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How to Be a Footballer

4.19  ·  Rating details ·  2,245 ratings  ·  150 reviews

'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times

'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro

**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year**
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards**
**Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**

You become

Kindle Edition, 304 pages
Published September 2019 by Ebury Digital
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Average rating 4.19  · 
Rating details
 ·  2,245 ratings  ·  150 reviews

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Yousif Al Zeera
Dec 29, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: nonfiction
Unlike what you would expect from a book written by a footballer where the focus on the football itself, this book covers as much the non-footballing aspects of footballers (their flashy sports-cars, homes, clothes, haircuts, tattoos, superstitions, music, hotels, endorsements, dressing-rooms, team bus, etc.). Not heavily comical but written/read in a humorous engaging way, I would say.

Very entertaining read. Never recalled being bored in any of its parts. Very honest and not sensationalist.
Nov 16, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A fun book full of anecdotes from the 20+ years of his mixed career in football. Not so much a biography but funny stories that will amuse and avid football follower.
I enjoyed reading this and found it easy to dip in and out of while doing other things, not a classic but certainly an entertaining read and left me wanting to read is follow up book.
Jan 11, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
3.5 stars

I had to read this as a Stoke fan. Love Crouchy!
The Grim Reader
Sep 20, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Peter Crouch is a very funny man and his autobiography, How to Be a Footballer is a little different from your standard autobiography fare. It reads as a series of anecdotes instead of the usual tale of a footballer's childhood, growth through the youth teams to signing the first major contract, to international fame. The book jumps around and gives you an excellent insight into the crazy world that is professional football. Tales about cars, haircuts, tattoos, teammates all laced with great ...more
Sumit Singla
Witty and self-deprecating on almost every page, this is a delightful book to kick off the new year with. Peter Crouch, in his trademark style, walks you through some of the idiosyncrasies of a footballer's life.

As a Liverpool fan, I've always had a lot of regard for his uncontroversial presence, a focus on always doing the best he could, and respecting the jersey he wore. For a player who has provided some brilliant moments with some completely unbelievable goals, and yet been described as
Will Irwin
If you like James Corden and think A League Of Their Own is funny, then you’ll love this pile of rubbish. The first quarter is literally just Crouch trying to be funny. It eventually develops into slightly more interesting insights but by and large this is a book that could have been written by an 8 year old.
david chryssides
5 stars if you haven't heard the podcasts, 3 if you have.

A lot of the material is identical to stuff in the podcasts. Would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't just listened to them.
Jan Šimak
Sep 02, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I have always had some liking for Mr. Crouch, but after reading the book I have to say I love the guy.

The book is written in informal style, giving us all the inside information about English football, clubs, players and background staff. Mr. Crouch gave us an honest and truthful view on how it is to be a professional footballer in England. You can see how the players start their careers, what happens when you start earning wage as a footballer and, of course, what happens when you start
Cathal Kenneally
Not all football books are funny, but then again not all footballers are funny. Based on an idea from his podcasts, Peter Crouch tries his hand at writing and it works very well.
This isn't your normal football autobiography but more of a list of little subjects; he gives very good analogies on each whether they're managers, players and a lot more besides. The book has received glowing reviews and I'm not surprised
May 02, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Great book, Peter's more of a regular guy than any regular guy you may know!
Nov 09, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A great read, very fun and readable. Always had a soft spot for Crouchie from his days at Liverpool.
David Milburn
Aug 26, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Entertaining and enjoyable
I finally get why my boyfriend likes him so much. Funny read.
Jamie Johnston
Aug 27, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Enjoyable from start to finish, an interesting insight into two very different generations
Simon Adams
Nov 05, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Not as funny as I expected, or maybe I’d just heard most of the best anecdotes through That Peter Crouch Podcast, but an easy and enjoyable read nonetheless.
Jun 10, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Best for:
People who enjoying playing or watching football, especially the men’s game, especially the English Premier League.

In a nutshell:
Professional football (soccer) player Peter Crouch offers a glimpse into the lives of professional players, including what goes on in the changing rooms, what it’s like to be traded (sold) to another team, and why so many seem to buy such … interesting cars.

Worth quoting:
“You should probably be able to absorb the pain of an opposition goal without needing to
Pete Davis
Jan 09, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A light hearted and detailed insight into the lives of men who never have to grow up, living their dreams whilst earning more money than your company’s CEO. Crouch a man known for his robotic dance is anything but robotic in this one, combining humour with honesty and many stories you are unlikely to have heard before. One of my favourite takeaways was how simple gestures/actions can be widely misconstrued in the media, shaping peoples opinions in a way that doesn’t even vaguely reflect the ...more
Andy Lopata
Nov 15, 2018 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: abandoned
I want to like this, I really do. It’s had good reviews and is meant to be the funniest thing since Monty Python.
Maybe my expectations were set too high. Or maybe the reviewers were smoking something strong and sweet before reading.
There are moments of humour but generally I’ve read funnier obituaries and the writing style, trying to be chatty and informal, is tremendously lax.
I fancied something lightweight but this makes a feather seem heavy. Avoid.
Nov 10, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Top bloke

I have read lots of footballers autobiographies whilst this isn't an autobiographie as such it is a collection of very funny stories written with a degree of humility and wit that most top level footballers wouldn't be ab!e to achieve
Oct 26, 2019 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: football
This is essentially two books, a collection of anecdotes from Crouch's career and a compilation of lists you find on less reputable websites of the 'top 10 worst footballer tattoos' sort. The former were amusing and the latter a bit lazy for me, and unlike some ghostwritten books I was left with the feeling the writer had provided a fair bit of content, rather than just putting the subject's thoughts into a more coherent text.

Crouch has been a cult figure for some time, combining affability with
Nigel Kotani
Sep 30, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Ironically, this is a book of two halves. The first half is basically a hilarious expose of what happens when you take a bunch of kids, extend their childhoods by allowing them to play a game for a living and pay them inordinate amounts of money. It is laugh-out-loud funny on almost every page, as my wife will attest from having been in the same room as me while I've been reading. This section of the book is where it won its four stars from me, and it's entertaining enough that I think that even ...more
Nov 05, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
if you read this book in public you will laugh so much that you will get carted away for disturbing the public peace

Crouchie as I am sure Harry Redknapp calls him is not yer normal football player and this is not the usual footie book but it probably give more insight into the life of a footballer today than many other books . It pokes fun at all the worst excesses of flash players with their absurd fashion choices , pink Bentleys , nightclubs , adolescent behaviour and model girl friends at
I enjoyed this book more than I thought I would. As a football fan I’ve always liked Crouch and his personality shone through in this book making it a great and easy read for any person who likes football.

The way he talks in this book felt very truthful and at times hilarious with his stories of his time back playing, it was great to hear of the behind closed door stories of the madness which goes in a football players life which we do not see.

It was great to hear some of these stories, but at
Dec 24, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: sports, downloaded
This book was a must-read based solely on Peter Crouch’s tweets, and the book certainly didn’t disappoint. Even referencing his viral sensations at the end of the book, Peter’s personality and charisma gleamed from cover to cover.

I would often take a break from reading only to find myself picking it up again just five minutes later, and the stories continually proved entertaining without a dull chapter. Admittedly, being a football fan who remembers the likes of Djibril Cisse and Benoît
Jo Hurst
May 26, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This was a pleasant surprise. I was lent this by a friend with very good taste in non fiction books. I was assured that you don’t need to like football to enjoy this. He was right. This was brilliant, very funny, insightful and entertaining. I have periodically watched football at points in my life so was very aware of a lot but not all of the names mentioned, so the book also provided a lot of nostalgia. I was saddened to hear that Gillingham’s Priestfield ground was the worst to play away in ...more
Peter Kobryn
Jun 29, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: sport
An engaging and endearing book from Peter Crouch building upon his growing reputation as one of the more thoughtful and amusing footballers.

This isn't an autobiography as such, though there are details of reflection on his life and how his life as a footballer mapped out which are reflective and considered.

The rest of the book is a peek behind the curtain of premier league football from the late 90s to date , lots of detail that the football fan reader will find fascinating.

A fascinating career
Oct 15, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Crouchy's sense of humor can be gleaned from the title of the book. He makes it clear in no uncertain terms that this book is not about the tactical analysis or tips on what to do on a football field, but it's about the excesses that being a player brings.

If you were ever interested in what happens behind the velvet ropes and in the dressing room where these multi-millionaire kids hang out, this is certainly a must read. The anecdotes are told in a coherent manner with a dash of Chrouchy's
Trevor Hall
Sep 27, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Crouch makes a genuine attempt at answering the How To question that he sets himself. It’s a refreshing read simply because it’s not an autobiography. I appreciate his candour but his real skill is of course, his self-deprecating humour. I’d have liked to have seen a more in-depth opinion of subjects such as social media, dealing with sudden wealth and fame, and the role his wife played in keeping him grounded. Even though I’m a Liverpool fan, the final chapter on Gerrard was too sugary, and ...more
Jan 20, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I’ve read a fair few autobiographies and, on the whole, they tend to be underwhelming and follow more or less the same structure: Growing up, youth team, first team, England, retirement.
This was different. Crouch gives an insight into some of the things we wouldn’t know and also into the characters we think we know. He is both apologetic and unapologetic about the nature of modern footballers and gives good reason for both.
This was a truly enjoyable read and a breath of fresh air in the
Sep 23, 2019 rated it liked it
Hit and miss

I like Peter Crouch. He seems like a very nice fellow. If love to go for a couple of pints with him and hear a few stories.

One of the key stories in this book, however, is Peter buying an expensive jumper that he didn't really want to wear when he got it home. That's not exactly barnstorming behind the scenes action is it.

The chief problem with this i think is that Peter is too nice to really drop any of his former colleagues in it by divulging anything truly interesting. The final
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