriend hasn't thought ahead, or I feel I'm pulling more of the weight than he is, or he said he was going to do something and then didn't. I don't feel unloved--I know he loves me. I also know he makes mistakes sometimes, and I'm not so fragile and needy as to think that every single time he makes a mistake, maybe he doesn't really love me after all! That's ridiculous, and it's a pretty dim view of women to think we are all so insecure that every time we're upset, it's because we're not sure we're loved.

I particularly reject Eggerichs call to wives to be silently respectful so that their husbands will be interested in their thoughts and feelings. I think healthy relationships are founded on good communication, and silence is the opposite of that. Yes, of course, there are counterproductive and disrespectful ways to communicate, but it's not as if the options are (a) disrespect or (b) silence. If I disagree with my boyfriend, I will tell him so, and tell him why, and then we will talk about it. I won't yell at him, won't call him names or be sarcastic or derisive. I will just talk to him. That has worked wonderfully for us so far and I intend to continue to do so.

And, by the way, if my boyfriend disagrees with me he does the same. In the "Peacemaking" chapter, Eggerichs tells men to apologize "even if in your mind most of the guilt or blame is hers." I hate that advice. Am I so irrational and emotional that my boyfriend must pretend to think he's wrong and I'm right in order to resolve an issue? If he tells me he really thinks I'm wrong, will I just crumble and cry and feel unloved? Absolutely not. I am an intelligent, rational person and I am fine with arguing different perspectives until we come to an understanding. As long as both my boyfriend and I are seeking to resolve our issues, we can be honest about disagreements and work through them. I don't need--nor do I ever want--him to patronize me by pretending to think I'm right. I'm a big girl, I can handle him disagreeing with me.

Both my boyfriend and I felt a little horrified at some of the anecdotal examples Eggerichs provides. Perhaps it's because we've only been together four years (as opposed to decades), but we could not imagine being so disrespectful and having such poor communication skills as many of the husbands and wives Eggerichs describes. I don't belittle my boyfriend in front of other people, behind his back, or to his face. I don't belittle him, period, because I respect him. And he doesn't "stonewall" me when he's upset. He tells me why he disagrees and we figure it out together.

Perhaps if our relationship had devolved to the level of disrespect many of these couples describe, this book would have seemed insightful. Overall, though, we both found it filled with ridiculous oversimplifications, flawed gender stereotypes, and way, way too much repetition.

I will say, though, that "Love & Respect" has been good for our relationship. It has inspired a lot of conversations about how much we agree with each other in our disagreement with this book. It makes us grateful that we can communicate and that we respect each other as thinking adults. ...more

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Aug 27, 2011 Susan rated it did not like it · review of another edition

I believe this author has it wrong thinking women are more interested in "FEELING loved" than in BEING respected and treated like intellectual equals. So many women go out of their way to respect (and love) their men to the point of being doormats and yet still feel unloved and disrespected, and are then hit on the head with Bible passages to boot.

It would be beneficial if the author spent equal time showing men healthy ways to communicate what they need in order to feel respected (and loved). I ...more

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Sep 28, 2012 Elizabeth rated it it was amazing

Shelves: faith

I don’t know if everyone will view this book with the same ‘Aha’ I did or if it is just the timing in my life.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he sa I don’t know if everyone will view this book with the same ‘Aha’ I did or if it is just the timing in my life.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he said the wife being critical and negative often kicks it off…). He takes one verse in the Bible and writes a long book on it, this bothers some people, though he does refer to other scripture as it pertains; and if you don’t like personal stories, then this book will drive you crazy. The concepts of ‘blue/pink’ and crazy cycle are named rather cheesiely, but as still good concepts. I didn't read the middle section addressed to men on showing love so I can’t judge that yet. Some say that he says the women should take the start but the book clearly says whoever feels they are more mature should be the one to die to self and start off the positive cycle.
But back to women feeling blamed, really if you think about it, what is more liberating-saying things are bad and are mostly his fault so I’ll just wait and hope things get better and he will love me the way I want OR saying things are bad and they are part his fault and part mine (and the my part could be anywhere from 1% to 99%, as Bill Clinton says, “No one is right all the time and a broken clock is right two times a day.” though he was referring to politics not marriage, anyway), so let me take some principles and work on self improvement in showing respect and see what happens, which could 1-be complete restoration as my respect motivates his love or 2-somewhat improvement or 3-nothing changes except me realizing that I am obeying God’s word to unconditionally respect my husband?
Some good thoughts to remember:
We often think all are supposed to love unconditionally but people have to earn respect, this isn’t true, both should be given unconditionally in obedience to God.
Women don’t often stop to think of the ways we are behaving disrespectfully. We often think we have things together at home and scheduling, etc and order our husbands around but then lament that they then aren’t more leaders. We often think that we have things more together spiritually and lovingly try to change them to our image of what a Christian husband should be and make them feel judged and guilty. We often try to behave as their Holy Spirit instead of (this is biblical too, and until reading this book I don’t think I understood it) letting our quietness and respect change hearts. We try to change them and even when motivated by love, don’t realize that it comes across as disrespect. We often are tired and grouchy and negative around our husbands and save our best behavior for the world when really we need some self control and to go to God to vent. Often we give the impression (often unknowingly) that while we love our husbands we don’t really like them, which makes them feel contempt and can totally ruin a relationship. (and don’t worry in all these topics he gives lots of disclaimers about abuse, the need for honesty, etc)
He gives lots of great practically examples about words to use, keeping it light and how to remember that men and women see the world, their relationships and communication in different lights.
I could go on and I really should read it again but hopefully others will read this to improve an already good marriage. Of course this book isn’t the only word out there; there is much more to having a good marriage and much more in the Bible on the topic but for any couple who has been bombarded with the guy just needs to shape up message, or someone who wants a different look from the ‘just love more’ idea, this is a great book.
...more

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Sep 02, 2018 Jerry rated it it was amazing

Okay, so I'm a lifelong single guy. Still, most of my good friends are of the opposite gender, as are most of my extended family members-aunts, female cousins, etc.--who I talk to often. However, I've also had plenty of problems with the fairer sex, as well; most of the people who have unfriended me on Facebook have fallen into that category, and many of them were my coevals. So, my track record with the ladies has been kind of a mixed bag.

That's why the message of this book was important to me. ...more

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Jan 06, 2012 Laura rated it it was ok · review of another edition

Shelves: christian, marriage

I like the idea that women need love and men need respect. When I read this basic statement, a light bulb went off in my head because this is how my husband and I function as people in a relationship. However, I do not think that this concept applies to ALL relationships. Some men value love more than respect, and women value respect more than love. And they all value both. Futhermore, I feel like the point of this book was made within the first few chapters. After that, it just got very repetit ...more

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Feb 12, 2011 Dan rated it did not like it · review of another edition

Shelves: spirituality, partially-read, sexuality

Like many Christian books, the authors have a really insightful point, namely that women need love and men need respect. They make this point really well in about 10 pages. The rest of the book is a broken record containing this same point told over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and... well, you get the point. Some of the stories are humorous, and they definitely help make the point in the beginning. But after about 25 pages there is no new information, just a re ...more

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Mar 06, 2019 Douglas Wilson rated it really liked it

Shelves: marriage-and-family, theology

The diction and syntax are a bit evangelically, but the bones of this book are very good, and would be a great help to many couples I know.

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Aug 27, 2009 Melissa rated it did not like it

I have always viewed books on relationships to be a little off. They always tend to lean in one direction. But I wanted to give this one a fair shot and I went into it with a clear mind.

This book revolves around the idea that women need to show respect and men need to show love. And it stops there. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I know many women that deserve respect and many men that crave love. However this isn’t explored. It may have worked at some point, but men like women with a soft side ...more

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Jan 20, 2014 Sheila Gregoire rated it did not like it

From the get-go, this book sets up the wife as being the one who needs to change. Even in the subtitle--she has desires, but he has needs, desperate ones.

In the sex chapter, he describes sex as being about the man's "physical release" which, if she does not provide it, will prompt him to have affairs or lust after other women. Nowhere does he talk about how a woman may want sex, too, or about how men should ensure that their wives enjoy sex.

So much more to say, but here's a link to a very long ...more

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Jul 29, 2015 Esther rated it did not like it

If you want your marriage to hold the equality and values of the 1950s agenda of putting women back in their place, then this is the book for you.

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Mar 13, 2009 Dewey rated it did not like it

This is just another pop-psychology, appealing-to-the-masses-but-not-the-truth, feel-good book. It is so popular because it is in the same vein as The 5 Love Languages, His Needs/Her Needs, etc. which center on the anti-biblical/humanistic view of people as "love tanks"/"love banks" rather than the biblical understanding of who we really are (Gen 6:5; Jer 2:13; 17:9; Ecc 9:3; Mk 7:20-23; Gal 5:17; Rom 7, 8)

Yes, it does uses some Scripture, and even part of the book is true, yet any truth is shou ...more

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Jun 12, 2009 Annette rated it really liked it

Shelves: own, non-fiction-self-help, will-not-finish

My mother bought this book for my then-fiance and I when we announced our engagement, and both of us read it... most of it, anyway. Two years into our marriage, I will rate the advice as "excellent," and I've thus given it four stars. However, like so many "self-help"-type books, there is clear evidence of the author stretching out his material to fill enough pages to justify a solid $25 hardcover. In other words, read the first half of the book (or maybe even less) and you'll have gleaned every ...more

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Jun 28, 2012 Stella rated it it was amazing

Recommends it for: To Improve Marriage

Ephesians 5:33 has been there of two thousand years! Why do we miss it!

Husbands are to Love their Wives, and Wives are to Respect their Husbands.
Some think this is archic thinking, but it's not
As survy of men who were asked... "For the rest of your life, would you rather be loved or would you rather have respect?" ...Overwhelmingly the men perfered Respect over love.
Our Husbands need our love...But they need our Respect. They need it unconditionally.
God created women to be loving and nurturing.. ...more

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Jul 16, 2009 Terra rated it did not like it

This book addresses a tremendous lack in literature and teaching within the church regarding marriage. Dr. Eggerichs is absolutely correct to emphasize the respect that wives are called to give their husbands. The main concept is Scripturally sound: husbands are called to love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially; as Christ loves the church; wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands with words and actions.

Unfortunately, the manner in which Dr. Eggerichs expounds upon th ...more

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Jun 07, 2012 Anastasia Rose rated it it was amazing

I've read a lot of marriage books, gotten a ton of ideas to try, some that worked, a lot that didn't!

This was the first one that was a big, huge "Ah-hah!" in my marriage. My husband and I listened to the audio version on a long car trip. We kept having to stop it to talk about what he was saying. There were several times my husband said, "That's what I've been wanting to tell you for year, but didn't know how to say it." I can honestly say this book changed our marriage.

We were so impressed, we ...more

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Jul 06, 2012 Clark Goble rated it liked it

In this Focus on the Family book, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs makes a very simple proposition; most of the problems between a man and his wife are communication gaps. Furthermore, these divides can be overcome if the couple can embrace the true meaning of Ephesians 5:33, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” While this may seem like easy concepts to understand, Dr. Eggerichs explains the common ways men and women fail to grasp them. Using ...more

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Jul 18, 2012 Adam Parker rated it really liked it

Shelves: christianity

I debated giving this book two or three stars due to the very poor authorship, but the content was so practical and refreshing that I could not help but give it a four. This book is another one on my list that might offend some people out there, specifically women, but in the end speaks truth. Not some abstract personal truth, but hard truth that our modern culture refuses to accept. I think men reading this will relate to this book and recognize their need for the concepts this author represent ...more

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Oct 28, 2017 Chad Warner rated it it was ok

Recommends it for: couples

Shelves: christian, psychology, non-fiction

Although it claims to be a Christian book, it has an unbiblical premise, and unbiblical content. I have the following serious concerns about the book:

• Misrepresents goal of marriage as love and respect (described as needs) rather than sanctification.
• Emphasizes relationship between spouses, overlooks relationship between spouse and God; emphasizes behavior change, overlooks spiritual change.
• Condones being driven/controlled by feelings.
• Encourages manipulation of spouse to get what one wants ...more

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Jun 18, 2012 John Ausmus rated it it was amazing

If you read nothing else regarding marriage and relationships, read this book!!! I have read many books, and attended many classes, seminars, etc. and nothing compares. This is the best, most interesting, insightful, profound, life-changing resource I have ever come across on this topic. You and your entire family will be blessed by this–even if your spouse does not go through it with you.

Dr. Eggerichs understands the power of habits or cycles, which can perpetuate themselves over long periods o ...more

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Feb 28, 2009 Melissa rated it did not like it

I absolutely hated this book. I wanted to burn it when I was done but rather than do that, I just threw it away. The another is completely out of touch with a womans way of thinking and I was pretty much offended through the entire thing. I had to read this for our small group but sometimes, I couldn't bear it and just skipped.

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Mar 20, 2017 Rambling Reviews rated it did not like it

There are several reasons I would never recommend this book. This is my second reading, and I DNF this time around.

I have to out myself as a thinking Christian before I can explain. I don't mind the simple delivery of a sermon, for example, as long as I can sense/hear the theological depth behind it. While I do have a faith-based belief system, I've had more (formal, non-religious) education than I know what to do with, and I can't just turn off my critical thought for the sake of a warm fuzzy m There are several reasons I would never recommend this book. This is my second reading, and I DNF this time around.

I have to out myself as a thinking Christian before I can explain. I don't mind the simple delivery of a sermon, for example, as long as I can sense/hear the theological depth behind it. While I do have a faith-based belief system, I've had more (formal, non-religious) education than I know what to do with, and I can't just turn off my critical thought for the sake of a warm fuzzy message. Or in this case, a not-particularly-warm-fuzzy-message.

Firstly, it's poorly written. It's extremely repetitive to the point of redundancy. Eggerichs has a halting way of speaking that is both irritating and condescending.

Secondly, while the initial basis of his message can't be turned away out of hand, as it does come from scripture, it is ONE VERSE. In the entire Bible. You know what a pet peeve of mine is? Taking a single verse in isolation and extrapolating an entire worldview/idea of a worldview from that one verse. Nope. NOPE.

That sort of approach is not academic (it's hilarious that this guy considers himself academic). It's not biblical. It's not scientific. It's poor logic. The entire book is just far too simplistic, and his supporting evidence is entirely anecdotal. I understand the value of both quantitative and qualitative research but I don't really see a handful of stories as qualifying for either format!

Thirdly, IT'S ALL THE WIFE'S FAULT. Nope. As a woman, let me tell you it ain't my resistance to the Holy Spirit that has my back up about so much of this message. It's my KNOWLEDGE OF SCRIPTURE and my understanding of my value in Christ. As a woman, I have a fire in my belly and a brain in my head and I give both love and respect to my husband, which he reciprocates. Both of these expressions of human interaction can be far more complex than the illustrations in this book demonstrated (they ranged from irritating, to downright concerning.)

I believe that there are several different forms of respect; some earned, some inherent.
There's basic human dignity that is 'being treated with respect.' Then there is the respect that is me looking up to you, because your actions/character have earned it.

I have both of these forms of respect for my husband as a person, but Eggerichs doesn't seem to be able to separate response to ACTIONS and response to PERSONHOOD. When I speak to my husband, particularly about contentious issues, I do my best to make sure that I am treating him with the 'basic human dignity' form of respect. That I am not mocking him. And you know what? He does the same for me. I am not going to sit there and act like whatever he's done that I need to address is deserving of respect. AS A PERSON, he still deserves it. BUT HIS ACTIONS might not. And vice versa. We're certainly not going to sit quietly and pretend everything is okay, especially if it's not - we believe communication is the key to any good relationship, not silence!

The first time I read this, I left notes in the margins. I had clearly tried to read it from a balanced perspective. My notes do occasionally show that the content caused me to have some insight, however they largely express intelligent disagreement or point out flaws in his logic. I mean, there's a lot that could be helpful, if it weren't so simplistic and condescending. I don't disagree with the idea that men and women are designed differently. They are! What I disagree with is Eggerichs' EXTRAPOLATION. His constant blaming of women, and his painting of them as one-dimensional, problematic, emotional, asexual caricatures.

Perhaps I can best explain that point like this: it's like the difference between acknowledging biological difference, and extending that difference into forced gender roles. For example, I believe women are physically weaker generally, but I certainly don't think that means they should only/always stay at home, that they should only ever be nurses not doctors, that they can't manage companies, and that they're less intelligent/capable etc.

One star - and that one star is solely for the original insight, which was extremely poorly explored. ...more

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Feb 07, 2010 Susan rated it it was ok

Recommends it for: Linda Murray

Recommended to Susan by: Uncle Jerry

This book needs two ratings for me:
on the topic of love and respect in marriage: 4 or 5 stars
on his theology and 110% framing of love and respect by that: 1 or 2 stars

On the love and respect part:
Neat ideas. The premise is that what women need from a relationship is first and foremost love, but what men need first and foremost is respect. When a wife doesn't feel loved, she is likely to act in ways that feel disrespectful. When a husband doesn't feel respected, he is likely to act in ways that f This book needs two ratings for me:
on the topic of love and respect in marriage: 4 or 5 stars
on his theology and 110% framing of love and respect by that: 1 or 2 stars

On the love and respect part:
Neat ideas. The premise is that what women need from a relationship is first and foremost love, but what men need first and foremost is respect. When a wife doesn't feel loved, she is likely to act in ways that feel disrespectful. When a husband doesn't feel respected, he is likely to act in ways that feel unloving. The author gives examples and offers actions and plans for how to change "The Crazy Cycle" into "The Energizing Cycle."

I don't know if love for women and respect for men is really the be-all and end-all in a relationship like Eggerichs suggests, but there was a lot of really good stuff in there.

However, on the topic of his theology:
Eggerichs clearly and explicitly believes in "inspired scriptures," that is, the Bible as the literal given and transcribed Word of God that cannot be questioned. He believes in the absolute authority of the husband in a marriage, that it is adultery for a married man to admire a woman's body who isn't his wife, and other such staunchly fundamentalist perspectives. (To give the man some credit, he is clear that the man's authority doesn't allow for physical abuse -- he tells the women "Get out!" -- and that authority comes with a balancing obligation to care for and honor and protect his wife.)

But asking, "Does it sound chauvanistic to say...?" doesn't make you not a chauvanist. The acronym to help wives act respectfully toward their husband is CHAIRS (as in, Chairman of the Board kind of chair), which stands for Conquest (a poorly chosen word for the weight men give to their professional lives), Heirarchy (his desire to provide and protect), Authority (yep, how he has 100% in the marriage), Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.

I could hardly stomach the stuff. In the time of the New Testament, slaves were treated like dirt and wives were treated like slaves. Jesus, Paul, and the other early Christians called for a new and radical view of these relationships. Slaves were to be treated humanely, and wives were to be treated with honor. These were radical notions. Now we believe that slavery is just plain wrong, yet some Christians think that the actual recommendations about marriage were the endpoint. I think early Christians called for a radical rethinking in the direction of equality. I believe it's the perspective that we should bring forward, not the absolutes of that time and culture.

So if you can make it through the theology, the love and respect content has something valuable to offer to any relationship. If you can. ...more

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Jan 22, 2010 Crystal Porter rated it it was amazing

I recently had the chance to review the book Love and Respect for BookSneeze.com. I was really quite impressed with how Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is reveal the most simple intimate needs of both men and woman in an effort to break the cycle of craziness that many couples endure.

Love and Respect was able to not only place emphasis on the things that we often do to hurt each other. (unintentionally of course...) Eggerichs stresses that when a woman feels unloved she is conditioned to disrespect. When I recently had the chance to review the book Love and Respect for BookSneeze.com. I was really quite impressed with how Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is reveal the most simple intimate needs of both men and woman in an effort to break the cycle of craziness that many couples endure.

Love and Respect was able to not only place emphasis on the things that we often do to hurt each other. (unintentionally of course...) Eggerichs stresses that when a woman feels unloved she is conditioned to disrespect. When a man feels disrespected he is conditioned to treat the woman with a behavior that is unloving. Rather than base our love and respect on conditions:

ie: We shall only give the other person what they need when our needs our met.

Love and respect should be granted to one another WITHOUT CONDITION. Personally this was one of the most relationship altering notions in the entire book. The moment it becomes about what we give to the other person, our needs naturally get met along the way. That is beautiful!

Something that isn't covered in the book but as a reader who is trying to evolve her own relationship, I feel it is important to mention is not to forget that since our brains are all a certain percentage female and male, the exact recipe of love and respect that a person needs varies slightly from person to person.

One of the things that I really enjoyed about Dr. Eggerichs writing style is that his advice is not one sided. He often refers to the perspective of his wife and covers the emotions that both parties have experienced in any given situation. He even mentions in his book that him and his wife often lead marriage seminars together and includes various letters written from men and woman whose lives have been changed.

I absolutely would recommend this book to everyone especially those who feel that they are stuck in the crazy cycle themselves. There are bible references within the book. That doesn't bother me whatsoever although I am aware some people might not feel entirely comfortable with that. ...more

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Oct 02, 2013 Andrew Lynch rated it did not like it

I think there is an incredible amount of wisdom we can gain about marriage from the bible, and a lot of it is Ephesians 5 (the book focuses on 5:33). However, little, if any, of that wisdom is included in this book. After looking past the poor writing, the horribly stereotypical examples, the poor logical construction, the blatantly mis-used scripture references, and the layer of 'extrabiblical' principles he layers in, there might be something to this book. But it took more time to filter throu ...more

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Mar 01, 2012 Beth rated it did not like it

Shelves: my-reviews

This BOOK is very popular as IT seeks to provide advice to strengthen marriages by ending the "crazy cycle" of spouses' reacting to each other. However, this BOOK unwittingly exchanges one crazy cycle for another. The advice contained in the BOOK is predicated on a "complementarian" view of marriage, a controversial position that claims God has ordained husbands to lead wives. Readers who agree with this position may find this BOOK helpful in implementing a game plan... or they may find themselv ...more

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Aug 01, 2013 Jay rated it it was ok

Shelves: pastoral

Mixed feelings about this book. The central premise was very insightful if not necessarily profound, namely that unconditional respect and love is our duty to God and our spouses. Additionally, he correctly diagnoses a lack of unconditional respect as being the hidden root of much marriage conflict. He notes that the idea of a husband unconditionally loving his wife is universally known if not completely obeyed and therefore spends a lot of time unpacking the idea that a wife should unconditiona ...more

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