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Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

4.18  ·  Rating details ·  45,673 ratings  ·  1,672 reviews
A New York Times best-selling marriage book with more than one million copies sold!

Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love & Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for yo
Hardcover, 336 pages
Published September 5th 2004 by Thomas Nelson (first published 2004)
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Hugh Brechtel Remember the assumption here is that he and you are both good willed people and you would trust him with your life and your children's lives.

With th…more
Remember the assumption here is that he and you are both good willed people and you would trust him with your life and your children's lives.

With that in mind, I think the premise that is used here is not that you have to respect him, but that you should treat him with respect even if his actions do not merit it. Likewise husbands are to Love their wives even if they are being disrespectful to them.

You see, I am responsible to change myself, because no one else can do that for me. But by giving my wife the Love she needs even when her actions do not merit it, she may and probably will begin to soften her attitude and find the grace to give me what I need, too.

So by acting respectful toward your man and looking for little things you can honestly say he does well, you too, may give him the grace to change and be more Loving toward you.(less)

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Ash McPerk
Feb 28, 2012 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
I read this book as a part of a small group of friends. I tried to enter into the discussion with an open mind, but I have to be honest: this book is terrible. There's just no easy way to say this: the author is a chauvinist. The basic premise of the book is based on Ephesians 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It built a case up for why women should always respect their husbands, regardless of his actions, and thu ...more
Jan 16, 2008 rated it did not like it
Recommends it for: no one
I have to say that I did not enjoy reading this book at all and would not recommend it to anyone. First, it bothers me that he bases the vast majority of the books basis on a single verse. The description for this book says that Dr. Emerson has done extensive biblical research on his proposed idea of men needing respect and women needing love. However, I see very little that verifies this claim. Extensive biblical research would show Dr. Emerson’s thorough and careful exegesis of Ephesians 5:33, ...more
Amy Lynn
Mar 31, 2013 rated it did not like it
Love & Respect is one of the worst so-called biblical books on marriage that I have ever read which is not an over exaggeration. The writer's egregious exegesis should not be ignored. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs clearly hates women and uses twisted biblical concepts to degrade and humiliate women while promoting male superiority. At no time does he acknowledge that love is God's first priority. His video series is equally demeaning to women and glorifies the male ego to the exclusion of a woman's God- ...more
Jan 05, 2009 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: any one who doesn't even know how to talk to their spouse anymore
Recommended to Pink by: my bestie, Kels
The best marriage book I've found so far. Based on the fact that women need love and men need respect. For years that concept turned me off of reading this book, until the wall was so great that I had nowhere else to turn to find out how to talk to my husband again. This book saved my marriage by teaching me how to talk to my hubby in a way that showed him what I was feeling in my heart in a way he understood.

By the way, I don't recommend taking this book from page 1 if you are in dire straights
Jul 31, 2013 rated it did not like it
My boyfriend's parents bought us this book because they found it so helpful for their own marriage. My boyfriend and I read it together, but we only finished it because we told his parents we'd read it.

As a woman, I found I did not relate *at all* to most of what Eggerichs claims about women. Yes, I desire love, but I desire respect at least as much, possibly more so, and frankly I don't think the two ideas are as separate as this book suggests. Eggerichs fails to clearly define either "love" or
Aug 27, 2011 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
I believe this author has it wrong thinking women are more interested in "FEELING loved" than in BEING respected and treated like intellectual equals. So many women go out of their way to respect (and love) their men to the point of being doormats and yet still feel unloved and disrespected, and are then hit on the head with Bible passages to boot.

It would be beneficial if the author spent equal time showing men healthy ways to communicate what they need in order to feel respected (and loved). I
Sep 28, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: faith
I don’t know if everyone will view this book with the same ‘Aha’ I did or if it is just the timing in my life.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he sa
Sep 02, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Okay, so I'm a lifelong single guy. Still, most of my good friends are of the opposite gender, as are most of my extended family members-aunts, female cousins, etc.--who I talk to often. However, I've also had plenty of problems with the fairer sex, as well; most of the people who have unfriended me on Facebook have fallen into that category, and many of them were my coevals. So, my track record with the ladies has been kind of a mixed bag.

That's why the message of this book was important to me.
Jan 06, 2012 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: christian, marriage
I like the idea that women need love and men need respect. When I read this basic statement, a light bulb went off in my head because this is how my husband and I function as people in a relationship. However, I do not think that this concept applies to ALL relationships. Some men value love more than respect, and women value respect more than love. And they all value both. Futhermore, I feel like the point of this book was made within the first few chapters. After that, it just got very repetit ...more
Feb 12, 2011 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Like many Christian books, the authors have a really insightful point, namely that women need love and men need respect. They make this point really well in about 10 pages. The rest of the book is a broken record containing this same point told over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and... well, you get the point. Some of the stories are humorous, and they definitely help make the point in the beginning. But after about 25 pages there is no new information, just a re ...more
Sheila Gregoire
Jan 20, 2014 rated it did not like it
From the get-go, this book sets up the wife as being the one who needs to change. Even in the subtitle--she has desires, but he has needs, desperate ones.

In the sex chapter, he describes sex as being about the man's "physical release" which, if she does not provide it, will prompt him to have affairs or lust after other women. Nowhere does he talk about how a woman may want sex, too, or about how men should ensure that their wives enjoy sex.

So much more to say, but here's a link to a very long
Aug 27, 2009 rated it did not like it

I have always viewed books on relationships to be a little off. They always tend to lean in one direction. But I wanted to give this one a fair shot and I went into it with a clear mind.

This book revolves around the idea that women need to show respect and men need to show love. And it stops there. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I know many women that deserve respect and many men that crave love. However this isn’t explored. It may have worked at some point, but men like women with a soft side
Jul 29, 2015 rated it did not like it
If you want your marriage to hold the equality and values of the 1950s agenda of putting women back in their place, then this is the book for you.
Douglas Wilson
Mar 06, 2019 rated it really liked it
The diction and syntax are a bit evangelically, but the bones of this book are very good, and would be a great help to many couples I know.
Mar 13, 2009 rated it did not like it
This is just another pop-psychology, appealing-to-the-masses-but-not-the-truth, feel-good book. It is so popular because it is in the same vein as The 5 Love Languages, His Needs/Her Needs, etc. which center on the anti-biblical/humanistic view of people as "love tanks"/"love banks" rather than the biblical understanding of who we really are (Gen 6:5; Jer 2:13; 17:9; Ecc 9:3; Mk 7:20-23; Gal 5:17; Rom 7, 8)

Yes, it does uses some Scripture, and even part of the book is true, yet any truth is shou
Jun 28, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: To Improve Marriage
Ephesians 5:33 has been there of two thousand years! Why do we miss it!

Husbands are to Love their Wives, and Wives are to Respect their Husbands.
Some think this is archic thinking, but it's not
As survy of men who were asked... "For the rest of your life, would you rather be loved or would you rather have respect?" ...Overwhelmingly the men perfered Respect over love.
Our Husbands need our love...But they need our Respect. They need it unconditionally.
God created women to be loving and nurturing..
Anastasia Rose
Jun 07, 2012 rated it it was amazing
I've read a lot of marriage books, gotten a ton of ideas to try, some that worked, a lot that didn't!

This was the first one that was a big, huge "Ah-hah!" in my marriage. My husband and I listened to the audio version on a long car trip. We kept having to stop it to talk about what he was saying. There were several times my husband said, "That's what I've been wanting to tell you for year, but didn't know how to say it." I can honestly say this book changed our marriage.

We were so impressed, we
Jun 12, 2009 rated it really liked it
My mother bought this book for my then-fiance and I when we announced our engagement, and both of us read it... most of it, anyway. Two years into our marriage, I will rate the advice as "excellent," and I've thus given it four stars. However, like so many "self-help"-type books, there is clear evidence of the author stretching out his material to fill enough pages to justify a solid $25 hardcover. In other words, read the first half of the book (or maybe even less) and you'll have gleaned every ...more
Jul 16, 2009 rated it did not like it
This book addresses a tremendous lack in literature and teaching within the church regarding marriage. Dr. Eggerichs is absolutely correct to emphasize the respect that wives are called to give their husbands. The main concept is Scripturally sound: husbands are called to love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially; as Christ loves the church; wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands with words and actions.

Unfortunately, the manner in which Dr. Eggerichs expounds upon th
Clark Goble
Jul 06, 2012 rated it liked it
In this Focus on the Family book, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs makes a very simple proposition; most of the problems between a man and his wife are communication gaps. Furthermore, these divides can be overcome if the couple can embrace the true meaning of Ephesians 5:33, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” While this may seem like easy concepts to understand, Dr. Eggerichs explains the common ways men and women fail to grasp them. Using ...more
John Ausmus
Jun 18, 2012 rated it it was amazing
If you read nothing else regarding marriage and relationships, read this book!!! I have read many books, and attended many classes, seminars, etc. and nothing compares. This is the best, most interesting, insightful, profound, life-changing resource I have ever come across on this topic. You and your entire family will be blessed by this–even if your spouse does not go through it with you.

Dr. Eggerichs understands the power of habits or cycles, which can perpetuate themselves over long periods o
Adam Parker
Jul 18, 2012 rated it really liked it
Shelves: christianity
I debated giving this book two or three stars due to the very poor authorship, but the content was so practical and refreshing that I could not help but give it a four. This book is another one on my list that might offend some people out there, specifically women, but in the end speaks truth. Not some abstract personal truth, but hard truth that our modern culture refuses to accept. I think men reading this will relate to this book and recognize their need for the concepts this author represent ...more
Chad Warner
Oct 28, 2017 rated it it was ok
Recommends it for: couples
Although it claims to be a Christian book, it has an unbiblical premise, and unbiblical content. I have the following serious concerns about the book:

• Misrepresents goal of marriage as love and respect (described as needs) rather than sanctification.
• Emphasizes relationship between spouses, overlooks relationship between spouse and God; emphasizes behavior change, overlooks spiritual change.
• Condones being driven/controlled by feelings.
• Encourages manipulation of spouse to get what one wants
Rambling Reviews
Mar 20, 2017 rated it did not like it
There are several reasons I would never recommend this book. This is my second reading, and I DNF this time around.

I have to out myself as a thinking Christian before I can explain. I don't mind the simple delivery of a sermon, for example, as long as I can sense/hear the theological depth behind it. While I do have a faith-based belief system, I've had more (formal, non-religious) education than I know what to do with, and I can't just turn off my critical thought for the sake of a warm fuzzy m
Crystal Porter
Jan 22, 2010 rated it it was amazing
I recently had the chance to review the book Love and Respect for I was really quite impressed with how Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is reveal the most simple intimate needs of both men and woman in an effort to break the cycle of craziness that many couples endure.

Love and Respect was able to not only place emphasis on the things that we often do to hurt each other. (unintentionally of course...) Eggerichs stresses that when a woman feels unloved she is conditioned to disrespect. When
Feb 28, 2009 rated it did not like it
I absolutely hated this book. I wanted to burn it when I was done but rather than do that, I just threw it away. The another is completely out of touch with a womans way of thinking and I was pretty much offended through the entire thing. I had to read this for our small group but sometimes, I couldn't bear it and just skipped. ...more
Feb 07, 2010 rated it it was ok
Recommends it for: Linda Murray
Recommended to Susan by: Uncle Jerry
This book needs two ratings for me:
on the topic of love and respect in marriage: 4 or 5 stars
on his theology and 110% framing of love and respect by that: 1 or 2 stars

On the love and respect part:
Neat ideas. The premise is that what women need from a relationship is first and foremost love, but what men need first and foremost is respect. When a wife doesn't feel loved, she is likely to act in ways that feel disrespectful. When a husband doesn't feel respected, he is likely to act in ways that f
Andrew Lynch
Oct 02, 2013 rated it did not like it
I think there is an incredible amount of wisdom we can gain about marriage from the bible, and a lot of it is Ephesians 5 (the book focuses on 5:33). However, little, if any, of that wisdom is included in this book. After looking past the poor writing, the horribly stereotypical examples, the poor logical construction, the blatantly mis-used scripture references, and the layer of 'extrabiblical' principles he layers in, there might be something to this book. But it took more time to filter throu ...more
Mar 01, 2012 rated it did not like it
Shelves: my-reviews
This BOOK is very popular as IT seeks to provide advice to strengthen marriages by ending the "crazy cycle" of spouses' reacting to each other. However, this BOOK unwittingly exchanges one crazy cycle for another. The advice contained in the BOOK is predicated on a "complementarian" view of marriage, a controversial position that claims God has ordained husbands to lead wives. Readers who agree with this position may find this BOOK helpful in implementing a game plan... or they may find themselv ...more
Aug 01, 2013 rated it it was ok
Shelves: pastoral
Mixed feelings about this book. The central premise was very insightful if not necessarily profound, namely that unconditional respect and love is our duty to God and our spouses. Additionally, he correctly diagnoses a lack of unconditional respect as being the hidden root of much marriage conflict. He notes that the idea of a husband unconditionally loving his wife is universally known if not completely obeyed and therefore spends a lot of time unpacking the idea that a wife should unconditiona ...more
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