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336 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 26, 2019
I constantly checked my phone throughout the afternoon, but neither my mom nor Leland has texted me.Police Chief Henry's joking attempt to set Jackson up with a cute, new detective, which went horribly wrong. For Henry.
My only conclusion is that Leland has killed my mother and is trying to hide the body.
“I bet Henry likes being the little spoon,” Jackson supplies.And a maid in leather boy shorts and a fishnet shirt, who'd apparently never seen a bottle of Windex before. P.S., I ended up freaking *loving* Cassel so hard.
“Jackson… I used to like you, but I see now that you’ve fallen for Leland’s… delusions,” Henry says.
I nod, approving of this. “I have tainted him.”
“I like being tainted,” Jackson says.
“Especially in the butthole, right?” I ask.
“He’s a housekeeper! You told me I was rich enough to hire a housekeeper, so I did!”My only real criticism of the completely OTT comedy was the Sasquatch costume, which oh boy, tiptoed about six inches over the "trying a bit hard" line for my own personal tastes.
“I… and he came wearing that?” I ask skeptically.
“I was told I would get five extra dollars an hour if I dressed like a ho,” he says with a broad smile.
“Well, wouldn’t you rather him look like this than wear those gaudy uniforms they usually have on?��� Leland asks.
“Sure…” I say skeptically. “And what’s your name?”
“Kris…toper?” he asks uncertainly.
“It’s Kristofferson,” Leland says. “I named him too.”
“Oh my god. Did you hire a housekeeper or a slave?” I ask.
Kristofferson Not Kristofferson waves me off. “Dude, he’s giving me a lot of money. He can name me anything he wants.”
"How are you so fast? I literally stopped to tie my shoe and you had time to break a door in, chase a man, and get halfway across town before I stood up!"
And… did you seriously run that far, and you’re not out of breath?”
“Not in the slightest. You should see this guy, though. I think he’s dying.”
“Don’t kill the guy.”
“I know. I only made that mistake one time.”
“Leland… wait… what?”
“I’m joking. He was fine. I only thought I killed him.”
The door flings open so hard that Mason and I both jump.
“Get your holes out and dicks ready, for I have arrived,” Leland shouts as he bursts through the front door laden down with bags.
“He’s a housekeeper! You told me I was rich enough to hire a housekeeper, so I did!”
“I… and he came wearing that?” I ask skeptically.
“I was told I would get five extra dollars an hour if I dressed like a ho,” he says with a broad smile.
“Well, wouldn’t you rather him look like this than wear those gaudy uniforms they usually have on?” Leland asks.
“Sure…” I say skeptically. “And what’s your name?”
“Kris…toper?” he asks uncertainly.
“It’s Kristofferson,” Leland says. “I named him too.”
“Oh my god. Did you hire a housekeeper or a slave?” I ask.
Kristofferson Not Kristofferson waves me off. “Dude, he’s giving me a lot of money. He can name me anything he wants.”
When we reach the fence, I look up at the barbed wire. “It’s your archnemesis. What are you going to do?” Cassel asks as he motions at the fence.
I narrow my eyes. “Leland told you about that?” He grins. “First thing he said to me.”
"I send him pictures of you all the time. It’s how we bond,” I say as I scroll up. “Here’s a picture of your butt.” It’s a picture I’d taken when I’d yanked the shower curtain open and snapped it really quickly, almost as he was projecting his way through the ceiling.
“You picked him,” Henry says. “You were literally faced with a deranged hitman and went ‘I think I’ll spend the rest of my life with that man there!’”
I constantly checked my phone throughout the afternoon, but neither my mom nor Leland has texted me.
My only conclusion is that Leland has killed my mother and is trying to hide the body.
“I think that woman might have been hired by . She is evil.”
“That’s Jackson’s mom,” Leland says.
Cassel looks at me with pity in his eyes. “Dude… I’m sorry.”
“She’s not that bad!”
“She once told Jackson that she saw me at the doctor, so I’m probably keeping some sexual disease hidden from him,” Leland says. “I told her I had crabs and that I rubbed them all over her toilet seat. She scrubbed that thing for days.”