UPDATE #7:OMFG!?! (as originally posted under this author dude's other very crappy book)
someone please check my blood pressure bc my heart is pounding and NOT in that "i have glorious news" way.
y'all, i heard this dude wrote ANOTHER STUPENDOUSLY SHI**Y BOOK!! this can't be true!! please, please, PUH-LESE someone, anyone, tell me this isn't real!! i mean, the AUDACITY!! the ABSOLUTE NERVE!! i don't wanna believe this but if my far-away observations of this guy are any real indication of his character, then i guess we shouldn't be surprised.
and listen, you didn't hear it from me but word on the street is: his new book early departures (what a stupid title btw! i mean, what?!) is so dreadful it has already forcibly induced spontaneous vomiting!!
GUYS, i'm not even joking. you know i wouldn't say it if it weren't true and easily fact-checkable. so, all i'm saying is, if you wanna avoid throwing up all over yourself, you better give this supernaturally-terrible book wide berth.
i haven't read it yet--and the only reason i'm going to is so i can verify the nausea (no, i'm not brave, just tryna be strong for you guys!)--but i have definitely read this author's guy's face at the coffee shop he frequents & let me tell you, it has one permanent expression: SMUG AF!! which, dude, you wrote a SUPER MEDIOCRE debut so i don't understand how in the world u could look so self-satisfied. talk about obliviousness! let's see him keep that same energy when his next book causes a GLOBAL STOMACHACHE EPIDEMIC--i bet he won't even acknowledge the increase in stomach viruses we're gonna see. i hear the CDC is already prepping vaccines, so...
here's the silver lining tho: if THIS guy can be a published author, there's hope for all of us!!
anyway i guess stayed tuned for updates. more BIG feels coming soon!
UPDATE #8: UMMM, REALLY?!
Okay, first off, let me apologize for being MIA--I don't think it needs to be said, but 2020, y'all, damnnnnn. like, what's next??
well, that's why i'm here.
because just when we thought 2020 couldn't get any worse, i remembered that justin a. reynolds's second novel is due out september 22nd, which is really not that far off, and honestly i have lots of big feelings. you would think that his publisher might've considered pushing his release date a few months--or you know, maybe forever--considering how trash this year has already been, but it looks like they're on some "let's just get this over with already", which i definitely respect, y'know.
but whatever, that's not the main reason i came to post. GUYS. GUISSSSSEEEE.
i saw early-departures author guy at this socially-distanced pool party (don't worry, i never took my mask off and i kept 18 feet apart because why not be 3x as safe, you know). he didn't spot me, not that he'd acknowledge because as we've already discussed in our review of his previous book, the much-maligned OPPOSITE OF AWESOME, he has zero self-awareness and is super self-absorbed.
side note: when i say self-absorbed, i mean it. he's so self-absorbed that he got into a pool fight, you know when you're splashing water at people, and he got DRENCHED, like FULLY SATURATED, and for a second I felt sorta bad for him--but then literally 2.5 seconds later all of the water was SUCKED INTO HIS BODY and he was BONE DRY. he is LITERALLY SELF-ABSORBENT, guys. like wtf?!?
so obviously i ran out of the pool area as fast as i could--while still maintaining an 18 foot perimeter--and into the house and locked myself into the 1/2 bathroom because obviously this author-guy has made a deal with an incredibly evil spirit, who has clearly granted him the ability to soak up water like a human sponge (his pores must be ginormous?!) and also trick ppl into thinking he can write well--luckily this evil spirit's magic isn't foolproof because i'm totally unaffected, so ha.
also, and i can't believe i almost forgot to mention this part, author-guy's eyes were really BRIGHT RED, which i don't have to tell you guys what that means! hello--he's clearly possessed af! and before the naysayers try to protest, nooo, i don't think his red eyes had anything to do with the pool water being super chlorinated, okay--everyone knows chlorine irritating your eyes is just an urban legend. i'm telling you, author-guy is 100% not to be trusted, period, on everything.
so anyway, i'm sitting there on the 1/2 bathroom floor and--you know what, come to think of it, it was actually a 3/4 bath because it did have a small shower-head on the wall, which i keep forgetting about because it was so inconspicuous, but like there wasn't an actual shower stall or even a curtain, you just took a shower and let the water run all over the place and the floor was sloped so it would eventually find its way into the drain, which i know, this sounds like a absolute nightmare and trust me, you're right, it was; but like also, what's to say someone doesn't just pee on the floor into the drain and then turn the shower on like it's the flushing mechanism, which eww gross, right?! that's what i thought, too, so i taped a sign to the toilet that said "pee here" and then taped another sign on the floor, which required lots of tape because bathroom tape isn't super sticky, not that i'm complaining, honestly i'm lucky there was even tape and markers and paper in the bathroom, you know, but like, kismet. anyway, i taped the second sign near the drain and it said "don't pee here", and it's like, umm why am i the only person who saw the need to clarify this? how many ppl were confused at the set-up prior to my signage?? i'm no hero, guys. like i said, i just love people and i care about the environment like a lot--and normally, i'd never make such a long digression but you guys are my ppl and i know you get me :D
but yeah, i'm sitting there and i'm trembling i'm so worried because author-guy is clearly planning to take over the world or at least our municipality--and i wanted to check in on all the rest of the partygoers and make sure he hadn't eaten their souls or whatever, you know, because i care about people, but i didn't have any service all of a sudden, and i know what you're thinking--author guy somehow manipulated the cellphone towers within a 9 mile radius, and you'd be right. you're a lot smarter than i am because that wasn't even my first thought. i thought my carrier just sucked and that it had something to do with being out in the middle of nowhere because that happens all the time, but later when i really thought about it i was like nope, that was evil author-guy using his ill-gotten powers to generate an electro-magnetic charge that interrupted all of our phones, but mainly just mine. but you knew that before i even said it, didn't you. guys, i so wish you'd been there with me, i would've felt a lot safer tbh.
later on, when i was leaving the party i was making sure i said goodbye to our gracious host and she's such a practical jokester because she was all "umm who are you??" and i was like "hahaha, you're so funny, thanks again, the crab dip was outstanding" and she was like "i'm gonna call the police" and i said "okay but all cell phone service is down because the signals have been blocked" and she was like "please leave now, i'm counting to ten and you better be gone" and i was like "damn, you really see a joke through" but when she had these four other partygoers help me to my car--omg they even took back the big bowl of crab dip i was taking home as a party favor slash joke of my own, haha, can you believe those guys, talk about comedic timing, right??--i started laughing hysterically because that's what separates an okay joke from a hilarious joke. and clearly our host was a joke-delivering pro because rule number 1) you gotta be willing to see the joke all the way through and never, ever break character. so shout out to her. can't wait for the next summer jam!
so i'm backing my car out of the driveway and then i hear a sharp horn blare and i turn around and guess who it is--author-guy!! and i roll down my window and i'm like "hey man you almost killed me" and he said "i'm sorry but will you please put your mask on when you're yelling near my face--which can you believe that, the audacity, when he's destroyed my cell phone service AND demonstrated his evil powers to a pool party with like 50 ppl, but whatever--and then he says "you nearly backed into me, i'm already on the road driving, you weren't even looking" and then i was like "okay, whatever, tomato-tomahtoe". and since i'm the bigger person i let him go ahead of me; also because technically he was already on the road and i needed him to move so i can also be on the road.
and then on the long drive home it started to all make sense. what if he's not evil? like at all? what if he's just been so devastated by how terrible his new book is, that he's been crying and crying, until he's literally exhausted every drop of moisture in his body so that now anytime he's even near water his body just sucks it all in? like why didn't that occur to me before? like duh, right? and the crying would also explain the red eyes. he feels awful knowing how many lives he's negatively impacting with his atrocious storytelling, and like, maybe he's not the evil spirit in the making that we think he is...maybe we've got it all wrong about him and like he's actually deserving of our sympathy. no, our EMPATHY...
but then somehow he got behind me on this one-lane "highway" and beeped his horn at me just because i was going 18mph in a 55 zone. like, ummm, helloooo, safety first, ever heard of it!? plus, 55 is just the maximum limit, i can do whatever speed i want under, y'know?
so yeah, in the end, i'm glad that highway encounter happened because otherwise he might've fooled me into thinking he wasn't so bad after all, but NOPE--he's 100% the evil jerk we all thought he was. we were right, guys. why did we ever doubt ourselves? author-guy definitely still sucks and even though it doesn't seem possible, his books suck harder--and this should go without saying but no, they don't suck in a self-absorbent, water-wicking way, either.
so i'm so happy i got to bring you this important update about author-guy. i hope you guys know that as always i'm willing to risk everything to bring you the unfiltered truth because justice, you know--so until next time, stay safe, guys!! i missed you!!
UPDATE #9: APOLOGIES
Okay, guys, so it was brought to my attention by my grandma that my last update was a little..."dark". So, I wanted to apologize. I haven't felt quite like myself lately; I think the quarantine is finally getting to me. So, yeah. My bad. Plus, author-guy is pretty much the worst human ever, who likes to hog outlets at coffee shops but whatever, "no one can steal our joy without our permission", grandma says, so not gonna dwell on that today.
Let's just focus on the fact that I created awesome, embarrassment-saving signage for that person's 3/4 bathroom and forget the rest of update #8, okay?
Let's accentuate the positive here. Even despite author-guy's terrible, vomit-inducing books, there are still lots of good books being made, and that's no small miracle.
Okay, I'm gonna go binge some Hulu. Any suggestions on what I should watch?? Okay, Happy Sunday Funday and all that good stuff. (See, look, I'm happy! And here's a smiley face to prove it :D) Byeeee!
UPDATE #10: MEDIOCRITY REWARDED?! WHAT THE FUDGE?!
please, please, please tell me this author-guy is NOT the same justin a. reynolds who was just announced as writing a miles morales/spider-man graphic novel?!
umm, marvel, you guys have been on a roll, and if you keep going as you have, you're sure to be a household name sooner than later--but c'mon, AUTHOR-GUY SUCKS!!! and that's not my opinion, or some half-baked theory, that has been scientifically proven. saying justin a. reynolds is a terrible writer is like saying the sun is warm. saying justin a. reynolds is an awful novelist is like saying water is wet.
okay, maybe that last analogy is a little murky, but still. point is, author-guy, AKA justin a. reynolds, couldn't write himself out of a cardboard picture book. facts.
alright, that's it. i'm late for afternoon shuffleboard. toodles.