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Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

4.10  ·  Rating details ·  1,894 ratings  ·  194 reviews
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. And no matter how much they care ...more
Paperback, 272 pages
Published March 4th 1998 by Harper Paperbacks (first published 1997)
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Jackie I am reading this book ow and will let you know. Go to amazon and look at the reviews...it is very thought provoking. Jackie

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4.10  · 
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 ·  1,894 ratings  ·  194 reviews


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Autumn Darling
Jan 11, 2013 rated it it was amazing
This extremely straight forward book is an absolute MUST READ. My husband's mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and has been emotionally blackmailing him and his siblings for YEARS. I picked up on it pretty quickly, but didn't know how to handle her attempts to control me, my relationship with her son, or my decisions in raising our daughters without getting extremely angry and lashing out.

I knew that there was a better way to deal with this woman, without letting everything she
...more
حماس
حين وطأت قدماى جلسة الدعم الأولى لي كنتُ مترقبة
لقد كانت المعالِجة تديرها بشكل مختلف،
فبدلًا من سرد كلٍ منّا لقصتِه كلها مرة واحدة،
كنّا نقسم قصصنا إلى :(الأزمة، وطريق العلاج، والنتيجة) وكنّا نتبادل سرد قصصنا بذلك التقسيم حتى ننتهى جميعنا من سرد أزماتنا ونبدأ جميعنا في طريق العلاج سَوِيًّا
بإشراف وتوجيه وجهد عظيم من المعالِجة
يصحبه صدق وإخلاص وشعور بالأمان والدعم لا متناهيان في المجموعة.


الأزمة:
أنت لست وحدك في هذا
لم تكن ولن تكون أبدًا الشخص الأوحد المعرض للابتزاز العاطفىّ في العالم
هذه كلمات لا تق
...more
Jessi
Jul 27, 2011 rated it it was amazing
It took me a while to get through this book because I wanted to make sure to really absorb it (including using a highlighter and taking notes). I have a family member who is very manipulative and I know I have to change the way I deal with them rather than trying to change them. Now that I've finished the book, I feel better equipped to handle the ridiculous requests / demands that I've come to expect from this person. I know that it will be uncomfortable and a bit scary to break the familiar cy ...more
امتياز
Apr 12, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: pdf

من الكتب المرهقة نفسيًا وذهنيًا

أتمنى من كل الأزواج والأباء والأمهات قراءته والتمعن فيما ورد فيه

أغلبنا للأسف نقع تحت ما يسمى بالابتزاز العاطفي دون دراية منا بذلك

اقتباسات مختلفة وملهمة من الكتاب:

* الشعور بالذنب ربما يبقي العلاقات قائمة لكنه يقوض الثقة بالنفس.

* إن الاستسلام للابتزاز مرة أو مرتين لن ينهيه بل سيزيد المطالب وحسب.

* هل أنا مطالبة بأن ادفع ثمن هذا حتى آخر حياتي.

* استخدام اللوم في الابتزاز، مثال: قضيت يومًا سيئًا في العمل وهذا كله بسببك.

* إذا كان لدينا ضمير يقظ فإن خيوط الشعور بالذنب تغز
...more
Lina AL Ojaili
Oct 13, 2012 rated it it was ok
الخوف-الالتزام-الذنب
Dar vieną puslapį
Idealiame pasaulyje artimieji mūsų neskaudina, mumis nesinaudoja ir nemanipuliuoja. Deja idealus pasaulis neegzistuoja. Patys artimiausi žmonės apie mus žino daug. Pavyzdžiui tai, kaip išnaudojant mūsų silpnąsias puses pasiekti naudos. Galbūt negalite atsilaikyti prieš nepatenkinto asmens kankinatį tylėjimą? Gal lengvai pasiduodate kitai emocinio šantažo formai - kaltės sukėlimui? O gal tiesiog turite įtarimą, kad santykiai su artimu žmogumi nėra win - win situacija? Tuomet ši knyga kaip tik jum ...more
Dave Burns
Mar 23, 2013 rated it it was ok
Shelves: library, skimmed
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but ideally we will negotiate to a win-win solution. Manipulators fight dirty. They make demands, and if you resist they respond with pressure, guilt trips, and threats.

I was disappointed with part II of the book, where the author was supposed to show us how to deal with manipulators. She had some good points in there, but I don't think she really gives the reader much to go on with regard to strategies for change. She tries, but it seemed vague, nothi
...more
سارة درويش
الكتاب قيم جدا مفيد ليس فقط في ما يخص علاقاتنا بالآخرين لكنه مهم جدا أن نقرأه ونضعه في اعتبارنا ونحن بصدد تربية أولادنا كي لا تتكرر مأساتنا. بالنسبة لي الجزء الأكثر أهمية كان الخاص بالابتزاز الذاتي كذلك الجزء الخاص بكيفية إيقاف الابتزاز والتصدي له.
Amal
May 11, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
يالها من رحلة طويلة في هذا الكتاب ، لا لشيء سوى انشغال وقلة استعداد ذهني للقراءة .. لكنهُ كان نافعاً مُلهماً بحق وساعدني كثيراً
كلمة الرفض " لا " تلك الكلمة المظلومة بوصفها غُراباً أسوداً مشؤوم لايمكنك التصديق كيف ستتحول لحمامة بيضاء ستُغير مسار حياتك وخياراتك عندما تضعها في مكانها وزمانها المُناسبين !
الخلاصة مهما كُنت عاطفياً وطيباً لاتدع أحداً يبتز مشاعرك ويمتص طاقتك و وهجك .. لا أحد !
Apryl Anderson
Jul 27, 2011 rated it really liked it
Similar to the other books of this genre, it sheds light on the dark places of our relationships. Forward's key phrase for recognizing when we're being manipulated is FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. What you do with that requires practice. Forward offers concrete and logical advice. What you do with it is your responsibility.
Tweedledum
I stumbled across a reference to this book online while searching for more advice/support/ insight as to what to do / how to cope with a very difficult family situation. I ordered the book online and it arrived from the US about a week later. Have read it cover to cover over the last two days ( it felt like water in the desert) and found so much wisdom and practical advice packed inside I could just kiss the author! I went straight out this morning and bought a notebook to use start to rethinkin ...more
Debbie Bateman
Oct 30, 2012 rated it it was amazing
I read this book as research for a short story I'm writing, but was struck by how common many of the emotional blackmail techniques described in this book actually are. Family members, friends, and employers often use these strategies without anyone thinking about what's going on. If you're a generous person, you could be taken advantage of easily.

As the author points out, a lot of emotional abuse mimics normal behaviour and can be difficult to identify for that reason. What makes emotional bla
...more
Ashlie
Jan 09, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Excellent book! This books makes it crystal clear the behaviors of one who consistantly uses emotional blackmail to get their way. Outstanding, easy read. I found myself highlighting points in almost every chapter. It is truly amazing how Frazier describes FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) that so many blackmailers use to make their victims bend. It can be ever so slight to completely obvious. Once you know the pattern, it makes it quite easy to spot what is happening and put in place the tools ...more
Sarah
Jun 23, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
لأننا في مجتمعات مريضة ، فكل الأخطاء البشعة التي تنتهك إنسانيتنا و طفولتنا قد تسربت إلى تفاصيل حياتنا ، ولأننا لا نعرف غير الذي عُلّمنا .. فالمآساة تتكرر لأجيال و أجيال و أجيال ..

قد تكون مسألة الابتزاز العاطفي من أهم المشاكل المُتخفية خلف كواليس حياتنا ، هي تدير كل شيء ، لكن لا أحد يشير إليها بوضوح !
أو بالأحرى : نحن لا نعرف ماهو الإبتزاز العاطفي أصلاً ، لأنه يتخفى خلف مصطلحات كثيرة أُصبغ عليها لباس الدين أو المجتمع أو الحب أو العطاء …

كتاب مبهر .
Abrar Yasser
Apr 09, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
"إذا ما سويت اللي قلت لك عنه ترى ما احبك !"
من منا لم يسمع هذه العبارة أو يطلقها؟!
عندما تقرأ هذا الكتاب ستكتشف أنك كنت يومًا ما مُبتزًا أو ضحية للابتزاز -مع الأسف-!

هذا الكتاب مفيد، يشرح عملية الابتزاز العاطفي وكيفية التغلب عليه فيما لو كنت ضحية. كنت أتمنى لو ناقشت الدكتورة أيضًا طرق تساعد المبتز على التخلص من هذا الأسلوب.
Crystal
May 22, 2011 rated it it was amazing
I think everyone should read this book. I know what you are thinking...just another self-help book, but this book will help you deal with anyone difficult in your life and also realize when you yourself aren't acting reasonably. I could relate to a great deal in this book and I'm sure you will too.
شيماء فؤاد
الكتاب مفيد جدا .. ودقيق ومفصل
لكن مسهب جدا جدا جدا وكثير القصص والحكايات
قرأت نصفه بعناية ..
والنصف الثاني المتعلق ب كيفية التعامل مع المبتز اضطررت أن أقرأ بعض العناوين و الفقرات فقط .
Masque Chen
Jul 17, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
情緒勒索已是大家耳熟能詳且望文就能會意的一個詞,經由介紹,秉持著不難的話就看原典的精神,我從發明這個詞的原典開始看。

開始是西方加油加油人書籍,序章先summary ,勾起讀者興趣。花了好幾章的時間解釋概念,中間聰明的穿插各種實例,隨著章節推進揭露這些故事的進展(大部分的書是單次舉例,這裡是讓故事跟著章節演進,更有說服力)。

接著花了不少時間鼓勵讀者,是的是的我們做的到,我們一起突破這個迷霧,我們要重新掌握自己的人生,藉由信心喊話,藉由分段、可執行的步驟,我們終將獲得勝利。

這本書也提供了很多面對勒索者的處理心法。包括不要動、冷處理,也明確的說了該求援的時機。

不是我原本預期中的無腦加油書,其實越逼近執行面的段落,會發現作者越誠實的說方法不一定有用,但至少這是一個改變的機會。

面對很多關係,作者甚至直接要求讀者不要再抱不切實際的幻想:從小就不愛你只想跟妳借錢的妹妹是不可能跟妳發生親情的,死心找別人吧。該離的婚就離吧拖著才是真正對小孩不好。

我真心讚許這種良心,至少沒有一起用正念向宇宙下訂單,清晰的去直視自己的環境,才有可能真正的離開困境。

Raya Dimitrova
Oct 30, 2015 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Скоро бях попаднала на въпроса "Коя е книгата, която е променила живота ти?". Тогава това ми прозвуча твърде силно, за да титулирам която и да е книга с тази чест. Е, вече мога да кажа, че си имам такава. Тази книга "ми отвори очите" (никога до сега не бях ползвала този израз, но сега наистина се чувствам така) и ми даде решение на дългогодишен проблем.

За да разберете дали имате нужда от тази книга, ще цитирам част от въведението:
"Тъй като е толкова трудно да разпознаете емоционалното изнудване,
...more
Sophia
May 23, 2012 rated it really liked it
THIS is what my stepfather does. He is toatally a punisher! Its nice to have names for things, it makes them seem more manageable, more comprehensive. It helps my brain organize behavior idk idk. I actually did take a lot of really great stuff from this book. Some of it Ive been doing for a while, but most of it i haven't really been conscious of, and a lot of her advice and techniques are brilliant. Like non-devensive communication, i used taht with my mother last night and it was great. I mean ...more
Sonder
Apr 10, 2019 rated it really liked it
I wish it was not as focused on couple relationships, even though there were other examples of relationships. This book was really easy to read and gives tools to understand ourselves better when we're in the middle of a storm. It was also heartwarming to read all those stories about real people.
Nicole
Nov 13, 2008 rated it liked it
Recommended to Nicole by: my sister
Shelves: communication
I read this book because I know I've dealt with emotional blackmail in my life, and I wanted to gain some perspective on it.

Overall I think this book was good because it was an easy read (there are many stories about her clients that make the book interesting, and you want to find out what happens to them). There were definitely some interesting points throughout the book, but for the most part the points seemed self-evident to me.

The book is aimed more so at those currently experiencing emotion
...more
Rebekka Steg
I recently finished reading this book (although I did read the Danish translation) and it's made a great impression on me. It is definitely something I've struggled with in my past relationship. Allowing someone to run all over me, using guilt, threats or verbal abuse to make me give in.

Not only does the book deal with what emotional blackmail is, it also tells you the background for it, and what you can do to stop it from happening again, by working on yourself and your own behaviour.
Asalla Othman
تتحدث سوزان في هذا الكتاب عن شخصياتنا حينما نتعرض للابتزاز العاطفي من الأشخاص الذين تربطنا بهم علاقة قوية ( آباؤنا، وأزواجنا، وأولادنا، وأصدقاؤنا، ومدراؤنا في العمل ..إلخ.) لأنهم على علم بنقاط ضعفنا وأدق أسرارنا فهم الأقدر على ابتزازنا. إن هؤلاء المقربين يبدون "ضعفاء" ظاهريًّا لكنهم في الحقيقة طغاة من نوع هادئ، فهم لا يصرخون ولا يحدثون ضجة، لكن سلوكهم يجرحنا ويحيرنا ويغضبنا.



تساعدك سوزان في هذا الكتاب على فهم حالات الابتزاز والتصدي لها .
Shelli
Nov 16, 2017 rated it it was amazing
I wish I'd read this book many years ago. Very useful.
新新 Xin-Xin
本來對這類書有點興趣缺缺,但實際讀過之後發現有其實用之處,某些建議雖然經過二十年+語言文化的隔閡,但還頗有意思。
D U N Y A
"بدون الشعور بالذنب فإن المبتز لا حيلة له."
Vilija Jankūnaitė
Man psichologija ir psichologinės knygos yra tikra mistika. Vis dar sunku patikėti, kad specialistai sėkmingai sugeba analizuoti tokius sudėtingus sutvėrimus kaip žmonės. O aš jaučiu, kaip vis labiau ir labiau klimpstu į šią nesibaigiančią mokslo sritį – tik sužinau kažką ir norisi dar, dar, ir dar.

„Emocinis šantažas“ – vienas iš noro sužinoti daugiau padarinių. Tiesiog pamačiau knygos viršelį, atpažinau žinomos psichologės pavardę (ji parašė populiarią knygą „Toksiški tėvai“) ir supratau, kad š
...more
ياسمين خليفة
من منا لم يتعرض للابتزاز العاطفي على يد شخص يحبه
من منا لم يجبره الشعور بالذنب او الخوف على تلبية طلب احد من اصدقائه او اقاربه
وفي النهاية وجد نفسه يفعل شيئا خاطئا ويضر بنفسه وبمصلحته
ربما تعبير الابتزاز العاطفي يكون ليس واضحا للبعض ولكن الكاتبة سوزان فورورد تشرحه في هذا الكتاب وتحلل نفسية من يمارسون الابتزاز العاطفي سواء كانوا ازواج او اباء او اصدقاء وتوضح أنهم ليسوا اشرار ولكنهم يتلاعبون بمن امامهم لكي يسيطروا عليه ويضمنوا تنفيذ طلباتهم
وتضع الكاتبة امثلة لا حصر لمن تعرضوا للابتزاز العاطفي من
...more
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231 followers
One of the nation’s leading therapists, as well as a best selling author, dynamic lecturer and frequent talk-show guest. In addition to her private practice, she has served as a therapist, instructor and consultant for many Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She is the author of the #1 New York Times best sellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents ...more
“Yet if there's one thing I know with absolute certainty, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior. Insight won't do it. Understanding why we do the self-defeating things we do won't make us stop doing them. Nagging and pleading with the other person to change won't do it. We have to act. We have to take the first step down a new road.” 14 likes
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