Love That Works: The Art And Science Of Giving

by Bruce Brander, Sheri Sanders

This original, highly readable book poses a clear distinction between our customary form of love, which almost guarantees failure, and higher, more generous ways of loving that can succeed and enrich both individuals and society as a whole. Love That Works draws on history, psychology, and the theology and science of love to offer a proposal on how to be successful in love and romance. It starts by showing why love fails to meet expectations, often ending sadly or even tragically.

176 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1998

Reviews

[Bruce Brander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Praise for LOVE THAT WORKS
by Bruce Brander

“Bruce Brander has written an absolutely splendid book which highlights the many problems associated with a culture that primarily thinks of love in the context of fleeting romantic attractions....Like a good physician, Brander offers a cure in the form of a much broader concept of love....”
—Dr. Stephen G. Post, professor of biomedical ethics in the school of medicine, Case Western Reserve University, and president of the Institute for Research on Unlimited Love

“I have over thirty books in my personal library that deal with some aspect of love and without any exaggeration this is one of the finest I have read....This book will become required reading for my students. I know that anybody who wants to experience love at deeper, richer, and more meaningful levels will clearly benefit from...[this] wonderful and much-needed book....”
—Dr. Gary J. Oliver, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies and professor of psychology and practical theology at John Brown University

“What is most appealing and distinctive about [this] book is its emphasis on love as a high human endeavor and as an ethical discipline.”
—Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project, Rutgers University

“Love That Works is a lively, well-crafted text that delves into the rich, multiple meanings of love....Unsurprisingly, many of Brander’s sources fall within, or grow out of, the Christian tradition. But this is a book for everyone.”
—Dr. Jean Bethke Elshtain, professor of social and political ethics, University of Chicago

“Love is arguably the most important topic for any society at any time, and
Bruce Brander's treatment of the topic is arguably the most intelligent and provocative one in recent years.”
—Dr. Norval D. Glenn, professor of sociology and American studies at the University of Texas in Austin

Love That Works’ “journalistic approach is just what I needed (and what others need) to help re-frame the idea of romantic love in relationship to the ‘higher’ loves.”
—Robert F. Lehman, president, the Fetzer Institute, Kalamazoo, Michigan

“Bruce Brander's pioneering essay on love...introduce[s] the kinds of nuance and complexity that have up to now been missing from studies of love....the landscape of love comes alive in ways that are new, but that we can all recognize. I recommend it for the intelligent lay audience; but also for social scientists and mental health professionals interested in human attachment and its vicissitudes.”
—Dr David Gutmann, emeritus professor, division of psychology, Feinberg school of medicine, Northwestern University

Love That Works makes “excellent points...about the importance and necessity of building the kind of marriage that matures love by focusing on mutual service rather than self-gratification. [Brander] make[s] very subtle observations in very simple language, always the mark of a good thinker and writer.”
—Dana Mack, senior fellow at the Center for Education Studies, and co-editor of The Book of Marriage: The Wisest Answers to the Toughest Questions

“Love That Works is a provocative, thoughtful, and engaging look at the most profound of human experiences. With scintillating prose, Bruce Brander will take you on a fascinating journey that is sure to expand your mind and touch your heart. You owe it to yourself—and your love life—to read this book.”
—Dr. Les and Dr. Leslie Parrott, co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development, department of psychology, Seattle Pacific University, and authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

“Provocative and lively, [Love That Works] ranges widely over many disciplines and historical sources. I think many people, especially the young, will benefit from [its] thoughtful analysis of love....I read [Love That Works] as a study on how to produce complete love.”
—Dr. Steven L. Nock, professor of sociology, University of Virginia, and director of Marriage Matters

"Mr. Brander brings a varied and rich background to his examination of the way we love....he places our current problems of loving in context so that we can understand how we got here. Then he offers suggestions as to how to love so that it works, it lasts. A message for our particular time...."
—Dr. Katherine Spaht , professor of law, Louisiana State University at Baton Rouge, and drafter of Louisiana’s 1997 covenant marriage legislation

“Love That Works will make a significant and well-received contribution to the contemporary discussion of relationship and marriage....This book can provide essential background to those studying relationships in their own lives and in our society. Loves That Works also will provide hope and a vision.”
—Dr. Barbara Markey, clinical psychologist specializing in marriage and family counseling, and associate director, Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University

[Ben Donahower · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was really something. I picked it up out of desperation: I had a News Year's resolution to read 20 books, so I had to supplement with some audio books. I picked up this and a half dozen others. With that in mind, I didn't realize that this was a book written from a Christian perspective. Though I'm a practicing Christian and may be bias by that, I think it's worth reading regardless of your Faith.

What I thought was most compelling about Love That Works is the historical portions of the book. It considers historical conceptions of love, love in other cultures, and what love came to mean what it does in western, mainstream culture.

Then, the book went into the standard divisions of love that Christians, perhaps others, speak. I'm going to change the words here for clarity in ascending order of value: aesthetic/erotic, friendship, and unconditional/selfless love. Brander argues that the not only are marriage/interpersonal relationships squarely within the eros form of love; they are a perversion of it. Our marriage relationship are about personal enjoyment whether through sex, money, or just someone that you enjoy their company. Eros is as much about personal proclivities as it is about appreciating beautiful art for example.

Brander mixes in a number of studies and facts that support his historical claims and current trends while also offering evidence that a conventional Christian understanding of marital relationships, no cohabitating or sex prior to marriage, etc. are the healthiest and most meaningful ideal. It's important to note, however, that several of his sources are some Christian organizations that have a vested interest in finding facts that would support this type of marital relationship. That said, Brander knits together a plausible worldview with both empirical and normative claims.

Ultimately, he asks the reader to work on your understanding of love and grow in your ability to love unconditionally. This was a powerful call to action! I've read many books on love, including other love is a verb-type books that I would include this one in (at least partially), that don't mention hide nor hair of practicing love, growing your capacity to love, and creating a habit of unconditional love.

[Siri · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book didn't deliver the promise i expected of having tools for loving unconditionally. It did, however, give a most fascinating and informing history of love, sex and other aspects of relationship and how the various forms have impacted society. That made the book all worth it. That background informs decisions going forward as it is backed by solid research. As a book on CD to listen to between stops in my car, it was worth it. If i'd had to dedicate the time it would take to read it in hardcover i likely would have fallen short of finishing the book or would have been left slightly disappointed.

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's got a weirdly preachy vibe, VERY JUDGMENTAL. Infuriatingly disguised as self-help. Cannot finish.

Basically we'd all be happier if there was only one heteronormative lifestyle and kids were raised in two-parent married households and nobody ever got married without having kids or had kids without beyond married or got divorced or lived together out of wedlock, and gay people didn't exist. It's not said outright but the hints are BIG and BOLD.

[Tom Sutton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting thoughts, well researched and very well written, but consider it as an extended essay on the nature of marriage and what the author thinks suits people best.