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You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

4.30  ·  Rating details ·  246 ratings  ·  173 reviews
At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation.
On social media, we shape our personal narratives.
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.

Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how.
...more
Hardcover, 288 pages
Published January 7th 2020 by Celadon Books
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    You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters
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    Release date: Jan 07, 2020
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    Average rating 4.30  · 
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     ·  246 ratings  ·  173 reviews


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    Debra
    Dec 19, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
    This is an easily readable, enjoyable and thought-provoking book. I know some may look at the name and think "What? A book about listening or not listening. How can that be interesting?" Well, it is. Working in a field that is all about listening, I found that this book reinforced, most of what I already knew and had been taught in graduate school, but it was also an eye-opener for me in that I did not always utilize the skills I had been taught in my professional life in my personal life. ...more
    Paige
    Dec 18, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    Shelves: nonfiction
    How do feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person really absorbed what you shared with them? How do you feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person wasn’t paying attention or didn’t care what you were saying to them?

    This is one of the most impactful books I have read all year. The message of true listening in You’re Not Listening serves to emphatically renovate the way we interact with each other. Kate Murphy’s words can revolutionize your conversations and
    ...more
    Lindsay - Traveling Sister
    3.5 stars.

    Informative. Eye-opening. Thought-provoking.

    This was a well researched, enlightening read that made me sit and ponder many points. I love books that make me think! The author presents her research in an easy, well organized manner with chapters breaking down her theories. I liked how the information was presented.

    I found the beginning chapters more interesting than the latter chapters which felt a bit drawn out. However, there were countless ideas and theories presented throughout the
    ...more
    Brenda -Traveling Sister
    I am kicking off the new year here with my first review for one of the most eye-opening, powerful and important books I read in 2019. It's an easy, fast read with a lot packed into it. This was a Traveling Sister group read and one of the most valuable discussions we have had. I can't recommend this one enough!!

    The World is just too noisy for me with everyone talking and no one listening so I jumped at the chance to read and discuss this one with some members of our group. We highlighted
    ...more
    Jon Nakapalau
    Dec 20, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    There are so many books on communication - so one can assume that it is a very important topic for many people in all walks of life. What Kate Murphy (KM) has done is nothing less than a 'distillation' of the process: looking at how the listening portion of communication is so often overlooked as we position our perspective as a platform: our mind-set already made up as we set in motion our 'values' to cascade down on others. KM gives us numerous examples of how this is (in fact) severing the ...more
    Jeanette
    This book could change your life if you study it carefully and try to implement what you've read. As an avid reader, once I finish a book I tend to move quickly on to the next book. With this book, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go right back to the beginning and read it again before writing a full review. That in itself is a glowing recommendation, because I usually wait at least a couple of years before re-reading any book.

    Publication day: January 7, 2020
    Barbara (The Bibliophage)
    Kate Murphy is a journalist who makes her living with her listening skills. No skills, no article. For the rest of us it’s not so straightforward. In her new book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, she makes a case that listening is essential to communication. Of course, this seems obvious. One person talks and another listens. That’s communication. But Murphy explains why and how our listening skills are changing. And not for the better.

    Just take a look at her
    ...more
    Tucker
    Oct 19, 2019 added it
    Recommended to Tucker by: Celadon Books

    Many thanks to Celadon Books for sending me a copy in exchange for an honest review

    thank you, Celadon! I'm looking forward to this one

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    Terry ~ Huntress of Erudition
    This is a book that has a message which needs to be heard by everyone.
    Kate Murphy has interviewed many people and states that we are becoming more and more isolated, which leads to depression, which leads to a tragic rise in suicide rates all over the world.
    She believes that we do not really communicate effectively anymore, as a result of being overly connected to devices instead of each other. People are getting more used to texting than face to face conversations and are forgetting how to
    ...more
    Janssen
    Oct 13, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    Shelves: 2019, arc, non-fiction
    This was SO FASCINATING. I feel like it's one of those books every parent (really, probably every person) should read. Definitely talked Bart's ear off about this one.
    Elvina Zafril
    Nov 29, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
    This is the first time I've heard about Kate Murphy. I wasn't aware if she had another books before this.

    I felt intrigued when I heard the title. I thought, it must be something related to people and why they should listen or maybe why they are not listening. I also thought about maybe there are some tips to actually listen to people.

    Nowadays, people are getting distracted wiith gadgets and work. We are active in social media sharing our opinions and people agreed with out opinions but are they
    ...more
    Darcia Helle
    When was the last time you felt like someone truly listened to you? And when was the last time you gave someone your full attention?

    Much of our world exists in a constant state of distraction, with phones in hands, laptops at coffee shops, and multitasking at work and at home. We shout our opinions on social media and hit 'like' on the posts with which we agree. We hear each other, but we aren't listening. And because of this, we're lonelier than we've ever been.

    Kate Murphy has given us a gift
    ...more
    Bianca
    Nov 18, 2019 rated it really liked it
    Shelves: books-i-own, arcs
    Wouldn't you agree this was a good book? A simple question camouflaged as a shift response! I learned so much from this book, and it was a quite the reality check: I'm a terrible listener! Kate Murphy's work here was fascinating, and from it, I have found tips for making small, daily improvements to my listening habits moving forward. Big thanks to Celadon Books for the opportunity to read this ARC!
    Lisa
    Nov 04, 2019 rated it really liked it
    3.5 stars

    This was very easy to read and approachable. I feel like I learned a few things from this book and there were some things I already was aware of. Overall I enjoyed this book but by the last few chapters I found my attention waning and was ready to be done reading.

    I received this book free for review from Celadon Books. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
    Katie
    Jan 01, 2020 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
    “Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”

    I wasn’t expecting to receive an ARC for this book in the mail, but it couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. My boss had just transferred to a new job, and her boss asked to talk to me, or rather just wanted to tell me that he thought my new team would be better for my career. I’d mentioned to him that I was trying for a promotion and just didn’t want to lose momentum on that process, and
    ...more
    Genevieve Trono
    Dec 22, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    “When all we crave is to understand and be understood, You’re Not Listening shows us how.”

    In You’re Not Listening, author Kate Murphy explains what listening truly is and isn’t, and how important it is to our connection with ourselves and one another. Not only is this book super fascinating but it is always making me rethink so many things!

    In our technology-filled world, there are so many new ways for us to interact, yet we are all longing for connection more than ever before. Many of us long
    ...more
    Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies
    First of all I am a horrible listener. It's not just that my mind wanders and I interrupt but I just dont know how and have not known how for so long it's like I can't control the words that escape my mouth and I take over the conversation and I hate it. Also my husband hates and probably everyone who talks to me. Having said that even if you're not a bad listener this book should be in everyone's hands. It is basically a life guide. Kate Murphy is a journalist and like most journalists she ...more
    Janet
    Dec 01, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    When it is snowy and cold outside, superspeed readers like me can read 150 - 200+ pages/hour, so yes, I have read the book … and many more today. LOL

    I requested and received a temporary digital Advance Reader Copy of this book from #NetGalley, and a hard copy of this book from the publisher and the author in exchange for an honest review.

    From the publisher, as I do not repeat the contents or story of books in reviews, I let them do it as they do it better than I do .

    "When was the last time you
    ...more
    Jess
    Nov 14, 2019 rated it it was amazing
    Ever get halfway through a book and think, "I think this book is changing my life"?

    It's fascinating, accessible, and full of facts I'll be repeating to people for years to come. For example? If someone is listening and paying attention to the *emotions* of what you're saying, they will overwhelmingly tilt their head to the right, pushing their left ear forward. If someone is focused on the meaning of what you're saying, they push their right ear forward. It's because of the way the brain is
    ...more
    Maria
    Nov 17, 2019 rated it it was amazing

    A great book about the lost art of listening. In today’s day and age where technology is turning people into rude, self-absorbed A-holes, this book is a primer on how to be a better listener, which in turn makes you a better communicator. Kate Murphy did excellent research for her book and offers practical tips on how to get back to what really matters - using your two ears more often than your one mouth. Don’t be an A-hole; read this book and then go out and listen to others. Thank you to
    ...more
    Slyth
    Nov 03, 2019 rated it really liked it
    Everyone needs this book. It shows amazing techniques that can be used in conversations.

    I knew I struggled holding conversations with some people. I discovered a lot of the time I mentally predicted what people will say and thus feel the conversation will become boring. So I quickly end it. Turns out I ask a lot of closed questions and need to work on correcting it.

    This book gives me tools and examples that I need to stay more curious and not being afraid to ask questions.

    I will soon go back
    ...more
    Samantha
    Dec 18, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
    This is definitely a book that should be recommended to everyone, especially parents, teachers and other learning professionals. However Murphy makes the valid point that pretty much every job these days requires a high level of communication - the amount of time people spend dealing with other people in their jobs has increased. This is in line with workplace changes such as open plan offices and generally increased collaboration being encouraged.

    I have identified times when I have been a bad
    ...more
    Joy Matteson
    This was REAL good, folks. Kate Murphy has done an excellent job explaining how the lack of good listeners in our society is taking a real toll on our ability to form communities of understanding one another. As a relatively newer active listener (but married to a really great one), this book had some very practical advice on how to be a better listener and how to form bonds with others by active listening to understand the other rather than to be understood. Example: curiosity. How often do we ...more
    Megan Creasey
    Dec 20, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    Shelves: my-bookshelf, arcs
    This book is fascinating - I started bookmarking and underlining passages that I found really relevant, but I had to stop or I would have underlined most of the book. The idea that good listening is revolutionary/life changing sounds kind of far fetched, but it's really changed the way I've approached conversations and examined my own assumptions about people. It's inspired me to try to talk and listen more to people I don't know - conversing is still anxiety-inducing, but it's something I ...more
    Renee Hall
    Dec 13, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
    You're Not Listening WHAT YOUR MISSING AND WHY IT MATTERS

    Thank you @celadonbooks
    for the advance reading copy!

    January 7, 2020 release date.
    _________________________
    I really enjoyed reading You're Not Listening. Kate Murphy has a great "voice" for this as I enjoyed not only the concept but the execution of how not listening affects us as people. From the talker or the listener there is void in the absence of our attention. We all want to be heard, but in order to be full we need to be not only
    ...more
    Debbie
    Dec 05, 2019 rated it really liked it
    Listening is something many people do not do and this book addresses that. I am a casual student of listening having taken a course for my undergraduate degree at the University of Maryland University College and subsequently reading published works on the topic. As our rapid means of communication continues at warp speed the art of listening becomes harder but no less important.

    The framework of this work is logical and the examples given are good and often humorous. It is hard to get the
    ...more
    Kelly
    Nov 25, 2019 rated it it was amazing
    You're Not Listening should be required reading for everyone. Literally everyone. If you think you could learn something from this book to improve your listening skills - you're already on the right track and you can. If you don't think you can learn anything, you probably need this even more. Written in a conversational tone with language just about anyone can understand, Murphy takes you through contemporary society and our challenges with not really listening to what people have to say. ...more
    Rachel
    Nov 27, 2019 rated it it was amazing
    Shelves: arc, bookishfirst
    Review:

    What I Liked:

    Writing Style. I was worried about going into this nonfiction novel that the terminology or writing would be beyond my knowledge level. However, I found Kate Murphy's writing relatable and easy to follow. I found myself completely invested in the novel from chapter one.

    Subject/Knowledge. I learned a lot about listening, how our ears actually work, and how to be a better listener. I found the topic interesting because how listening has changed a lot since cell phones were
    ...more
    Michelle
    Nov 17, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
    Put this on your TBR. Seriously.

    I don't think I can find the words to describe just how insightful and important this book is. Truly, it should be on everybody's required reading list.

    I have to admit that when I first saw this book, I knew that it would be good, as Celadon is gaining a reputation for producing excellent books. But I didn't think that it would resonate that much with me: how exciting could a book about listening be?

    How wrong I was. Kate Murphy has created an intriguing and
    ...more
    Eva
    Nov 15, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition


    “People get lonely for lack of listening.” “Psychology and sociology researchers have begun warning of an epidemic of loneliness in the United States.....loneliness increases the risk of death as much as obesity, alcoholism, and heart disease combined.”

    This should be a must read for everyone! Breaking down listening skills into perfect sized bites of research and empirical evidence, the author has succinctly and thoroughly examined why listening is so important and what real listening looks
    ...more
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    14 followers
    Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. She is known for her fresh and ...more
    “On the other hand, children whose parents were not dependably attentive typically grow up to be adults with an insecure anxious attachment style, which means they tend to worry and obsess about relationships. They do not listen well because they are so concerned about losing people’s attention and affection. This preoccupation can lead them to be overly dramatic, boastful, or clingy. They might also pester potential friends, colleagues, clients, or romantic interests instead of allowing people their space.” 1 likes
    “To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. It’s what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention.
    Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done (“Here, let me show you.” “Don’t be shy.” “That’s awesome!” “Smile for Daddy.”). Listening is about the experience of being experienced. It’s when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing. The lack of being known and accepted in this way leads to feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. What makes us feel most lonely and isolated in life is less often the result of a devastating traumatic event than the accumulation of occasions when nothing happened but something profitably could have. It’s the missed opportunity to connect when you weren’t listening or someone wasn’t really listening to you.”
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