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He Came In With It

Miriam Feldman (Goodreads Author)

4.47 · Rating details · 99 ratings · 42 reviews

In an idyllic Los Angeles neighborhood, where generations of families enjoy deep roots in old homes, the O’Rourke family fits right in. Miriam and Craig are both artists and their four children carry on the legacy. When their teenage son, Nick, is diagnosed with schizophrenia, a tumultuous decade ensues in which the family careens permanently off the conventional course.

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Published June 23rd 2020 by Dreamscape Media

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Dec 19, 2020 Barbara rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Artist Miriam Feldman

In the 1980s Miriam Feldman and her husband Craig O'Rourke - both artists - were happy to purchase a craftsman-style home in the toney Larchmont Village neighborhood of Los Angeles. And they were thrilled when their son Nicholas was born soon afterwards. Nick was strong and adorable and "his future was as bright as the goddamn sun."

Miriam Feldman with baby Nick O'Rourke

Craig took Nick on fishing trips and to museums, and the boy would follow Craig to his work studio in the ...more

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Jul 11, 2020 Janet rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

A beautiful, timely work, the stunning memoir of the mother of a schizophrenic son. I have to admit, I expected a very different kind of book--something requiring many Kleenexes. Instead, artist Miriam Feldman's chronicle of the first ten years of her son's mental illness is brash, poignant, paced like a suspense novel and bravely self-revealing, as she follows his schizophrenic break and its effects not only on him and her but on every member of this family. How did a painter learn to write suc A beautiful, timely work, the stunning memoir of the mother of a schizophrenic son. I have to admit, I expected a very different kind of book--something requiring many Kleenexes. Instead, artist Miriam Feldman's chronicle of the first ten years of her son's mental illness is brash, poignant, paced like a suspense novel and bravely self-revealing, as she follows his schizophrenic break and its effects not only on him and her but on every member of this family. How did a painter learn to write such gorgeous prose? And how did she learn to pace so well? The humor clearly was intrinsic, but the ability to tell the raw truth was hard-won.

It's a time when our society has begun to question the way police have become charged with being the main interface between the mentally ill and what is left of our mental health system. In the absence of a concerted support network of mental hospitals, social workers, psychiatric first responders, and insurance as exist in many other countries, families are on their own. In America, you have the police and the churning wheel of the 72 hour "stabilize and release" system. You have families forced to care for very disturbed people, trying to get them to stay on medication and keep a roof over their heads, always a step way from eviction. As Feldman that the police are the ones who show up and can save you, but on the other hand they are armed and could very well kill her son if things go wrong:

"Nick, you have to leave. I told you that you can't be here."

"Cmon, Mom. I just want something to eat. What's the big deal?"

"I told him that if he didn't leave, I would call the police. He was trespassing. I had learned that these situations can be an opportunity. If you call the police, there is the possibility that you can get them hospitalized. There is also the possibility that someone could end up dead..."

What I liked especially about this book was how the emotional key keeps changing. Also that there are no big whacks of undigested medical or psych facts, no clinical or pop-psych terminology. This isn't a clinical book, it's a book about one specific, tough, flawed woman and what it's like to take care of someone so unpredictable, to live in such an extreme uncertainty. The impression you're left with is one of incredible vitality, humor and earthiness as a human being, qualities that that enabled her to fully engage in the place life dumped her.

Anybody who has a serious mental illness in the family will recognize so much of this. Yet as such a person myself, I was surprised how the opposite of 'triggering' it was. Not reassuring, exactly, though yes, it was--because Feldman and her family are surviving it, each shattered in his or her own way, pulling each other together again. Not only because of Nick's illness but the individual problems exacerbated by the stress on the family. It is reassuring and desperate and knowing and honest, allowing to be said out loud things many have thought and experienced without talking about it--as if to talk about it would make it worse, would make it more real.

In the process, Feldman continues working her mural painting business, begins fine-art painting again after a long hiatus, and develops a yoga and a meditation practice which is never presented as a panacea, but as a strengthening to face life. She undergoes physical illness, as do other family members. A person who never wanted to rely on others, Feldman finds herself reaching out--to friends, to family, and to strangers. She shares. She overshares. She keeps a lid on it. Sometimes help comes in the form of someone in the street, a waitress at a fast food place her son goes to, a daughter, a medical person--but just as often, she's fighting her way through the maze of what's left of our disastrous mental health system--Kaiser its own labyrinth--and Social Security--when she's not trying to keep her son on his medication and in an apartment.

One of the most difficult things is for Feldman to really accept is that her son will be "right" again. He will be mentally ill for the rest of his life. He was an exceptionally talented, handsome, charismatic young person, and she sees glimpses of that from time to time, and it raises her hopes that THAT Nick will return. But only when she lets go her illusions of returning to a picture-perfect life, a super-achiever Nick who goes on to college and marriage and a full life, can she embrace the Nick she's got, the life she's got, and move forward for herself and her family.

There's her marriage, her husband whose response to the son's break is altogether different from Feldman's---he and the son had been very close before the break, but now he pulls away, his son's illness is too painful for him to interact with. Their two daughters have their own strengths and their own issues--one becomes the little mother, while the youngest suffers the absence of her mother in the years the brother demanded so much attention, and develops difficulties of her own.

What's lovely about the book is that it reads like a novel--the ups and downs, the complex of characters, the layers of motivations, and such beautiful writing which brings us into Feldman's world and keeps us there. Here is a bit from the beginning, as sixteen year old Nick begins to show signs of trouble, calling her at 4:45 a.m. from a party in Topanga which the father did not want him attending:

" 'I just need you to come get me.' It was still dark when I left the house. Los Angeles is a big, full city, but at certain times it shimmers like an empty stage set, waiting for the show to start."

And so it does.. ...more

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Jul 03, 2020 The Nerd Daily rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Originally published on The Nerd Daily | Review by Beth Mowbray

In He Came In With It: A Portrait of Motherhood and Madness, artist Miriam Feldman expands into writing by sharing very personal experiences with her son’s mental illness as well as the greater impacts on the entire family.

Growing up Nick was a bright, shining light in Feldman’s family. Intelligent and creative, with a great big heart, he charmed those around him and showed great promise as a budding young artist. As he grew into his ...more

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Nov 19, 2020 Jennifer rated it it was amazing

Shelves: audiobook, netgalley

Audiobook for me and I really enjoyed the narrator. One of the best I’ve heard. Highly recommend it.
This is my second book on schizophrenia and I loved it.
I’m originally from California so I clearly understand all of the story and the places in this book.
I was moved by the authors honesty. Watching her take me through her tough decisions, such as.
*Banning her son from the house.
*His Homelessness because of it.
*Drugs use.
*The Violence, and so much more.

I completely understood her tantrum ...more

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Aug 04, 2020 Debbi rated it really liked it · review of another edition

At about the half-way point Miriam describes being at a party where someone asks about her son, Nick. Two hours later everyone has cleared out and she is still talking. I could relate, at the 2/3 point I had to put the book aside. I couldn't spend more time with her family. The book is intense, it's one damn thing after another. There is never any rest or breathing room. In a way, this relentlessness is effective, but I was overwhelmed. I needed less.
This book could be a lifesaver for anyone goi ...more

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Aug 23, 2020 Charly rated it really liked it · review of another edition

I finished this book the same day as Mental: Lithium, Love, and Losing My Mind, which was A Lot. Both books deal with unraveling minds among the Jewish-American Bohemian Bourgeoisie set in Los Angeles. Both could only have been written by members of the upper-middle class. A searing indictment of our contemporary society. ...more

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Dec 20, 2020 Amie's Book Reviews rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Miriam and Craig seem to have it all. Fulfilling and rewarding careers as successful artists, four amazing kids and a beautiful home in a great area of L.A. Their lives are blessed ... at least, that was how it seemed until suddenly their son, their beautiful, artistic, intelligent and sociable son, Nick, started behaving strangely.

Thus began a multi-year odyssey into the world of mental illness and the search for someone, anyone, who could help Nick, and the rest of the family cope with his Sc ...more

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Dec 20, 2020 Amie's Book Reviews rated it it was amazing

Shelves: best-sellers, diversity, netgalley, non-fiction-psychology, non-fiction, biographies-auto-biographies, award-winning-nonfiction, mental-health, non-fiction-relationships, drama

This is a fabulous Audiobook and should be on every adult's #mustread list.

Go to http://bit.ly/SchizophreniaMom to read the full review and to see pictures of the author and her son Nick who has #schizophrenia

Thanks to #NetGalley for providing me with a free copy of this #audiobook ...more

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Jul 19, 2020 Randye Kaye rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Miriam Feldman’s wonderful book will be released tomorrow, and I highly recommend it.

Ever since my book was released (when there were very few memoirs around that dealt with schizophrenia in a child) they now seem to be everywhere. I have read many of them, and Miriam’s memoir stands out as not only relatable (I marked so many passages I almost ran out of ink) but also poetic, artistic, and funny. Miriam is an artist (murals and more) by trade, and her artistry definitely extends to the written ...more

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Jul 21, 2020 BookTrib.com added it · review of another edition

When a book, in this case a memoir, is heaped in praise before it even gets out of the gate, that’s usually reason for readers to take notice.

Read our full coverage here:
https://booktrib.com/2020/07/he-came-... ...more

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Sep 23, 2020 Sandra Cruze rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

O.k. So I’ve known this woman for a long. I know she can paint like nobody’s business, but write? I don’t know about you, but how many plays, poetry readings etc have you gone to and had to lie to a friend because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings? Miriam is my friend and she has writen a book. So of course I bought it.
Started reading early in the evening. By 6 pm I canceled everything I was supposed to do and kept reading until I was finished, somewhere around 3 am in the morning.
It read ...more

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Sep 27, 2020 Julie Prendiville rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This important memoir gives us a window into living with a family member who is suffering with mental illness---in this case, a son, Nick. Told by his mother, Miriam Feldman, it's a story we are woefully unfamiliar with in our society, as we continue to sweep mental health away, out of our sight. Feldman holds her life up to us, in full view, warts and all, as she skillfully navigates us through one harrowing, humorous, and moving scenario after another. We, the reader, can't help but fall in wi ...more

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Jan 20, 2021 Hillary rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: read-2021

This book reminded me of a lot of what my family has gone through. I like that the author was able to elaborate on all the various emotions and experiences that families go through related to a loved one with mental illness on top of everything else life throws at us.

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Aug 14, 2020 Morgan Von Gunten rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Nick's life isn't the way anyone expected it to be. Born into a family of artists, his parents dreamed about his future. You see him grow up. Then you see a shattering, and you see his mother—my grandma—trying to put together the pieces, wondering if everything was already broken.

Nick is my uncle. One of my strongest memories of him is of a day he carefully read a story to my siblings and me. I asked him why he paused at every period. He said, "Because that's the way it's supposed to be."

I have Nick's life isn't the way anyone expected it to be. Born into a family of artists, his parents dreamed about his future. You see him grow up. Then you see a shattering, and you see his mother—my grandma—trying to put together the pieces, wondering if everything was already broken.

Nick is my uncle. One of my strongest memories of him is of a day he carefully read a story to my siblings and me. I asked him why he paused at every period. He said, "Because that's the way it's supposed to be."

I have never been able to wrap my brain around what it is that plagues my uncle's mind. What is schizophrenia? What is it like to live with it? Seeing Nick from my grandmother's eyes, reading his poetry—this book offers a perspective that leaves me reeling and longing for hope.

This memoir is a poignant intertwining of memories—of Nick, his parents, his sisters, the people around him who entered and left, who entered and stayed. It is unashamedly honest. You will step through the doorframe and enter the house. It will not always look the way you wish. My grandma's artist's hands will shape a story for you of the things that both break us and change us: disease, depravity, loss, love. You will walk beside her, you will laugh and cry.

"As it progressed, the script got sloppier, and he changed colored pencils often. The poems became blatant calls for help. Requests for another chance. Promises of reformation. Then he started writing on anything. His sentences no longer held level; they curved downward, as if falling off the page.

"After a while, if you're lucky,
you'll find that as an artist you'll
arrive at a flow that is
your style of painting.
And, sticking to it, you'll develop a sort of font
that can be recognized as
something you've written."

– He Came in with It, poem by Nick

This book is beautifully written. Her masterful command of the English language is evident on every page. The tension between mother and son, hope and despair drives the story forward until you are on the edge of your seat. The story captivated me, the writing. My grandma's examination of past events puts into words the fears that often circle through my own mind: if we had done differently, would we be where we are today? There are warnings and questions, and you are reminded Nick's story still continues.

As I closed the book, in all these stories, I saw a thread. A cry for something more. A hope that pain cannot be all there is to life. A deeper work that is not always wished for but desperately needed. I was reminded of how we do not wish for pain; yet, through it, we are taught lessons that would never take root in our hearts otherwise.

Keep writing, Grandma. I love you! ...more

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Apr 29, 2020 Leslie Lindsay rated it really liked it · review of another edition

A deeply profound and troubling story about one family's struggle with their son's devolve into a severe mental illness, and yet, it's hopeful and unifying.

Miriam Feldman, an artist, a mother, writer, a mental health advocate, and so much more invites the reader into her chaotic, heart-breaking, but hugely honest and authentic life raising a son with schizophrenia in HE CAME WITH IT (Turner Publishing, June 23 2020).

I'm no stranger to mental illness. My mother died by suicide five years ago af ...more

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Aug 22, 2020 Meg rated it really liked it · review of another edition

I was initially drawn to this book as a mental health professional. When you work in this field, it seems one can never get enough stories and personal experiences. Each person's testimony helps create a clearer picture of the onset, progression, and lifetime of the diagnosis while also reinforcing the understanding that each person's experience is his/her/their own.
Miriam writes an honest depiction of what its like to raise a son with Schizophrenia. Just saying that word can bring to mind all ...more

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Nov 30, 2020 Kali Cannizzaro rated it really liked it

He Came In With It is a bold observation of a son’s dizzying descent into schizophrenia. More than that, it is an unflinching look at his mother’s experience with this life-changing journey.

The author shines a bright light on her thoughts and actions as a mother. The self-reflection is raw and often unflattering. It is clear that she was often angry at her son and her other children for their shortcomings, likely fueled by a mother’s difficulty mourning lost dreams and expectations. The anger w ...more

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Aug 04, 2020 Jeffrey Anthony rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This an unrelenting fast paced memoir into that brings to life the devastation caused by a family members decent into schizophrenia.

The writing is vivid, real, and I felt as if I was experiencing the frustration, heartbreak, redemption, confusion, upyielding hope the entire time.

I can envision this memoir as a must read for family members who live with a loved one who has schizophrenia. Much in the same way people who enter AA find comfort, solace, and strength sharing their stories with people ...more

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Sep 27, 2020 Barbara Lazaroff rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I was profoundly moved reading Miriam Feldman's masterpiece of story telling, He Came in With It, which is a raw and honest mother's memoir of her remarkably intelligent and talented artist son Nick's decline into the dark chasm of schizophrenia. It chronicles decades of her courageous fight to keep him afloat in America's severely broken mental health system. I laughed out loud, cried more than once, and was at moments profoundly shocked. Mental illness is still often a taboo discussion and one ...more

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Sep 27, 2020 Karla Ahmanson rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

He Came With It is a poignant memoir of a mother's (indeed, the whole family) struggle with her son's mental illness. I expected that I would cry by the end of this book. I expected that sadness would overwhelm me. But instead, I came away with hope.

The writing is beautiful and the reader feels like she is going through every instance right along with Miriam. It is because of Miriam and her strength, perseverance and unconditional love that the book ends with hope.

Thank you. Miriam, for shinni ...more

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Aug 18, 2020 Carolynhar added it · review of another edition

This is a brutally honest, funny story of a journey through raising a child who is descending into a mental health nightmare. I was impressed by the author's take on the story and how it mirrored my own journey with raising my child who has suffered a traumatic brain injury. While she does not have the same mental illness, parenting issues are remarkably similar. It was refreshing to hear that there are others who have been through the same things and to find out that you are not alone in this p ...more

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Oct 20, 2020 Kim Bowers rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I’ve read a lot of great memoirs this year, but this one stood out.

Miriam is an artist, mother and spouse. The story centers on her relationships, mainly with her son who has schizophrenia. I think reading how she navigated her own feelings surrounding the diagnosis and life shifts after would be relatable to anyone who has cared for a family member in any capacity. I also found interesting (and terribly sad) how she mentally created a version of her son to help her cope.

Also, the Book Descript ...more

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Oct 08, 2020 Lucy Margaret rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This is a book about a beautiful boy suffering from mental illness and the story that Miriam wrote about it is quite moving. A heart-wrenching tale of schizophrenia and what it can do to not just one person, but his or her entire family. The book is moving, informative, sad, heartbreaking, funny and occasionally even hilarious. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you learn. I highly recommend this book to anybody on the prowl for a book you won’t be able to put down for more than a minute. Read this book! ...more

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Aug 01, 2020 Mindy Greiling rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I wish Miriam lived in my state of Minnesota. Her big open heart and sense of humor displayed fully in her beautifully written book would be welcome here or anywhere families who have children with schizophrenia like hers and mine are trying to cope.
This book also illustrates differences in two state mental health systems. More than any other illness, it matters where you live for serious mental illness.

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Sep 23, 2020 Stacy Herman rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This is a heartbreaking and beautiful book that also had moments that made me laugh out loud. Miriam Feldman’s story of the pain and frustration of desperately trying to save one child from mental illness while holding the rest of her family together is told with brutal honesty. How our broken mental healthcare system has made it nearly impossible to help the most vulnerable people in our society should concern us all. This is a book that every parent should read.

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Sep 23, 2020 Stephanie Sourapas rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

With unflinching honesty, this is a searing portrait of lives that are upended after a mental health crisis. It's an important read too, as the state of mental health facilities and services in the US are currently very dismal. I hope this book can illustrate how important it is for the topic to be mainstream and not hidden in shame. Kudos to the author for her beautiful writing that so captures this misunderstood disease. ...more

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Oct 08, 2020 Marie Wexler rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Miriam was so honest and raw with her journey with her son Nick's struggle with schizophrenia. She did not sugar coat any of the struggles she went through and somehow managed to have a sense of humor while tending to him. This book gave me so much insight into what it is like to have a child with mental illness. I applaud all of the parents out there who have children with mental illness and have so much empathy for their daily struggle. ...more

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Oct 08, 2020 Jack rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

You won’t be able to put this book down. An exhilarating tale of a loving family and their reality of dealing with their son being diagnosed with schizophrenia. It’s a roller coaster ride of a read: full of trauma, humor and compassion. Whether you’re familiar with mental illness or not, you will be captivated by Mimi’s story as she uncovers the awful truths of our mental health system and tells you her family’s tale.

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Sep 22, 2020 Veronica rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

An amazing book! So well written, and so relatable as a mother with an young male adult schizophrenic child. I felt she was telling the world the story of what we have gone through and are still experiencing as a family. It made me feel like I was not alone in this world, someone else had gone through the very same feelings and experiences. Thank you Miriam, for writing this book!

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Jul 29, 2020 Paria Hassouri rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This was a beautiful but difficult read. Miriam describes the impact of her son’s schizophrenia on the entire family with complete honesty and transparency. Miriam’s evolution during the difficult ten years is beautiful. Her love for Nick shines through it all. Definitely worth reading.

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About Miriam Feldman

Miriam Feldman

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Miriam Feldman is a painter, writer, and mother originally from Los Angeles, California. After her son, Nick's, diagnosis with Schizophrenia more than ten years ago, she began writing to document and explore the ways this new reality affected her relationship with her children, her husband, and herself. Her memoir, He Came in With It, explores issues of motherhood, mental illness and the politics ...more

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