The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

by M. Gary Neuman

The surprising findings from a groundbreaking study on cheating husbands

It's not all about sex, he's not just a pig, she's not prettier than you, and he really does feel terrible about what he's done. So why do men do it? In The Truth about Cheating, M. Gary Neuman shares the findings of his extensive research with unfaithful husbands that turn the conventional wisdom about extramarital affairs on its head. He reveals the emotional roots of male infidelity, explains how men experience and express their emotions differently from women, and lays out a simple series of actions you can take to ensure that your husband never strays. These steps help you build a deeper and more intimate relationship and a stronger, happier marriage that is more supportive and rewarding for both of you. Don't sit there wondering if your husband will ever cheat on you. Read The Truth about Cheating and make sure he won't.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Psychology, Self Help

240 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Bookfanatic · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have a great husband and good marriage. I received this through a book club I belong to. Otherwise I wouldn't have bought it for money. Basically the author lays the blame for infidelity in a marriage at the feet of the betrayed spouse, which in this book is the wife. Did you not give him enough emotional attention? Did you focus too hard on your career or the children? Perhaps you just didn't think sex was important? Did you fail to give enough admiration and attention? Have you neglected to take care of your appearance?

I think those are all legitimate reasons why a marriage crumbles and we should all remember to not take our spouses for granted, but the overall tone of this book is to make the spouse being cheated on do all the heavy lifting and hard work of shoring up the marriage. It just didn't sit right with me. What about the needs and wants of the betrayed spouse? They didn't stray despite not having their desires met. Regardless of how bad a marriage is, the cheater has a choice. Infidelity is ultimately a choice by the cheater. The burden of keeping someone from straying shouldn't be on the other spouse.

[Ebony · Rating 1 out of 5]

The book is generally about what women can do to prevent their husbands from straying. The jacket reads, “Don’t sit there wonder if your husband will ever cheat on you. Read The Truth About Cheating and make sure he won’t.” It’s such an obvious marketing ploy I was already turned off. Plus, it’s by a man who has never been a woman. And when he describes his commitment to his work as a therapist and a rabbi, I wondered how much time he spent at home with his family. The book generally infuriated me because it made several assumptions. 1) The book assumes there are no masculine women who dote on their husbands and give them the requisite attention and still feel like they aren’t “winning.” Yes, men are gendered to win, but so are some women, but the book assumes they don’t exist. There’s very much a men and women are so, so different angle here. No surprise; it’s what sells the book. 2) The book assumes that women need to be married. Where are the women who say lying is lying and I won’t tolerate it? There is actually an okay to lie on pages 199-200. Where are the couples with strong standards? I guess those people wouldn’t buy this book. If I have to put a GPS system under my husband’s car so I can feel secure about our marriage I’d rather be alone, but that point of view is linked to the third assumption. 3) Wives are homemakers or women with traditionally gendered female jobs who have nothing else to do and everything to lose without their husbands. Again, this marks a very specific economic audience. The wives have nannies and what not—not your average household. I can’t really make an ethnicity claim because there were no obviously ethnic names but I’m sure they were changed to appear as mainstream as possible. So yeah, the book is for feminine females who desperately need to be married at all costs probably because they are unemployed with lots of kids—you know, the Oprah audience, and yes, he was a huge hit on the show. He kept saying he was not blaming the victim, but the focus on what women should do to keep their men was so totally gendered I grew weary of it. The learning to talk to yourself about the voices in your head was really interesting, though. Neuman totally misses the mark when he assumes that men and women don’t need the same things, though. He writes as if women never get dissatisfied in their relationships because of what the husbands do and yet not as many of them cheat. A woman on Oprah asked him about this and his flippant response was sure this can happen but tell him how you feel while you’re having sex. Sex is not the main reason why men cheat but it is like the second highest. The first is emotional disconnection, but frequent sex should help with the emotional disconnection. Men just want someone to listen and respond like a lover and not a mother. Sure, women want someone to listen and respond like a lover and not a father, but what the women want isn’t totally accounted for. The most bullshit argument is when he says men are underappreciated because they have more family responsibility than they used to couple that with working and men are stressed and need extra love. I mean, I guess it makes sense in a world where wives aren’t working, but in the real world that’s suspect for sure.

[Jostalady · Rating 4 out of 5]

After seeing the author nearly get mobbed by angry women on Oprah, my interest was piqued. I kept seeing it come through the library, in high demand, so I skimmed it. I was very upset by what I read that day so I didn't pick it up again for a long time.
As another commenter smartly added, I too must put the disclaimer that I have a very faithful husband. The idea that there were men out there who would, could and DO cheat disturbed me. Then I read Sex at Dawn that outlines the science of how we are not meant to be monogamous for life and we need to start reviewing our beliefs about cheating so that it doesn't need to tear apart families and hurt so many people. Suddenly this book seemed like the counter balance to that perspective that my husband was begging me to put on the scales. This book turned out to be different than I expected, different than the ladies in Oprah's audience that day expected, different than the piece I had skimmed that day that had made me angry.

This book is useful for PREVENTION of cheating, improving your marriage, and understanding your husband. In retrospect it is right there in the subtitle. If you are a victim of cheating, the author advises therapy and not to rely on this book. I personally think you will not be able to appreciate the insights here if you are a hurting and angry victim of cheating. I got upset at many points in this book and I don't know what it feels like to be cheated on. The "truth" is hard to swallow sometimes. The premise that most women will never know their husband had or is having an affair, and the best we can do is be amazing, generous, grateful and loving-kind of Bedford wife perfect, to hope to draw him back to you kind of makes me ill.
Oh there's more that really ticked me off...
The suggestion that I have to muster up genuine gratitude if my husband spent money we definitely don't have, on jewelry I don't want. To be kind and grateful that he came home, even if he was missing for hours and hours after he was expected with no contact. To be understanding and full of praise of how hard he has been working, and approach your hopes to spend vacation together in a very specific way, when he ditches you on your vacation together for an entire day to go fishing. Everything inside me screams "no, you will not treat me this way and be so irresponsible!" Nothing inside me says these are times to be a Bedford wife. What makes me even more upset? It WORKS! I tested out the wording the author suggests in that vacation scenario and my husband LISTENED to my MY needs! I tried doing extra sweet things, and acknowledging his gestures more and that is going great too! All of these suggestions work. The author knows what he is talking about.
So here is where I am now. Ladies should go into this book early in their relationship, when things are good and you are still finding out what kind of relationship you are going to have. Picking up this book will be seen as kind of a joke. You two can joke about what will seem like ridiculous suggestions to you, since you haven't had any problems yet. Then you will never know what a big favor you've done for yourself because you will have avoided a lot of hurt feelings and finding things out the hard way. I recommend this to newly weds, engaged and those moving in together. It speaks to women who are involved with men, it supports the idea of monogamy as essential to trust in a relationship and does not excuse cheating as at first glance appeared to be doing. I would even suggest this book to the other woman in a triangle, because she will want to see what the surveys have to say about her, what the typical outcome is for the other woman, the impact of her behavior. It is eye opening all around.
I personally still lean with the science of how we are failing to be monogamous because we aren't meant to be monogamous. The mind set that it is a huge deal is why it is so damaging.

[Nikki · Rating 1 out of 5]

Everyone, including this author needs to look up @thatdarnchst and @cayleecresta on TikTok or insta NOW!!! They tackle the misogynistic idealization this book attempts to justify.

The book says “almost all men cheat and it’s YOUR FAULT LADIES!!!”. Say what?

One perfect example as why a man cheated for the first time in this book: it was his wife’s birthday(yippy!) and he and the kids wanted to bring her breakfast in bed that day so he and the kids get up early and let her sleep (awe), the kids wanted to take her popcorn(uh what?), the husband agrees(hey, maybe this lady LOVES popcorn and can eat it morning/noon and night, but I fucking doubt it), being a “normal dad”(guess neglectful is too on the nose) he burns the popcorn!(how there is a popcorn BUTTON on the microwave?), and he didn’t just slightly burn the kernels(though this jackass author pretends it’s so) oh no he caused them to start smoking so terribly the fire alarm goes off, at 6 AM, waking up the unsuspecting wife to the chaos he caused on her birthday probably when she just wanted to sleep longer! This “wife” got angry, and the husband took SUCH offense at her reaction to him fucking her day up SO BAD he went and fucked someone else. So the husband couldn’t remain faithful because he couldn’t parent his children, not make MORE work for his wife on her birthday, and didn’t get rewarded for attempting and utterly failing at being a good partner or father? Swell.

That’s the shit this and idiots who say “boys will be boys” spew around. Cheaters will cheat and there is nothing you can do(this book proves that) to prevent it! So how about we ask men to either not to pretend to be able to be faithful or be honest enough to tell their partner and let them decide if they want to remain with them or not.

Either way go follow those ladies and learn how to respond to people who believe women should changed everything for men and forgive them for their terrible behavior. Nope. That time is done, hope the author finds their videos too, it will help him a lot.

[Karen Oliver-Paull · Rating 5 out of 5]

I initially chose this book because I was curious. I grew up in a family where both my parents screamed at each other, screamed at me, and my mother was emotionally not there for me, ever. I've been depressed most of my life because of her making me think nothing I ever did was right and nothing my father ever did was right or enough or it was too much. We could never win. This book helped me see how I was repeating what my mother had done to my father, despite the fact I'd married a many who never raised his voice or hand to me. I don't see that this book puts the blame on the wife, but instead, helps her see how her family upbringing may have caused her to treat her husband as though he needs no emotional support and compassion. I hated how my mother treated my father, yet, I turned right around and did the same thing to my husband. We are molded by what we see as children, what we see in our friends and how our children feel about us. If you think this is about putting the blame on the wife you may have a shame issue stemming from your childhood.

[Hallveig Hörn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bookfanatic gefur mjög góða endursögn sem ég er sammála. Hræðileg bók, stundarbrjalæði að hafa ákveðið að hlusta á þessa bók.

[Halima]

I got this book to laugh :)

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dislaimer: My husband would want me to point out that (as far as I know) he has not cheated!! :o) I saw this book featured on Oprah and was curious enough to pick it up. Many close friends and family members have had an issue with this and I wanted to understand it better because it can be very hurtful to everyone involved. Plus, if there was any good advice on a good marriage, I am always open to improve. (This book would say that is one of the main reasons my husband has NOT cheated.) It had interesting statistics in it about the reasons men cheat. (The author understands that it is not only men that cheat, but this book is dedicated only to cheating husbands because they are the vast majority of cheaters.) Otherwise it is basic marital advice. It was a great reminder to always appreciate my husband and let him know that I do. Everyone needs to feel that in their marriage. I would only recommend this book to someone if they felt that their marriage may be headed in that direction or that they feel a void of intimacy in their marriage. Otherwise, it is just a reminder of what I do everyday anyway. **Also, this advice and the title could be taken very terribly. This book is a preventative book. It is not meant to guilt trip and blame people who have been cheated on. I could see that person getting angry while reading this book, although the author does a good job of every once in a while reminding the reader that he is not blaming and that there is no justification for cheating. So if you are dealing with a fresh affair, beware of reading this book. This is great for preventing an affair or improving your marriage after the initial anger and betrayal feelings have dissolved somewhat. Or, in my case, understanding and maybe even allowing a little empathy for the people who have cheated and ruined families around me.

[Victoria Ontiveros · Rating 3 out of 5]

I do recommend this book to those who are newlyweds, especially those who care for their marriage to have a long happy years. In this book gives you reasons why mean cheat along what they think while having an affair, therefore they have reviews from men who have been involved in such hurtful actions. Although there are ways to keep your marriage on a full faithful healthy way. This Book all comes down to TIME. The number one reason why women are likely to be cheated on is because they make no time for their loved one therefore proceeds men to go and attract attention from other ladies, women who give them that special feeling that their wife’s may not give them as before. But understand that Married women have other responsibilities then just to please their partners, they have bills, kids, family functions to worry about and may concentrate less on their loved partners. The second number one reason why men cheat is differences, because men are likely to want to be right 90% of the time, but there are some women who stand their ground and prove wrong which also causes conflict on the relationship. Especially when a couple disagrees on many things but of course there are going to be times that you just have to let the men take control. Yes in the book there are ways to prevent affairs. Such as COMMUNICATION. Talk to you’re loved on if something is on your mind, let them know if something is bothering you. Don’t hold it in because that is the start of frustration and anger towards your partner and the start of a fire that is going to burn like wild fire if you do not have communication. I do Highly Recommend this book to all types of relationships to know what you’re going up for.

[Adrienna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought I was really going to get to the nitty-gritty in this book. I heard him also on blogtalkradio with Alan Curry over a week ago. I thought it was a must-read book. However, I did not learn much from it as a single woman thinking about marriage. He gave examples and stories from people, but I skimmed through them. He lost me with the child voice; social voice; and home voice with each person's story towards the middle to end of the book. Back to the drawing board to find other books that give me what I want to know about why do men cheat. He only touched on one concept that made perfect common sense: women can tear men down with their smirk remarks (emotional distraught) to cause men to cheat, making them feel so low and another woman makes them feel good and listens to them. This happened to my sister, so this was common sense to me. And the sexual chapter, this did not take much to figure out either. People have lost insight on real marriage, how it is a sacred union between two people, and the Bible elaborates that our bodies become theres (we are supposed to have sex with our partner whenever they want it, no withdraws unless a woman is on her menustral). Yes this is in the Bible!

[Gloryseeker33 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm reading this because Oprah set it up so it could be downloaded after she had the author on. I wanted to see if I could load it onto my new Kindle. There was an option to save it as a text file from the pdf it was in that the kindle won't accept. It went into wordpad, and is readable, though the lines don't break right, leaving one long one short each time. Even though cheating is one of the things I never worry about with my husband, it is interesting to read the observations and stories of men who do and how that sheds light on some of the things men find satisfying or not in a relationship. Tonight it is my anniversary, and I have to say how thankful I am for a loving husband and for the relationship we have now that is the fruit of what I've learned over the years that includes much of what the author in this book describes as ways to build a relationship and a marriage

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author had a lot of good insight into how to keep your marriage alive and keep the focus on you as a couple. Many of it was common sense, but I think people often forget how important it is to make time for one another. Better to borrow it from the library than purchase it, but I would recommend it.

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a short read. Oprah offered it free on her web site, so I sat down with it and finished it within a day. It was insightful near the end when it gave marriage advice. Other than that, it was a little monotonous to get through. Overall, it's worth a few minutes of time.

[Nancyblueyes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting and full of what seems to be great information. Would recommend it to all my girlfriends.

listening to an audio-book so I don't see the worksheets but I'm more interested in the concepts anyway.... Really good so far.

[Ann · Rating 2 out of 5]

Free ebook from Oprah. I'm sure this book is not actually targeted for me, but hey, if it's free, I'll read it.

[Jamie · Rating 3 out of 5]

ITs good. A great perspective, if you are willing to make this leap and know that it takes two to make a marriage work.

[Char · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't learn anything new. LOL

[Suzanne Lorraine Kunz Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

Can you prevent infidelity by yourself? I think everyone would say no. Even this author states that 12% of men's say their infidelity had nothing to do with the marriage. I think that all of us would agree that there is nothing that one person can do to 100% guarantee a faithful marriage.

But that said, there are many things we can do to nourish our marriage. Things that we can do to show love to our spouses. Things we can do to create a happier home. Things we can do to strengthen ourselves and our marriage.

I think that many of the principles taught in this book usually would lead to a happier marriage. I love how the author says that no marriage problem justifies infidelity.

**Talking points - The author says his study says that 69% of men thought they would never be unfaithful to their spouse, how then did the infidelity happen? What situations make a person more prone to infidelity. What do you think the weaknesses are in your marriage? How can you both help strengthen them? Are you uncomfortable with any situations presently in your marriage? How can you better safeguard your marriage so both spouses feel safe and like they are the first priority?

**This book brings up many good things to consider and discuss. Happy reading and discussing<3

[Lissy Liz]

DNF