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To Be Alive

B. Rourke (Goodreads Author)

4.14 · Rating details · 36 ratings · 21 reviews

At twenty-two years old, Rhett Hawkins lives a life full of secrets and lies. Nobody knows the truth about his childhood growing up in an abusive home, the eating disorder that threatens to take his life, the obsessive thoughts about death that play like a movie in the back of his mind, and the sexuality he hides.

Nobody until he meets Colt, that is.

Police Constable Colt Wi ...more

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Published August 3rd 2020 by NineStar Press

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· 36 ratings · 21 reviews

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Aug 05, 2020 Joyfully Jay rated it really liked it

Shelves: sammy

A Joyfully Jay review.

4.5 stars

B. Rourke is not only a new to me author, but To Be Alive is their first novel released for publication. For a first story, this book is pretty amazing. The honest and unflinching look at how past abuse shapes one’s life and causes everything from self-hate to anorexia is sometimes hard to read, but most of it is essential to the plot. This book should have trigger warnings accompanying it and, at present, it does not. There are many fairly graphic scenes that des ...more

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Aug 05, 2020 Jessica Alcazar rated it liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: 2020-blog-tour-read, rourke-b, 2020-new-to-me, pr-indigo-marketing, reviewed-amazon-2019-forward, library-kindle-doc, library-calibre

This book, it’s not pretty. There, I said it. It’s actually quite traumatic, but it’s real. It happens. This is realistic fiction. But you should know going in that there are no rainbows and gumdrops dropping from the sky in this story. Do with that information what you will ….

I don’t want to come across as a reader that was not a fan of this book because it is well written, but it’s also problematic. I don’t know any other way to put this but to say that the wrapping up of the story in the end ...more

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Jul 30, 2020 Joel rated it liked it

Shelves: in-exchange-for-an-honest-review

3.5*
A book that has *almost* everything

First: The book cover is hot and that's something worth to say. LOL

"Celebrate every milestone, sweetheart. You need to fill that bucket up with good things, so it's not empty when you have a bad day"

So this book is perfectly balanced between pure erotica, a nice relationship and health problems.
And the author manages them all very well.

The book has some really hot explicit scenes, that are really going to turn us on. Yet, the story is deep enough to keep us ...more

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Sep 24, 2020 Tina rated it really liked it

Shelves: adult

This book requires trigger warnings. Issues such as eating disorders, child abuse, mental trauma, and so many more are all here.

BUT don't let that keep you from reading if they aren't your personal reading trips. Because you will fall in love with Rhett and want to help him. You will be so happy as he figures himself out, and see just how much he is loved by those who matter. And while I agree with other reviewers who found the ending to be a little too easy, I suspect the author does too. And ...more

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Sep 13, 2020 cupcakes and bookshelves rated it really liked it

Shelves: netgallery

I really wanted this story to be longer, it finished too soon for me but that's just because I didn't want it to end. With characters you really care about, it was tough to read at times but the writer handled the sensitive subjects so well. Overall, an enthralling read.

*Copy kindly given by NetGallery in exchange for an honest review, thank you so much*

...more

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Sep 24, 2020 Alexandra rated it liked it

A nice book of Colt and Rhett meet and get to know each other and the ups and downs of trying to get a relationship to work. With their lives also playing a role, they are able to be together.

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Aug 04, 2020 Emily Ozuna rated it liked it

~ENGLISH/ESPAÑOL~

•ENGLISH•

The ARC for this novel was provided by the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you very much!

You don't know the pain I felt with this book, you have no idea how much I cried for what was going on. Dear God, I must tell you: this is a sad and devastating story and it will leave you crying, prepare to suffer, because when you meet Rhett the only thing you are going to want to do is protect him, love him, care for him and set on fire the world f ...more

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Jul 23, 2020 Charlotte rated it really liked it

Shelves: anxiety-panic, child-abuse, coming-out, contemporary, diverse-characters, domestic-emotional-abuse, homophobia, in-recovery, m-m-romance, mental-health

This is my introduction to B. Rourke, and I believe their debut novel. I'm always pleased to support the diversity of authors/stories at NineStar press so I signed up to review this one.

Rhett Hawkins comes from a world of pain. His childhood was horrendous and I would encourage everyone to read the warnings that are, as always, provided by the publisher at the beginning of the book. Basically, Rhett has been taught that everything he is... is wrong. His mother used nasty insults, and both physi This is my introduction to B. Rourke, and I believe their debut novel. I'm always pleased to support the diversity of authors/stories at NineStar press so I signed up to review this one.

Rhett Hawkins comes from a world of pain. His childhood was horrendous and I would encourage everyone to read the warnings that are, as always, provided by the publisher at the beginning of the book. Basically, Rhett has been taught that everything he is... is wrong. His mother used nasty insults, and both physical and emotional abuse to berate and attack him when he was a child.

It's clear very quickly in "To Be Alive" that the main character, Rhett is dealing with an eating disorder and possibly other mental health issues. He gets "stuck" in the bathroom at the very beginning of the book while counting the bones in his body. the wall of protection he has built around himself is by gaining control over the way his body feels and looks. He sticks to a regimented food schedule... and is starving himself "safe".

The story begins with Rhett going to a gay club with his friend. Even though he is "straight", Rhett supports his friend Dylan. The thing is... Rhett isn't straight. There's just no way he would ever admit to anyone that his mother was right with the horrible names she used to hurl at him. While at the club, Rhett meets Colt. And, for some reason, Colt is able to break through the walls that Rhett has so painstakingly constructed throughout his life.

Colt is an interesting character. He doesn't push even though it's pretty clear from the moment they meet that he knows that Rhett is complex. Colt doesn't push, but he does insist upon one thing: the truth. He becomes a "safe place" for Rhett... before Rhett is even really aware that he doesn't have one.

Not surprisingly, Rhett has been living a lie most of his life. He's not out to his friends, he dismisses any concerns about his food, and he always has an excuse if he's consumed by his obsessive behavior. In a way, all the coping mechanisms that Rhett has developed show how strong he is. I've always believed that characters as complex as Rhett aren't "dysfunctional"; they're functioning the only way they can. Sometimes, the fact that someone keeps going at all... is impressive.

Without giving away the details of Rhett's past, suffice to say it's a miracle he's alive at all. He's an artist, creative, caring, sweet and his friends mean a great deal to him. The fact that he continues to hide his truth from the people closest to him, is just another manifestation of the pain that he's dealing with. Colt sums up the situation best in the latter half of the book when he describes Rhett's life as a "shame spiral". The way that shame and guilt play into our fears and our insecurities is a huge theme in this book. It's subtle but it's woven into everything that surrounds Rhett's storyline.

The author has done a wonderful job with such sensitive topics. I did feel the therapy at the end of the book was a bit short and abrupt. Therapy for someone like Rhett would take far longer and be far more challenging than it's depicted here. But, the short length of the book may have played into some of the author's/ editor's choices. Rourke definitely gets the point across: Rhett is broken and needs to heal from many things.

I wouldn't say this book was enjoyable. I really felt emotionally connected to Rhett. His pain was very visceral and well-written. I was hoping for something to help him from the moment I began reading. Rourke did a wonderful job of bringing his character to life. So... enjoyable? Not really, even though there are adorable and funny moments. Why? Because it's heart-hurty. Worth reading? Absolutely. ...more

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Sep 17, 2020 Becca rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I have to warn you before going in, although this is a story of hope and new beginnings, it’s also a story of deep lows. And the lows are bad. There are triggers in this book. An MC is abused by his mother, physically, emotionally and by neglect. Held prisoner and many other things. It leads to him having anorexia and severe anxiety. I don’t want to give anything away, but I know there are people out there with severe triggers and I want you to be forewarned.
Rhett’s life was a living horror tale I have to warn you before going in, although this is a story of hope and new beginnings, it’s also a story of deep lows. And the lows are bad. There are triggers in this book. An MC is abused by his mother, physically, emotionally and by neglect. Held prisoner and many other things. It leads to him having anorexia and severe anxiety. I don’t want to give anything away, but I know there are people out there with severe triggers and I want you to be forewarned.
Rhett’s life was a living horror tale. Seems almost ironic, seeing as horrors are his favorite thing to watch. He’s been trying to hold it together for years, but it’s getting to the point where it’s getting too much to hold on to. Like the fact that he really is gay. But after all the abuse slung at him from his mother, it’s the last thing he wants to be. But a Constable in a gay bar sees something in Rhett from the moment he laid eyes on him. Colt knows there’s something going on under the surface with Rhett. It becomes more abundantly clear the first time the have sex. Even though Rhett is beautiful to Colt, Colt is still worried. And it doesn’t hit home how bad things have gotten until an argument ensues and Rhett is running away. Even worse when the past comes to confront Rhett, and sends him into the worst tailspin ever. One that he may not come back from. With being confined to the hospital now, can Rhett finally purge everything that is hurting him and learn with help to be healthy again, or will this be the end?
I’ve never dealt with anorexia. I actually have the opposite problem. Because I was literally starved at times, I went the other extreme and not having food scares me. It’s a trigger. So I understood where Rhett was coming from in this book. And it’s a hard one. It makes you look at your life in ways you don’t want to. Makes you face things you’ve been putting out of your mind for fear of looking too deep. And my heart aches for Rhett in this story. Because I totally understand. And even with this being a fictional book, it’s something that happens every day. The hope in this book though, came in the stunning form of a Constable. Who saw through Rhett’s lies and everything from day one. He didn’t know the extent, but he knew there was more going on. And the more Rhett told him, the more angry Colt got. Because no one deserved to go through what Rhett did. But when confronted with the one thing Rhett didn’t want to discuss, that was it. But Colt still hoped someone would see what was happening with Rhett and get him help. But sometimes we don’t get our wishes, and people have to hit rock bottom before they can see what’s really going on.
I hated how Rhett had to hit that bottom. He didn’t deserve it. But I’m so glad he had people who stood by him and supported him. And they didn’t hold back on him either. They let him know how scared and hurt and angry they were that he couldn’t come to them. And Rhett needed that. He needed to see how much he really mattered to those around him. Instead of him feeling like he’s invisible. That’s the hope. There are people out there that really care. People who really want you to be ok and to see how much you matter. How much a difference life would be without you in it. If you know people that are going through a struggle, remind them. Send a text. Write a note. Something. Let them know you care and are available for them. You may be the only lifeline they have.

https://lovebytesreviews.com/ ...more

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Aug 11, 2020 Amy Dufera - Amy's MM Romance Reviews rated it it was amazing

Wow! Having just finished reading To Be Alive, I am hard pressed to do justice to this phenomenal read. This is a powerful story by B Rourke that's raw, realistic, and full of pain, so be prepared.

Rhett knows nothing but pain and trauma in his life. He is weighed down by both physical and mental scars. His childhood was hell, and his life continues to be full of lying and hiding. I hurt for him throughout, but even more so when certain things are revealed towards the end. How he ever survived i ...more

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Aug 04, 2020 Amy Stauffer rated it it was amazing

Shelves: lgbtqia-plus, arcs

When I first started reading this book I became anxious for what was going to happen to Rhett. It was obvious he was struggling. From the first page, we get a glimpse inside his head. We, as readers, got to see everything that he hides from everyone. We knew, he knew, and somehow Colt could see through his lies, even though his best friends didn’t. Even when Rhett wouldn’t. Rhett was a liar.

Rhett’s mother is a monster. If I could summon Karma upon a fictional character, it would be her. I guess ...more

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Sep 26, 2020 Cynthia Hamill rated it it was amazing

Whoa. I certainly wasn't expecting to get pulled in by Rhett and Colt, but I didn't want to put this one down. I was aware of the subject matter when I purchased it, and was curious about how the story would handle the dark subject matter. Yes, it's dark. Very dark in places. But wow, it's got brilliant spots of brightness too, that kept me eager to follow where these characters led. I finished the book in just a few days, and when I wasn't actively reading it, I was thinking about the character ...more

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Jul 24, 2020 RACHEL REED rated it really liked it

Rhett Hawkins is a 22 year old closeted young man who lives a double life. He is emotionally scarred because of his abusive childhood. He has an eating disorder and is plagued by constant thoughts about death.

Colt Williams is an upstanding officer of the law. He sees Rhett as a broken yet beautiful boy yearning for acceptance and affection. His instincts propel him to reach out and care for Rhett.
But can Colt heal what is already broken? Can he save Rhett before its too late?

This book made me ve ...more

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Aug 02, 2020 Elaine Gray rated it it was amazing

This my first book by B. Rourke and I wasn't disappointed. Rhett has a difficult childhood. Constantly being verbally and physically abused by his mother every since he was child has taken a toll on his mental and physical health. He never told anyone he was gay not even his brother, friends and will not even admit to himself. Colt is a police officer, sees something in Rhett and acts on it. They start a relationship. Colt notices everything about Rhett but doesn't say or try to call him on it. ...more

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Aug 05, 2020 Elin rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I didn't truly know what to expect when I started this book but it has an intense start and it had me hooked. Rhett's problems were complicated and plentiful, which I felt in my own bones as I read his his thoughts and found every secret and lie he told himself and everyone else.

This book will trigger some readers, the author doesn't hold back as he narrates Rhett's life and it wouldn't have packed such a punch if he had.
But while Rhett's issues was the main part of the book, one of my favourit ...more

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Aug 04, 2020 Anabela.M. rated it liked it

3.5 Stars

Rhett was messed up, there's no other way to describe him. As it says in the blurb, he had a lot of troubling issues to deal with, and it's been hard to read through.

I was really happy when Rhett met Colt, grateful for the understand and support the latter offered. But, that was kinda it, because I didn't really feel the connection between the two.

Although not precisely my cup of tea, so to speak, I hope many will pick up this book, because of the sensitive way the author wrote Rhett ...more

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Jul 25, 2020 Laila rated it really liked it

I received a copy of this book to review from Netgalley. Thank you for the opportunity.
This book is too cute, Colt and Rhett are adorable. The writing is good and super readable. The characters interesting and engaging. There is more depth to the love story due to the issues Rhett is grappling with, see below, but it was well done.
There are some significant mentions of child abuse, eating disorders and homophobia so please read the warnings beforehand to know if this book is suitable for you.
I ...more

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Aug 09, 2020 Gail rated it liked it

Shelves: hurt-comfort, m-m

A bit disappointing. This kind of story line is my catnip and I wanted to love it but somehow it just didn’t come together. First, I’m not an insta-love fan, especially when one of the couple is completely denying his sexuality as Rhett was. Second, I didn’t understand why Rhett’s anorexia got worse when he hooked up with Colt. Third, for me, the story was good but the writing didn’t have a smooth flow. That said, it was a first book for this author and I’d buy a second if it was about Hunter or ...more

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Jul 30, 2020 Michael Cartwright rated it really liked it

This was WAY darker than I expected and was completely different to what I thought it would be... saying that, this was a pretty realistic depiction of living with an eating disorder, and the fluffy romcom element definitely played second fiddle to that trauma without feeling short-changed, even if it was a tad underdeveloped.

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Aug 31, 2020 Joscelyn Smith rated it it was amazing

Colt and Rhett were wonderfully complex characters, Rhett is weighed down with so much trauma from his abusive childhood that he is almost broken beyond repair. Colt was exactly what he needed, someone to shore him up and provide him a safe place to begin healing. This story really put me through the emotional wringer.

*I voluntarily reviewed a copy of this book provided by NetGalley*

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Aug 04, 2020 Kristina rated it it was amazing

To Be Alive was so good! I absolutely loved Rhett and Colt together. It was so sweet and felt so realistic. This is one of my favorite m/m romances I have read.

The hardest thing to get through was learning about Rhett’s life and how hard it was. He just wanted a real family with a mother who loved him and he got the complete opposite. His mother was a horrible, abusive human being which led him to have trust and body issues.

I highly recommend To Be Alive. It was a wonderful book with fantastic ...more

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